Lust with my boyfriend

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stefina

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This is the 3rd time now where I found out that my boyfriend has said something very lustful to another women. Last year after 6 months of dating this girl over facebook started flirting with him and he was saying very innapropriate comments about her chest, I found out about it that day, and then about 3 months ago my boyfriend agreed to let a girl flash him (but apparently he realized what he was doing and didnt go thru with it) and now I just found that he commented on this video on youtube, from last year (while we were together) and he also commented on a womens chest. I am very hurt and I dont know if my boyfriend is taking advantage of me forgiving him the first 2 times. We are both catholic and we go to church every weekend together, and we’ve been together for a year and 3 months, but I feel as maybe he’s keeping things away from me and im losing trust in him? advice is greatly appreciated!

God bless.
 
Comments about a womans chest? So inappropriate. Yes, he is taking advantage of you forgiving him. You can still forgive him without enabling him, etc, etc. It’s time to say BYE BYE boyfriend I’m afraid.
 
As a married man, I understand how difficult it can be to deal with the physical attraction of other women. I myself have dealt with issues like his (and worse). My wife’s repeated forgiveness, yes repeated, helped to encourage me to refrain from my previous habit. I appreciate her forgiveness every time I think about it, because I know what I was doing was wrong.

That being said, as humans, we sin. We ask God to forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us. Yes, your bf is trespassing against you and God. If he is actively trying to change his behavior, which he may or may not be, I would suggest you forgive him as often as you yourself want to be forgiven by God. The other side, one that I think my be helpful for him, as it was for me, is to tell him how hurtful it is to you to see this. Ask him why he does it. The context may make you more inclined to forgive him, and may help both of you find ways to avoid future occurrence.
 
But she is DATING him. She is not married and it would be UNWISE to put up with this. Lustful BFs make lustful husbands.
 
*Don’t settle for men who treat you like this. There really are men out there who are honest, decent, and only have eyes for their gf’s…

While I believe in forgiveness…he doesn’t sound like he’s all that sorry. :o I’d say to let him go, and find someone who will treat you with dignity, and who doesn’t look at women as objects, in general. Gosh, this is the second thread I’ve read today of girls putting up with men who don’t treat them right. Ladies, don’t settle!!! Choosing someone for marriage is the most important decision of your life, don’t choose someone who while dating, shows a complete lack of respect for you. 😦

Just my two cents. *
 
Derwin_James said:
As a married man, I understand how difficult it can be to deal with the physical attraction of other women. I myself have dealt with issues like his (and worse). My wife’s repeated forgiveness, yes repeated, helped to encourage me to refrain from my previous habit. I appreciate her forgiveness every time I think about it, because I know what I was doing was wrong.

That being said, as humans, we sin. We ask God to forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us. Yes, your bf is trespassing against you and God. If he is actively trying to change his behavior, which he may or may not be, I would suggest you forgive him as often as you yourself want to be forgiven by God. The other side, one that I think my be helpful for him, as it was for me, is to tell him how hurtful it is to you to see this. Ask him why he does it. The context may make you more inclined to forgive him, and may help both of you find ways to avoid future occurrence.
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*Forgiveness doesn’t mean that a girl has to stay with a guy who is dishonest, and lustful. She can forgive and still let go of an unhealthy relationship. *
 
Keep in mind that he is a guy, and men do have very different sexual feelings than woman do. Lust, whatever it might be, cannot be considered in the same sense as infidelity. A man is just biologically programmed to automatically lust after women. Sometimes, men cannot even control the initial feelings.

Maybe he needs to close his account on facebook…or, better yet, have him give you all his passwords-demand it.

It also depends on the seriousness of your releationship. How old are both of you? Serious as in marriage?
 
whatevergirl said:
*Don’t settle for men who treat you like this. There really are men out there who are honest, decent, and only have eyes for their gf’s…

While I believe in forgiveness…he doesn’t sound like he’s all that sorry. :o I’d say to let him go, and find someone who will treat you with dignity, and who doesn’t look at women as objects, in general. Gosh, this is the second thread I’ve read today of girls putting up with men who don’t treat them right. Ladies, don’t settle!!! Choosing someone for marriage is the most important decision of your life, don’t choose someone who while dating, shows a complete lack of respect for you. 😦

Just my two cents. *
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I’m with Whatevergirl on this one. You can tell him that his wandering eye makes you feel disgusted and hurt. Tell him you forgive him. Then say goodbye.

My husband agrees with me on this, btw. Wandering eyes on boyfriends do not stop wandering once married. You deserve better!
 
we “we’re” serious… I plan on talking to him about this when he gets home from work in about an hour… we are both in our 20’s… and yes marriage was something we were heading towards, as well with saving sex for marriage. I do undestand what he did was in the past and chances ae he went to confession for it, but it still makes me wonder and it hurts. I do have his passwords, its not because I NEED them, cause I believe everyone needs there own privacy, he told me his passwords just cause.
 
I’m not sure how old you are, but I always try to take age into account. There is a level of maturity that is not present in these comments.
I would say that the many young men will not overcome these types of comments until they are well into their 20s. Society tells us that it is ok to view women as objects… (which leads into a bunch of other things that I won’t get into here.)

Anyways, I would be interested in hearing what you said to him in response to these incidents-- I know that most guys don’t realize that what they are doing can be offensive.

