Lying boyfriend--what to do?

[w2bp88]

I’m confused. Where you together when he slept with his ex-girlfriend?

Either way, from “I was in this situation about 9 months ago with him when he started treating me very badly and ended our engagement.” it sounds like there’s some serious issues going on that need to be addressed outside of this forum.

Since you were engaged, did you go through pre-Cana? If so, is the priest or deacon that assisted you available to discuss your situation? I assume he’s in a good position to provide some advice or counseling.

No, we were not together. He ended things before and we took a break for about a month and that is when he slept with her. He didn’t “cheat” but it still really hurts to think he slept with her and the biggest issue is that he lied about it.

No, we were not doing pre-Cana because at the time, neither of us were religious. Neither of us are Catholic but we both want to do RCIA and convert. While we were broken up he was thinking about religion and morality and within the past 6 months or so, he has been going to mass, reading a lot about Catholicism, praying, etc. He is the one that started me on religion because I didn’t have much faith. It’s a really complicated situation so I guess it’s hard for you guys to give me really good advice because the story is so much deeper than it sounds.

I also don’t want to make him out to be the only bad guy, because I have not been a “saint” in our relationship. We both have a lot of our own issues to deal with before we can even get to our relationship issues. We did not start out with a chaste, pure relationship, it started out lustful. We both now know about the Church’s teachings so we decided to stop any physical relations between us and work on having a pure relationship.

That’s why I don’t think this will be a problem in the future. This event happened before he came to Christ and he had been holding that secret with him, too afraid to tell me. Since his “change”, I think he has been a really great supportive boyfriend. This is why I want to keep holding on because we are both coming into our faith and stepping away from our immoral and sinful selves. I hope this makes sense, there is just so much history to tell in just a few posts. We are thinking of talking to a Catholic counselor to help us deal with our private issues and the ones we have in our relationship. I’m not sure why we both keep holding on but we both feel like there is something still there that could be great once we get rid of all our past problems.

 

[FastLearner]

Without context, it’s hard to make any sort of judgment call. I can see the argument that he was just trying to protect you from an unpleasant situation (like when a woman asks “Does this make me look fat?”), and even though this is a serious situation where he shouldn’t have done that, immaturity could come into play. I can also see the argument that when a person lies to you about something so severe, there’s a problem with trust and with greed that are huge warning signs. But to make any sort of assessment, we need to know all of the context - what’s his personal situation, what’s yours, what’s his history, what are these past unpleasantness in the relationship (on both sides), etc. In addition, it sounds like there are some personal issues that may need to be discussed.

In short, this seems to be a sufficiently complicated enough situation to warrant going somewhere where you can speak to a professional who knows the entire situation. I wouldn’t pay too much mind to those pop-psychologists on here (or anywhere) that give you knee-jerk responses when knowing only partial information. They’re doing you a disservice.

Why not meet with a priest? It sounds like you have a lot to discuss - learning about the Church, how to convert, how to handle this situation, etc. This seems like an ideal time to start getting to know someone in the Church, and maybe he can help you or introduce you to some lay minsters that can help. If you want to convert you’re going to have to meet with a priest sometime, so why not now when you apparently need some extra guidance?

Good luck.

 

[jenlovesyu]

It’s funny to think that only two months ago, I felt exactly the same way that you feel right now.

I was in a relationship with a manipulative, emotionally abusive man myself and I use to believe with all my heart that he would change if I stayed with him. After all, he was the one who said it. If he said it, it must be true right?

I am now 16 weeks pregnant with his child. We are not together, will never be together again, and guess what, he is still the same.

No one here can say for sure whether this guy will change. Not even you.

The people posting here know this though: God has taught us that He doesn’t want His children taking dangerous risks. Staying with a potentially dangerous guy when you could easily just walk away is not only taking a risk, but it is also a very irrational decision. If you feel crazy and confused in this situation it is because you continue to stay with this guy.

If there is any way you can get far away from this guy, trust me, you will eventually notice how much happier you feel that you are not being pulled down. Turn to God as much as you can. He can help you understand. He will give you True Love and Peace.

The only one who wants you to stay in an unhealthy relationship is the devil. He loves lies, he loves all that is unholy because he knows it tears God’s precious children apart. Don’t listen to his punk face anymore.

