Lying Boyfriend?

[catholickitten]

Oh my, I don’t even know where to start, but I’ll try…

I have been dating my boyfriend for 5 months now, and it was a nice relationship until a month and a half ago.

I am Catholic and he is too, but well, he really doesn’t believe in the Church and everything that it teaches, for some time he even questioned God’s existance which made me very sad at times, lately he’s accepted God’s existance, but he’s still hasn’t gotten better in other matters (like views on premarital sex, overall morals, etc. He’s never pressured me to do anything though, he has respected my wishes.)

Another thing he lacks is honesty for example, from the beginning he’s lied to me, some were little and other huge lies and I was devastated.

Specially when I found a bunch of profiles he had posted online in the middle of August, I only found out at the end of August though, it was heart breaking to see that he wanted to “change” me, two of those websites were penpal websites which I suppose wouldn’t be bad if it wasn’t for the fact that he went out of his way to hide them from me, and then the other 2 were actual dating websites where he claimed he was single and looking for a serious relationship

I found out about those one night after he came back to his house drunk and he seemed weird, acting mean to me, and he was never like that, actually after all this we had a pretty decent relationship, but then I found out about those profiles and “hell broke loose”, it was horrible, he begged me not to break up with him, promised me that he’d change and never do it again, and so I gave him a second chance, because I do feel people can change, after all, I am living proof of it, I had a very wicked lifestyle before I came back to the Church, and I thank The Lord for all His graces, and I’ve been in the right path for many years. (btw I’m 25 and he’s 32)

But since then I’ve been finding more of those profiles he made while we were dating (all of them from months ago, nothing recent)… It’s so hurtful to see the homongous ammount of profiles he had put up online. Since then he hasn’t done it, not that I know of, maybe I’m being naive.

The thing is that 3 weeks ago he started going to pubs with “friends” very frequently ( I don’t go to pubs because I can’t handle myself around alcohol… part of my past ) and not picking up the phone if I called, or avoiding the calls, getting really late to his house, you know, strange behaviour he didn’t have before… And I confronted him and he said he didn’t know why he was going so much… That it was co-workers inviting him, other times friends he hadn’t seen in a long time, other times with his sister and her boyfriend, other times friends that came from tips and wanted to see him… But… All in the same week???

He’s stopped for now, but now I wonder if he was trying to date someone and maybe it didn’t work, and many other things that come from my imagination…

The thing is that I feel that maybe part of the problem is that he’s not God fearing, I think he feels like being dishonest or even actually cheating on me doesn’t have any consequences…

True, we’re not married (though he wants to marry me ), but just because you’re not married to someone I don’t think that is fair to deceive other people into thinking that you love them or that you wanna stay with them…!

Of course I have no proof (yet) of what I’m talking about, but I have the exact same feeling I had as when he started to make those profiles online, I remember telling him “geez, I don’t know what it is, but I feel there’s something you’re not telling me… I’m starting to feel uncomfortable”, he’d always lie and say it was in my imagination.

I’m not the type of person to be saying things like that because I know how that makes me look, but in that case I just couldn’t help it, it was overwhelming! I think it was God trying to push me to the truth, because it was so unbelieavable that I just HAD to tell him, even if it made me sound paranoid.

Now, the thing is I don’t know whether to stay (and give him that second chance I promised I’d give him), or just move on though I know it’ll be hard because I care a lot about him. We were really good together before all this happened… But I suppose it was all fake

Has anyone had someone they love REALLY change if you prayed with all your Faith?

Any (name removed by moderator)ut would be appreciate it…

I apologize for the length of my thread and specially if it sounds like out a soap opera…

God bless you all.

 

[rpp]

It sounds like your boyfriends has some growing up to do. I would suggest that you consider giving him some time to do that.

I will add that I find the drunkenness rather disturbing. Furthermore, lying is a seriously bad trait.

 

[Feanaro_s_Wife]

**You deserve better. Either he will change and become the man you deserve, or he won’t. But no matter what your past, it’s in your past. He is like this right now. You deserve better.

