Lying, Drinking Fiance

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Hmm…interesting replies. I agree in the regard that you are not his wife – but you and he have children, and perhaps that is why you want things to work out. I would definitely postpone any wedding plans you have, and even go as far as to give him back the engagement ring. I would not give up on him, per se, but I would definitely tell him (if it were me) that you are not willing to move forward, as things stay the status quo. He needs to recommit to becoming sober not for you or the kids–but for himself…and most important for God. If someone only shapes up out of fear of losing others, then the effects won’t be long lasting. He might need counseling to get through why he is lying and drinking–again. I would take a step back, and not be an enabler, as others have said–but I wouldn’t close the door just yet. I would give it some time–but definitely put moving forward with marriage with him, on the back burner. I think in a few months, you will be able to tell if this really is a situation worth salvaging. If you didn’t have kids with him–or if he was like this for the entire four years, I would be offering different advice.

Just my two cents.:twocents:
 
I think the fact that she has children is why she needs to cut this guy loose. He is damaging her and his children. Perhaps losing all of that will be his “rock bottom.” Enough to motivate him to get clean and sober.

Once you have children, your needs become secondary, and what you want does not matter at all. You are obligated to provide them with the healthiest environment possible so that they can grow to their full potential and be functioning adults. Do you want your kids repeating their father’s pattern? Being the child of an alcoholic is very painful. People drink to excess and use drugs to dull their pain and avoid dealing with it. If you choose to give them a childhood full of the pain and damage that comes from coping with an alcoholic, then you choose to set them up for the same life their father is living. Not all kids of alcoholics grow up to abuse substances, but why make them pay the price, put all this unecessary pain into their lives? So they won’t lose their father? They’ve already lost him and probably never really had him.

I watch that series Intervention on A&E all the time. Usually there is a huge, obvious cause for the addiction in the person’s family of origin. DH and I are always saying, “duh, that would be why!” when we watch that show. However, people can make choices. They can choose not to deal with their pain that way. They can choose to stop and get help when they become a parent. This father chose to keep his drinking and not really be a father to his kids… so now their mother needs to choose to protect them until he gets sober and can be a positive influence on them, not just a source of damage and pain.
 
OregonKim said:
Thank for all your answers, I appreciate you taking time to help me.

It’s easy to say “leave him”. You might think that, but many of us have left alcoholics, drug users, abusers and ne’er-do-wells. But how can I just walk away? I would suggest he do the walking, unless he owns the house where you both reside. And change the locks after he leaves! I know we aren’t technically married, but I have poured my heart and soul into this as a wife (even if he hasn’t had the same devotion, and perhaps that’s part of the problem) and I think walking away would be giving up. Aren’t I supposed to help him? No! Nobody has made any legal, binding commitment here. He won’t even marry you. And if you think about it, you do not want to be married to this man. Aren’t I supposed to be his rock? NO! The Church does not teach that. There is no way you learned that RCIA; in fact, you probably learned that you shouldn’t be living with him at all until there are vows before a priest and two witnesses. How can I just give up what we have (a family) because he has issues. You don’t have a family. That’s just it. You have two adult people who live together, and the children they made. But you do not have a family. I’m not perfect…I know that you are all probably so right, I just can’t bring myself to accept it…Well, you are the only one who can change your situation. If you choose to continue to live with him, then whatever consequences result from that are yours. You need to either get tough, and do what you have to do, or stay there. Things will almost certainly not improve, but if that’s what you prefer, have at it.

Thanks again for your help, much love and my God bless you.
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Please go talk to your priest ASAP. Then find your local Alanon chapter. It would not hurt if you went to your local library and checked out the book Ten Stupid Things Women Do To Mess Up Their Lives by Dr. Laura. Please make sure you click on the link to the book and look at that back cover!

You are not doing your BF any favors by allowing him to do as he does to you. And please do NOT marry him!!! Think of your kids, really think of them, not about how lonely you will be, not what you really wanted to do, not how you want him to be. Think, in short, about the reality of the situation, and act accordingly.

I am telling you what I told my daughter, so don’t think I’m just some old bat who pops on here and gives advice at whim. God bless you, and your babies.
 
