Lutheran-Catholic Marriage - Advice for raising a family

[genealogist]

I appreciate that you are giving this so much thought and willing to post here. I am married to a Presbyterian woman for almost 15 years. We struggled for many years because I thought we could be active in both churches. Finally I realized that she had to want to do it.

Our kids were baptized as ecumenically as possible. The 1993 Guidelines are not canon law but they do allow more than is commonly believed. The Presbyterian pastor has been a factor is each baptism offering a reading or a prayer. Some of the rubrics in the Catholic rite say these or other appropriate words. We chose words from the Presbyterian ceremony where we were allowed.

My wife is now semi-active with her mother’s group at her congregation. My role there has greatly decreased. I will go when she wants to. We have not been in almost a year for worship. She is coming to Mass almost weekly with me and the kids now.

Your husband could serve as a Christian witness along with a LCMS member at your future niece’s/nephews’ baptisms. There must be a sponsor from the LCMS or he can’t witness.

You are both Christians and you need to highlight the common areas of faith and not trivialize the differences. Trying to create a routine now before children is a better idea.

Mommy not going to Communion is not an issue in our family for whatever reason. She does not actively try to receive Communion at her own church the 6 times a year they celebrate the Lord’s Supper. Even this coming Sunday being Worldwide Communion Sunday will likely not draw her to her church. The kids have never mentioned it.

 

[vrb]

Hi,
I am in the same situation. I am Catholic and my husband attends a non-denominational church. We also agreed how the kids would be raised and then all of the sudden the agreements were no longer valid and partly because at first my husband wasn’t a praticing Christian. Now he is more involed in attending service and reading the bible, etc.

I did baptize our children in the Catholic faith (he did not attend). I know it is very hard but you both will either have to compromise, someone will have to convert, or sorry to say the marriage will end.

Even though our compromise if not final. So far I agreed to attend his church every other weekend but he will not attend mine. When I go to mass the children will come with me. It kind of seems like I’m the only one compromsing. Not only am I teach my sons the Catholic faith but they attend Catholic school which by the way my husband was fine with. I pray everyday for our situation and I will pray for yours.

God Bless,
vrb

 

[rocketrob]

My wife and I lived out an interfaith marriage for many years. I was a protestant, and she was a Catholic. We were able to maintain our separate faiths and attended each other’s church; however, our marriage and our participation in the respective church communities were not as complete as they could have been had we been of a single faith tradition.

We were alright with this arrangement until we had our first child. With the birth of our first child, we realized that the best chance we could give her of spiritually surviving in today’s world was to practice a unified faith within our household. I realize not everyone will be able to make this same choice, but unfortunately children in an interfaith marriage is the one area in which someone is going to have to compromise. There’s just no way around that. And by the way, I never had to make any promises about how my children would be raised. Reconciling that issue rests squarely on the shoulders of the Catholic parent.

The main reason I wanted to post here was to say that I was once like many of the protestants posting on this forum, and this thread. There was no way I would ever become a Catholic, and I had serious questions about the Catholic faith. However, one day I realized that God had brought me into this marriage and that I had made a committment to love my wife. As part of that committment, it seemed entirely reasonable (actually necessary) that I at least become informed about the faith that my wife practiced. After all, to know and love God is THE reason we were all created…its the meaning of life. I owed it to my wife to at least know what the Catholic Church actually teaches and believes.

To this end, I would recommend starting with the following book, which is written in a conscise and non-confrontational manner:
amazon.com/Catholic-Christian-Explanation-Commonly-Misunderstood/dp/0867165995/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1223617733&sr=8-1

From reading it, I realized that most of my animosity, distrust, etc, of the Catholic faith was based on my own misconception of what it actually teaches. In addition, I could not find a single Catholic doctrine that actually contradicted scripture, once I fully understood what was being said or taught. Finally, I realized that the reason the Catholic Church seemed so inflexible in some areas was primarily due to the importance placed on those items…which usually involved sacraments (a concept that is hard for a protestant to fully appreciate).

In addition, the idea of attending an RCIA course is not really so crazy. It would be very informative, there is no obligation (other than to be respectful), and you can quit attending when the rest of the class begins participating in certain rites…usually after the first of the year in a given program.

