Lying Boyfriend?

[KCtheMommy]

Sounds like holding onto him is your way of holding onto your “wicked past.” Of helping change another in some way to feel you have really changed yourself.

You can’t do it.

This guy sounds like a cad.

If you really want to live as a Catholic, and be treated with the dignity and respect you deserve, then it’s time to find a good CATHOLIC man.

You can’t change this – run.

As I was writing this post I needed to stop and change the baby and I remember something Dr. Laura said to a lady in your situation a few weeks ago. It was quite insightful. She was talking about how in private practice she would see women who chose to be with loser men like this for YEARS. One time she made an analogy to a patient and it was the only thing that finally made her change her mind and dump the loser. I’ll share it with you: (not verbatim – going on shaky memory here, but the point is clear)

“Let’s pretend there is a giant pile of poo, all kinds of poo from different sources, cows, humans, pigs, chickens, dogs, cats, etc – but you get the point – big PILE OF POOP. Now someone has told you that in that pile of poop is a tootsie roll. For whatever reason you have decided to keep digging in that pile of disgustingness in order to find that tiny Tootsie Roll. Are you going to keep digging in that pile? Why? It’s just poop, tons and tons of poop. For a tiny tootsie roll? Why bother?”

So on that I’ll leave you with my best wishes, and maybe Dr. Laura’s analogy will help you – maybe it won’t. God Bless.

 

[marietta]

*“Protestants are not lying, cheating alcoholics. They (we right now) have the same moral standards as Catholics.” *

To be fair, let’s understand something:

Some Protestants are lying, cheating alcoholics, and some Catholics, in spite of high moral standards, are also lying, cheating alcoholics. The percentages are low (most studies claim 10% of the population is alcoholic; I believe it’s higher), but alcoholism, dishonesty and infidelity do exist within Catholicism and every Protestant denomination, and can be found in every socio-economic, political and religious group in the world.

Interestingly, not every alcoholic cheats on his or her spouse. All the characteristics named in post number 37 (“noclevername”) do not necessarily go hand-in-in hand.

Alcoholism is an equal opportunity affliction.

marietta

 

[noclevername]

*“Protestants are not lying, cheating alcoholics. They (we right now) have the same moral standards as Catholics.” *

To be fair, let’s understand something:

Some Protestants are lying, cheating alcoholics, and some Catholics, in spite of high moral standards, are also lying, cheating alcoholics. The percentages are low (most studies claim 10% of the population is alcoholic; I believe it’s higher), but alcoholism, dishonesty and infidelity do exist within Catholicism and every Protestant denomination, and can be found in every socio-economic, political and religious group in the world.

Interestingly, not every alcoholic cheats on his or her spouse. All the characteristics named in post number 37 (“noclevername”) do not necessarily go hand-in-in hand.

Alcoholism is an equal opportunity affliction.

marietta

That wasn’t my question. The person posted that “unless you want to marry into a protestant family”… She was insinuating that Protestants are lying alcoholics and that Catholics aren’t.

 

[KCtheMommy]

Sorry - didn’t check date and realize this was an old thread. Forgive?

Hey maybe the analogy will work for someone else? LOL

 

[marietta]

KCtheMommy:

The phrase I’ve heard for years around AA that summarizes your story is:

“Sh*t stinks, but it’s warm.”

That’s why we stay. We believe that something that could be good is better than nothing. The fear and discomfort and dread and hassle of change is a huge, confusing challenge for a woman who has been demeaned beyond any sense of inherent goodness. But what’s the alternative?

I’ve stayed way beyond closing time in bad relationships. And the freedom experienced upon leaving is not so much a heady thing and an affirmation of self and an acceptance of the reality that if this can be done, then there must be so many other things that can be done - things that I never thought of doing. It’s called learning, and we don’t do it if we stop taking risks.

The best part is that underneath are the everlasting arms of God. That changes our view of risk: it’s not so much an insane free-fall as it is accepting His invitation to a better party.

marietta

 

[chevalier]

I want to tell you something I have learned over the years.