I suggest spending some time talking to God and asking Him to show you what to do. Personally, I would break it off with this guy and give yourself some time to become objective about the whole situation. It will also give him time to put his money where his mouth is… if you are the girl of his dreams he will show that over the course of several months. But more than likely, when you don’t take him back right away, he’ll show his true colors.

Prayers for you, and for him. Oh, and did I mention, you deserve better?**

 

[hasikelee]

Honey, if you think you can pray and change him, then it’s YOU that needs to step away from this relationship.

He is consistently and clearly displaying some pretty serious behavior issues, especially the lying, attempt at infidelity and alcohol abuse.

Staying with him is not helping him or you. And thinking you can change him is a classic justification for co-dependent behavior.

 

[whatevergirl]

I am all for giving people the benefit of the doubt, and forgiveness…however, in this case, it seems that your bf is taking advantage of you. He also sounds like he has a lot of issues, that only he can tackle on his own. You can pray for him, but you are not his wife, I might distance myself a bit in order to not get to swept up into his problems, etc…

Until your bf can straighten himself out, I would definitely not entertain thoughts of marriage. Soooo many women ignore glaring red flags like this. They end up marrying men like this, who have drinking problems, and respect issues with women, and truly live to regret it. You can pray for him. I am happy to hear that he respects your desire to abstain from premarital sex. That is a plus, but don’t overlook these warning signs.

I will keep you and your bf in my prayers.

 

[catholickitten]

Thank you all so much for your replies, but just to add some more to the thread, yes, I do think he has a serious issue with honesty.

But to be fair, no, I don’t think he has a drinking problem, I’m not trying to defend him but… That was the 1st time in the entire relationship that I had seen him drunk, that’s why I suspected something was really wrong…

Yeah, he went to “pubs”, at least that’s what he told me, but never got back drunk… There could be the possibility that he wasn’t even going to pubs with friends… Like I said, I have a feeling that something else was going on…

I’m trying to be objective, as much as I can, and I would want to think that he has taken the chance I gave him and really change, but well, maybe I should just back off for a while, which is what I’ve been doing, I have kinda put a wall between us because I fear getting hurt… I’m just “observing” you could say, and no hehe, I’m not contemplating marriage with him, NO WAY, at least not in this stage.

I appreciate the (name removed by moderator)ut, keep it coming please

 

[Simon_X]

I am all for giving people the benefit of the doubt, and forgiveness…however, in this case, it seems that your bf is taking advantage of you. He also sounds like he has a lot of issues, that only he can tackle on his own. You can pray for him, but you are not his wife, I might distance myself a bit in order to not get to swept up into his problems, etc…

Until your bf can straighten himself out, I would definitely not entertain thoughts of marriage. Soooo many women ignore glaring red flags like this. They end up marrying men like this, who have drinking problems, and respect issues with women, and truly live to regret it. You can pray for him. I am happy to hear that he respects your desire to abstain from premarital sex. That is a plus, but don’t overlook these warning signs.

I will keep you and your bf in my prayers.

I agree with Whatevergirl and Fean’s Wife…If your boyfriend is 32 years old, he’s really acting immature. I know lots of guys like this and they really don’t know what they want…please give yourself some space…

 

[BeeSweet]

“When people show you who they are, believe them, the first time.” –Maya Angelou

Don’t waste anymore time. You’ve already given him a second and a third chance, probably more. Trust yourself. Please get on with your life.