I shall keep you and this guy in my prayers.

 

[Liberanosamalo]

A little annoyed here. None of us are “pop psychologists.” You don’t need any sort of medical or other degree to know that dishonesty is fatal to a relationship. Dishonesty + abuse + cheating is a triple curse. Name-calling is uncalled for. Some things are learned the hard way, not in a classroom.

As for his “conversion,” I wouldn’t trust it until I met him after a year apart and he was a daily communicant who had lived soberly and chastely on his own for a year with no gain of anything from anyone but the gain to his own soul. i.e., no chance he’s doing it to manipulate and use religion to convince someone he has changed.

Yes, people do that. The most base and manipulative have used religion before as a cloak to deceive. What an ironic tool of Satan. To use our deepest desires against us for our own spiritual destruction. Then when it crashes and burns, we don’t even have our spirituality to hold onto. It’s not pop psychology, it’s bitter experience in a battle for souls as old as mankind.

This is so “deep” she’s talking herself right back into his arms. Jen, I was thinking about you and the advice you got a few months back when I was reading this. I hope you’re doing okay. Take care of yourself!

If this man’s (boy’s) motives are real, his quest for God will survive you walking away from him and clearing your head. It has to be HIS journey and HIS alone. Wait until someone has their relationship with God in line before you try to make a permanent one with him. If someone isn’t right with God, 10 to 1 he isn’t right with his fellow man in key respects either.

And try dating someone who already loves God and seeks to please Him. You are way too young and inexperienced to be settling for the first guy who comes along. Especially one who has caused as much damage as this one has.

Seriously, take a year off. YOU live YOUR life. Settle YOUR relationship with God. Meet again in a year. If his search for God was genuine, he will be a truly changed man. Do NOT presume that he needs YOU to accomplish this! Way too much responsibility for someone who has her own spiritual journey to make. Him saying he “needs you” to do this is a key sign of using this to bind you to him. I find his timing to be suspect. He could be playing you. Big time.

“Does this make me look fat?” and “Did you sleep with your ex” aren’t even in the same league with each other! And excusing dishonest behavior as “immature” underscores my point. To even talk of marriage when someone is this immature is madness. What extra information could possibly mitigate his apparent unreadiness for any serious relationship escapes me.

Trust can be lost in one night and take a lifetime to rebuild.

Other than the fact there are serious trust issues and verbal abusiveness and cheating here, he’d make a great husband? Other than THAT, Mrs. Lincoln, how did you like the play???!

 

[whatevergirl]

*There are so many men out there who are decent and trying to follow Christ daily. Not just in words, but in their deeds. I see posts of really kind, single Catholic men on here every day, who can’t meet a nice, Catholic girl, they say–but it seems that lying and cheating men never find themselves alone. It’s mind boggling. And what I mean by that isn’t that we women should feel bad because we have been duped…but rather, don’t think that this is ÍT. That men like this are it. That if you don’t change this one, there won’t be anyone else out there for you. There are plenty of good guys out there THAT DON’T NEED CHANGING…but for every minute you waste with a guy who treats you less than you deserve, will be one more minute you don’t get to meet a nice guy.

Be strong, and believe that you deserve to be treated with kindness and respect.

Just my two cents worth tonight. *

 

[FastLearner]

You don’t need any sort of medical or other degree to know that dishonesty is fatal to a relationship.

But you do need context to understand the situation. Otherwise what happens is what you see above in “jenlovesyu”'s comments:

Person A mentions a problem with a brief description. This description is obviously lacking most context, detail, and is inherently one-sided. Person B read’s the comment, relates the situation to something in her own personal life, then uses her situation to “fill in the blanks.” Person B then gives advice based on a situation that may or may not be the actuality of Person A’s problem, but rather a hybrid of Person A’s problem and Person B’s problem.

As for dishonesty - I’ve lied to my fiancee many times. Just this afternoon, she asked what I was doing, and instead of telling her the truth (baking a cake for her birthday), I instead lied and told her I was watching a baseball game. Is my relationship doomed? You need a visit to reality if you think it does. Not what if I lied about what I was doing because I was having sex with her brother? Obviously, that would be an extremely different situation. But both are the same lie - it has to do with context.

