Lying About Sexual History

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bcshorts

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I have a serious question that has been playing on my mind recently. Over the past weekend, I was having a conversation with my girlfriend of two years about our previous relationship history, which led toward our sexual history. (It is likely an important fact that we are very serious and, although not yet engaged, are heading in that direction.) Neither of us has had sex, but I have gone farther in the past than she has. Unfortunately, as we were talking, I lied about some of the things that I had done, saying that I hadn’t done them. Needless to say, I not only regret doing those things but also regret lying to her about them. Although these things have come up in the past in brief circumstances and I have also said I hadn’t done certain things when I had, this was different in the sense that it was a sincere conversation in which I lied to her face. None of the lying was premeditated, but I also cannot say for certain that I would not do it again.

I suppose I lied for several reasons, such as not wanting to hurt her, not wanting her to think less of me, etc. The guilt of the lie has been considerable since the conversation. I know that I must seek absolution in confession, which I plan to do. However, I am unsure about how to proceed otherwise. I feel very guilty about not telling her the truth, but that act has already been committed. I guess I am wondering if it is necessary, suggested, or unnecessary to confront her about it and tell her the turth. I have no idea if the topic would ever come up again on its own, but I obviously wouldn’t want to lie to her again about it. I guess I am just looking for some advice or guidance about what I should do. Thanks so much.
 
I think the priest in the Confessional will be better equipped to give you sage advice than any of us here.

Nonetheless, if it were me, I could not imagine not coming clean about the lie. It’s one thing not to talk about it. Some couples decide that they don’t want to know the gory details of their beloved’s physical past. That’s fine and I agree that too much detail can be harmful. But to flat out lie about it is something different.

I know you feel bad enough about it already and I’m honestly not trying to add to your guilt. I completely understand where you’re coming from and cannot say that I wouldn’t have done the same thing in your situation. I just know that, for me, I couldn’t be at peace knowing how I misled the woman I love.

Of course, the other side of that coin is that, sometimes, it can be selfish of us to “come clean” merely to assuage our own consciences rather than out of sincere respect for the other. This is where the counsel of a good Confessor would be helpful (not to mention, time in prayer). Once you put it out there, you cannot take it back. So you want to make sure you’re doing what is right for all involved.
 
bcshorts said:
I have a serious question that has been playing on my mind recently. Over the past weekend, I was having a conversation with my girlfriend of two years about our previous relationship history, which led toward our sexual history. (It is likely an important fact that we are very serious and, although not yet engaged, are heading in that direction.) Neither of us has had sex, but I have gone farther in the past than she has. Unfortunately, as we were talking, I lied about some of the things that I had done, saying that I hadn’t done them. Needless to say, I not only regret doing those things but also regret lying to her about them. Although these things have come up in the past in brief circumstances and I have also said I hadn’t done certain things when I had, this was different in the sense that it was a sincere conversation in which I lied to her face. None of the lying was premeditated, but I also cannot say for certain that I would not do it again.

I suppose I lied for several reasons, such as not wanting to hurt her, not wanting her to think less of me, etc. The guilt of the lie has been considerable since the conversation. I know that I must seek absolution in confession, which I plan to do. However, I am unsure about how to proceed otherwise. I feel very guilty about not telling her the truth, but that act has already been committed. I guess I am wondering if it is necessary, suggested, or unnecessary to confront her about it and tell her the turth. I have no idea if the topic would ever come up again on its own, but I obviously wouldn’t want to lie to her again about it. I guess I am just looking for some advice or guidance about what I should do. Thanks so much.
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Honestly, I don’t think she needs to know. It is something that happened in the past, you deeply regret doing it, and I assume you’ve gone to confession for it.

She doesn’t need to know specific, private details of what you did in the past with other girls. You’re still a virgin, and that’s all she really needs to know. No need to go into detail with her. It will only hurt her and make her feel less confident. If you’ve confessed it, God has taken away that sin… so it’s as though you’ve never done it in the first place. It’s in the past, and it’s best to leave it that way.
 
Hi bcshorts!

That’s a tough one.

On the one hand, sometimes its appropriate to not reveal things about our past. Sometimes it can be hurtful to the people we love and it is best left unknown. However, on the flip side of things, it’s not really out of line for you girlfriend to know the truth if she wants to. I mean if I’m considering marrying someone, I’d want to know their past so I’d get a better idea of who they are and where they are coming from.