In my own defense duskyjewel, I am trying to do what’s best for my children. They are second in my life only to God. A reply in this thread

forums.catholic-questions.org/showthread.php?t=221970&highlight=coparenting

actually suggests that children of unhappy yet in tact marriage are better off than divorce. I know we aren’t married thus there would be no divorce, but regardless of the label you stick to it, in a child’s eyes, their parents not being together is all that matters. I also understand that our relationshhip isn’t exactly “in tact” but I am having such a hard time believing it’s over.
So, my quest for what’s best for my children (who, again in my defense, have always come before me) continues…
 
Your children are ages 1 and 2, and I think it’s probably in their best interest to make significant changes, if you’re going to make them, now rather than later.
 
OregonKim said:
In my own defense duskyjewel, I am trying to do what’s best for my children. They are second in my life only to God. A reply in this thread

forums.catholic-questions.org/showthread.php?t=221970&highlight=coparenting

actually suggests that children of unhappy yet in tact marriage are better off than divorce. I know we aren’t married thus there would be no divorce, but regardless of the label you stick to it, in a child’s eyes, their parents not being together is all that matters. I also understand that our relationshhip isn’t exactly “in tact” but I am having such a hard time believing it’s over.
So, my quest for what’s best for my children (who, again in my defense, have always come before me) continues…
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Suit yourself. Maybe next time…
 
OregonKim said:
Help me please! Am I being to controlling/demanding? Is it too much to ask for him to be home with me and his kids when he’s not working? At least most of the time? Isn’t that how responsible parents are supposed to act?
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My dear, the fact that you would even have to ask this question makes me seriously worry about your self-image/confidence. He is lying, drinks and doesn’t come home? And you question that you might be controlling or demanding? Of course you are NOT any of those things! You want to be in a healthy and loving relationship. What you describe is not healthy. I am so sorry for this.

Women who do this to themselves often come from backgrounds where there were some major issues. Please contact your priest right away and seek some counseling. Please do not think about marriage right now. Get out of this unhealthy relationship. I don’t care what you have done or didn’t do…you still don’t deserve this, no one does!
 
OutinChgoBurbs,
I find it insulting that you suggest what I have at home is not a family. Because we are not married? Do you think that marriage is what makes a family? There is a lot more that goes into making a family and that is part of why I am holding on so tight…this is my life we are talking about, not what I’ll have for dinner.
I have been living with my fiance for four yeasr and two kids later I found the church by the power of the Holy Spirit. I can’t send the kids back and tell my fiance to get his own place. I can only do right from here on out…
If you have to put a disclaimer about your advice at the bottom of your post, does this suggest that you receive an awful lot of “whoa-lady-chill-out-your-being-kind-of-cruel” replies? Just some food for thought.
I do thank you for taking the time to reply- God bless
 
Well, my dear, you asked for advice. I gave it. You take or not.

But certainly do not blame me, or dusky, or any of the other people who have tried to help you come to the realization that you do not have what the Church considers a family (with respect to your BF- NOT your children, who are of course your family) or a marriage. Please do not try to blame the folks in RCIA for your living arrangement.

You brought your problem to us, and we told you what we thought, for what it was worth. God’s peace be with you, and St. Michael protect you and your children.
 
kettle said:
Your children are ages 1 and 2, and I think it’s probably in their best interest to make significant changes, if you’re going to make them, now rather than later.
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Yes, that is certainly worth considering as there is less “damage” now than later…Thanks for replying and God bless.
 
hasikelee said:
Alcohol is a huge red flag in the preparation for marriage. Consider delaying the date or calling off the date altogether until you are 100% satisfied that he can eliminate his abusive and addictive behaviors.

You have several choices here:
  1. You can continue this relationship into marriage as-is. This historically means the problem will most likely get worse, and his behavior towards you and the kids will get worse.
  2. You can delay the marriage for as long as needed, until you feel that he has developed, resolved issues, come to an agreement, whatever. This could take a couple years.
  3. You can call off the engagement and break up with him.
Knowing only what you have told me in your post, I would personally choose #3. Alcoholism in a husband, with kids, is a horrible situation. The abuse your kids will experience, even indirectly, is something no mother would wish upon her kids, and you are at a point in your life where you can faithfully choose not to put your kids in this situation.