 

[lenni]

hey hey
im sorry to hear that…
but it reminded me of a section in Crystallina Evert’s book - Pure Womenhood
so here is what she says -
'We have to let go of our insecurites, foolishness and pride and pray for wisdom.
It’s easy to know when a friend should end a relationship. But it’s tough when you’re the girl. How do you know when to let go of your guy? Here’s a reliable, ‘dump him’ list:

• you’ve had to tell him more than once to stop
• you feel the need to fix him
• he looks at porn
• he hits you, pushes you and does anything to frighten you
• he gets drunk
• he doesnt care if you lie to your fam
• he leads you away from God
• He puts you down
• He cheats on you
• He lies
• he flirts with other girls
• He uses guilt to get you to do what he wants
• He always resent time you spend with fam and friends
• He behaves badly and blames it on other people or things that happen to him
• he cant stand on his own two feet without you
• you can’t stand on your own two feet and remain pure with him
  These are not minor faults. They are signs of major issues that can be disastrous to a marriage. If any of these apply end the relationship [or in my opinion - give him like a probation period to prove himself worth]
  [skipping a bit] ‘In the mean time, stay strong. Do nothing physical with him. No kissing. No holding hands. No nothing. This man is not your husband and your affections do not belong to him. Any affections you show him is leading him on. Cling to God, good friends and family as pull away. You are worth it.’

I hope this helps and it will be tough. But i think you need to step away for a bit and let him grow. Because I think one of the other things in a relationship is to help that other person get to Heaven. At this moment - it doesnt look like he knows where Heaven is. Once he can stand on his two feet - then I think he can come search for you!

 

[whatevergirl]

hey hey
im sorry to hear that…
but it reminded me of a section in Crystallina Evert’s book - Pure Womenhood
so here is what she says -
'We have to let go of our insecurites, foolishness and pride and pray for wisdom.
It’s easy to know when a friend should end a relationship. But it’s tough when you’re the girl. How do you know when to let go of your guy? Here’s a reliable, ‘dump him’ list:

• you’ve had to tell him more than once to stop
• you feel the need to fix him
• he looks at porn
• he hits you, pushes you and does anything to frighten you
• he gets drunk
• he doesnt care if you lie to your fam
• he leads you away from God
• He puts you down
• He cheats on you
• He lies
• he flirts with other girls
• He uses guilt to get you to do what he wants
• He always resent time you spend with fam and friends
• He behaves badly and blames it on other people or things that happen to him
• he cant stand on his own two feet without you
• you can’t stand on your own two feet and remain pure with him
  These are not minor faults. They are signs of major issues that can be disastrous to a marriage. If any of these apply end the relationship [or in my opinion - give him like a probation period to prove himself worth]
  [skipping a bit] ‘In the mean time, stay strong. Do nothing physical with him. No kissing. No holding hands. No nothing. This man is not your husband and your affections do not belong to him. Any affections you show him is leading him on. Cling to God, good friends and family as pull away. You are worth it.’

I hope this helps and it will be tough. But i think you need to step away for a bit and let him grow. Because I think one of the other things in a relationship is to help that other person get to Heaven. At this moment - it doesnt look like he knows where Heaven is. Once he can stand on his two feet - then I think he can come search for you!

This is a great post. Great points to think about!

 

[Morwenna]

Another thing he lacks is honesty for example, from the beginning he’s lied to me, some were little and other huge lies and I was devastated.

Specially when I found a bunch of profiles he had posted online in the middle of August, I only found out at the end of August though, it was heart breaking to see that he wanted to “change” me, two of those websites were penpal websites which I suppose wouldn’t be bad if it wasn’t for the fact that he went out of his way to hide them from me, and then the other 2 were actual dating websites where he claimed he was single and looking for a serious relationship

I found out about those one night after he came back to his house drunk and he seemed weird, acting mean to me, and he was never like that, actually after all this we had a pretty decent relationship, but then I found out about those profiles and “hell broke loose”, it was horrible, he begged me not to break up with him, promised me that he’d change and never do it again, and so I gave him a second chance, because I do feel people can change, after all, I am living proof of it, I had a very wicked lifestyle before I came back to the Church, and I thank The Lord for all His graces, and I’ve been in the right path for many years. (btw I’m 25 and he’s 32)

But since then I’ve been finding more of those profiles he made while we were dating (all of them from months ago, nothing recent)… It’s so hurtful to see the homongous ammount of profiles he had put up online. Since then he hasn’t done it, not that I know of, maybe I’m being naive.

