Low desire husband

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Oren

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What should you do if you’re the wife of a man with a low sex drive? I almost always initiate. When we do have sex, it is very satisfying and great. I want more and more. But initiating all the time has made me feel very undesirable…like I’m a pathetic person begging for sex. We’ve talked about it a lot, even to the point that in our last conversation he said that everything has already been said. The only explanation he gives is that he’s tired and thinking of other things and that we always have something else going on. In our last conversation I told him that I wouldn’t initiate it anymore, because it doesn’t make me happy to do so. I told him I would wait for him to initiate, but I won’t be happy with the frequency he does. It’s a catch 22. I don’t know what to do. It’s hard to guess how often he would initiate sex if I stopped initiating completely…perhaps every couple of weeks? I would say that for every five times I initiate, he initiates once. It might be even worse than that and it would probably get worse once I stop initiating completely.
Up to this point I’d resigned myself to being the initiator and trying to feel ok with it. But I just can’t. I don’t feel feminine and I don’t feel wanted when I do that. I have a very bad body image to begin with, and a big part of why I opened up to him and accepted a relationship at all was how he made me feel better about my body and how attracted to me he was. I was never looking for a relationship and never expecting one in my life until I met him and he convinced me of how he felt about me. Now, when he doesn’t even really want to have sex with me anymore, it’s like all of that feels like a lie and a manipulation and I just feel betrayed and duped.
What should I do?
Just for more info I’m Catholic and he’s an unbaptized person of no faith. We were married in the Church though. Faith isn’t a dynamic of the relationship.
 
I am not sure that this is a faith issue, so your husband’s religious beliefs shouldn’t matter. This seems to be a human issue, and an issue of love within a marriage.

The level of sex drive (libido) varies between individuals. Despite the cultural stereotype of men constantly wanting sex, some guys just aren’t very interested. A person’s libido may increase or decrease during that person’s lifetime or it may remain much the same. Certain medical conditions or prescriptions may decrease libido.

What strikes me most about your post is that your husband seems content with his low libido, while you are not. The problem isn’t with you or with him, it is with the differing perspectives of both of you.

I think it is entirely understandable that you feel neglected and even unloved. Our culture assumes, even promotes, the idea that men are sexually aggressive. So the lack of sexual advances from him, over and over, could naturally make a woman feel that she is undesirable.

Because he is content, he likely doesn’t see a problem. But I think it is a problem he needs to address.

He needs to take steps to how his love and desire more frequently. Whether that requires couples counseling or individual counseling, I don’t know. It might even require him talking with his physician to rule medical problems. Yet, for any of that to happen, he has to understand there is a significant problem in the marriage. Making him understand the problem could be a delicate thing. But a loving husband will want to do something once he does understand.
 
I don’t know if I can help in this matter…but I do wonder about a couple of things.

First of all…where you say that you feel that you may have been “duped” and “lied to”, “betrayed” and “manipulated”. These are very strong words…
Does he beat you? Is he verbally abusive? Is he a poor provider? Do you have reason to suspect that he is unfaithful?
I don’t ask these questions to be critical either of you or your husband since I know next to nothing about either of you. The reason I ask is to try to place the matter into the broader context of your life together and not just in the bedroom.

A person’s libido can be effected by many things and isn’t the same throughout life. We do not know what work he does, what hours, stress levels, general health etc. If he says that he is tired and is thinking about other things…perhaps he needs help compartmentalizing.

You say that you do not feel “feminine” when you initiate. Fair enough…Have you considered doing other things that ARE feminine (more traditionally) that might help him relax, stop worrying about other things?
Some women might disagree with me, but there is something to be said for the “pipe and slippers” routine…A good meal, relaxing music, maybe some distracting TV, a cocktail to “take the edge off” after a hard day…All of these things can help him relax and perhaps…just perhaps, allow him to be reminded of why and how much he loves you.
You might also need to learn the great value of what we might call “extended foreplay”…I use to say, in regards to my lady and I, that our foreplay started the morning after making love. Not in a specific sense of what is termed foreplay, but in the sense that everything we did with each other, or everything we did apart that was for our marriage, was a form of foreplay and indeed a form of “lovemaking”.
So recognize that, there is much that can be done outside of the bedroom that can give you both satisfaction, that cuddling on the couch and watching anything from a ridiculous movie to a ball-game can be joyful, fulfilling and satisfying - just for it’s own sake.

