Loving a married man

[skyflower]

I need compassionate advice about a situation that may be similar to that of “I am in love and that is the problem”.
I am a single (never married) catholic woman. I love a man whom I met at work (we were colleagues working on a common project) and he loves me. Our mutual feelings started several years ago. Since then, we both have been struggling to suppress them, and really tried everything we could think of: ignore each other, prentend that we hated each other and argue, quit jobs, relocate many time zones away, move on with life in many ways (dating for me and parenting for him).

I prayed a lot to be liberated from this.
So far, nothing has helped and the feelings are still there (there has never been physical relation). We still communicate, because we do not have the strenght not to.

Now, after all these years of efforts, he is exhausted (and so am I) and he is starting to wonder if it makes any sense to continue like this. For the first time, we are both tempted to give up and embrace our mutual feelings instead of suppressing them, in the hope that God will make something good out of this. I am torn, because I want to live in justice and not ruin a family, but at the same time I can not go this way. My health is has been declining due to the stress and the feelings of guilt.

Any advice? What can I do?

 

[catsrus]

Skyflower, take this advice from someone who once was in your situation and made the WRONG decision.
Put as much space between yourself and this other person as possible. Change jobs, move away, whatever it takes!
I did not do that and caused incredible pain to many people - not just the wife. It has been 29 years and some of the wounds I inflicted on others have not healed and most probably never will.
Further, the “love” did not last through all the emotional grief.
Only bitter ashes are left.
I know, the hard way, that happiness can not be found at the expense of others.
I will be repenting my terrible, reckless decision for the rest of my life and, surely, in the hereafter as well.
I will be praying for you.

 

[Chichebe]

You sound like someone who has a lot of faith. I sense already that most of your stress stems from the fact that you will potentially be breaking up a family. At this point remember that in the same way you love this man, there is a wife / daughter / son who do the same. If you did break-up their family will you ever be trully happy? It is hard, but you need to do what you know deep in heart you need to do. Our prays are with you.

 

[tossolul]

May I suggest that you look even more to God than you possibly are right now. Look to Jesus on the cross, and the sacrifice He made for us. Our pain here is nothing compared to His. Know that if you are supposed to be with this man, God will make it possible- but in His time, not yours. If you truely feel this man is your soulmate, then believe that God will bring you together, if not in this life- than in heaven.

God bless you and your decision. Always remember that the evil one can be just as responsible for bringing these coincidences upon you as God. God would never ask you to break up his family or cause a divorce.

 

[dwc]

There is no way good can come of this, and I think you know this already. In order for the two of you to be together you will have to commit adultery and destroy a family. How could good come from that? Arguably, you’ve already committed adultery because he’s been unfaithful to his wife by having and admitting his love for you. The stress and guilt you feel will only go away when you break off all contact with this man, for good.

 

[YinYangMom]

To love this man, you could not possibly wnat to tear his children or his wife away from him. You’ve already acknowledged this.

To truly love him would you would be willing and able to sacrifice yourself for him. Lay down your life for your him. So do it.

For you, that means emotionally letting go of the even remote possibility of a future with this man. The time you are investing communicating with him so regularly that you’ve been able to nurture your emotional ties to each other from a distance is time you have not been making available to the man God has waiting for you. You can’t meet him if you don’t put yourself out there doing God’s will so that your paths can cross.

Here’s the real kicker, though, that you’re probably struggling with - if God has chosen this man’s wife for him, and him for her, then why did your paths cross and why has real love grown within you for this very man? How could it possibly be wrong?

And yet, you can love another person and maintain a strongly bonded friendship without it leading to romantic love. Satan is the one who is confusing you. What you feel for this man is genuine, yes. But it’s genuine friendship and caring. Satan has taken that good thing and tricked you into thinking it has to lead to romantic love…to the point where you and he are now talking about throwing up your hands in exhaustion from the struggle and finally give in…to what? TEMPTATION…you both know this in your minds and in your hearts. Temptation is the Devil’s work, not God’s, therefore **NOTHING **good can come out of a union between you two.