So the question isn’t if he lied or not, it’s why and what other circumstances surround that lie. Given what this user has posted, none of us can even venture a guess at that - not to mention that the other posts suggest that the user may have some other issues that need to be addressed.

When you randomly guess at an answer based on a knee-jerk response (which is what many people are doing), even if it’s with the best of intentions, it’s ultimately a disservice to the person.

 

[whatevergirl]

It’s funny to think that only two months ago, I felt exactly the same way that you feel right now.

I was in a relationship with a manipulative, emotionally abusive man myself and I use to believe with all my heart that he would change if I stayed with him. After all, he was the one who said it. If he said it, it must be true right?

I am now 16 weeks pregnant with his child. We are not together, will never be together again, and guess what, he is still the same.

No one here can say for sure whether this guy will change. Not even you.

The people posting here know this though: God has taught us that He doesn’t want His children taking dangerous risks. Staying with a potentially dangerous guy when you could easily just walk away is not only taking a risk, but it is also a very irrational decision. If you feel crazy and confused in this situation it is because you continue to stay with this guy.

If there is any way you can get far away from this guy, trust me, you will eventually notice how much happier you feel that you are not being pulled down. Turn to God as much as you can. He can help you understand. He will give you True Love and Peace.

The only one who wants you to stay in an unhealthy relationship is the devil. He loves lies, he loves all that is unholy because he knows it tears God’s precious children apart. Don’t listen to his punk face anymore.

I shall keep you and this guy in my prayers.

This is excellent advice. A funny thing happens when you break away from an unhealthy relationship…you feel healthier and more at peace.

 

[jenlovesyu]

FastLearner, I know what you are saying and I totally respect where you are coming from but I don’t think that, considering the information the OP has given us, we can sit here and act like this isn’t as serious as it really is.

What do you do with a boyfriend who claims to be changed but he keeps lying. When he does confess he lies in his lies and tells you about it later? Every time he tells you it’s the last time and there is nothing else and then he has more lies to tell you about?

I want to give him the benefit of the doubt and I do love him but I can only take so much hurt. I can only forgive so many times. Any suggestions?

I bolded some of the key words in her original post. Without even reading her other posts I don’t think this is something to take a lax attitude about. It’s one thing when someone lies once or twice. But it is certainly another when someone chronically tries to hide the truth.

He tells her everytime that he will change. Why hasn’t he changed? Why is he still causing her grief? If he really cared wouldn’t he do something about it?

The OP has already revealed to us that her boyfriend wasn’t lying about baking a cake. I think the information she has given us is enough to know that he needs to fix himself BEFORE they try and pursue a romantic relationship. And only God knows how long that will take.

 

[Tietjen]

What do you do with a boyfriend who claims to be changed but he keeps lying. When he does confess he lies in his lies and tells you about it later? Every time he tells you it’s the last time and there is nothing else and then he has more lies to tell you about?

I want to give him the benefit of the doubt and I do love him but I can only take so much hurt. I can only forgive so many times. Any suggestions?

Kick him to the curb.

 

[Liberanosamalo]

Person A mentions a problem with a brief description. This description is obviously lacking most context, detail, and is inherently one-sided. Person B read’s the comment, relates the situation to something in her own personal life, then uses her situation to “fill in the blanks.” Person B then gives advice based on a situation that may or may not be the actuality of Person A’s problem, but rather a hybrid of Person A’s problem and Person B’s problem.

Well, what a coincidence. Because that’s what you do! You split hairs about context. I wondered why. Now I know. Because you’re a liar too. Gotta stick up for each other! Problem with people who split context hairs… THEY are the ones who start choosing which context makes the lie acceptable or not. And the person lied to is supposed to play along.

Well, since your lies are little (right now. Will you guarantee they will always remain so?) you won’t sit in judgment on someone else’s big lies. Just tell her to go compound one mistake with a bigger one.

Here’s a hint: You don’t need to lie to your fiancee about little things. “What are you doing” didn’t need an explicit answer. You could have kept your integrity by saying “Well, if I told you, that would ruin the surprise.” Or “You’ll see.” Or something other than a lie.

Harsh? Well, lies start little and get bigger. And anyone who has been lied to about big things in life isn’t taking your point of view here. You’re making excuses about context and how that affects the morality of this guy’s actions.

