Lying boyfriend--what to do?

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w2bp88

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What do you do with a boyfriend who claims to be changed but he keeps lying. When he does confess he lies in his lies and tells you about it later? Every time he tells you it’s the last time and there is nothing else and then he has more lies to tell you about?

I want to give him the benefit of the doubt and I do love him but I can only take so much hurt. I can only forgive so many times. Any suggestions? 😦
 
You dump him. The sooner the better. A lying BF makes a lying husband. You have the power to make it stop and it is called goodbye. I am sorry but there are so many GOOD fish in the sea. Catch another one.
 
*I agree with dakota…We are called however, to always forgive, but you can forgive, but not be his gf anymore.:o Forgiveness doesn’t mean staying in a bad situation. Forgiveness doesn’t mean tolerating chronic bad behavior. There are some people who have to hit bottom before they change. He might be one of them. Not sure what he’s lying about, but if it is continuous, and chronic…then, like dakota says…it will continue in marriage, if he doesn’t want to change.

Prayers for you…*
 
You Dump Him little dear. You said you want to give him the benefit of the doubt. But there is No Doubt. No Doubt, No Benefit.
If someone is a liar they don’t change and they get Worse. Really. Worse.
May God bless you and give you the courage to do what is best for yourself. What is best for you is also more pleasing to God.
You don’t want to risk a bad marriage, a divorce, a bad life, do you?
In Christ,
Agatina
 
How I empathise with you, w2bp88. You can’t change his behavior by sanctioning it.

He may love you dearly but he may have a disordered compulsion…which is not an excuse for his behavior, especially since you have pointed it out to him and explained its effects on you. The ball is in his court to change.

To continue with him only sets you up for continued verbal and emotional abuse.
 
Well it started when we broke up and got back together. I found out he had signed up on an adult dating website and I confronted him and he was just like well I don’t remember I didn’t do it. After he told me he was just trying to see if he knew anyone on it. Next he told me he had done things with other girls and his story did not make sense so I kept pressuring him about it. He told me I was crazy and that if I didn’t believe him it was my fault. I asked him to get an STD test and he told me he did. I asked for proof and I found out he was lying, he never got the tests until I asked for proof. When I confronted him, he told me I was crazy.

6 months later, today, he tells me he has something to tell me. It turns out he didn’t do things with other girls, he slept with his ex-girlfriend. He lied about his whole intricate story to cover him sleeping with his ex. He told me it happened in her apartment but 3 hours later he tells me he lied again and it was actually his apartment. The apartment he said was “ours” and the king bed he bought for “us”.

I asked him over and over that if he was lying to just tell me the truth so it could be finished with but he keeps lying and telling me its over, no more lies. I’m really at a loss because I see him crying and I know he wants to change but I can’t keep getting hurt. Especially when he puts my life at risk by sleeping with his ex and lying to me about getting tested. (At the time we had a physical relationship but we have stopped that.)

I want so much to forgive him and have him stop lying but I’m so lost and confused.
 
I forgot to add that he is my first love and we were engaged before the break up and have spoken about marriage in the future, which makes this so much harder.
 
I’m so sorry you’re going through this.
Yes, it is hard to find out that someone you love is not trustworthy. It would be so much easier just to forgive and forget, and let things go on as they are. And so much more painful in the end.
Just imagine marrying him, and you’re stuck at home with several small children to take care of, and he’s out all night, you don’t know where, and he lies when he comes home, or refuses to say anything. ., . the heartache then would be immeasurable compared to now.
Please run, do not walk, to the nearest exit. The longer you wait, the harder it is. Do not stay with someone who doesn’t deserve you. Wait for a man who loves and treats you with respect and honesty.
Don’t listen if he cries and pleads with you to stay. People don’t change overnight. Don’t do this to your future children.
 
I’m so sorry. I was married for many years to a habitual liar – the classic “he lies when the truth sounds better” kind of person. It was his way of manipulating me, of feeling powerful over me. It wasn’t even for his own gain or because he needed to do so, it was some kind of very sad power play. I loved him dearly, forgave and forgave in the name of love, and it wasn’t until I was out of the relationship that I saw how isolated I had been by it. Run now . . . pray for him, but run.
 
I am sorry that somewhere you have learned that this type of person is who you should date and relationship is normal.

Stand up for what you believe, only date practicing Catholic men. Leave the men of the world to their own devices.
 
As someone who got a degree for a paper on the benefit of doubt, I have but one suggestion for you: run.

Figuratively, of course. Don’t give in to panic reactions. 😉

You must realise that there are many people with problems in the world and you’ve just been involved with one. He sounds like he needs therapy but his actions as you describe them don’t seem to indicate that he wants to do anything about it, that he’s truly sorry for it etc.

So, leave him. And don’t move in with the new guy. One bad thing in moving in is that it makes it all the harder to leave.
 
What do you do about a boyfriend who repeatedly lies?

Make him an ex boyfriend.
 
I am so sorry for you but all the people who have responded to you are right.
While you stay with him he is making a fool of you.He knows you will let him
get away with anything from now onwards if you dont leave him.He will think its ok to do whatever he wants he knows you’ll throw a tantrum then forgive him and do it all over again.
The guy clearly has “issues”.I know you feel besotted with him you feel you love him,
remember you cant really love someone who treats you so unfairly.
He is lying to himself as well as you he needs to get psychiatric help.In the uk
you would visit your GP then get referred for counselling.I dont know where in the world
you are from but its free in UK.
Dont make the mistakes ive made and marry someone who is a habitual liar.
The therapist explained to me once some people lie so much and so often they actually
start to believe their own stories.
Its scary stuff honestly get out now.I know its painful but you will get over him I promise.
Hang with a different circle of friends, join a new club/group/organisation or do a new evening class.KEEP BUSY.Get involved in your parish are there any nice single catholic guys there?If not join a catholic dating site yourself make friends first etc
I will pray for you pray yourself for comfort and guidance from Tha Holy Spirit.