Then - in addition to the above suggestions and as a very practical item to help stave off hurt feelings and frustrations, talk to your hubby about a “date night”. That way - you are not “initiating” but rather the two of you are planning ahead of time some special time together.

I hope some parts of this might be of help.

Peace
James
 
Oren said:
The only explanation he gives is that he’s tired and thinking of other things and that we always have something else going on.
How is he otherwise? Is he cheerful, quiet or sullen? Is there a possibility that he is depressed? People often overlook how depression affects one’s libido. Or they do not even realize that they are depressed. They just know that they aren’t happy.
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I’m kind of in teh opposite boat as you, I have an incredibly high sex drive and my wife’s is… well… let’s just say it’s not. We’ve talked about it, and the real problem is stress. She’s really stressed with her job, so I’ve been going out of my way to help her de-stress when I can.

You should sit down with your husband and try to figure out -why- he’s not interested. If it’s something like stress then, as others have said, there’s a lot you can do to help after a hard day of work. If it’s something like a hormonal issue then there are medication you can get to help.

It could also be that he thinks you’re only interested in sex because of the physical aspects of it (how good it feels). If that’s the case, he might feel like you’re only using him for pleasure, which would probably sour his mood a little. Have you talked to him about -why- sex is so important to you?
 
Oren said:
What should you do if you’re the wife of a man with a low sex drive? I almost always initiate. When we do have sex, it is very satisfying and great. I want more and more. But initiating all the time has made me feel very undesirable…like I’m a pathetic person begging for sex. We’ve talked about it a lot, even to the point that in our last conversation he said that everything has already been said. The only explanation he gives is that he’s tired and thinking of other things and that we always have something else going on. In our last conversation I told him that I wouldn’t initiate it anymore, because it doesn’t make me happy to do so. I told him I would wait for him to initiate, but I won’t be happy with the frequency he does. It’s a catch 22. I don’t know what to do. It’s hard to guess how often he would initiate sex if I stopped initiating completely…perhaps every couple of weeks? I would say that for every five times I initiate, he initiates once. It might be even worse than that and it would probably get worse once I stop initiating completely.
Up to this point I’d resigned myself to being the initiator and trying to feel ok with it. But I just can’t. I don’t feel feminine and I don’t feel wanted when I do that. I have a very bad body image to begin with, and a big part of why I opened up to him and accepted a relationship at all was how he made me feel better about my body and how attracted to me he was. I was never looking for a relationship and never expecting one in my life until I met him and he convinced me of how he felt about me. Now, when he doesn’t even really want to have sex with me anymore, it’s like all of that feels like a lie and a manipulation and I just feel betrayed and duped.
What should I do?
Just for more info I’m Catholic and he’s an unbaptized person of no faith. We were married in the Church though. Faith isn’t a dynamic of the relationship.
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While it is understandable that you feel hurt by being the one who is always initiating, you mentioned in your post that it is always enjoyable once things start moving. I would be more concerned if you were initiating and he was unable to engage with you. I think there comes a point in our marriage where–to a certain extent–we accept the roles placed upon us. It’s very possible that, in your marriage, you are the initiator. If you know he loves you, and your marital embrace is one that is still involved and loving, then maybe things are how they should be. 🤷 I’m not an expert, so you don’t have to take my advice whatsoever. But it was just a thought. 🙂 Either way, I pray for both you and your husband that you find the right balance.
 
I understand where you are coming from and I think your feelings are totally valid, even the strong words. I have had similar feelings myself. I think that a lot of people are more understanding of men in this position than women. What stands out about your post is that your husband wasn’t always this way and that he is content to be this way, even though it is causing you pain. That’s not right, no matter how one looks at things. Does he know the Catholic church’s teachings on marriage and sex? I know he does not have faith himself, but I wonder if it would make any difference if he knew ore about the depths of your faith when it comes to the topic of marriage and sex. Is he masturbating? Just my opinion but I don’t think wanting sex once every 5+ weeks is just a “low sex drive”…I think there’s something more there. He should be making every effort to figure out what that is. More specifically, he should be seeing a medical doctor as well as a mental health professional to help get to the bottom of this.
 
