Loving Mom Is Not Charity?

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Michael_Heinzen

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One of my parish administrators advised me to be involved in some type of outreach program (soup kitchen, winter shelter, etc.), to which I answered that my outreach and charity is towards my 96-year-old mother who is very frail, almost blind, as well as nearly deaf. Thus, she depends upon my help daily for shopping, medical appointments, reading her mail, paying bills, etc.; my sister also makes a 3-hour drive weekly to see and help our mother. Truthfully, we do this out of Christian love more than out of any filial love between mom and kids, as we never have shared that touchy-huggy type of affection that some enjoy with their parents.

My “adviser” told me that my “charity” towards my mother was NOT charity, but only fulfillment of my obligation to my parent, as in “Honor thy mother and father” in the 10 Commandments, or Matt 5:46 where Jesus mentions that loving those who love you has little value (“If you love only those who love you, what reward is there for that…”). It’s as if I stop at a crosswalk to allow a woman with her child to pass in front of my car because the law obligates me to stop – then no charity or love toward these people possibly could be involved. I respectfully disagreed with my questioner’s opinion.

I can truthfully say that the sacrifices that my sister and I make of our time, energy…and finances…for Mom is not purely out of a sense of obligation, or fear of going to hell because we fail to “honor mother and father.” I truly believe that the largest and purest intention in our hearts is Christian charity. I really feel that helping an elderly parent can be a true act of love – feeding the hungry, giving drink to the thirsty, and clothing the naked in tune with Matt 25:31-46. Christian love isn’t all about soup kitchens and winter shelters. Being a social worker is not the key to heaven. Intention counts. Charity towards Mom can be more than being in compliance with honoring thy father and mother.
 
Your “adviser” is off their rocker.

The duties of charity begin at home. If your mother needs your care, then it would be irresponsible to spend your time helping others to her detriment. And besides, no one is obligated to donate time, you will sufficiently fulfill the precept of almsgiving by giving some of your superfluous income (if you have any) to charity.
 
Mother Teresa was once asked how to promote peace in the world, and she answered “Go home and love your family.”

Helping an elderly family member is very demanding and requires much charity. If peopple actually loved and took care of their own families, there would be much more ability to help others outside the family. Your first responsibility is to those whom God has put into your life. If you can do more outside your family besides that, fine. But no one has any business telling you that loving and taking care of your family in need is not charity. If you don’t do it, who else will? Is this “advisor” gonna take care of your elderly mom? Maybe if the families of those in need helped them, they wouldn’t be homeless or have to go to a soup kitchen to get food.

Don’t let anyone disparage you for taking care of a family member in need. If you didn’t do it, someone else would have to, and that just means that other people aren’t able to help others, because they are so busy taking care of someone that God asks you to take care of.

I do a lot to help my retired parents out. Not everyone is called to go out and travel to some third world country to help people in Calcutta. Mother Teresa told people who wanted to do what she did in India, “I have my Calcutta, You have yours”. If God calls you to help a family member, that is no less important than helping some stranger. As I said, if you don’t take care of your elderly or disabled family, someone else has to.
 
The same sentiment that is alive in your administrator is alive in other contexts. For instance, stay-at-home parents sometimes feel judged by others who think, why not go and get a job out in the world? But, as we all know, taking care of your own children and home is a big, valuable job. I would argue, it’s one of the most valuable jobs around.

I think it’s amazing what you and your sister do.
 
One of the corporal works of mercy is to care for the sick. It doesn’t specify that this has to be a non-family member. Care giving is hard work and takes sacrifice. Your adviser clearly has no idea what she’s talking about.
 
Michael_Heinzen said:
My “adviser” told me that my “charity” towards my mother was NOT charity, but only fulfillment of my obligation to my parent, as in “Honor thy mother and father” in the 10 Commandments, or Matt 5:46 where Jesus mentions that loving those who love you has little value
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I had to stop and take a deep breath before I respond to this post because it made my blood pressure go up to the point where I am feeling extremely uncharitable towards whoever would give you such bogus (I would like to use a stronger word, but I’m trying to be kind here) advice.

First of all, who is this “parish administrator” that they get to tell you what you need to be involved in? It doesn’t sound like this is coming from a priest, and I am hoping this person is not your spiritual adviser. It also sounds to me like they need to BUTT OUT of your business and not tell you what you need to do with your time.

As one who spent several years involved in the caregiving for my elderly mother who was in her late 80s and had no other family support (I’m an only child, her siblings had already all passed away and the rest of her family consists of nieces and nephews scattered through different states who are only in sporadic contact), I know full well how much time, physical energy, and mental energy this type of caregiving requires. You are quite simply not in a good position to be volunteering for some other outreach program when you have this huge responsibility to your mom. The same could likely be said of many mothers who are caring for small children. Your personal resources are being stretched to their limit.

For somebody to tell you that it’s not charity to care for a family member because we’re “required” to do so is grossly uncharitable and just plain WRONG on their part. Yes, it is your Christian duty to help your mom in this way, but it does not make it somehow “not count” as a kind, loving act. There are plenty of people who ignore or even “throw away” their elderly parents. Those who do not do that should be supported and commended, not told that their contributions “don’t count” and that they need to knock themselves out doing more.

I don’t know if I’d go so far as complaining to the pastor about this “administrator”, but I’d definitely let whatever they are saying go right in one ear and out the other. It is sad that such insensitive people are allowed to be active in parishes. I’ve met a couple of those in my time and they can be a huge turn-off to getting involved in a parish.

Just ignore this administrator and go about your business. God bless you and your sister for looking after your mom.
 
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SuscipeMeDomine said:
Your adviser clearly has no idea what she’s talking about.
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This. I had to read the first post twice to make sure it said what it says because such a reaction is so far off my scale of acceptable behavior that I couldn’t imagine anyone actually saying that to the caregiver of a 96-year-old. 😖

I’m sorry this happened to you, @Michael_Heinzen. Be assured that God is pleased and thanks you every day for the devoted care you and your siblings give your mother.
 
Obeying the commandments is charity. The fourth commandment regarding one’s parents is part of love of neighbor.

From the Catechism:
2067 The Ten Commandments state what is required in the love of God and love of neighbor. The first three concern love of God, and the other seven love of neighbor.

As charity comprises the two commandments to which the Lord related the whole Law and the prophets . . . so the Ten Commandments were themselves given on two tablets. Three were written on one tablet and seven on the other.27
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Of course loving mom is charity. You should pray for that adviser because I imagine that someone who thinks like that may have a weeping mother in his/her closet somehow.
Chasing good deeds for rewards also sounds strange to me if this adviser quoted directly Jesus’s words to back up his/her argument in this case. Love is free, love is not a coin. I doubt Jesus had any intentions of convincing us to buy our ladder to Heaven. We should try to love even those we don’t love but not for the sake of anything else but love.
St. Paul wrote ““the highest of them is love””. So how can love be a coin for anything?
If it troubles you pray to God about this advise and then follow what He inspires you to do. My guess is something to reply to the adviser instead.
 
Is there any chance that this is a problem of miscommunication? You first mentioned outreach, which this particular act of mercy is not. Then you mentioned charity. Could he have used the word in a more legal sense than the theological virtue?

With everyone else, I do not know enough to understand the context in which one person would tell another what they should be doing to volunteer, but it is clear that not all have the same time to spend outside of one’s family. If you know you are where God wants you and find yourself spent just on caring for your mother, then no one should tell you otherwise. Likewise, you should not be expected to give up the time you need for yourself to keep going. The race we run is a marathon, not a sprint.

It may also be that this person is having a hard time filling slots and is trying to make his or her problem your problem.
 
Arkansan said:
Your “adviser” is off their rocker.
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I agree.

It sounds to me like your “adviser” isn’t so well advised himself.

It is clear what you are doing is both fulfilling the obligation to honor your mother, AND going above and beyond in charity.
 
Thanks everyone for your reassurance regarding my sister and I truly showing Charity towards our Mom, and not merely fulfilling a biblical requirement – honor thy father and mother.

The individual whom I named as an “adviser” appears to be taking a too legalistic view of what we are doing for our mother. Yes, we are doing both – fulfilling a mandate in the Ten Commandments, but we are also performing an act of charity that comes from our hearts. This seems to me what Jesus emphasizes in his controversies with the pharisees – that they obey the letter of the Law but they are blind to the love and compassion that God wants to see in their hearts.