He’s stopped for now, but now I wonder if he was trying to date someone and maybe it didn’t work, and many other things that come from my imagination…

Of course I have no proof (yet) of what I’m talking about, but I have the exact same feeling I had as when he started to make those profiles online, I remember telling him “geez, I don’t know what it is, but I feel there’s something you’re not telling me… I’m starting to feel uncomfortable”, he’d always lie and say it was in my imagination.

I’m not the type of person to be saying things like that because I know how that makes me look, but in that case I just couldn’t help it, it was overwhelming! I think it was God trying to push me to the truth, because it was so unbelieavable that I just HAD to tell him, even if it made me sound paranoid.

Now, the thing is I don’t know whether to stay (and give him that second chance I promised I’d give him), or just move on though I know it’ll be hard because I care a lot about him. We were really good together before all this happened… But I suppose it was all fake

I wish I could give you a different answer, but, having dated a couple of different men who were very similar to what you’ve described above: Run. Run fast. Get away from him before you get in any deeper.

Sorry if this sounds harsh, but I am seeing MAJOR red flags here. Entirely leaving aside the drinking issue, but just speaking about the honesty issue alone … this guy sounds like bad news to me.

It is not your imagination, and you are not being paranoid. Your mind is telling you something that your heart doesn’t want to hear (oh, boy, do I ever know how that feels!). :sad_yes:

Feanaro’s wife is right: you deserve MUCH better than this. In my opinion he is very unlikely to change, and you’re heading for worse to come if you stay with him.

You deserve (at a minimum!) someone you can trust … from the little things all the way up to the big stuff. Without trust, you have a house built on sand.

I will pray for you as you work through this situation, CK. :hug1:

 

[catholickitten]

Thanks to all of you, I agree with what you all say, I think I have some MAJOR praying to do and also a lot of thinking.

I LOVED the list!

And no, NO physical contact with him, nothing that could make me fall into “his trap” or lead him on, and I agree, my affection should go for the one who’s gonna be my husband, and well, my BF is still on “probation”.

I have been keeping my distance, I had to as a survival method because it’s really hard when you find out that all what you thought was true was actually false

He knows how I still feel about this “relationship”, so he’s been “good” so far, but there’s still a lot of things that don’t add up.

I think if he’s trying to fake being different or trying to deceive me, time will uncover the truth, since I’m being cautious with the chance I’ve given him.

I thank you for all your prayers, I’m sure that the fog in my mind will dissipate soon as your prayers reach God.

 

[hasikelee]

Thanks to all of you, I agree with what you all say, I think I have some MAJOR praying to do and also a lot of thinking.

I LOVED the list!

And no, NO physical contact with him, nothing that could make me fall into “his trap” or lead him on, and I agree, my affection should go for the one who’s gonna be my husband, and well, my BF is still on “probation”.

I have been keeping my distance, I had to as a survival method because it’s really hard when you find out that all what you thought was true was actually false

He knows how I still feel about this “relationship”, so he’s been “good” so far, but there’s still a lot of things that don’t add up.

I think if he’s trying to fake being different or trying to deceive me, time will uncover the truth, since I’m being cautious with the chance I’ve given him.

I thank you for all your prayers, I’m sure that the fog in my mind will dissipate soon as your prayers reach God.

You might want to be obscure or laid back about the reason for not spending time with him or for breaking up the relationship.

It’s seems totally cliche for guys like this to beg, plead and put on the guilt trip until you agree to stay longer. Then they “act good” for a few weeks until you let your guard down.

Perhaps saying you just need to focus on work or school, or that you are taking a break from dating will keep him from having the upper hand.

 

[ack]

Get away from that guy!

You must be really upset, because you came online and took the time to tell your story to all of us. That is a bad sign. You have the right to break up with him for any reason – you are not married, you’re just girlfriend and boyfriend!