Recognizing this, you have to start viewing yourself as the Devil’s handmaiden here. If you need to keep a mirror next to your computer monitor, do so. That way when the emails go back and forth expressing ‘desire’ for each other - you can glance at your face in the mirror to see yourself as you are in that moment - Satan’s temptress. He is using you to steal the soul of the very man you claim to love. Tape that to the mirror as a reminder, if need be, so that the words you type back will reflect God’s teaching instead of Satan’s bidding. If you love this man so much, do everything you can to reject Satan to put the brakes on this man’s temptations toward you - for his own sake.

Talk to this man in this very manner…tell him you’ve come to realize you are not good for his soul and insist that future conversations be centered around how to strengthen his marriage to his wife and his own spiritual growth or nothing. After such a long time, cold turkey won’t cut it. So what you need to do is take a break…2 weeks, a month - spend the time you long to be in communication with him communicating with God. Go to confession first and foremost. At Eucharistic adoration beg for the Holy Spirit’s grace, guidance and strength in how to respond to this man later so that you can be an instrument of God from now on, instead of Satan. The Spirit will speak through you to this man if you offer yourself to Him. If future conversations with this man ever drift away from casual conversation regarding the weather or his job or your job and start heading toward his feelings for you. HANG UP or DISCONNECT the internet connection. You have to be strong for this man right now. Believe me, even you will find him less attractive when the only things you talk about are how much he is devoted to and loves his wife and children, but at least you will be happy for him when he does share that with you.

Trust that good can come of this journey you and this man have been on thus far…and then actively steer the friendship to the correct course. You could very well be the one who brings this man closer to his wife and family by using your conversations to teach about the Theology of the Body, Marriage and the Eucharist, to help him find out what he is getting from you that he isn’t getting from his wife so that he can then find the right words to talk to her about what is weak in their marriage so they can start working things out. Once they work thru their differences you’ll see that he will converse less with you because he will be spending more time with his family, and that will free you up to find your special someone knowing that you were able to help this man find the happiness he deserves.

Continued prayer on your part through this path will lead you to your true purpose in God’s plan. Know that the path you are on now, is not the one you are destined for.

 

[carol_marie]

Wow… ying yang mom said it far better than I ever could. I know you asked for compassionate advice but I’m having such a hard time mustering up any kindness towards you whatsoever because I am a wife with children and I love my husband and would DIE if some “other woman” was even thinking of breaking up MY family. That’s what you’d be doing you know? Destroying what God has already yoked together. What good could come of it? Do you think you’d really be happy knowing that because of you, a family is broken apart? And besides, what sort of low life guy would even consider having feelings for someone other than HIS WIFE? He doesn’t sound like much of a catch to me. Forget about him. Move on. Don’t take his calls. Don’t take his emails. Tell him that you CAN’T respect him or yourself if this continues any further. Stop thinking about him… he needs to remain with his family!!! Even if there hasn’t been any physical relationship - it’s still cheating because he’s giving his heart to you (so he says? cheaters are often liars also)

If you are a Christain woman start acting like it. He is a married man - with a child. What more is there to say?

 

[skyflower]

Carol Marie,

I am hurt by your hateful reply. I am suffering and I need help, that’s all. I am not a devil, just a human being trying to live her life at her best. If stealing husbands was my favorite sport, I would not be torn as I am, and I would not have written what I have in my post. To love the wrong person can happen to anybody, I can assure you.

Be grateful to God for your happy family, and that the temptation I am going through has not happened to you. And pray for me, if you can.

 

[Princess_Abby]

skyflower:

Carol Marie,

I am hurt by your hateful reply. I am suffering and I need help, that’s all. I am not a devil, just a human being trying to live her life at her best.

First of all, living your “best life” does not generally include mooning over a married man miles away with a wife and family.

Secondly, is it better to “suffer” here on earth or forever in eternity?

Please stop tempting this man away from his wife.

You know this is wrong. You wouldn’t be torn if it was within the realm of moral rightness.