Get ready, because frankly this is usually something that isn’t going away. Be happy though that at least he doesn’t reject you when you initiate. 10 years of being rejected by my wife at nearly every level of attempted physical or emotional intimacy, and no matter how much kindness, patience, desperation, tears, anger, withdrawal, and then talking it out and trying all over again, it never changes. You’ll often feel alone in your own shared bed, you’ll get so desperate for human love, sex, or just affection and affirmation that you’ll feel at times like you’re losing your mind! Be happy at least with what you do have cause it could be worse!😦
 
Have you (plural) considered that if he considered doing things that made you feel pretty without it being initiation of sex that you might have that need met and then would not feel so resentful about being the one who initiates sex? It is something to think about.

Let us look seriously at this, though: “a lie and a manipulation and I just feel betrayed and duped”. You feel rejected, understandably so, but I suspect the rest is a combination of your feelings and your thoughts about why you are feeling the way you are feeling. You are angry and so you want to make this into something he did on purpose, so you can fault him for it? I doubt you’d do that on purpose, but like this pattern he has fallen into, we fall into these self-serving patterns of thought just like we fall into self-serving patterns of action. (I think many times we are tempted into these patterns, either directly into sin or else as a sort of prepared flower bed for marital discord…but perhaps I’ve read The Screwtape Letters a few too many times.) At worst, I think your husband has gotten lazy…that is, he’s willing to take the amount of sex he gets by letting you do the lion’s share of the emotional work. I don’t think this is part of a grand scheme to deceive you into thinking you’re attractive when you weren’t. If I had to bet money, that would be my last guess.

IOW, it is not impossible for you to be using those words justly, but it is unlikely. Still, if you have a concrete reason to believe he planned to make you feel good with the deceitful goal of withdrawing his approval later because he really wanted something else but could only get it by tricking you into marrying him under false pretenses, then OK. In that case, he lied to you, manipulated you, betrayed you and duped you. I don’t think that this is the most likely explanation, though, do you? Don’t you think he’s telling the truth: that is, like literally millions of people, his stress level has climbed to the point that it has lowered his sex drive? Alternately, are you willing to face the fact that sex drive is something that changes over time? In the realm of better or worse, this is one of those things that routinely comes to be filed under “worse”.

Mostly, though we might want to be concerned for your husband’s health. He is either under too much stress or he does not have very good stress-management skills. That doesn’t just hurt your sex life. That could hurt his longevity and overall health in profound ways. If he tells you that he wishes he were as interested in sex as he used to be, then consider very seriously how the two of you might get the stress of your lives in order. Then you can have a fairer look at how each of your sex drives has changed with age. I would drop the self-talk rhetoric of criticism, bitterness, and resentment, though. That will solve nothing. In fact, it could ruin your marriage. Don’t let the evil one get that footing in you.

Finally, resolve to always approach this as a problem that he wants to solve as much as you do. Resolve to believe that he would enjoy regular sexual intimacy as much as you.** I mean you need to stay on the same side! You cannot have a relationship that is simultaneously intimate and adversarial. **Resolve that whatever happens, you’ll not make him out to be your opponent in this.
 
Thanks for all the replies. Easterjoy, you’re right about it being a stupid way to think about the problem. But…I can’t help but think that part of it is his payback. He had a big problem with me not wanting to have sex with him before marriage. It was resolved eventually…but he said it hurt him. Sometimes I think that he still has that in his mind even now and so he’s withholding sex from me because in his mind I did the same thing to him at the start of our relationship. I don’t think it’s conscious really, at least I hope it’s not. He has denied it, while at the same time referring back to it as a past hurt in our conversations about the problem. He has a tendency to live in the past of our relationship.
Ultimately, what I mean about feeling betrayed and lied to etc is that he always put this huge emphasis on wanting to have sex before marriage and it was a big problem from the get go. Now that it’s ok to have sex (to me) he’s not interested.
Age isn’t a problem. I’m 31 and he’s 27. There is no abuse in the relationship.
 
It doesn’t bother me to initiate. It just bothers me that I’m the one who does most of the time. If it was more 50/50 then I would be ok with it. I’m not saying he has to initiate 100 percent of the time or even most of the time. An equal amount of time would be ok to me.
I put forth the suggestion of having a schedule…two times a week. He said it would be ok, but then it just never happened. He claimed shortly after we agreed on the schedule that his libido had gotten better so we didn’t need the schedule, but then I was still the one initiating most of the time. That’s why I didn’t bring up the schedule again this time.
I don’t think he’s lying about being stressed and tired. I know he is. But even on the few days that we have where he’s not working and we have free time, he wants to use that time to work on cars or projects around the house or mow the lawn or watch tv shows or go grocery shopping or clothes shopping…anything but have sex. I offer to clean the house so he doesn’t have to clean at all and do his laundry and things like that, but he says no.
 
Oren said:
Thanks for all the replies. Easterjoy, you’re right about it being a stupid way to think about the problem. But…I can’t help but think that part of it is his payback. He had a big problem with me not wanting to have sex with him before marriage. It was resolved eventually…but he said it hurt him. Sometimes I think that he still has that in his mind even now and so he’s withholding sex from me because in his mind I did the same thing to him at the start of our relationship. I don’t think it’s conscious really, at least I hope it’s not. He has denied it, while at the same time referring back to it as a past hurt in our conversations about the problem. He has a tendency to live in the past of our relationship.
Ultimately, what I mean about feeling betrayed and lied to etc is that he always put this huge emphasis on wanting to have sex before marriage and it was a big problem from the get go. Now that it’s ok to have sex (to me) he’s not interested.
Age isn’t a problem. I’m 31 and he’s 27. There is no abuse in the relationship.
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In the realm of feelings, be careful about what you mean when you judgs as “stupid” (or anything else). Instead, look at feelings in two ways: a) as part of the full experience of the life you’re living and b) as pointers to your deeper inner world. Your feelings can teach you a lot about thoughts you don’t even know you’re thinking. Look for the attitudes that lead to the feelings. They can slip in unconsciously, as you obviously know. Well, they are only unconscious until you look at them: then you become aware. Your feelings tell you, “Hey, look!! This is how our insides are viewing the outside!” IOW, your emotions also help you to see yourself more fully. The “stupid”–that is, the failure of the brain to work properly–is not always willful. Lack of sleep or excessive stress can make us stupid. Lack of preparation can make us stupid. Inexperience and false interpretation can make us stupid. The “stupid” isn’t in the feelings, but in the thoughts, and very often the thoughts are unexamined, not willful. That isn’t stopped by self-punishment. It is stopped by self-care…more sleep, better handling of stress, more preparation, attentiveness and learning from mistakes. The last thing you ought to do when you’ve done something that can objectively be called stupid is to beat yourself up. What you need to do is to get yourself and your thinking taken care of. In the Catholic mind, after all, repentance and amendment are not just about justice. They are about healing. They are about growing in holiness.

You might return to the topic of your insistence on no sex before marriage with your husband…that could be something you haven’t touched on quite as you might want to. Remind him that this decision to stick to your values–which was no piece of cake for you, either, since you’re obviously not frigid!!–was not to “withhold from” him, but rather to “withhold for” him! After all, what if you had been engaged to someone else previously? If you had failed to waith with some previous fiance that you didn’t go on to marry, then you wouldn’t have been withholding for that man who went the distance and actually *did *marry you…your current husband! You would have given yourself to someone else first. You waited because you wanted to give yourself only to your husband, the one who really loves you, and that is what you have done. That is what the waiting was all about.