Dear Lord be with your daughter in her time of need and suffering
Guide her that she will have the wisdom to know what to do
and the strength to do what needs to be done.
Lord in Your Mercy,Hear Our Prayer
Amen
God Bless
 
As one of the other posters said, where there is doubt, there should be no benefit.

You speak of him as some kind of victim who needs forgiving and if you can see beyond your hurt and be patient… blah blah blah…

He is no victim. He isn’t helpless what comes out of his mouth and he is not some poor baby who suffers the most for his lies.

And you spending a lifetime trying to make him better won’t fix him. If you want to make a difference in someone’s life, join Big Sisters.

Look at him coldly and factually. He has nothing but contempt for you. He does not think you deserve the truth. He has so little respect for you that he will feed you lies about his lies.

Don’t even return his phone calls. Get yourself tested for STDS. Now. Do not put your health at stake on whether he has told you a lie about something so fundamental to your very existence.

Too many of us have suffered living with pathological liars. Someone like this can land YOU in jail for tax evasion at the very least.

Unless you want to spend the rest of your life wondering whether he’s really at work, or whether that woman who is looking at him is really a stranger, or whether that rash really is just allergies.

Thank your lucky stars that your “first love” is going to be your worst love. You’ve scraped bottom and it’s all uphill from here. Now you know what a liar looks like. You can avoid them for the rest of your life. Be glad you found out all the lies BEFORE you made permanent vows to him.

He’s a house on fire. Get out now before you go down with him! :mad:

And oh, by the way… the tears are manipulative. He’s not really sorry or he wouldn’t be lying still. The tears are just more lies. And when you confront him he’s already saying you’re crazy. Some of us had to be married a few years before we got that treatment.

Stay with him and you will be crazy in a few years. You won’t know what is true and what is false.

Remember Christ’s example before Pilate. “What is truth?” Ha. When you encounter a person who cannot even agree that there is a truth, even Christ didn’t engage in a debate with him. He remained silent. There are some people whom you cannot even have a conversation with. The person to whom truth is relative is one of them. The truth is whatever your BF says at the moment? What would Jesus do? He’d stop that conversation.
 
The first thing that popped into my mind was that episode of Friends “BUT WE WERE ON A BREAK!” If 2 people are not dating you have no control over what they do or don’t really…

But that’s not the point so don’t dwell on what happened with the ex…

The point is that he continues to lie to you… not just about one thing but multiple things.

It dose seem like most of the lies are all centered around this one incident though. When someone is really ashamed of something they tend to try and cover it up. Of course that is the problem with lying right? Usually one lie takes other lies to try to cover that up and make sense of the situation.

If all the lies truly do revert back to this single incident then you might consider try a little longer. We often lie not out of malice but rather out of weakness because we don’t know what to do, especially if we care for someone and don’t want them to get hurt. That being said you don’t want a husband who can’t fess up either, you would have to make that really clear with this guy.

You have to decide if that is the case with this person, are they generally honest except for this?

If he is lying to you about other things as well or can’t fully come clean on this… I’m in agreement with most of the other posters… dump him and move on. There are guys out there who don’t treat the ones they love like this - you deserve better!

Joe
 
So you’re saying that as long as he only lies in certain circumstances when he’s really really embarrassed, or really ashamed, or in a situation where he’s weak then she should overlook it?

No no no no no!

In any relationship that counts, we MOST need people to be honest in those circumstances when they look really bad, or they’re really embarrassed or ashamed or have been weak.

If you can’t count on the truth when it really matters, you can’t count on anything.

Her health rides on his integrity. Her heart and her sanity and her psychological well-being cannot be dependent on someone who tells her she’s the crazy one when she confronts him with his lies.

What does the bible say about people when there is “no truth in them.”

The only thing missing from this is him blaming her for making him lie. Though I guess eventually that will happen if she gives him many more chances.
 
jwashu said:
If all the lies truly do revert back to this single incident then you might consider try a little longer. We often lie not out of malice but rather out of weakness because we don’t know what to do, especially if we care for someone and don’t want them to get hurt.

Joe
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This is not what is happening with this couple. The danger sign in her story is that he has told her that she is crazy. This is a classic ploy of an emotional abuser. This man is a pathological liar and must be treated as if he is dangerous… he is emotionally dangerous and even could become physically dangerous. I was (civilly) married to a man like this and her story scares me.

Run away! Fast!
 
jwashu said:
It dose seem like most of the lies are all centered around this one incident though. When someone is really ashamed of something they tend to try and cover it up. Of course that is the problem with lying right? Usually one lie takes other lies to try to cover that up and make sense of the situation.

If all the lies truly do revert back to this single incident then you might consider try a little longer. We often lie not out of malice but rather out of weakness because we don’t know what to do, especially if we care for someone and don’t want them to get hurt. That being said you don’t want a husband who can’t fess up either, you would have to make that really clear with this guy.
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It’s funny that you mention that because that’s what he said to me. All of his lies, besides the adult website which he said he denied so I wouldn’t think he was into that, revolved around this one issue. He said he was scared to tell me because he wanted so much for our relationship to be better and he was scared that if he told me it would be the end of us. I can sympathize with him because I know how scary it can feel when you have something you are holding and you really want to confess it to that person and you know you are wrong but you don’t want to mess things up.

For now, I’m going to think and pray and see what happens. I am going to take things slow, one day at a time, and wait to see if he changes before I give up completely.

Thank you all for your advice. This is a really difficult time for me and I hope to get through it stronger than I was before.
 
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