 

[lenni]

Thanks to all of you, I agree with what you all say, I think I have some MAJOR praying to do and also a lot of thinking.

I LOVED the list!

And no, NO physical contact with him, nothing that could make me fall into “his trap” or lead him on, and I agree, my affection should go for the one who’s gonna be my husband, and well, my BF is still on “probation”.

I have been keeping my distance, I had to as a survival method because it’s really hard when you find out that all what you thought was true was actually false

He knows how I still feel about this “relationship”, so he’s been “good” so far, but there’s still a lot of things that don’t add up.

I think if he’s trying to fake being different or trying to deceive me, time will uncover the truth, since I’m being cautious with the chance I’ve given him.

I thank you for all your prayers, I’m sure that the fog in my mind will dissipate soon as your prayers reach God.

o, im glad you found the list useful!!
but him trying to be ‘good,’ it is possibly a facade. *
omg i found some really helpful links from the pure love club website (Jason Evert’s site) and there are exact scenarios of your case -
check them

How can I trust my boyfriend after he cheated on me?
chastity.com/chastity/index.php?id=7&entryid=12

I’m sort of seeing this guy, but he likes this other girl, too. I found out he kissed her, but he wants to still see me. What do I do?
chastity.com/chastity/index.php?id=7&entryid=12

How do you know if you should break up with the guy you’re dating?
chastity.com/chastity/index.php?id=7&entryid=112*

 

[kage_ar]

Friends do not lie to each other.

When you want to reflect on real love, look at the Crucifix and read Corinthians chapter 13.

 

[monicatholic]

Get away from that guy!

ck, why say this twice? you are precisely exactly the woman who comes back online after the SAME guy, now husband, soon to be x husband walks out leaving her with two or three kids.

you are the same woman who, when she gets dumped by him, it’s not for good because 4 months from now he comes home and is sure of “what he wants.”

only to do it all over again in a month.

you are precisely exactly specifically the woman who bemaons, "i was so STUUUUUPID!!!

ck, why does anyone have to tell you this?

he is precisely exactly speecifically the guy you think he is. he is EXACTLY that guy.

if you stay with him, you are NOT a victim. you’re a volunteer.

 

[catholickitten]

Lenni, Thank you VERY much for the links, I find that website VERY interesting!

And thanks Kage_ar for the bible verse hugs

monicatholic… I know I can SEEM stupid right now (which I don’t claim you’re calling me) actually the correct word I’m looking for is “vulnerable”… But believe me, I won’t go THAT far as you’re trying to picture it in your “analogy”.

I know that most people have gone through something at least a bit similar at some point in their lives, and they don’t necessarily end up in that chaos scenerio of “that woman”

Maybe I’m just clinging into giving him a chance because I used to be worse than him and I changed drastically… So, saying that people never change would be claiming that I have never sinned… Imagine if people had given up on me when I was being a wild child? I wouldn’t even be posting in this forum, but in a Heavy Metal forum probably

Of course there are big odds that he won’t change, but again…

Anyway, I appreciate the (name removed by moderator)ut, I know the picture you wanted to give me, and I understand. Hugs and blessings for you

 

[Liberanosamalo]

CK, I’m writing as someone who found out early in dating a man that he had outright lied to me (or withheld the whole truth on some subjects) for several months. Instead of pointing at the door and telling him to leave my parent’s house, I tried to be forgiving, ignore my hurt and the red flags and give him another chance.

I loved him.

So I ignored that gnawing feeling in the pit of my stomach and spoke to myself about Christian forgiveness.

He never stopped being a liar. And years later, as more lies came tumbling out, those early lies came back to sting twice as badly, because I had been warned and ignored that instinct that God gives to women for their own protection.

I realized I never did love him. I loved the image I wanted to have of him, which was the exact opposite of what he was showing me by every lie he told.