Go read Jen’s post from February. It is eerily similar to this situation. She’s paying a high price for believing someone’s “context.”

The older you get the more life is full of shortcuts. I can see a dog staggering down the street foaming at the mouth and weaving around in circles. I don’t need to stop and interview him and find out the context in which he is operating to know I don’t want my kids in his path. The same with the kind of guy society used to refer to as a “cad” or a “jerk” or a “mountebank” or a “player” or whatever label we used to unkindly place on them to warn young women that heartbreak lay ahead.

You’re more worried about this guy’s right to get away with lying about STD tests with a woman who trusted him with her life than you are about the poor girl and her pain. In this day and age, lies can equal death sentences.

If this were your sister, would you be talking about context?

 

[FastLearner]

I bolded some of the key words in her original post. Without even reading her other posts I don’t think this is something to take a lax attitude about. It’s one thing when someone lies once or twice. But it is certainly another when someone chronically tries to hide the truth.

He tells her everytime that he will change. Why hasn’t he changed? Why is he still causing her grief? If he really cared wouldn’t he do something about it?

The OP has already revealed to us that her boyfriend wasn’t lying about baking a cake. I think the information she has given us is enough to know that he needs to fix himself BEFORE they try and pursue a romantic relationship. And only God knows how long that will take.

If you take two people having problems in a relationship and ask them what’s wrong, you’ll get very different answers. If you ask my fiancee about me, she’ll tell you that I’m a great, sweet, caring guy. If you ask my last ex-girlfriend, she’ll tell you that I’m evil and cold-hearted. Two different stories about the same situation or person…

My point is this: before you immediately jump to the conclusion that the problem is this guy, you have to realize that there are several other potential explanations, each of which would require a different course of action and treatment. For example, what if the issue isn’t with the guy, but rather with her? How do you know she isn’t the one that needs help? There are certainly signs of that.

Jumping to the knee-jerk conclusion by making assumptions is like trying to diagnose someone over the internet because they tell you they have a stomach ache. You might tell them to go take some Pepto Bismal, because that works for you, but what if the problem isn’t just a stomach ache, but symptoms of stomach cancer? By “treating” the wrong disease, you’ve just made the underlying issue worse.

When trying to deal out life advice, I think people need to be a little more careful. When someone asks a general question like “how do you get an 8 year old to each carrots,” it’s fine to give advice. When someone asks a very specific question, such as “what does the Catholic Church teach about birth control,” again it’s ok to give advice. When someone asks a trivial question, such as “what should I get my husband for Christmas”, that’s again fine to address, but people need to be very carefully addressing specific issues that affect a substantial affect on another person’s life, especially when all the facts are not present and people are making assumptions.

This isn’t some guy she met last week at a bar, it’s someone she apparently loves and for whom she has at one point wanted to marry. Just saying “yeah, he’s lying, leave him” is irresponsible and not fair to the OP. And giving your experience and telling her to do the same, without any knowledge as to whether her situation is exactly the same as yours is also a disservice. To address this in a respectful and responsible manner, you need to fully understand the situation, and I don’t see a way that can happen on an anonymous internet forum.

 

[FastLearner]

I’m not advocating that she stay with the guy or leave him. My point is simply that people here are not in the position to make the call. It’s not as simple as “He lied? Dump him.” If she were to follow that, she would potentially be missing a larger issue that needs to be addressed.

Well, what a coincidence. Because that’s what you do! You split hairs about context. I wondered why. Now I know. Because you’re a liar too. Gotta stick up for each other! Problem with people who split context hairs… THEY are the ones who start choosing which context makes the lie acceptable or not. And the person lied to is supposed to play along.

Oh, please. You need to visit realityland. It’s a fun place.

I once went to meet with a priest because I was very upset about people taking an incredibly hard-line opinion about everything, such as you’re trying to do right now. His response: “Those people are very, very dangerous. You need to stay far away. Nothing good comes from people that act like that.”

 

[Liberanosamalo]

You are right, FastLearner, I am dangerous.

I will learn from you.

Now my new advice to the OP is this:

YOU need help. Your boyfriend’s context trumps your issues. Whatever caused you to break up with him before when he got back with his ex is your fault. You need to examine his context. Lots of other women like to also apparently. You have issues if you are going to break out in tears every time he claims he’s looking at porn in order to avoid telling you the truth about sleeping with his ex in the bed he bought for you but maybe he didn’t sleep with the ex, but don’t insist he get an STD test, because he already told her that answer, but you can’t remember it because, well, it’s hard to keep all those lies straight and which one he told which girlfriend.

