Lying boyfriend--what to do?

[mom24boys]

I am going to take things slow, one day at a time, and wait to see if he changes before I give up completely.

Oh, please don’t wait to see if he changes. He won’t. I promise you. This is the biggest mistake women make… thinking a man will change. People are who they are. Move on and save yourself, please.

 

[Liberanosamalo]

It’s funny that you mention that because that’s what he said to me. All of his lies, besides the adult website which he said he denied so I wouldn’t think he was into that, revolved around this one issue. He said he was scared to tell me because he wanted so much for our relationship to be better and he was scared that if he told me it would be the end of us. I can sympathize with him because I know how scary it can feel when you have something you are holding and you really want to confess it to that person and you know you are wrong but you don’t want to mess things up.

For now, I’m going to think and pray and see what happens. I am going to take things slow, one day at a time, and wait to see if he changes before I give up completely.

If I could have my life to do over, I’d avoid the tendency to ignore the 99% of people who told me what I needed to hear and instead I listened to the 1 person who told me what I wanted to hear.

Congratulations on moving forward with a relationship based on fear and lies. He lies to keep your relationship going because you are too afraid to go out there and find out what it’s like to be with someone who is trustworthy. Oh, so it’s okay if you only lie about sex? That’s the one area you’re giving him permission to lie about? Now that it’s okay, and you know he lies, and he knows he lies and you let him get away with it, how soon till the next time?

And you have a boyfriend that thinks lying to you makes your relationship better. Yep. As long as you don’t examine his behavior too closely, you can pretend it’s much better.

Instead of being angry at him and seeing a complete lack of integrity concerning one of the most central areas of your relationship as a bad thing, you are going to overlook that because you, by your own admission, will also hold back the truth so as not to upset the applecart.

This is how you live a lie. You ignore the obvious because the winds of truth might blow your flimsy world over. You live in fear that the light of truth might be a little bit much if it shines into the dark places in your relationship. Pretty soon you’ll find yourself living in the dark. Scary place, the dark.

You’re going to wait for him to change? I hate to tell you, but people like him don’t change unless forced to do so when their own behavior causes THEM so much grief and trouble that they do it for self interest. Even then, the change is often temporary, until they can find someone new to bamboozle. YOUR tears didn’t cause him to do anything except call you crazy.

But now he knows the get out of jail free card where you’re concerned. “I lied to you because I didn’t want to hurt you. I wanted to make our relationship better.”

Yes, you need to examine this prayerfully. Somewhere far away from him where he can’t weep and give you the sad eyes and wheedle his way into your emotions.

Because let’s look at something we’re completely ignoring here:

This is a man who can’t say goodbye to his exes. He’s still lying to his last one about you, I bet. He’s the kind of man who will bring another woman into the bed he bought for you. He’s got major unfinished business with his ex, and apparently a great ability to string women along long after they should have been done with him. Men who want their relationship to be better don’t sleep with their exes. And then lie about it, and lie to cover the lies. What you have is a liar whom you can’t trust to be faithful when your back is turned.

This is your first love. Why do you think this is all you deserve? I married my first love. He was not an honest man, it turned out. The last 20 years have been nothing but pain which all comes from the fact he is not an honest man. Now my children live with his lies.

Find the joy of being with a man you can trust. If after comparing the two, you still feel you’d prefer being lied to all the time, or only about whom he’s sleeping with, or all of the above, then you can get back together with him. Apparently he’s very adept at taking back his exes. I’m sure he’ll be waiting for you.

Your post makes me want to cry. Why do people think they don’t deserve better, all in the name of “love” and “forgiveness.” If he really were changed, he wouldn’t have to tell you he was. You’d know by his behavior.


If you want to be stronger in all of this, you will only do that by learning that YOU are important enough to deserve the truth and being alone in the truth is better than propping up a relationship based on lies. Real strength is being able to face life alone for a while rather than compromising. Right now you seem more afraid of being alone than of being lied to and played for a fool. Is that what you want for the rest of your life? People who insist on honesty with themselves and with others attract honest people. The worst lies are the ones we tell ourselves. “He’ll change.” “He didn’t mean it.” When you lie to yourself, you make it easy for other people to do the same.

Please let him go and find someone who believes you deserve fidelity and honesty. Not someone who plays on your fears and manipulates you by crying and saying he was scared and you’re so precious to him he’ll lie till the cows come home to keep you chained to him.