You are correct that his lies and his lack of a relationship with God are related. My xh had the same problem. If someone can’t maintain a relationship with God, they will NOT be able to maintain a healthy one with those people around them. God is TRUTH, and this man you speak of knows nothing of the Truth.

Just because you made errors in your past is no reason to maintain a relationship with him. Maybe he will change. Maybe he won’t. But let him do it on his own time. If you are still available when he discovers the truth, then he can have a relationship. Pray for him, but change your phone number.

Until he learns to tell the truth, you do NOT have a relationship. A relationship has two people in it communicating honestly with each other. What you have is one person paying attention to another, who is paying attention to himself. And there is no real communication, only lies.

The worst lies aren’t the ones he is telling you. The worst lies are the ones you are telling yourself: That you don’t deserve better than a liar, that your gut instincts are worthless, that you can build a relationship where only one person loves God, that a man who does not live in the truth can change, that you have the power to do that to him. I could go on… but you get the point.

Five months is about the right amount of time for the worms to start crawling out from under the rocks if they exist. I wouldn’t spend another minute on him. His pleadings to keep the relationship going aren’t because he loves you. If he loved you, he wouldn’t lie to you. He just hasn’t found a replacement for you. Yet.

Once he does, the lies and the absences will start up again. And you will be crushed. And it will be worse the next time around, because you will blame yourself, not him.

Go to your mirror: Say outloud to that woman “You deserve a man who respects you enough to be truthful.”

But my dear, first you have to respect yourself enough to think you deserve such a man.

Take it from me. People are either honest or they are not. Avoid the dishonest ones, unless you want to live a lie also.

 

[Morwenna]

CK, I’m writing as someone who found out early in dating a man that he had outright lied to me (or withheld the whole truth on some subjects) for several months. Instead of pointing at the door and telling him to leave my parent’s house, I tried to be forgiving, ignore my hurt and the red flags and give him another chance.

I loved him.

So I ignored that gnawing feeling in the pit of my stomach and spoke to myself about Christian forgiveness.

He never stopped being a liar. And years later, as more lies came tumbling out, those early lies came back to sting twice as badly, because I had been warned and ignored that instinct that God gives to women for their own protection.

I realized I never did love him. I loved the image I wanted to have of him, which was the exact opposite of what he was showing me by every lie he told.

You are correct that his lies and his lack of a relationship with God are related. My xh had the same problem. If someone can’t maintain a relationship with God, they will NOT be able to maintain a healthy one with those people around them. God is TRUTH, and this man you speak of knows nothing of the Truth.

Just because you made errors in your past is no reason to maintain a relationship with him. Maybe he will change. Maybe he won’t. But let him do it on his own time. If you are still available when he discovers the truth, then he can have a relationship. Pray for him, but change your phone number.

Until he learns to tell the truth, you do NOT have a relationship. A relationship has two people in it communicating honestly with each other. What you have is one person paying attention to another, who is paying attention to himself. And there is no real communication, only lies.

The worst lies aren’t the ones he is telling you. The worst lies are the ones you are telling yourself: That you don’t deserve better than a liar, that your gut instincts are worthless, that you can build a relationship where only one person loves God, that a man who does not live in the truth can change, that you have the power to do that to him. I could go on… but you get the point.

Five months is about the right amount of time for the worms to start crawling out from under the rocks if they exist. I wouldn’t spend another minute on him. His pleadings to keep the relationship going aren’t because he loves you. If he loved you, he wouldn’t lie to you. He just hasn’t found a replacement for you. Yet.

Once he does, the lies and the absences will start up again. And you will be crushed. And it will be worse the next time around, because you will blame yourself, not him.

Go to your mirror: Say outloud to that woman “You deserve a man who respects you enough to be truthful.”

But my dear, first you have to respect yourself enough to think you deserve such a man.

Take it from me. People are either honest or they are not. Avoid the dishonest ones, unless you want to live a lie also.

:clapping: :tiphat: :bowdown2: :flowers: :clapping:

Liberanosamalo is one smart lady, CK. Listen to her! :yup: