Loving someone who has past partners

[Pyromage07]

Hello All,

Hopefully this is an ok place to post this. I read the forums frequently but hardly ever post.

Anyways, here is my story. I am a male college student in a fairly new relationship with a girl I really care about. We have a lot of fun together but have also had good serious talks about love and sex and religion. She knows I’m Catholic and waiting to have sex until marriage. Even better, she respects that and thinks that will make our relationship even stronger! So yay Her viewpoint on sex before marriage is a little different (currently). She doesn’t think that having sex before marriage really matters as long as you commit 100% to your spouse at marriage. So from that conversation, I know that she has done that in the past (before even knowing me). I already told her I accept her (which is true) but occasionally I just get so upset at the fact. Not even upset at her, just mad that some other guy was that intimate with this girl who I really care about. I have already started praying for God’s help in loving her with His kind of unconditional love but it is challenging. Part of me feels like I need to forgive her, but she hasn’t formally apologized for it because like I said, she doesn’t think it is wrong. I have yet to express how this is continually upsetting me to her but probably will soon if it continues. Anyways, just wondering if there are any words of advice for accepting/loving someone who has had sex before when you haven’t.

Thank you for your time and God Bless.

 

[1ke]

The bigger issue here is not her past sexual relations, it is her belief system which is fundamentally at odds with yours. That leads me to believe she is either not a Catholic, not a Christian or non-practicing.

She doesn’t owe you an apology and you don’t owe her forgiveness. What you do owe YOURSELF is to step back and consider not how you feel now but how her non-practice of the faith would play out long term.

I presume you want a wife and mother for your children who will share your faith, practice the faith, and raise faithful children in a faith-filled home. Begin the way you mean to go on-- you will not find the wife you want here and you will spend a lot of time trying to pretend it doesn’t matter to you only to have to go separate ways when you like her even more than you do now and find it even harder than you do now.

You are not going to change her. Find someone with whom you share a vision of life, love, faith, and family.

 

[NovusFidem]

The bigger issue here is not her past sexual relations, it is her belief system which is fundamentally at odds with yours.

This.

It may not look like this, but if your plans are directed towards marriage (which I believe/hope they are), she would need to understand what sex truly is about BEFORE both of you decide to actually get married.

Her views is what is truly at odds here, not her past partners. Once she understands what sex and marriage are meant to be, she will probably feel shame and remorse over her past decisions; then you’ll need to be there to support her, as she will probably feel undeserving of you. You need to show (and tell!) that she is loved, and that what happened in her past means nothing to you.

Your role is to support her, not forgive! She has not done anything against **you **that would require your forgiveness, and if she does eventually repent, then she will be forgiven (by God).

On your part, I believe you should also try to resolve your feelings before any sort of groundbreaking decision. You are at odds with her past partners, not her views, and this is problematic. You are getting bothered by her past sins - sins which WILL be forgiven when she repents, - and that is not cool. How would you feel if your friends and family held your sins before you, and let those past sins taint the image they have of you?

God is merciful. Once forgiven, our sins are water under the bridge: forget, lest they hold you back from loving someone that God holds dear.

Direct that resentment where it rightfully belong: to the ideas that will make her err more if nothing changes…

 

[katy]

The bigger issue here is not her past sexual relations, it is her belief system which is fundamentally at odds with yours.

:sad_yes:
*

 

[Jon_S_1]

Hello All,

Hopefully this is an ok place to post this. I read the forums frequently but hardly ever post.

Anyways, here is my story. I am a male college student in a fairly new relationship with a girl I really care about. We have a lot of fun together but have also had good serious talks about love and sex and religion. She knows I’m Catholic and waiting to have sex until marriage. Even better, she respects that and thinks that will make our relationship even stronger! So yay Her viewpoint on sex before marriage is a little different (currently). She doesn’t think that having sex before marriage really matters as long as you commit 100% to your spouse at marriage. So from that conversation, I know that she has done that in the past (before even knowing me). I already told her I accept her (which is true) but occasionally I just get so upset at the fact. Not even upset at her, just mad that some other guy was that intimate with this girl who I really care about. I have already started praying for God’s help in loving her with His kind of unconditional love but it is challenging. Part of me feels like I need to forgive her, but she hasn’t formally apologized for it because like I said, she doesn’t think it is wrong. I have yet to express how this is continually upsetting me to her but probably will soon if it continues. Anyways, just wondering if there are any words of advice for accepting/loving someone who has had sex before when you haven’t.