The Holy Spirit is beseeching you to turn away from sin. Be grateful for your guilt. It may save you.

By the way–be careful that “the good God brings from this” isn’t making you a model of His JUSTICE… however, He can make you a model of His mercy if you repent from being an adulteress.

 

[Lisa4Catholics]

skyflower:

Carol Marie,

I am hurt by your hateful reply. I am suffering and I need help, that’s all. I am not a devil, just a human being trying to live her life at her best. If stealing husbands was my favorite sport, I would not be torn as I am, and I would not have written what I have in my post. To love the wrong person can happen to anybody, I can assure you.

Be grateful to God for your happy family, and that the temptation I am going through has not happened to you. And pray for me, if you can.

I will pray for you.But I want you to know something, I have been betrayed by my husband before and I now have heart problems the children were devistated and if it weren’t for Gods grace I would’ve probably given up on life.That is a pain you do not want to give to anyone.When a man is married you should think of him like brother.As for him he needs to grow up and take his vows seriously not just to his wife but to God.The best thing to do is leave him alone.God Bless,Lisa
PS.What if you were married to him and he was doing this to you?

 

[skyflower]

Lisa,

thank you for sharing your story with me… it helps me more than words of condemnation. I thought many times how I would feel if I was the wife, and I know I would be devastated. This is a very powerful thought, because I have always wished to have a good, happy family.

I realize that many of the replies to my posts are from women who are wives and mothers, and naturally see the story from this point of view.

I hope to get advice also from women or men who are (or were) single and have been in my situation (like catsrus, if I understand correctly). A marriage can be a source of growth and strenght against moral weakness, while being alone makes one more vulnerable. I wish I had more support… I am considering to move back to my country (I am an immigrant), where I have a family who can help. This would mean to live near poverty level, and do a humbler job, but at least I would be more supported.

 

[pnewton]

To truly love someone is to want the best for them. How could committing mortal sin and put one in danger of Hell be the best, and therefore true love? Temptation overcome, on the other hand is a jewel to present to the one who loves us best.

No one can know your pain, but you and those who have walked in your shoes. I have not, but we each bear our own cross. Or to put it another way, that which does not kill us makes us stronger.

No one can overcome such a strong pulling of the heart on their own. Ulitmately you (and this man) must find the grace to face each day from the hand of God. He has given us all the grace we need. Turn to the source of this grace in the Holy Eucharist. Find a good confessor and make frequent Reconcilliation. Go every chance you get to pray before the Blessed Sacrament. Jesus is willing to pour out grace upon you. He has promised that His yoke is easy and His burden light. He will carry this weight with you.

I pray you will survive this trial. I can only imagine how hard it must be for you to cause you to pose this problem here.

 

[Lisa4Catholics]

skyflower:

Lisa,

thank you for sharing your story with me… it helps me more than words of condemnation. I thought many times how I would feel if I was the wife, and I know I would be devastated. This is a very powerful thought, because I have always wished to have a good, happy family.

I realize that many of the replies to my posts are from women who are wives and mothers, and naturally see the story from this point of view.

I hope to get advice also from women or men who are (or were) single and have been in my situation (like catsrus, if I understand correctly). A marriage can be a source of growth and strenght against moral weakness, while being alone makes one more vulnerable. I wish I had more support… I am considering to move back to my country (I am an immigrant), where I have a family who can help. This would mean to live near poverty level, and do a humbler job, but at least I would be more supported.

I would go to confession and maybe they have get togethers for single Catholics, being lonely is hard I know it is,but I will tell you that the Lord has someone in mind for you if your vocation is marriage and this person will not belong to another.God puts man and wife together in “marriage” (if only the same sex couples realised that is why they can not be married).I am not one to presume Gods judgement on something but I can tell you that He would not want this to continue.If you need support PM me.God Bless Lisa

 

[Princess_Abby]

skyflower,

please also remember that if he’ll do it with you, he’ll do it to you.

if by some crazy chance he ends up leaving his whole family, marries you, has a baby with you…what happens if he meets some other young darling at work and decides, yet again, that his marital relationship isn’t quite doing it for him? but this time, it’s you that is the wife and it is your baby that is the child?