I am 37 years old and the most important thing I have learned is that people do not change. When I was in my 20’s, I had what I call the Cinderella Syndrome where you thing everything will be “happily ever after” but there is no such thing. When you are young, you think the guy will change or grow out of whatever he is doing. But when you get older like me, you realize that he will never change and you need to be smart up front and realize this.

You are so right on many levels… and yet consider one thing. Or two. Don’t men actually grow up? How many have converted to Catholicism from other religions or lack of one? Do men never get out of porn habits or alcoholic inclinations? They do sometimes. I have done some wrong things in my past that I don’t do. In this way I’ve changed. Or the Cinderella Syndrome you talk about. If women didn’t grow out of it, that is if they never changed, wouldn’t wise ladies fall for the same kind of “bad boy” the 20 year old so readily falls for? But obviously in this case, I wouldn’t count on sudden changes if the man doesn’t show any signs of improvement.

 

[marietta]

noclevername:

I wasn’t responding to a question from you. I was responding to your remarks with regard to alcoholism, religion and moral high ground.

I didn’t see any question in your posts.

marietta

 

[KCtheMommy]

KCtheMommy:

The phrase I’ve heard for years around AA that summarizes your story is:

“Sh*t stinks, but it’s warm.”

That’s why we stay. We believe that something that could be good is better than nothing. The fear and discomfort and dread and hassle of change is a huge, confusing challenge for a woman who has been demeaned beyond any sense of inherent goodness. But what’s the alternative?

I’ve stayed way beyond closing time in bad relationships. And the freedom experienced upon leaving is not so much a heady thing and an affirmation of self and an acceptance of the reality that if this can be done, then there must be so many other things that can be done - things that I never thought of doing. It’s called learning, and we don’t do it if we stop taking risks.

The best part is that underneath are the everlasting arms of God. That changes our view of risk: it’s not so much an insane free-fall as it is accepting His invitation to a better party.

marietta

Well thanks for the interesting addition to the analogy. I like the “it’s warm” part.

I am a “risk-taker” not a “sh*&-taker” so I must confess I have no patience for this sort of thing. I have prayers, and I have hope for you all, but no patience. I just can’t get it through my brain why anyone would stay in a horrible, abusive, or just plain STUPID situation. Life is TOO SHORT in my opinion.

I do understand what you are saying, and I have seen shining examples a lot in my life.

As I get older I find myself with less patience. I am not really happy with sitting by and watching someone dig through the poop, so I don’t. I wish them luck, include them in my prayers and send them on their way. I may be accused of not being charitable enough, but one thing I have learned is you can only help people in so far as they want to help themselves. Once I have offered my help, my advice, my (name removed by moderator)ut, and even my strength: I let it be. If people want my help and want to change, I’ll be there for you until the end. If you ignore it and stay in the poop you’re in – well have a nice life.

It’s a good way for me to live – after all I have a lot of kids to care for now. I want to make sure they grow up making good choices. I also don’t want them exposed to nonsense.

 

[noclevername]

noclevername:

I wasn’t responding to a question from you. I was responding to your remarks with regard to alcoholism, religion and moral high ground.

I didn’t see any question in your posts.

marietta

The first sentence in my post was a request for the poster to explain why she was insinuating that Protestants are alcholics and lie.

 

[mercygate]

Kitten, here’s a script for you. Deliver it in a calm, dispassionate tone without wiggle room. Do not engage in conversation or dialogue.

“Throgmorton, my decision was made after careful deliberation. It is final. Please do not call again.”

 

[marietta]

noclevername:

*“Please explain this statement you made” *is not a question.

No matter. “She was insinuating that Protestants are lying alcoholics and that Catholics aren’t.” I didn’t read it that way.

Some people do change. It may not be on your timetable, but those who want to grow have to make changes. Life deals bitter blows to everyone - we learn from them and change through experiencing them. I have been left in the dust for a lack of willingness to change; I’ve also had to leave one or two behind for their resistance to change, even their mockery of change.

Change is the lifeblood of our existence. Without it we are missing the journey. If you believe that people don’t change, then you must believe that you don’t change, either. Better to concentrate on bettering the self than ragging on others who haven’t caught up.

marietta

 

[mercygate]

noclevername:

*“Please explain this statement you made” *is not a question.