Thank you for your time and God Bless.

How does she feel about your past sins?

If you told her about some of your past sins would you want her to judge you?

That’s what you are doing to her.

I suggest you let it be and work on your relationship now. Loving her means putting her above yourself and your not doing that right now.

Sorry to be blunt but it sounds like she is being open and honest and respectful of your beliefs and that’s wonderful.

The real question you guys should be tackling is what will you tell your kids and how will sexual values be handled in your marriage? Things like birth control and raising the kids Catholic and setting good instruction and example for them is extremely difficult if you guys believe differently.

 

[Beryllos]

Let me see if I’ve got this straight. You think you need to forgive her, and you think she needs to apologize, for something she did that did not involve you, and which she did before she even knew you? How is it possible that you feel offended by that?

I don’t know you, or her, and I don’t have all the answers, but as a general rule, I think the feeling of being offended derives from one’s own pride and self-centeredness. Imagine yourself saying “You offend me” or “How could you do this to me?” That makes it all about you. How does that promote her spiritual good? Try instead to cultivate a relationship in which you build up and encourage each other in virtue and faith. From what you wrote about her, it seems possible that you and she could develop such a relationship.

 

[mikekle]

That is going to be a tough relationship, I used to be the type of person she is, partying with friends, casual sex with the girls I dated was no big deal, it was a normal thing 2 people did when they started dating, usually on the first date too, back then, I did not see anything wrong with it, neither did the girls.

Looking back, if I had started talking to a girl and she would not have sex until marriage, more than likely, the relationship would not go anywhere, beliefs are just too different, its very unlikely she will want to practice abstinence for a long period of time, especially if she is used to living like this.

Not trying to get down on you, just speaking from past experience.

 

[1ke]

Once she understands what sex and marriage are meant to be, she will probably feel shame and remorse over her past decisions; then you’ll need to be there to support her, as she will probably feel undeserving of you. You need to show (and tell!) that she is loved, and that what happened in her past means nothing to you.

You are assuming a lot here. You are assuming she will understand sex and marriage as a Catholic does. You are assuming she will feel “shame and remorse”, and you are assuming that this guy will (or should) stick around for said future event.

This is a dangerous line of thinking full of false hope and promise. The above is exactly what the OP wants-- a change of heart, a new set of values, and remorse-- from his girlfriend.

And it is NOT what he is going to get from her. OP, don’t for one minute think she will change. You must base any relationship decisions on WHO SHE IS not on WHO YOU WANT HER TO BE.

 

[kozlosap]

Wow, some really harsh views are on display here. Are women supposed to run about with a pink “V” on their foreheads so that men who require that their future wives be virgins aren’t tricked by those evil seductive young women? The OP was honest and heartfelt in his feelings, yet the answers to his inquiry turned into a bashing of women who had sexual relationships before they had that ring on it.
. Thank goodness that Jesus told ‘M.M.’ to go and sin no more:shrug:

 

[NovusFidem]

You are assuming a lot here. You are assuming she will understand sex and marriage as a Catholic does. You are assuming she will feel “shame and remorse”, and you are assuming that this guy will (or should) stick around for said future event.

This is a dangerous line of thinking full of false hope and promise. The above is exactly what the OP wants-- a change of heart, a new set of values, and remorse-- from his girlfriend.

And it is NOT what he is going to get from her. OP, don’t for one minute think she will change. You must base any relationship decisions on WHO SHE IS not on WHO YOU WANT HER TO BE.

Thank you for pointing where I lack charity, I stand corrected on those issues.

 

[Kelfa28]

Wow, some really harsh views are on display here. Are women supposed to run about with a pink “V” on their foreheads so that men who require that their future wives be virgins aren’t tricked by those evil seductive young women? The OP was honest and heartfelt in his feelings, yet the answers to his inquiry turned into a bashing of women who had sexual relationships before they had that ring on it.
. Thank goodness that Jesus told ‘M.M.’ to go and sin no more:shrug:

Speaking as a woman with a history, who married someone with a history, I agree with you.