What does your family say? Or are you pretending he is honest so they won’t try to talk you out of this debacle? (Here’s a clue… it’s REALLY bad when you find you’re lying about him to others to protect your facade of a relationship too. Then you have entered into the conspiracy of lies with him. He has made you a partner in your own destruction.)

 

[Morwenna]

If I could have my life to do over, I’d avoid the tendency to ignore the 99% of people who told me what I needed to hear and instead I listened to the 1 person who told me what I wanted to hear.

Congratulations on moving forward with a relationship based on fear and lies. He lies to keep your relationship going because you are too afraid to go out there and find out what it’s like to be with someone who is trustworthy. Oh, so it’s okay if you only lie about sex? That’s the one area you’re giving him permission to lie about? Now that it’s okay, and you know he lies, and he knows he lies and you let him get away with it, how soon till the next time?

And you have a boyfriend that thinks lying to you makes your relationship better. Yep. As long as you don’t examine his behavior too closely, you can pretend it’s much better.

Instead of being angry at him and seeing a complete lack of integrity concerning one of the most central areas of your relationship as a bad thing, you are going to overlook that because you, by your own admission, will also hold back the truth so as not to upset the applecart.

This is how you live a lie. You ignore the obvious because the winds of truth might blow your flimsy world over. You live in fear that the light of truth might be a little bit much if it shines into the dark places in your relationship. Pretty soon you’ll find yourself living in the dark. Scary place, the dark.

You’re going to wait for him to change? I hate to tell you, but people like him don’t change unless forced to do so when their own behavior causes THEM so much grief and trouble that they do it for self interest. Even then, the change is often temporary, until they can find someone new to bamboozle. YOUR tears didn’t cause him to do anything except call you crazy.

But now he knows the get out of jail free card where you’re concerned. “I lied to you because I didn’t want to hurt you. I wanted to make our relationship better.”

Yes, you need to examine this prayerfully. Somewhere far away from him where he can’t weep and give you the sad eyes and wheedle his way into your emotions.

Because let’s look at something we’re completely ignoring here:

This is a man who can’t say goodbye to his exes. He’s still lying to his last one about you, I bet. He’s the kind of man who will bring another woman into the bed he bought for you. He’s got major unfinished business with his ex, and apparently a great ability to string women along long after they should have been done with him. Men who want their relationship to be better don’t sleep with their exes. And then lie about it, and lie to cover the lies. What you have is a liar whom you can’t trust to be faithful when your back is turned.

This is your first love. Why do you think this is all you deserve? I married my first love. He was not an honest man, it turned out. The last 20 years have been nothing but pain which all comes from the fact he is not an honest man. Now my children live with his lies.

Find the joy of being with a man you can trust. If after comparing the two, you still feel you’d prefer being lied to all the time, or only about whom he’s sleeping with, or all of the above, then you can get back together with him. Apparently he’s very adept at taking back his exes. I’m sure he’ll be waiting for you.

Your post makes me want to cry. Why do people think they don’t deserve better, all in the name of “love” and “forgiveness.” If he really were changed, he wouldn’t have to tell you he was. You’d know by his behavior.


If you want to be stronger in all of this, you will only do that by learning that YOU are important enough to deserve the truth and being alone in the truth is better than propping up a relationship based on lies. Real strength is being able to face life alone for a while rather than compromising. Right now you seem more afraid of being alone than of being lied to and played for a fool. Is that what you want for the rest of your life? People who insist on honesty with themselves and with others attract honest people. The worst lies are the ones we tell ourselves. “He’ll change.” “He didn’t mean it.” When you lie to yourself, you make it easy for other people to do the same.

Please let him go and find someone who believes you deserve fidelity and honesty. Not someone who plays on your fears and manipulates you by crying and saying he was scared and you’re so precious to him he’ll lie till the cows come home to keep you chained to him.

What does your family say? Or are you pretending he is honest so they won’t try to talk you out of this debacle? (Here’s a clue… it’s REALLY bad when you find you’re lying about him to others to protect your facade of a relationship too. Then you have entered into the conspiracy of lies with him. He has made you a partner in your own destruction.)

What she said. :sad_yes:

 

[marinaio]

If I could have my life to do over, I’d avoid the tendency to ignore the 99% of people who told me what I needed to hear and instead I listened to the 1 person who told me what I wanted to hear.