But if he lied in the context of saving himself from embarrassment and her from pain, that makes it all right. Because God’s Commandment said that THOU SHALT NOT LIE, EXCEPT IN THE RIGHT CONTEXT.

And I’m upset with God because He took a hardline opinion about everything. Like when he kicked Adam and Eve out of Eden without examining the context in which they disobeyed him. God is to be avoided. He is very dangerous too. Very, very dangerous. We need to stay far away. Nothing good comes from people that act like that.



To the OP, all sarcasm aside, discerning a future spouse is EXACTLY the situation in which you should have a hardline opinion. Either that or negotiate carefully the specific contexts in which you will tolerate being abused and lied to and cheated on and called crazy when you react to that treatment in a way he doesn’t like.

I like this poster who blames the person who came to us for advice for her problem. How is the guy’s lying and cheating on her making the issue “with her?” For the record, if the guy had written to me asking me how he could get back a woman after he called her crazy and cheated on her and lied over and over, well… he didn’t ask. So my advice is for the person who asked. From the point of view of a woman who has seen too many liars in her life.

It wasn’t just about lies. Go back and read the whole thread. Including my advice that she take a year off and work on herself and relationship with God and look at him again in a year to see if he really meant it or was perpetuating another fraud on her.

 

[FastLearner]

I hope you’re having fun playing God and throwing judgment around left and right. She needs to leave him. He’s at fault. I’m a lier defending another lier. I need to “sit in judgment” on this other guy’s lies. It’s been a busy evening for you.
.

I like this poster who blames the person who came to us for advice for her problem. How is the guy’s lying and cheating on her making the issue “with her?”

There are at least a half dozen potential issues that should be ignored. But for the sake of not internet diagnosing, let’s use a parallel example: have you ever watched the show Intervention on A&E? Have you ever looked at a drug addict who can barely say his name and stand up, and wondered how things could get that bad? Ever notice how the family is often sent to treatment as well as the drug addict? When someone is doing something obviously wrong, and it’s allowed to continue, often times it’s not just the abuser that’s at fault, but also the enablers.

Here’s another example: a man beats his wife. She stays with him for years and continues to get beaten. What’s one of the first things that’s usually done? The woman is separated and treated for self-esteem and co-dependency issues. Is the woman at fault for getting beaten? No. But she’s still in need of treatment for her personal issues before the larger issue can be addressed.

I’m not saying that the OP is the problem or that she needs treatment, or that she should leave or stay with this person. I’m saying that NO ONE here is qualified to make that sort of decision or to prescribe any sort of treatment (i.e. action). She needs to seek professional one-on-one help and have the situation professional evaluated.

Besides, for all we know, she could be skewing the truth (either way - the actuality could be much, much worse or not nearly as bad) to try to direct a response for self-confirmation.

 

[tbcrawford]

My dear friend FastLearner I dont think the OP wanted to know if anyone was qualified when she asked HER question.People come to different forums to ask questions/advice/prayers etc from other members.It would be unfair of you to be telling off members for giving advice based on personal experiences to them.However im sure that was not your intention and im sure you are genuinely trying to help the original questioner.Good for you.We are all entitled to different opinions and the questioner is entitled to take/not take the advice as per her choice.If she didnt want opinions she would hardly have enquired on a forum.I have had some very helpful advice and prayers given me on CAF and I for one think its a terrific idea.The idea is though for people to give opinions we are not all qualified if anyone wants qualified advice they may seek it anytime anywhere as per choice.
I do agree with you to talk to a priest and im sure you have best intentions for her.Thankyou for participating in her quest to solve her issue with your opinions.God Bless

 

[whatevergirl]

**

I hope you’re having fun playing God and throwing judgment around left and right. She needs to leave him. He’s at fault. I’m a lier defending another lier. I need to “sit in judgment” on this other guy’s lies. It’s been a busy evening for you.
.