Eventually, I did convert to the Catholic faith and I’ve never regretted it. I realize many protestant spouses will not be able to take this step. However, I believe if you really understand the faith of your Catholic spouse it will help eliminate a lot of the frustration and confusion that might be present in your marriage relationship. You will certainly have greater respect for your spouse and the faith that they practice.

One final note regarding prior comments about the age at which Catholic children receive their first Eucharist…I think the concern about this is based on the fact that first communion is often tied to confirmation in protestant faith traditions. Catholic children are also confirmed at an older age…8th or 9th grade. It is in the sacrament of confirmation that Catholics personally affirm the promises and committments that their parents made on their behalf at baptism. In this regard, Catholic and protestant confirmation are similar.

Sincerely,
rocketrob

 

[crowtherkidsmom]

My husband was Lutheran when we married and I was Catholic. We both grew in our faith after marriage and each compromised.

Before I got married and during our marriage prep, I was not adequately prepared for the difficulties that would arise. Honestly, be prepared to re-live through the Reformation. During the Reformation both Lutherans and Catholics behaved badly at times–don’t do that! Be careful because history wants to repeat itself.

Some suggestions:

Christ: Always remember, you share your faith in Christ in common. You are both Christianity. You both must strive to always behave as Christians, especially towards each other.

Family Prayer: Pray together. And make the Sign of the Cross. Lutherans use the Sign of the Cross in worship, and it’s a Trinitarian prayer. Don’t be afraid to pray in the name of the Trinity during your family prayers.

Communion: Lutherans and Catholics vary a bit in the terminology, but our theology on the Eucharist is very similar. (Most Catholics don’t realize that.) Like most Missouri Synod Lutherans, the Catholic Church has “closed Communion.” If that presents a problem for you, speak to the priest at your husband’s parish. Occassionally, a bishop will grant dispensations to non-Catholic Christians who recognize Jesus in the Blessed Sacrament if there is a serious reason.

Mary and Martin: Martin Luther had a view of Mary much closer to Catholics than many Protestants realize. If you aren’t very familiar with Martin Luther’s writings, it might be a good time to learn your faith.

Sunday: Catholics are expected to attend Mass every Sunday. It’s not considered optional. Don’t take it personal if your husband doesn’t want to go to yours. If your husband is becoming serious about his Catholic faith, he probably knows he needs to go to Mass. Catholic parishes usually offer numerous Mass times, so you husband can fulfill his Sunday obligation Saturday night or Sunday evening if he wishes to attend service with you on occassion. I would suggest you also occassionally attend with him.

Children: This gets more complicated. Catholics are expected to raise their children Catholic. Connected with the issue of children is the issue of birth control. You might try reading Martin Luther’s sermons on Onan in Genesis.

God bless you for asking this question on a Catholic forum.

GardensWithKids, thank you so much for your kind, loving words to others.

In my case, it is one of my children that is becoming more interested in the Catholic faith. Both himself and myself were baptized in the Lutheran Church. My children are attending a Catholic School, as this is the only school in our area that allows for the Word of God to spoken during the school day.

As a Lutheran, I have always done the sign of the cross before and after praying and fully support my son doing the same during prayer. My son has started to ask to be taken to Mass where his friends are… I am fully supporting my son in this, because I would rather he hear the Word of God as written in the Bible, rather than to step away from his faith all together. I often attend the Mass with him and have found that basically the entire Mass is very similar (if not exact) to the Divine Service that we celebrate in the Lutheran Church. Looking through the Missal for 2010, I noted that the weekly readings are exactly the same as the reading for the Lutheran Church for this year. I have been made to feel almost completely comfortable in Mass as I am in Sunday Service at my Lutheran Church.

What many don’t seem to understand here is that “one holy Catholic and Apostolic Church” does not literally mean Catholicism, but that Catholic simply means “all Christians that hold to the belief of the Trinity”.
Blessings.

Jamie

 

[LongingForLight]

My sister and her husband are struggling with this now as well. They were married with him non-practicing Christian, her practicing Catholic. Their family has been Catholic, and her husband’s faith has gradually become more important to him - but the local Catholic church isn’t terribly child-friendly and feels “dead” to them (I know what she means - sometimes you just walk into a parish and you know). Other parishes nearby have been through major scandals or have other serious problems. However, her husband found a Lutheran parish that is very alive, and his faith has been strongly rekindled (quite possibly the same type of Lutheran, from what you and she are saying). Although my sister doesn’t want an inter-faith marriage, she also does want a husband who is on fire for Jesus and God, and who seeks a stronger faith actively. She has decided that an actively Christian husband is more important than a single-faith family - a very reasonable decision, IMO, but not an easy one to live with.