 

[mumto5]

skyflower:

Carol Marie,

I am hurt by your hateful reply. I am suffering and I need help, that’s all.

Your suffering is nothing compared to the suffering his wife and certainly his children will experience if you don’t cut ALL ties with this man NOW. If you want to do the right thing, you will do this.

Also remember, that if this man did leave his wife and take up with you, you would not have this man to yourself. He is a father and you would become an instant step-mother. You would not have time alone with this man but would have the restrictions children would bring. Financially you will be stressed, especially if you have your own children, due to the child support he will have to pay. It’s not all romantic and a bed of roses when reality hits those who take this path.

For you not to have done this already is very, very selfish of you. You are only thinking of yourself.

Remember the adage… “If he cheats with you, he will cheat on you”. I’m sure you will think it’s different with you but it’s happened all too often. How could you ever trust a man like that?

You need to break of all communication with this man and pretend he doesn’t exist. The effects of this on you will be far less than if you continue your present course.

 

[thechrismyster]

just an observation, if it helps you, and i hope it does.
Temptation isn’t a sin. never was or will be.
sometimes the temptation can be REALLLLLYYY GRRREEAAT, and by that i mean, very hard, not in the good sense of the expression.
You are treading on shaky ground, the devil often does this sort of attack, the self reasoning “maybe God REALLY wants this and will bring good to the world through this…” and lucifer is a master psychologist - the best in the world as subtle clouding of the mind, foggy confusion. mixing emotions, blending sublte good with subtle evil. appearing as the angel of light that brings death in the end. tricks of evil.
Thats the snare, the temptation is just the trap, if you walk into it, the it becomes sinful.
My advice is do not act on this temptation. If you choose the right thing, the relationship with the man will fall apart, you’ll grieve, and the worst part will be his rocky marriage by his own hand, but you will have pulled back from the edge.
Don’t give into this temptation, you will regret it in time.

I’ll pray for you. and you can also pray to the Holy Spirit to put an end to this relationship for you, tell him you can’t figure out how to and give the problem to him entirely, God tends to work miracles quite often that way.

 

[La_Chiara]

Skyflower–You need to go to Confession. And you need to turn your back on this man. Pray for strength to do what you need to do. No good will come from torturing yourself any further with this man. But much good will come from embracing God and the path of right. You may not want to believe it, but we choose who we fall in love with. You must choose to walk away from this situation. Please, for the sake of your soul and your relationship with God.

 

[carol_marie]

skyflower:

Carol Marie,

I am hurt by your hateful reply. I am suffering and I need help, that’s all. I am not a devil, just a human being trying to live her life at her best. If stealing husbands was my favorite sport, I would not be torn as I am, and I would not have written what I have in my post. To love the wrong person can happen to anybody, I can assure you.

Be grateful to God for your happy family, and that the temptation I am going through has not happened to you. And pray for me, if you can.

I am very sorry that my reply sounded hateful. That was certainly not my intent. I NEVER said you were the devil or anything like that. Please reread my post. My anger was directed toward anyone who would break up a family in the hopes that “God would make something good out of it…” And my anger was also directed toward this married man who is ignoring the vows he made to his wife - and God. If my reply sounded ugly to you - it’s because your situation is ugly.

You asked me to be grateful that God has given me a happy family. I am grateful - but I’m also mindful of women my husand works with who, like you, may believe that they would BOTH be happier if THEY were together - wanting what I already have. They might be under the very misguided impression that “loving the wrong person can happen to anyone” and that fighting the temptation is just too much work and maybe it would be easier on everyone (the two of them - certainly NOT easier on me & my 4 children) if they just “gave in” and hoped for the best. So you see, it’s hard to be grateful when my family’s life could be totally destroyed by another person’s “love” for my husband.

But, my husband, unlike the married man you desire, is strong in his faith and loves his family. He has never given me cause for concern - but I pray for his stength and faithfulness because it only takes one woman, doesn’t it?