No matter. “She was insinuating that Protestants are lying alcoholics and that Catholics aren’t.” I didn’t read it that way.

Some people do change. It may not be on your timetable, but those who want to grow have to make changes. Life deals bitter blows to everyone - we learn from them and change through experiencing them. I have been left in the dust for a lack of willingness to change; I’ve also had to leave one or two behind for their resistance to change, even their mockery of change.

Change is the lifeblood of our existence. Without it we are missing the journey. If you believe that people don’t change, then you must believe that you don’t change, either. Better to concentrate on bettering the self than ragging on others who haven’t caught up.

marietta

The point of this thread has nothing to do with “protestants” or “catholics”; it has to do with a young man, who is by no means ready to sustain a growth-oriented relationship as an adult.

People change. Great. But there is a threshold of competence that is required even for beginning the approach to a committed life-long relationship.

 

[marietta]

mercygate:

Yes, yes, the thread has nothing to do with the drunkenness of protestants or the purity of Catholics. It was noclevername who brought all that into the thread; I was just addressing it briefly, as the point was the maturity factor, of course.

If one waits until the perfectly mature person comes along to marry, no one will ever marry. The ability to change a grow within the marriage, or the relationship is the point, no?

Why so peeved? Your mad is showing.

marietta

 

[lenni]

Hi Lenni,

Yes I dumped him, but he wouldn’t take a NO for an answer , he’s very dependent on me, and though it seemed that he wanted to just get over me, he can’t, so, I still talk to him, because I care about him and feel bad when he seems so desperate, but I know that we will never be together, it’s so obvious, so in that sense I’ve moved on, I just wish he could too…

I’m doing fine though, I feel no pain anymore after realizing how wrong it was of me to cling to that relationship, and that, well, until he doesn’t change for HIMSELF, there’d never be any future…

Thanks for caring Lenni! BIG HUG!

God Bless.

awwwww…thats good for you catholickitten!!!
i can tell God has more in store for you…so never loose faith!!lolz…
honestly, if i were in your situation, i would slowly cut the relationship down - due to the fact - he is still desperate to be with you! and to cut it off completely right now might cause you alot of pain…and prob. he would desire you more.
but its great to seee that you finally have peace of mind.
goodluck deary!!
your doing the right thing:thumbsup:

edit: o and i forgot to add - hugs Catholickitten

 

[stefina]

perhaps you two need time apart from one another… he sounds like he’s not sure what he wants, and I think that you should go the other way and becoming a stronger person without him. I know from experience what it’s like to be in a relationship like that, where he lies, gets drunk and makes you feel bad for something he did… he also acted like he was single aswell… and im so glad it ended, i know its hard at first, but trust me you will find someone much better who will treat you 100x better than that, I’ll be praying that you make the right choice and leave it in God hands:hug3:

 

[catholickitten]

perhaps you two need time apart from one another… he sounds like he’s not sure what he wants, and I think that you should go the other way and becoming a stronger person without him.

I ABSOLUTELY agree with you, and that’s EXACTLY what I’m gonna do.

The longer time passes by, the more I see things clearly and how they really are, it’s like there was an intense fog in front of my eyes that wouldn’t let me see what was in front of me, and the more I trusted God, the more the fog dissipated.

I agree with some posters in here who said that there are SOME people that do change… But I think he’s gonna have to make those changes on his own, and for himself, and hopefully someday he’ll rely on God for his healing.

But I gotta move on and do whatever God has in plan for me. If it’s to be with him, well, then God will find His way to put him in my way again and show me his real progress (but I won’t put any hopes on that to be honest).

But right now, I just won’t count on that and will just cut off contact with him. I think it’s the best since he doesn’t show any real sign of remorse or change, he just seems obsessed with me, like he has to have me as a trophy or something, and it seems that to obtain that, he will lie and promise heaven and earth to get it. Like someone mentioned here, dependency is NOT love.

I thank everybody SO much for the prayers, the advice and more than anything, the incredible support, without your prayers, I think this would’ve been so much harder.

Now… Group hug?

looks at Lenni to help start the super group hug