Congratulations on moving forward with a relationship based on fear and lies. He lies to keep your relationship going because you are too afraid to go out there and find out what it’s like to be with someone who is trustworthy. Oh, so it’s okay if you only lie about sex? That’s the one area you’re giving him permission to lie about? Now that it’s okay, and you know he lies, and he knows he lies and you let him get away with it, how soon till the next time?

And you have a boyfriend that thinks lying to you makes your relationship better. Yep. As long as you don’t examine his behavior too closely, you can pretend it’s much better.

Instead of being angry at him and seeing a complete lack of integrity concerning one of the most central areas of your relationship as a bad thing, you are going to overlook that because you, by your own admission, will also hold back the truth so as not to upset the applecart.

This is how you live a lie. You ignore the obvious because the winds of truth might blow your flimsy world over. You live in fear that the light of truth might be a little bit much if it shines into the dark places in your relationship. Pretty soon you’ll find yourself living in the dark. Scary place, the dark.

You’re going to wait for him to change? I hate to tell you, but people like him don’t change unless forced to do so when their own behavior causes THEM so much grief and trouble that they do it for self interest. Even then, the change is often temporary, until they can find someone new to bamboozle. YOUR tears didn’t cause him to do anything except call you crazy.

But now he knows the get out of jail free card where you’re concerned. “I lied to you because I didn’t want to hurt you. I wanted to make our relationship better.”

Yes, you need to examine this prayerfully. Somewhere far away from him where he can’t weep and give you the sad eyes and wheedle his way into your emotions.

Because let’s look at something we’re completely ignoring here:

This is a man who can’t say goodbye to his exes. He’s still lying to his last one about you, I bet. He’s the kind of man who will bring another woman into the bed he bought for you. He’s got major unfinished business with his ex, and apparently a great ability to string women along long after they should have been done with him. Men who want their relationship to be better don’t sleep with their exes. And then lie about it, and lie to cover the lies. What you have is a liar whom you can’t trust to be faithful when your back is turned.

This is your first love. Why do you think this is all you deserve? I married my first love. He was not an honest man, it turned out. The last 20 years have been nothing but pain which all comes from the fact he is not an honest man. Now my children live with his lies.

Find the joy of being with a man you can trust. If after comparing the two, you still feel you’d prefer being lied to all the time, or only about whom he’s sleeping with, or all of the above, then you can get back together with him. Apparently he’s very adept at taking back his exes. I’m sure he’ll be waiting for you.

Your post makes me want to cry. Why do people think they don’t deserve better, all in the name of “love” and “forgiveness.” If he really were changed, he wouldn’t have to tell you he was. You’d know by his behavior.


If you want to be stronger in all of this, you will only do that by learning that YOU are important enough to deserve the truth and being alone in the truth is better than propping up a relationship based on lies. Real strength is being able to face life alone for a while rather than compromising. Right now you seem more afraid of being alone than of being lied to and played for a fool. Is that what you want for the rest of your life? People who insist on honesty with themselves and with others attract honest people. The worst lies are the ones we tell ourselves. “He’ll change.” “He didn’t mean it.” When you lie to yourself, you make it easy for other people to do the same.

Please let him go and find someone who believes you deserve fidelity and honesty. Not someone who plays on your fears and manipulates you by crying and saying he was scared and you’re so precious to him he’ll lie till the cows come home to keep you chained to him.

What does your family say? Or are you pretending he is honest so they won’t try to talk you out of this debacle? (Here’s a clue… it’s REALLY bad when you find you’re lying about him to others to protect your facade of a relationship too. Then you have entered into the conspiracy of lies with him. He has made you a partner in your own destruction.)

Liberanosamalo-I agree, but sadly It’s always most difficult to see what’s right in front of you, no matter how painfully obvious it is to others around you.

 

[marinaio]

w2bp88-
Take it from someone who’s been in your boyfriends shoes and who in the past has been a chronic liar…it’s not going to get any better. It’s hard to say exactly why your boyfriend is lying, but I can tell you when I lied I did it because it was easier than telling the truth. It was a challenge and became a game of “webs” to try and work my way through. It was an easy escape from what was going on in my life at the moment, and yes it’s true after awhile (if you’re good enough at lying) you even convince yourself and starting believing what you’ve lied about is true. When you start to do that you know you’re in deep. The problem is once your in, it’s hard to get out. So take if from me it’s not going to get any better.
Your boyfriend has to want to change, and if you keep accepting him he has no reason to change. For me it took an extreme act of losing everyone I cared for to get me back on track, and even then it took me three years to get to where I am now, and I’m still not completely there yet. Lying is a disease, and addiction just like drugs and alcohol. It’s a painful road to nowhere, and it’s only going to get worse.
My best advice to you is to be that extreme act for your boyfriend. While it’ll hurt you to lose him, it’ll help both of you in the long run. Explain to him that you’re not going to put up with his lying anymore and that’s the reason you’re leaving. If he really loves you and wants to be with you he’ll change, he’ll try his best to change. It may take some time, but he’ll do it. In the meantime don’t give in to him, don’t allow him to pressure you back into dating. Don’t believe the initial lines of “I’ve changed”, because it’s bull. He needs time to learn from the mistakes he’s made, to “lie” in the bed he’s made, and to realize that lying, while in the short term may seem like the easy way out, in the long run will only cause you to loose everything you’ve ever cared about.

 

[DawnInTexas]

I forgot to add that he is my first love and we were engaged before the break up and have spoken about marriage in the future, which makes this so much harder.

It will be harder still once you have children, your accounts are cleared out, and it involves a divorce.

If you ever remarry, you’ll have to have an annulment-if it is awarded. If

 

[juliasmith]

get a new boyfriend. it will not get any better.

 

[whatevergirl]

It’s funny that you mention that because that’s what he said to me. All of his lies, besides the adult website which he said he denied so I wouldn’t think he was into that, revolved around this one issue. He said he was scared to tell me because he wanted so much for our relationship to be better and he was scared that if he told me it would be the end of us. I can sympathize with him because I know how scary it can feel when you have something you are holding and you really want to confess it to that person and you know you are wrong but you don’t want to mess things up.

For now, I’m going to think and pray and see what happens. I am going to take things slow, one day at a time, and wait to see if he changes before I give up completely.

Thank you all for your advice. This is a really difficult time for me and I hope to get through it stronger than I was before.

*It’s not that I think people can’t change, I think with a strong relationship with Christ, anyone can change. Sometimes, we are ‘in love’ with an illusion of the person we want someone to be…on some levels, he probably is a good boyfriend. You also might be in love with who he was, or who YOU THOUGHT he was. That happens, and many women keep hanging in there until the guy totally hurts them beyond repair. Be careful that that isn’t you. Again, while I believe some people can and do change…I think that because he has repeatedly lied to you–it might be seriously time to move on.

Praying for you.*

 

[Sarabande]

What do you do with a boyfriend who claims to be changed but he keeps lying. When he does confess he lies in his lies and tells you about it later? Every time he tells you it’s the last time and there is nothing else and then he has more lies to tell you about?

I want to give him the benefit of the doubt and I do love him but I can only take so much hurt. I can only forgive so many times. Any suggestions?

You’re not married… so I say, get rid of him. You deserve someone better. I know it does hurt and will hurt for a while. He may even try to get back into your life while you are still vulnerable, but don’t let him trick you with that. For me, if I had a boyfriend who kept lying to me after giving him many chances, it’s time to move on and keep him out of my life completely. Don’t allow yourself to be in a situation where it will be too late to leave him - or at least legally and spiritually difficult to leave. Surround yourself with people who really love you and care for your well-being and will help emotionally support you while you get through the hurt of dumping him.

 

[Sarabande]

*It’s not that I think people can’t change, I think with a strong relationship with Christ, anyone can change. Sometimes, we are ‘in love’ with an illusion of the person we want someone to be…on some levels, he probably is a good boyfriend. You also might be in love with who he was, or who YOU THOUGHT he was. That happens, and many women keep hanging in there until the guy totally hurts them beyond repair. Be careful that that isn’t you. Again, while I believe some people can and do change…I think that because he has repeatedly lied to you–it might be seriously time to move on.

Praying for you.*

AGAIN… More wise advice from whatevergirl. Listen to her.

 

[Rascalking]

People can change, but other people usually can’t change them. The choice to stop lying, drinking, using drugs, etc, comes from the person doing those behaviors. Even “lesser” things like spending lots of money, or playing video games alot, etc, it’s up to the person who has the bad habits to change their behavior.

 

[organdy]

Joe’s advice is HORRIBLE. It’s also the one outlier on this whole thread, and it’s the only one you seem to be listening to.
It’s bad that you have a lying boyfriend, but the real issue is that you have a cheating boyfriend, and I so hope that you’ll be able to see how manipulative he is being. Imagine I stole from you. And then lied about it. And then, after you wouldn’t let it go, said, *“oh, I only lied about the stealing because I was so afraid of hurting you!” *
Would you think I was a wonderful person for trying to protect you from hurt? Of course not.

 

[w2bp88]

Thank you all for your advice, I’m really thinking about everything you all have said. It’s such a confusing time for me because before he confessed all these lies, our relationship felt really great. We had gotten past the break we took and I thought got through all the hurt. We talked about what was going to happen after we both graduate and how we were going to get married and plan a life together.

This has really turned my life upside down because I feel so lonely and hurt. I feel stupid for having believed him and for forgiving him for all the times he hurt me before. I was in this situation about 9 months ago with him when he started treating me very badly and ended our engagement. I really broke down when that happened and my mom said it was the worst she has ever seen me. During our break up I just cried and tried to move on but I couldn’t. I would think about him every day and it hurts to know that while I was there trying to fix myself so we could be together again, he was out there sleeping with his ex-girlfriend.

Maybe you all are right and it is best to just leave him and move on. It just hurts so much to imagine him not in my life anymore. I guess it’s going to hurt either way.

 

[jwashu]

So you’re saying that as long as he only lies in certain circumstances when he’s really really embarrassed, or really ashamed, or in a situation where he’s weak then she should overlook it?

No no no no no!

In any relationship that counts, we MOST need people to be honest in those circumstances when they look really bad, or they’re really embarrassed or ashamed or have been weak.

If you can’t count on the truth when it really matters, you can’t count on anything.

Her health rides on his integrity. Her heart and her sanity and her psychological well-being cannot be dependent on someone who tells her she’s the crazy one when she confronts him with his lies.

What does the bible say about people when there is “no truth in them.”

The only thing missing from this is him blaming her for making him lie. Though I guess eventually that will happen if she gives him many more chances.

No no no… I’m saying they are kids and he made a mistake. If he got caught in a lie on one incident and it snowballed then there might be hope.

Have you never made mistake and then tried to correct it by covering it up when you were young?

 

[w2bp88]

Have you never made mistake and then tried to correct it by covering it up when you were young?

That’s the part that is troubling me because when I was younger I was not the best child and I used to lie to my mom a lot. I felt so much guilt for it and I wanted so much to confess to her but I knew it would hurt her and she wouldn’t trust me anymore. So I tried to cover things up because I knew what I did was wrong and I didn’t want her to hurt for it or get mad at me. Now that the role is reversed and I am in my mom’s position, I want to treat my boyfriend like I wish she would have treated me. With kindness, compassion, and understanding. I really think he knows in his heart that he messed up and I want to help him through it but then I also remember that I have to think about myself and how hurt I am.

It is interesting how God put this in front of me because I had so much struggle and anger towards my mom for how she used to react towards me but now that I am in her position in this situation I totally understand why she reacted that way. So if nothing else good comes from this, I think it is going to help me patch up my relationship with my mom.

 

[tbcrawford]

I know you are clinging on hoping he will change and really love you and you’ll be happy ever after.Lots of people have given you good advice based on terrible experiences they have suffered in their lives They are trying to prevent you making more mistakes in your life by continuing with him then marrying him.If we didnt care we’d let you continue to make a fool of yourself and ruin your life but …we DO CARE !!!
You feel totally in love and lost without him…I know I’ve been there lots of us have.BUT
you can move on and meet someone else who is much more worthwhile who could really love you.Ask yourself do you really believe he loves you???Be honest to yourself I think you know the sad answer is no.I dont want to hurt you but if he loved you he wouldnt have done all those things.He clearly has problems that need medical intervention it is like an addiction he cant stop his compulsion.Like i said before sometimes they tell so many lies they believe the lies they tell and think it is reality.Please pray and be brave.
If he really love you when you finish with him he will not date/have sexual relations with other women.Or is that what you are scared of that he will go off and have further sexual relations with another/s women? I felt like that for a long time 'cos i had very low self esteem & didnt feel worthy etc.In the end one painful hurt after another you decide you cant take anymore I hope its before you get married and have children.
Honestly you can do this, leave him move on with your life and meet someone else.Keep really busy move away if you have to make new friends.
God Bless

 

[chevalier]

As one of the other posters said, where there is doubt, there should be no benefit.