In any case, I think what Joe said is a good idea. You should talk to a priest and follow his advice. I don’t think we’ll be able to give you a concrete answer.
 
bcshorts said:
I have a serious question that has been playing on my mind recently. Over the past weekend, I was having a conversation with my girlfriend of two years about our previous relationship history, which led toward our sexual history. (It is likely an important fact that we are very serious and, although not yet engaged, are heading in that direction.) Neither of us has had sex, but I have gone farther in the past than she has. Unfortunately, as we were talking, I lied about some of the things that I had done, saying that I hadn’t done them. Needless to say, I not only regret doing those things but also regret lying to her about them. Although these things have come up in the past in brief circumstances and I have also said I hadn’t done certain things when I had, this was different in the sense that it was a sincere conversation in which I lied to her face. None of the lying was premeditated, but I also cannot say for certain that I would not do it again.

I suppose I lied for several reasons, such as not wanting to hurt her, not wanting her to think less of me, etc. The guilt of the lie has been considerable since the conversation. I know that I must seek absolution in confession, which I plan to do. However, I am unsure about how to proceed otherwise. I feel very guilty about not telling her the truth, but that act has already been committed. I guess I am wondering if it is necessary, suggested, or unnecessary to confront her about it and tell her the truth. I have no idea if the topic would ever come up again on its own, but I obviously wouldn’t want to lie to her again about it. I guess I am just looking for some advice or guidance about what I should do. Thanks so much.
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I would not advise you to have these sorts of conversations. It is fine to be honest to a certain degree, but to maintain your privacy about some things you have done. You have taken those sins into confession and have been absolved, I hope? Then those sins are finished with. If you regret your previous choices and would not make those choices again, that is all you need to do. If your girlfriend wants to get into specifics, I would tell her, “I feel that it will not help our relationship to tell you all those details.”

Just my opinion, you should also talk to you priest about this.
 
If this conversation did not happen too long ago, it might be appropriate to revisit it. Say something to the effect that I was feeling scared, and want to give an accurate description of your sexual past. You could then give her the option about whether to go into the “gory details” as another poster described it.

If your heading towards engagement, she has a right to know about anything that could have spread disease, and any sexual habits that could complicate marital life. You have broad discretion as to how much detail needs to be revealed and what at what stage in the relationship to be revealed, but this is the minimum.
 
While I generally agree with the PPs that these conversations should not include all the “gory details” of your past experiences, you need to come clean with your GF about the fact that you lied to her. Lying hurts the trust that couples have in their relationships. You have now given her a false impression of who you are, so she is not in love with you; she’s in love with who she thinks you are. There have been other threads on CAF about men and women who find out years later that their spouse had lied about their sexual past before they got married, and even YEARS later, when the truth came out, they were shocked and extremely hurt. And their marriages suffered. Do not give your GF the opportunity to become one of those shocked and extremely hurt wives. If you come clean to her now, she will be hurt and maybe shocked. She may lose her trust for you, which is well deserved. She may ask for details, which you don’t need to give her (other than potentially disease-transmitting sins, of course). Do not enter marriage with this girl if she does not truly know you, and if you are lying to her, then she does not truly know you. She does not need to know about all your sins, but she needs to know that you have lied to her on multiple occasions in the past, and that you will likely do it again. I guarantee that fact will hurt her more than your past sexual sins.

Actually, after re-reading your OP, I think you have some serious soul searching and growing up to do before you even consider marriage. I’m trying not to sound uncharitable here, but trust is so so SO important in a serious relationship that’s heading toward marriage. Once upon a time I was in love with a guy who routinely lied to me, and we dreamed of marriage together. It wasn’t until later that I realized many of his lies, and although I was devastated when we broke up, I am so thankful that I didn’t end up married to him. I shudder to think what a cross that marriage would have been for me.
 
I would suggest talking to her about it again, after you do some own soul searching on why you thought you needed to lie to her in the first place. Are you afraid your GF won’t accept you if she knew the truth? Have you put yourself in her position, say she was the one who lied, how would you feel if she never corrected the lie?