Anyways, I’d love to see more ideas as well, since she has asked me for advice. It sounds difficult, but “with God all things are possible.” Right now, they will be attending at the Lutheran church most weeks and Catholic Mass once or twice a month, but she is still hoping that the children will receive Catholic sacraments and be raised Catholic. I am encouraging her not to comprimise on weekly Mass attendence for herself and the children who have received First Communion, but she doesn’t seem to feel up to it I can understand . . . doing that AND attending Lutheran services as a family is a lot. But I do wish she’d try, I really think it’s worth the sacrifice. Still, I am glad her husband is seeking an active faith life - hopefully it will eventually lead back to the Catholic church!

They’d love prayers, BTW, if anyone reading this is inclined to offer any for them.

 

[Kindness]

From what I understand it was St. Pius X who lowered the age of First Holy Communion to the age of reason of 7/8 from about 13/14. He had such a great love and devotion to the Body and Blood of Christ he made sure the sacrament was made available more readily to all Catholics.

One way I might suggest you could combine your faith traditions is through celebrating and observing the liturgical year. I’m sure this could be especially helpful once you have children. Every time I look for internet resources on say Advent traditions such as The Jesse Tree and the O Antiphons I find Lutheran sites with exactly the same resources. Advent is a good example, you can have an Advent wreath which you light each night during family devotions, advent calendars, scripture readings and prayers leading us through Advent a crib and Nativity scene etc. We also celebrate St. Nicholas on the 6th December, St. Lucia on the 13th (I don’t know if Lutherans observe the feasts of the Saints) and of course the feast of the Immaculate Conception on the 8th Dec and Our Lady of Guadalupe on the 12th are very Catholic.

Perhaps you could look for Lutheran books on celebrating the liturgical year and compare them with Catholic ones and see where the two converge and what you would enjoy/feel comfortable celebrating. These are traditions you can start celebrating with your spouse that would become part of your family observances once you are blessed with children.

A Catholic site I would recommend as comparison is www.Domestic-Church.com

God bless all who love and serve Jesus!

 

[BunnyLover]

Sorry that this thread is totally old and I’m commenting on it out of the blue. I’m a Catholic recently engaged to a Lutheran, and was wondering if anyone started up that club yet?

Hee hee. Anyway, yes, some posters are less pleasant to read than others but they way I look at it, on the whole of the internet this forum has the best posters overall. If we want to be a beacon, then we are. I know it’s only “compared to the rest of the internet” but we aren’t claiming to be perfect!

I am really glad I read this posting. My fiance has no spirituality, even though he says he wants some. I would be devastated if he rediscovered his Lutheran faith after our wedding. I think this has inspired me to learn more about the religion he was brought up with. It was kind of a done deal before I checked this out, but it is true that he can change later on and I will still have to love him.

 

[SuperLuigi]

Catholic parents are bound by obligation to raise their children in the Catholic faith.

 

[MJJean]

Sorry that this thread is totally old and I’m commenting on it out of the blue. I’m a Catholic recently engaged to a Lutheran, and was wondering if anyone started up that club yet?

Hee hee. Anyway, yes, some posters are less pleasant to read than others but they way I look at it, on the whole of the internet this forum has the best posters overall. If we want to be a beacon, then we are. I know it’s only “compared to the rest of the internet” but we aren’t claiming to be perfect!

I am really glad I read this posting. My fiance has no spirituality, even though he says he wants some. I would be devastated if he rediscovered his Lutheran faith after our wedding. I think this has inspired me to learn more about the religion he was brought up with. It was kind of a done deal before I checked this out, but it is true that he can change later on and I will still have to love him.

The faith we are raised in as children does tend to come back for us as adults. My husband reverted to Catholicism, his childhood faith, this past Spring after over 10 years of marriage to me and 20 years of rejecting Christianity. If you marry and your husband does revert to his childhood faith it won’t be the end of the world. You just have to respect his faith as you want him to respect yours.