Except that isn’t what we saw in the post.

This girl, who the OP is dating, has a much different view on sex before marriage. She thinks it’s okay, despite her willingness to wait for him.

That is the big issue here…she doesn’t share the Catholic faith with him and isn’t sorry for her past.

 

[1ke]

Wow, some really harsh views are on display here.

I think the views on display have been realistic regarding the fact that he and she have different values and beliefs.

Are women supposed to run about with a pink “V” on their foreheads so that men who require that their future wives be virgins aren’t tricked by those evil seductive young women?

I am a woman. I don’t see where any response put forth is in this vein at all.

The OP was honest and heartfelt in his feelings, yet the answers to his inquiry turned into a bashing of women who had sexual relationships before they had that ring on it.

I’m not seeing it. What I do see is people saying that two different belief systems might not be the best basis for a future relationship.

Thank goodness that Jesus told ‘M.M.’ to go and sin no more:shrug:

Jesus did not tell Mary Magdalene to go and sin no more. He cast 7 demons out of Mary Magdalene. He told the woman caught in adultery to go and sin no more.

However, if you want to use the woman caught in adultery as a parallel, the OP’s love interest doesn’t want to “sin no more” and in fact doesn’t believe she is doing anything wrong.

 

[rafarose]

The bigger issue here is not her past sexual relations, it is her belief system which is fundamentally at odds with yours. That leads me to believe she is either not a Catholic, not a Christian or non-practicing.

She doesn’t owe you an apology and you don’t owe her forgiveness. What you do owe YOURSELF is to step back and consider not how you feel now but how her non-practice of the faith would play out long term.

I presume you want a wife and mother for your children who will share your faith, practice the faith, and raise faithful children in a faith-filled home. Begin the way you mean to go on-- you will not find the wife you want here and you will spend a lot of time trying to pretend it doesn’t matter to you only to have to go separate ways when you like her even more than you do now and find it even harder than you do now.

You are not going to change her. Find someone with whom you share a vision of life, love, faith, and family.

Yes yes!! OP, I strongly urge you to listen to this piece of advice. I sort of went through what you did. I had the same frustrations you have (I.e. knowing that the person I really cared about was intimate with someone else). I told the guy i had been dating about how I felt and it made him really uncomfortable. The problem here is NOT her past (i.e. if she was repentent would her past bother you this much? Prob not–it’s her values and views on sexuality that do). Plus i think It would be unfair to tell her that her past bothers you–theres nth you can do about it. What’s done is done. Like I said earlier, that’s sort of what I did and it made him very uncomfortable and he said that he felt like he was being judged. Later on, when I reflected on this, I realized that what bothered me really was his views on sexuality and it wasn’t his past. If you do want to speak to her about this, I strongly recommend that you evaluate your feelings and thoughts before doing so.
From your post, it seems to me that you really care about her and that you want her to find Jesus someday, but dont put your hopes up too much and DON’T go into this thinking about who she is to become. I learned it the hard way: you either accept the person the way they are or you move on.

 

[Joy2day]

It’s like asking a Muslim person to feel bad about abstaining from pork: sort of ridiculous, & unreasonable. There are real differences between you two & when you are very young you don’t realise how much they could matter later on. People do change, but not always & you don’t know in what direction. Or maybe they don’t change but actually become more of their authentic selves. I think you can be too young in your early 20s to consider marriage.

 

[chero23]

How does she feel about your past sins?

If you told her about some of your past sins would you want her to judge you?

That’s what you are doing to her.

I suggest you let it be and work on your relationship now. Loving her means putting her above yourself and your not doing that right now.

Sorry to be blunt but it sounds like she is being open and honest and respectful of your beliefs and that’s wonderful.

The real question you guys should be tackling is what will you tell your kids and how will sexual values be handled in your marriage? Things like birth control and raising the kids Catholic and setting good instruction and example for them is extremely difficult if you guys believe differently.

I do believe that you can say, ay ay ay, I don’t know if I’m comfortable being with someone who has slept with x number of people. That person has every right to think like that. The catch is, you better be Saint like.

Now, he doesn’t have to tell her, I want this to end bc your past flashes to my head.