Do you have to reveal ALL the details? No, but the lying part would greatly trouble me if I was considering marriage. Spouses need to be honest with each other, and know that the other person is not going to judge them for things that took place before they met each other. If you can’t have this kind of talk with your girlfriend, maybe you need to ask yourself why you can’t.
 
I would just come clean. Tell her “the other day when we were discussing our sexual histories I was caught off guard and too ashamed to tell you the truth. I’m sorry. The reality is that I have partaken in some sexual activity with other people in the past, but not intercourse”.

The end. Don’t dwell on it overmuch.
 
Debora123 said:
Honestly, I don’t think she needs to know. It is something that happened in the past, you deeply regret doing it, and I assume you’ve gone to confession for it.

She doesn’t need to know specific, private details of what you did in the past with other girls. You’re still a virgin, and that’s all she really needs to know. No need to go into detail with her. It will only hurt her and make her feel less confident. If you’ve confessed it, God has taken away that sin… so it’s as though you’ve never done it in the first place. It’s in the past, and it’s best to leave it that way.
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I have to disagree. If she specifically asked about a certain sexual issue then as her future spouse it is best to come clean…not necessarily in full detail, but at least let her know that he isn’t perfect and that he fell into temptation. To continue to lie to her will come back to haunt him at some point or another. If I had asked my future spouse about something of this nature and later found out he lied to me about it, I would begin to question what else he has lied to me about…Just my opinion though
 
Personally, I would come clean about it. I’d recommend stating that you were ashamed about certain things, and want to apologize for hiding/lying about them. A relationship based on honestly is a relationship that will last.
 
Warrior1979 said:
Personally, I would come clean about it. I’d recommend stating that you were ashamed about certain things, and want to apologize for hiding/lying about them. A relationship based on honestly is a relationship that will last.
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I think this is all you need to do. Your relationship hopefully isn’t one where an one awkward conversation about an awkward topic will destroy it. Your girlfriend should likely understand, and hopefully appreciate your sense of shame about your past.
 
Build honest and trust.

She can get over stuff you did, but much harder is to rebuild trust. Work on it now, and it will be easier later.

It’s not “just this fault now, and I’ll be better later”, but “let me make this sacrifice now, and I’ll deal with the future later”.
 
It is OK to allow someone else expose their sexual past, because they feel a need to talk about it, while choosing to keep your own private. Certainly therapists do it all of the time.

Next time, if you don’t want to talk about it, don’t. If you want to tell her that you weren’t entirely forthcoming about your sexual past because you didn’t know how to just say you didn’t want to talk about it, then do that. Don’t feel a need to tell her exactly what it was that you omitted. You do not owe her a full disclosure, only the admission that there were things you said you didn’t do that were in fact things you did not want to disclose…things that you still have no intention of disclosing. Feel free to stick to your guns on that one. Do tell her that you feel honored that she feels she can confide in you, and that there is nothing she could tell you that will make you think less of her. This ought to be a matter of one’s personal need for privacy, not a matter of pride.

When it becomes clear that she is the one who has come along who has a right to this information, because she needs it in order to decide if she wants to marry you, then tell her if she wants to hear it. Otherwise, you may confess what was wrong and forget it ever happened. (I am assuming, of course, that you don’t have to remember a similar transgression on your own part in order to be compassionate towards someone who has committed a particular sin!!)
 
If I were your girlfriend I would want to always be able to trust you. Finding out something about you lying to me would hurt me more than the truth about your past.

You would not want to enter a relationship where you can’t trust her for her ability to receive you as you are. She would not want to enter a relationship where she can’t trust you. Relationship needs trust. If you guys can’t go on with this issue then let it be over early. However, I do think that this issue will grow your trust towards her (that you can tell her the truth about yourself without being worry that she would leave you), and her trust towards you (because you show that you try to tell her the truth about yourself). If you guys can past this, it will grow the relationship instead of bring it down.

If she can’t accept the fact about yourself, then it is good for the two of you know about it, so that both of you do not need to stay in a prolong “fake” relationship (fake relationship= relationship without no trusting each other). There are many married couples have trust issues. It is rather too late for them. They just have to deal with it everyday in never-ending disputes and quarrels…

If you go to a confession room and confess an action as a sin, then it is an oxymoron to omit the chance to correct it when you have all the time, opportunities, and ability to do so.
 
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