I was raised Lutheran and then became Pagan, Atheist, and Agnostic. Husband was Pagan when we met, then Atheist and Agnostic. We realized we we missing spirituality in our lives and the DH decided to attend Mass for the first time since he was a teen. I, searching for spirituality of my own, got curious and went to Mass Penetcost Sunday. Turns out, the Catholic Church suited me just fine. Felt like home. So, I am in the process of converting.

People who have known me for years are somewhat shocked. I am living proof that ya never know. If your fiance is seeking spirituality he may just find that Catholicism suits him. Ya never know!

 

[BunnyLover]

If you marry and your husband does revert to his childhood faith it won’t be the end of the world. You just have to respect his faith as you want him to respect yours.
People who have known me for years are somewhat shocked. I am living proof that ya never know. If your fiance is seeking spirituality he may just find that Catholicism suits him. Ya never know!

Thanks MJ. I totally respect him, I just can understand how it happening within a few years of the wedding might be jarring. (Like, we are spending a year coming up with rules and expectations for the marriage.) It’s common sense that things will change but still, people don’t expect certain changes. But I know now to be learn about it and whatever happens, I’ll be more prepared tomorrow than I would have been today.

 

[dianeusa]

I am a practicing Catholic married to a Lutheran 28 years. We have 2 children, 23, 19.

When I was married, we were married in my church, did the pre-cana classes and my Lutheran husband had to sign he would raise my children Catholic. That is exactly what happened. I must say, he was not as devout in his faith as I was at the time so he figured, it was Christian and close enough. It just worked in my favor.

I must say however, it does make it harder to raise children without both parents on the same page. While he has been very good about everything, he goes to mass with us most times, there is still a division within. It saddens me but I know I am lucky enough to have what I have. Yes, I would have loved for him to convert but he did not ever want to do that. In fact most people think he is Catholic. He take communion on his own which I know is not supposed to happen but the way I look at it, that is between he and God and who am I to say…so I don’t and he goes. He is also a recovering alcoholic and that is where I learned that you can not control another individual’s actions, he’s a grown man and I can’t sit on him!!

Anyway, back to the discussion at hand, I don’t think children can be shown both faiths, it is too confusing for them. They need to be guided in just one. This should definitely be decided before they are born because only turmoil will set in. Religion is a tough call when 2 faiths are involved. It is sad but it is the children that suffer if this very important part of life is not worked out prior to having them.

 

[MJJean]

Thanks MJ. I totally respect him, I just can understand how it happening within a few years of the wedding might be jarring. (Like, we are spending a year coming up with rules and expectations for the marriage.) It’s common sense that things will change but still, people don’t expect certain changes. But I know now to be learn about it and whatever happens, I’ll be more prepared tomorrow than I would have been today.

With marriage and having kids the only rules should be keep the vows and expect the unexpected, lol!

When my DH came to me and said he was trying to find a way to spend time alone with his dad while his dad was visiting and that he was thinking about going to Mass with him I was a bit surprised. But I never thought he would revert, I was just surprised he would step foot in a church.

When he came to me and said he was going to continue attending Mass I was stunned! Of course, I worried about what this would mean for our marriage and all that. I even wondered how well I knew my husband. I mean, we’d been together for nearly 13 years and married for 10. He’d always been vehemently anti-Christianity, but now he’s going to be Catholic?!?! Whaaa? Then I started wondering if his newly rediscovered faith would pull us apart because he would change so much that we’d have little in common anymore. On and on.

Turns out, nothing in his core personality changed and the changes in habits and way of seeing things was all for the better. Plus, I got to look into Catholicism and discuss what I learned with him. We started watching Catholic lectures and documentaries on Youtube and had many lively debates and discussions about those, too.

A couple years ago, my husband brought home brochures of sports cars after years of hating sports cars. The new designs really appealed to him. He decided against buying one because he is a professional truck driver and feared what owning a sports car would do to his driving record.

A few weeks ago I told him I was making his favorite meal for dinner and he told me he wasn’t that fond of that meal anymore. After years of begging for it!

A lot of his clothing and grooming products preferences changed, too. Different colors and materials in clothes. A body wash instead of skin drying soap.

Husbands are strange creatures. They often keep you on your toes. Which is good! If you have a strong relationship, good communication, and are really committed to the marriage and each other then changes large and small add some spice to life. It’s easy to get bored. If you keep growing and evolving as people and as a couple you don’t get bored and always have something to talk about.