There are at least a half dozen potential issues that should be ignored. But for the sake of not internet diagnosing, let’s use a parallel example: have you ever watched the show Intervention on A&E? Have you ever looked at a drug addict who can barely say his name and stand up, and wondered how things could get that bad? Ever notice how the family is often sent to treatment as well as the drug addict? When someone is doing something obviously wrong, and it’s allowed to continue, often times it’s not just the abuser that’s at fault, but also the enablers.

Here’s another example: a man beats his wife. She stays with him for years and continues to get beaten. What’s one of the first things that’s usually done? The woman is separated and treated for self-esteem and co-dependency issues. Is the woman at fault for getting beaten? No. But she’s still in need of treatment for her personal issues before the larger issue can be addressed.

I’m not saying that the OP is the problem or that she needs treatment, or that she should leave or stay with this person. I’m saying that NO ONE here is qualified to make that sort of decision or to prescribe any sort of treatment (i.e. action). She needs to seek professional one-on-one help and have the situation professional evaluated.

Besides, for all we know, she could be skewing the truth (either way - the actuality could be much, much worse or not nearly as bad) to try to direct a response for self-confirmation.

*If someone needs to seek professional help over dating a person who treats him/her poorly, that should be a glaring red flag to break things off with the person. I understand what you’re saying, but when did dating become so complicated? If someone treats another person badly, repeatedly, the best solution is to not stay and keep taking it. Do we really need to pay someone to tell us this? In the dating stage?

Dating is supposed to be somewhat fun, not a burden. *

 

[whatevergirl]

*And no one here is evaluating the OP’s relationship, rather we offer advice, guidance, prayers…only she can decide what’s right. We all offer advice based on information given. Of course there could be a number of scenarios she isn’t mentioning, or the entire thread could be fabricated or not. But, going with what the OP is saying here, that is how we offer our opinions.

At the end of the day, we’re all offering opinions only.*

 

[nikkib303]

OP, let me just say that I was also in a relationship with a man very like the one you are describing. Every lie I caught him in, he could explain it away, or somehow blame me or threaten me or something. And I stayed and stayed, and then I got pregnant and thought that would for sure change him. It didn’t. He continued to cheat and lie about it. Then we got engaged and I thought for sure that was it. It wasn’t. I too found this board while trying to decide if I should break off our engagement. I did, but then made the terrible decision to go to counseling and try to make it work so we could stay together as a family.

This led to several more terrible decisions being made on my part. And none of it should have happened, because everyone told me to just walk away. We have now been apart for more than a year and it was the best decision that I have ever made and I just wish I had done it sooner. Yeah, it is lonely being single, but the peace of mind is worth it! I know that I am emotionally safe from his lies, physically safe from the possiblity of std’s and the main thing is that only now do I realize how much anger and hate I felt towards him, even though I tried to cover it up and pretend I still loved him. Please listen to the wise people on this board. It will hurt, probably for a long time. But you will live and be much better for it!

 

[Sheeniac]

I don’t know what FastLeaner’s past is, but I married a liar. What a dreadful mistake… I won’t go into details, but it caused such pain and heartbreak. We divorced and I am seeking an annulment (lack of form, the “short form” since I was estranged from the Church when I married a non-Christian).

Marriage needs more than the emotion of love to sustain itself. Honesty can be hard, painful even. He should have been straight with you about sleeping with his ex. It was the perfect time and you would have probably forgiven him. Instead, he chose to fool you to better his position. And that’s the big problem because life is chockful of such times where it will be in his better interest to not tell you the truth, at least from his perspective. All other issues aside, this is a VERY dangerous thing for you.

You might not be in the position (mentally, emotionally) to end the relationship right now. But I would strongly suggest that you consider that option and work towards accepting it. He’s not going to change unless he wants to. But, the way things seem to be, the cost is not too high for him - I mean, he lies and there are no real repercussions. So telling a lie next time is no big deal - he’ll be able to talk you past it, honing in on your love and empathy.

Now, I had asked for opinions on something my life here, and decided to ignore the opinions. I had written it when upset, and realized that I painted a very unbalanced picture of the relationship. I tried to post corrections, but then it looked like I was ‘covering’ for him. Not accurate, but very understandable.

But you haven’t posted several explanations and clarifications, which leads me to believe that you know what most are posting is the best way, but you don’t really want to hear that (quite human and understandable). You’re in my prayers…