Also, remember that it is difficult to be sexy when you’re under pressure to perform. His car isn’t going to complain if he works on the yard, and the yard isn’t going to complain if he shops for stereos. Those are stress-free choices. If you’re going to have a schedule, then schedule time together, not sex. Let the decision about what to do together during that time be free. Realize, too, that if you can either have sex as often as you want it or you can have sex initiated by him some certain fraction of the time, but you probably cannot have both. Saying, “Today is the 10th, and by previous agreement you WILL initiate sex becaus it is your turn to come after me” is not going to work. (Well, the concept doesn’t seem likely to turn the average person into an enthusiastic sex machine, let’s just say that. :rolleyes:) You can only insist that he spend time with you and not on other things.
 
Have you looked into the possibility of him having some narcissistic tendencies or even Madonna whore complex? Some of the things you’ve said make me think of that, especially him wanting sex from you before marriage and then not when it was finally ok for you after marriage and the feeling that with-holding from you now might be some sort of payback. I know for me personally, I do feel like my husband lied to me b/c we discussed these things before marriage and then after we got married and it wasn’t as we had agreed, he didn’t even seemed the slight bit surprised or uneasy. It’s as if he was totally content with the arrangement. If not a lie, then why wouldn’t he have been shocked that the outcome was so different than what he had represented before marriage? Why wouldn’t that be concerning? I don’t know if this is at all translatable to your situation though.
 
Oren said:
Thanks for all the replies. Easterjoy, you’re right about it being a stupid way to think about the problem. But…I can’t help but think that part of it is his payback. He had a big problem with me not wanting to have sex with him before marriage. It was resolved eventually…but he said it hurt him. Sometimes I think that he still has that in his mind even now and so he’s withholding sex from me because in his mind I did the same thing to him at the start of our relationship. I don’t think it’s conscious really, at least I hope it’s not. He has denied it, while at the same time referring back to it as a past hurt in our conversations about the problem. He has a tendency to live in the past of our relationship.
Ultimately, what I mean about feeling betrayed and lied to etc is that he always put this huge emphasis on wanting to have sex before marriage and it was a big problem from the get go. Now that it’s ok to have sex (to me) he’s not interested.
Age isn’t a problem. I’m 31 and he’s 27. There is no abuse in the relationship.
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As a man with a healthy sex drive I can tell you this idea of him withholding as payback for not getting it before marriage doesn’t make sense. That can’t be it. This would literally be cutting off his own nose to spite his face!:D. If a man wants to have sex he will simply want to have sex, refusing or not initiating would in such a case be as unpleasant for him as for you, so that isn’t the cause, I assure you.
 
Blacksword said:
As a man with a healthy sex drive I can tell you this idea of him withholding as payback for not getting it before marriage doesn’t make sense. That can’t be it. This would literally be cutting off his own nose to spite his face!:D. If a man wants to have sex he will simply want to have sex, refusing or not initiating would in such a case be as unpleasant for him as for you, so that isn’t the cause, I assure you.
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Male narcissists do this. They withhold sex to punish their partners. It’s a recognized part of NPD. You may not be able to do this, as a person without a personality disorder but there are plenty of men who are capable of just that. It’s not unpleasant for them at all.
 
I should clarify that I’m not saying her husband has NPD or narcissistic tendencies or that this is what is going on there. I’m just saying that there are men in the world are capable of this.
 
Blacksword said:
As a man with a healthy sex drive I can tell you this idea of him withholding as payback for not getting it before marriage doesn’t make sense. That can’t be it. This would literally be cutting off his own nose to spite his face!:D. If a man wants to have sex he will simply want to have sex, refusing or not initiating would in such a case be as unpleasant for him as for you, so that isn’t the cause, I assure you.
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Some guys have emotional lives that are quite a bit more complex than that. After all, it depends a great deal on whether he was really on board with waiting until the wedding, or whether waiting caused him a lot of resentment. If he resented having to wait before the wedding, that resentment over his lack of control in the situation doesn’t just automatically melt away when the waiting is over. Old unresolved resentments are very bad for intimacy, no matter what your gender, and people who are otherwise emotionally capable can be crippled by them.
 
I just wanted to say you should read “The Sex-Starved Wife” by Michele Weiner Davis. It was very eye-opening for me. It will make you feel less alone and will give you some things to think about to help your situation. Prayers for you.
 
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