Breaking an engagement is not the same as divorce.
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This is very wise advice. Perhaps you are feeling the nudge of the Holy Spirit, who is warning you that your sobriety may be in danger if he continues to drink. My husband hid his alcoholism until after we were married. The first ten years of my marriage was a miserable train wreck. By the grace of God, he got sober and has been that way for ten years. But my kids were damaged. They still remember their dad sleeping in a puddle of his own vomit. They would check on him whenever he passed out to make sure he was still breathing. Worried little kids are heartbreaking.

My advice would be to live separate from each other, and see if he realizes what he stands to lose by his addiction.

I will keep you in my prayers, and BTW, Welcome HOME!
 
OutinChgoburbs said:
Well, my dear, you asked for advice. I gave it. You take or not.

But certainly do not blame me, or dusky, or any of the other people who have tried to help you come to the realization that you do not have what the Church considers a family (with respect to your BF- NOT your children, who are of course your family) or a marriage. Please do not try to blame the folks in RCIA for your living arrangement.

You brought your problem to us, and we told you what we thought, for what it was worth. God’s peace be with you, and St. Michael protect you and your children.
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I am not trying to blame anyone, for anything. Thanks for clarifying that my children are my family, perhaps that’s when I went on the defense…I do read an awfully rude tone in your posts. Please be kind or do not post here. Likely better off not posting anywhere as many people turn here for support, and encouraging advice. Not rude, obnoxious put downs.

“Blame the folks in RCIA” for my living arrangements??? Did you not read the part about being together with my fiance and children BEFORE joining the church. I didn’t see this as wrong before, now I do, but can’t change the past is all I meant…No blame.
 
OregonKim said:
I am not trying to blame anyone, for anything. Thanks for clarifying that my children are my family, perhaps that’s when I went on the defense…I do read an awfully rude tone in your posts. Please be kind or do not post here. Likely better off not posting anywhere as many people turn here for support, and encouraging advice. Not rude, obnoxious put downs.
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That is not up to you, but the mods.

I am sorry you think I have been rude. It was not meant to be rude. Better somebody tells you the truth instead of what you want to hear. And if the mods want to call me on that, they may. And at this point I have over 4,000 posts, so I have been here a while.
 
lizaanne said:
With all due respect - you are NOT a wife. You are a girlfriend. That’s all. There is no sacrament there. Do you have a lot invested in this? Sure you do. But that’s the past. Now you are moving forward, and you need to look to the future.

Read the title you chose for this discussion. Do you want that to read “Lying, Drinking Husband” in a couple of years and be here asking us what to do then?
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Thanks for being tough yet kind. Your advice is much appreciated. God bless.
 
OregonKim said:
OutinChgoBurbs,
I find it insulting that you suggest what I have at home is not a family. Because we are not married? Do you think that marriage is what makes a family? There is a lot more that goes into making a family and that is part of why I am holding on so tight…this is my life we are talking about, not what I’ll have for dinner.
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With all due respect, what exactly makes your lying, drunken fiancee (your words, not mine) a part of your family? Is he active in rearing the children? Is he loving, dedicated, attentive, gentle, kind, responsible, respectful, dependable, trustworthy, and available to you and the children? Is this how you want to live the rest of your life? Is this the life you want your children to have to endure for the next 16 or more years?

:confused:
 
Since you now know it is wrong to live with someone to whom you aren’t married and to drag your children into a life with a lying drunk what keeps you from dumping him?

CDL
 
kettle said:
Is this the life you want your children to have to endure for the next 16 or more years?
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Of course not. I guess I am waiting for him to want this as much as I do. By quitting the lying and drinking and all the disrespect involved.

You are all so helpful. Although I am starting to feel like a bit of a dud myself…Am I really so blind?

Much love to you all.
 
OregonKim said:
Of course not. I guess I am waiting for him to want this as much as I do. By quitting the lying and drinking and all the disrespect involved.

I think it’s possible that could happen…but not probable. I would like to think that if I were in your shoes that I would leave him and pray that he does a 180. Then I MIGHT consider dating him again and potentially marrying him since he would still be my kids’ daddy. But I would not stay. If I was just thinking of myself I might, but not once I had little ones to think of.

You are all so helpful. Although I am starting to feel like a bit of a dud myself…Am I really so blind?
**
Sadly, you probably are that blind. You are probably the last one who can see this situation for what it is simply because you are so emotionally involved. You love this man. He is father to your children. You want to desperately for it to change. I truly pray that it does.**

Much love to you all.
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