On another note, I think it should be mentioned that all men will assess whether or not they find a woman attractive–this is not a sin. It becomes a sin when that assessment becomes an obsession or turns that woman into an object of lust.

With all that said, I would say that if you truly cannot see your bf stopping this kind of behavior, I would tell you that you need to move on (especially since this issue seems to repeat itself).
 
*Two words to remember…don’t settle. And what that means isn’t…superficial stuff, like how a person eats or something haha But, rather don’t settle for someone treating you with no respect…lying to you over and over…turning to other women…telling you what you want to hear, but doing another…etc…

Maybe I was just overly picky looking back during my dating years. BUT, I speak from experience too, stefina. I settled for a short time for a guy who ugh, treated me horribly. Was verbally abusive, and just didn’t show me the proper respect. One day I woke up and said…’“I am so tired of feeling bad, why am I doing this to myself?”’

And I ended it with him. It took me a while to forgive him, but I eventually did…but from a distance. Sometimes, we get involved with people who change…or who weren’t who they said they were from the beginning. Sometimes, we have to let someone go, to grow.

I will keep you in my prayers…follow what God has planned for you and you won’t go wrong. :o*
 
stefina said:
we “we’re” serious… I plan on talking to him about this when he gets home from work in about an hour… we are both in our 20’s… and yes marriage was something we were heading towards, as well with saving sex for marriage. I do undestand what he did was in the past and chances ae he went to confession for it, but it still makes me wonder and it hurts. I do have his passwords, its not because I NEED them, cause I believe everyone needs there own privacy, he told me his passwords just cause.
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At this age I would bet that his friends have similar tendencies… See if that has any influence over him and bring that up in discussion.
 
thank you whatevergirl, and everyone else… I am just so hurt and I dont understand why this is happening, like I am VERY confused. I didnt see this coming, because other than this, he treats me very well, all my other ex’s have treatly me horriably and were very rude and mean to me. We have been thru so very much and I even feel like without him in my life I would be very alone cause I saw my future with him, I just dont know.
 
*I agree to an extent with what musicality is saying…if he proves to you that he isn’t willing to change, it would be best to move on.

My advice stands though for anyone dating in general…don’t settle for people treating you badly. *
 
stefina said:
thank you whatevergirl, and everyone else… I am just so hurt and I dont understand why this is happening, like I am VERY confused. I didnt see this coming, because other than this, he treats me very well, all my other ex’s have treatly me horriably and were very rude and mean to me. We have been thru so very much and I even feel like without him in my life I would be very alone cause I saw my future with him, I just dont know.
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*You don’t have to make a rash decision tonight or anything…maybe take a break, think things through…pray about things. Listen for God’s voice in this. And make sure you stay with him for the right reasons, not because you fear being alone. Many of us have been there, and I know women who are my age, (40) who are still staying in relationships they should have left long ago, because they are afraid of being alone. :o

I hope things get better. *
 
I would just like to add that if you have some friends who you feel you can talk with about this (objectively) I would do so because they may have a better perspective on the complexities of your relationship. I would also caution you that any advice you receive, from me, other posters, friends, family should all be taken with a grain of salt–this is your relationship, and you set the standards that you expect (and that God expects).

The (name removed by moderator)ut that anyone gives you should broaden your perspective, not restrict it.
So, my only other advice is to pray about this, and do what you honestly think is best! 👍
 
I understand what you mean about staying with him for the reason to not be alone, I dont exactly feel that I’d be alone forever without him, but saying that I truely felt like I was meant to spend the rest of my life with my boyfriend. I think this is going to take awhile and I really need tot think about this… and without a doubt he will know that this hurts me, very much. I think this is something I need to go to a priest too aswell.
 
stefina said:
I understand what you mean about staying with him for the reason to not be alone, I dont exactly feel that I’d be alone forever without him, but saying that I truely felt like I was meant to spend the rest of my life with my boyfriend. I think this is going to take awhile and I really need tot think about this… and without a doubt he will know that this hurts me, very much. I think this is something I need to go to a priest too aswell.
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I think that would be a great idea. Prayers for you, stefina. I’m sorry that you’re hurting. 😦
 
stefina said:
I understand what you mean about staying with him for the reason to not be alone, I dont exactly feel that I’d be alone forever without him, but saying that I truely felt like I was meant to spend the rest of my life with my boyfriend. I think this is going to take awhile and I really need tot think about this… and without a doubt he will know that this hurts me, very much. I think this is something I need to go to a priest too aswell.
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My prayers are also with you, Stefina. Seeking the advice of a priest is always a good idea.

One final thought from me: If it is meant to be, it will be. 🙂 Praying for you, your BF, and your relationship. :crossrc:
 
stefina said:
thank you whatevergirl, and everyone else… I am just so hurt and I dont understand why this is happening, like I am VERY confused. I didnt see this coming, because other than this, he treats me very well, all my other ex’s have treatly me horriably and were very rude and mean to me. We have been thru so very much and I even feel like without him in my life I would be very alone cause I saw my future with him, I just dont know.
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So because your exs were all mean and atrocious, this guy looks soo much better? There is better and then there is Godly and holy. Seek a holy man. Please. Then I will not have to tell my achingly single male acqaintances that the reason they are single is because women do not want them.
 
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