More like, when there’s no doubt, there should be no benefit. If your facts don’t agree but you have a human there who insists he’s innocent, then you can apply the benefit of doubt - and you should. But when the facts are messy and you’re deciding your future and not the future of a criminal case, then you’d better be very, very careful.

And I’m against dumping those who lie out of weakness on the first occurence. I regret my own weakness consisting in not likely being able to get over something like that, which could lead me to dumping someone who possibly really loved me. At any rate, the combination with cheating changes the picture here. The whole situation seems like he needs therapy.

 

[Liberanosamalo]

Thank you all for your advice, I’m really thinking about everything you all have said. It’s such a confusing time for me because before he confessed all these lies, our relationship felt really great. We had gotten past the break we took and I thought got through all the hurt. We talked about what was going to happen after we both graduate and how we were going to get married and plan a life together.

Gaah! Your relationship felt great because it was based on a lie. YOU were fixing YOURSELF??? Yes, they do make it feel like it’s all our fault and if we would just fix ourselves, we could have the dream…

Sweetheart, this is NOT comparable to how a mother treats a child whom she is raising to be an honest person, and the little girl lies and covers up. You are identifying with the emotions of a child in a situation that calls for ADULT behavior and decisions and consequences. A mother holds her beloved child to a different standard of forgiveness than an unmarried woman should hold her cheating/lying boyfriend. These are apples and oranges. YOU learned your lesson. He should be acting like a grownup by now. It is NOT your job to raise him. He may be beyond that now. If his parents didn’t teach him that, it isn’t your job to be his mother and raise him to be honest.

You are addicted to him. Only time and having NO contact will cure that. It’s all about brain chemistry and the only way to recover from that is to go cold turkey.

Otherwise you are just arguing yourself into a lifetime of misery that none of us will be able to rescue you from.
You’ve already seen the “real him” the liar who treated you really badly, badly enough to call things off once.

Do you really want to be writing this down on some tear-stained annulment questionnaire in 15 years as your kids cry in the next room and you are trying to remember why you thought it was such a good idea to keep a relationship going when you could have quit while you were ahead?

If so, print all this out so you’ll have dates and your thoughts at the time and why you overlooked dishonesty, infidelity, abuse and signs of immaturity, manipulation and sexual addiction during your dating period. All of these will be necessary for the tribunal to decide if your “marriage” were valid or not, or if you entered without due discretion.

And if you all are just “kids” who make mistakes, “kids” don’t belong discussing marriage. That’s for adults who enter into it seriously and with much consideration.

It just hurts so much to imagine him not in my life anymore. I guess it’s going to hurt either way

Keep him around, and someday it will hurt more to have him in your life. The cure for this is to move on and don’t think about him. It is possible. And much easier if you don’t have children with him.

And this is why the Church says not to sleep with people you’re not married to. For what it’s worth, that kind of bonding makes it very confusing to discern someone’s suitability and it makes it much harder than it should be to cut someone loose who isn’t good for you. You learned this the hard way. Your life can be so much better if you find someone good and with sexual self control. You will find out if he has it by insisting on a relationship from the beginning where there is no sexual intercourse. That has a way of weeding out some of the “players.”

 

[FastLearner]

I’m confused. Where you together when he slept with his ex-girlfriend?

Either way, from “I was in this situation about 9 months ago with him when he started treating me very badly and ended our engagement.” it sounds like there’s some serious issues going on that need to be addressed outside of this forum.

Since you were engaged, did you go through pre-Cana? If so, is the priest or deacon that assisted you available to discuss your situation? I assume he’s in a good position to provide some advice or counseling.

 

[nodito]

That’s the part that is troubling me because when I was younger I was not the best child and I used to lie to my mom a lot. I felt so much guilt for it and I wanted so much to confess to her but I knew it would hurt her and she wouldn’t trust me anymore. So I tried to cover things up because I knew what I did was wrong and I didn’t want her to hurt for it or get mad at me. Now that the role is reversed and I am in my mom’s position, I want to treat my boyfriend like I wish she would have treated me. With kindness, compassion, and understanding. I really think he knows in his heart that he messed up and I want to help him through it but then I also remember that I have to think about myself and how hurt I am.

I would gently point out that the difference between that situation and yours is huge. You were a child then with less culpability. But he is an adult, and an adult that you were considering marrying. Something like this should be a dealbreaker.