Look, some people can forgive a partner cheating and blocking it. Other people may forgive the person but say, I don’t want to be with you anymore bc that will always pop into my head and not make me happy.

 

[Pyromage07]

First off, thank you to everyone for contributing your 2 cents. I appreciate it. Some of you have presented some new ideas and viewpoints I hadn’t considered so thank you. I think what 1ke said sums it up best:

This is a dangerous line of thinking full of false hope and promise. The above is exactly what the OP wants-- a change of heart, a new set of values, and remorse-- from his girlfriend.

And it is NOT what he is going to get from her. OP, don’t for one minute think she will change. You must base any relationship decisions on WHO SHE IS not on WHO YOU WANT HER TO BE.

I would have no problem accepting/loving her with her past IF she repented to God in the beautiful Sacrament of Reconciliation (my favorite Sacrament). But that won’t happen unless she shares my Catholic views on sex and marriage. So, has many of you have said, maybe the issue really is her beliefs and not her past action. With that being the case, I do agree with 1ke that you cannot date a person with the intent of changing them. Rather, you date them as they are and they date you as you are.

On marriage, that is what I am looking for. However, I am in a stage of my life right now were marriage is not going to happen anytime soon with anyone (I’m too young and still planning on medical school). So with this girl, I think I will remain hopeful that my lifestyle that (hopefully) is radiating the love of the Lord in strong communion with the Catholic Church reaches out and touches her heart. And if it doesn’t, at some point that will become a deal breaker but that moment is not now I feel.

So again, thank you for your time, care, and advice. I would really appreciate prayers for myself and a relationship filled with God’s Love.

 

[BornInMarch]

Get over yourself!

She didn’t do anything against you. Acting like someone wronged you by something they did before they even met you is quite selfish, especially because it’s impossible to change the past.

If you cared about this girl as much as you claimed to, then you’d be focused on the future and not on the past. There are people with much worse skeletons in their closets who are still capable of loving and being loved, so I doubt this is really so bad.

 

[on_the_hill]

I would have no problem accepting/loving her with her past IF she repented to God in the beautiful Sacrament of Reconciliation (my favorite Sacrament).

I think you should tell her exactly that. She ought to know who she’s getting involved with before it’s too late.

 

[mark_a]

Hello All,

Hopefully this is an ok place to post this. I read the forums frequently but hardly ever post.

Anyways, here is my story. I am a male college student in a fairly new relationship with a girl I really care about. We have a lot of fun together but have also had good serious talks about love and sex and religion. She knows I’m Catholic and waiting to have sex until marriage. Even better, she respects that and thinks that will make our relationship even stronger! So yay Her viewpoint on sex before marriage is a little different (currently). She doesn’t think that having sex before marriage really matters as long as you commit 100% to your spouse at marriage. So from that conversation, I know that she has done that in the past (before even knowing me). I already told her I accept her (which is true) but occasionally I just get so upset at the fact. Not even upset at her, just mad that some other guy was that intimate with this girl who I really care about. I have already started praying for God’s help in loving her with His kind of unconditional love but it is challenging. Part of me feels like I need to forgive her, but she hasn’t formally apologized for it because like I said, she doesn’t think it is wrong. I have yet to express how this is continually upsetting me to her but probably will soon if it continues. Anyways, just wondering if there are any words of advice for accepting/loving someone who has had sex before when you haven’t.

Thank you for your time and God Bless.

The problem you currently face is minuscule compared to the problems you face further down the road if you marry her. And it’s not so much because she views pre-marital sexual commitment differently than you, its because her Protestant-atheist-cultural mindset toward contraception is completely un-Catholic.

 

[CRATUS]

Get over yourself!

She didn’t do anything against you. Acting like someone wronged you by something they did before they even met you is quite selfish, especially because it’s impossible to change the past.

If you cared about this girl as much as you claimed to, then you’d be focused on the future and not on the past. There are people with much worse skeletons in their closets who are still capable of loving and being loved, so I doubt this is really so bad.

While I do agree with you, you could have worded this more charitably. For whatever reason, I notice for men it is much more difficult for them to accept a woman who has had sexual partners before them. Women tend to be more accepting in this area. I do think there are worse sins than fornication. I honestly it can be difficult to trust someone if you know they had no problems before “getting around.” How can you trust they be faithful to you now?