Outreach in terms of volunteer work is a blessed, Christian practice and should be encouraged. I come from a time when Catholics in the pew generally were shy about community work for the less fortunate, with notable exceptions, of course. Thus, there should be preaching about volunteering. However, as one priest told me, the pendulum sometimes swings so much to the active side of Christian practice that prayer and devotions are disregarded and devalued in favor of becoming a social worker. I believe the path is somewhere in the middle, but also focused according to one’s talents, calling and situation. Thanks again for your reassurances and insights.
 
Michael_Heinzen said:
However, as one priest told me, the pendulum sometimes swings so much to the active side of Christian practice that prayer and devotions are disregarded and devalued in favor of becoming a social worker.
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While this is true, also read 1 Corinthians 12. We are not all supposed to be doing the same thing. You are the part that God needs for your Mom.
 
Michael_Heinzen said:
the pendulum sometimes swings so much to the active side of Christian practice that prayer and devotions are disregarded and devalued in favor of becoming a social worker. I believe the path is somewhere in the middle, but also focused according to one’s talents, calling and situation.
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You have it exactly right.
 
Why don’t you advise the “administrator” to begin helping you with taking care of your mother? That would certainly qualify as “charity” as she defines it and would be some good outreach for her. Do that and I bet she never brings it up again.
 
Michael_Heinzen said:
However, as one priest told me, the pendulum sometimes swings so much to the active side of Christian practice that prayer and devotions are disregarded and devalued in favor of becoming a social worker.
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I’m not one to complain a lot about the Church, but this was a huge problem/ issue for me when I was growing up in the Church.

I’m fine with the idea of active “social work” type ministries as long as people can choose what they want to do and have the time, resources and inclination to do it. Nobody should be forced. Also, my impression these days is that there are a lot of charities that would rather not have to manage a lot of part-time volunteers and would rather just hire a regular staff and have those on the outside donate money, rather than go down and try to get involved.

Sometimes the best “helping” a person can do is not some big organized work at a soup kitchen, but just to see that their neighbor - or even their relative - needs something done like yard work or a ride, and provide it.
 
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When I was in seminary, my mother was deathly ill. With the encouragement of the rector, I spent several months driving 300 miles to her home on Friday evenings and returning to the seminary in the wee hours of Monday mornings. This was so my sister, the primary caregiver, could have some help.

One particular day at Mass in the seminary chapel, the Gospel was Matthew 15:1-20 where Jesus scolds the Elders for using tradition to get out of honoring their mothers and fathers.

After Mass, a priest who was part of the seminary formation team made a point to sit with me at lunch. He said to me in a very abrasive manner and in front of others:“You know? You need to decide very soon whether you want to take care of your sick mother or be a seminarian. You can’t do both!” I replied back to him “Father Larry, it sounds like you weren’t listening when today’s Gospel was proclaimed at Mass.”

Fr. Larry then got up, left his lunch on the table, and walked out of the refectory. I looked around the table at my classmates and said " I guess he’s going to his room to read the Gospel." Laughter ensued.
 
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Tis_Bearself said:
First of all, who is this “parish administrator” that they get to tell you what you need to be involved in? It doesn’t sound like this is coming from a priest, and I am hoping this person is not your spiritual adviser. It also sounds to me like they need to BUTT OUT of your business and not tell you what you need to do with your time.
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This.

Who is this person and why do they have authority over you?
 
Op, I’m sorry this happened to you.

A few years ago one of our children had to do charity service hours for graduation and listed that she watched her sister in the afternoon for a week while I was recovering from a broken foot.

The parish and school said that did not count towards service as it was within our own family.I made a quick call to confirm that this indeed was charity work, and it was resolved.

God Bless you, and I hope this person did not affect you in any negative way by her unkind judgement.
 
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TheOldColonel said:
Why don’t you advise the “administrator” to begin helping you with taking care of your mother? That would certainly qualify as “charity” as she defines it and would be some good outreach for her. Do that and I bet she never brings it up again.
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I was going to post the same thing, but you beat me to it!
 
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