You said you wanted to live your life at your best? Please know that your best would NEVER be at other people’s expense. I believe you are better than all of this. I believe that’s why you are so torn. If my words are harsh, please know that I am only trying to speak louder than Satan’s voice in your ear when he tells you that “God can make something good of this.” That is a lie - don’t you believe it.

I will pray for you.
CM

 

[lancelink66]

Skyflower,

It sounds like you’re on the right track. You’re asking for help. You’re seeking God’s will. And you see that the relationship with this man is sinful. Thank God for the gifts that he has already given you. I promise, that if you continue to seek His will, He will not make to hard the terms. He will help you if you honestly seek his will.

I am a married man, and the son of a divorced couple. I can tell you some of the truth I have discovered, and hopefully it will be helpful to you.

As a child of divorce, I can tell you that there is a hole in me that may never heal. Everything, as a child, that I counted on, trusted and thought was true, was pulled out from under me. It has caused me a tremendous pain and led to many broken relationships in my ladult ife. Although I have a loving Catholic wife, and every reason to trust her, I still have a difficult time not holding back because I still do not completely trust marraige. Howerver, I must also say, that since both my wife and I embraced the Church, it is better than it has ever been.

I watched my mother, with whom I share some of the same defects of character, run from relationship to relationship throughout her adult life, mostly choosing men who were not available (including a married man). I chose the same type of people in my adult life. I have come to some deep truths about my motivations for doing so, and it was not until I saw them that I was able to begin to get the freedom that Christ promises. I will share some of them with you, in hopes that you too will be awakened by the truth.

I was afraid to be left again. While I didn’t see it at the time, I chose people to date or pursue that would never have to commit to. When they left me, or I was unable to achieve a commited relationship with them, I was able to say, “It’s circumstances.” I was comfortably in the role of the victim, again. The truth was, that knowing that it couldn’t really work out gave me a false sense of security and control (for I knew what the outcome would be). However, I must admit that this was not a concious thought at the time.

Other times, I chose people that I could control, and did not respect. This was another way of achieving false security. For if they left I didn’t really care and couldn’t be hurt.

In the end the lie I told myself was that the people that I wanted were all taken, and I wasn’t interested in the “boring” people who wanted me. The truth was, that I was really terrified to be with someone who I respected, spiritually, physically (attracted to) and emotionally. Looking a potential wife, eye to eye, equally yoked, knowing that she could leave me and I couldn’t really control that, scared me to death.

So, my suggestions, is that you look for the truth deep inside of you. What is it that is so attractive about this situation? What are your subconcious motivations here? I’m no psychologist, but the truth will set you free. It’s obvious (as others have pointed out) that great pain will result from pursing this (even for you). But, I’m not conviced that if you were to actually go through with pursuing this relationship that you would even want it, in the end. While I think confession will be very helpful, you may want to seek a Catholic counselor here who can help you walk through this. Are there some things in your own past you might need to reconcile before you’re truly ready to take the risk of being in a relationship with someone who is truly available?

God bless you!

 

[skyflower]

I want to thank Lancelink66 and Thechrismyster very very much. Your words have already helped me a lot.
It is a very good point that there may be something in my past that influences my choices, and I will meditate on this.

My parents had a very troubled marriage. Being traditional catholics, they did not want to separate nor divorce, and so we children grew up in a horrible atmosphere of arguments and verbal abuse. To be honest, I truly wish they separated… I think it would have been better for my sister and me. After decades of arguments, now my parents’ marriage is a bit better, and I am sure God helped with it.

In the relationships with men I was always very unlucky. I was the girl at school whom everybody ignored. I was considered plain and unsociable. Whenever a man liked me a bit, it was always for a short time and for superficial reasons. I never felt truly loved until I met this man who is married.
He seems to see through the surface, and appreciate me for what I am. In him there is nothing about that silly superficial flirting that I met in so many men, but genuine attention and understanding.

I want to keep reflecting on my history… I am sure it will help. Thank you again for the precious help, from the bottom of my heart.