Lying, Drinking Fiance

[hasikelee]

Of course not. I guess I am waiting for him to want this as much as I do. By quitting the lying and drinking and all the disrespect involved.

You are all so helpful. Although I am starting to feel like a bit of a dud myself…Am I really so blind?

Much love to you all.

Well, the crux of the issue is how much of his behavior is simply choosing to be bad and how much is a serious character defect, possible mental illness or addiction?

I don’t think it’s outrageous to say that everyone lies. But, some people are born, compulsive liars. Expecting a compulsive liar to change so you can marry him won’t end well.

Same with alcohol. Gosh, I know tons of young adults who drink themselves to oblivion, but are they alcoholics? The majority of them will probably, at some point, grow up and move on, hopefully before they kill someone, get arrested or destroy their liver. But what about the few who aren’t simply playing around? What about the ones who have a disease, a true addiction, that will plague them for a lifetime?

Also, remember that your situation asks for more nobility and higher standards. Perhaps two young adults can choose to involve themselves for several years in abusive relationships, alcohol addiction and differing morals. That is up to the individual. Someone who takes a gamble on a person might get lucky.

For you, it’s not a gamble of yourself. You are gambling your kids, betting your kids that he will turn out okay and beat the odds. Do you really want to up the ante?

 

[RWMorris]

You need to dump this guy. And NOW. He is no good for you to try to have a family with. You would be better off waiting for a good Catholic husband who would help you raise those sweet children, than one who drinks and lies and won’t help, won’t show up on time, etc.
Seriously, do you need this life?

 

[puzzleannie]

Aren’t I supposed to help him? Aren’t I supposed to be his rock? How can I just give up what we have (a family) because he has issues. .

no you are not supposed to be his rock, that is God’s role. Do you really think enabling an alcoholic his helpful? If you do, please contact Al Anon immediately and learn the truth.

 

[mamacita]

Welcome home to the Church!!! :extrahappy: :dancing: I was curious, what brought you to the conversion? That’s so awesome!!

About your fiance, I have no advice to offer. Just prayers for you. I would make him go to counseling w/ you before any marriage occurs. It sounds like he needs help, big time!! And yes, to answer your question, he should be at home taking on the responsibilities of being a father (and fiance) when he is not at work.

 

[Nordar]

As a parent you are responsible for having your children live in a stable environment. You can make all the excuses you want as to why you can’t end this. You will not make him stop drinking if he is an alcoholic, living with or having an alcoholic parent in your childrens lives is detremental to their welfare. They deserve better, and you as the parent need to give them that. By staying in this relationship you are quite simply enabling him to continue his destruction. You should take the advise given to you and go to Al-Anon.

 

[Sina]

I grew up in a household with an alcoholic mother and father. I made a vow to never marry someone that I knew was an alcoholic. I never ever wanted to live in a house like that ever again.

I mean no disrespect as you said you had issues too with alcohol, but do you want to deal with his issues ( on top of your own ) and bring that into each others lives, for the rest of your lives?

 

[anamchara]

About your fiance, I have no advice to offer. Just prayers for you. I would make him go to counseling w/ you before any marriage occurs.It sounds like he needs help, big time!! And yes, to answer your question**, he should be at home taking on the responsibilities of being a father (and fiance) when he is not at work.**

The thing is, he should **want **to be at home with his kids and future wife. If we take the drinking out of this, we still have what sounds like a man who hasn’t grown up.

 

[duskyjewel]

To jump off of Sina’s post… My best friend had 2 alcoholic parents. The marriage broke down when the mom went to AA and got sober. She realized that if she was serious about her own recovery, she had to get away from people who enabled, fed, or participated in her addiction. Even if that was her husband, who refused to get healthy. He became abusive when he realized she was serious. But she knew she needed to get herself and her kids out of there, for her recovery and for their health and safety. She did, and moved across the country. It was hard to have my friend so far away, but now that I am a mother, I respect her mom’s decision. It really was necessary. She couldn’t have them with an unpredictable father who drank and smoked weed all the time. And she needed to stay healthy for her girls, and not be dragged back into addiction by him, or by some misguided idea that a terrible father was better than no father.

 

[mamacita]

The thing is, he should **want **to be at home with his kids and future wife. If we take the drinking out of this, we still have what sounds like a man who hasn’t grown up.

You are correct!! I know that if it were me in OP’s shoes, I would leave him, but that is because I saw similar stuff go on when I was a child and wouldn’t ever put my own kids through that.

OP, Please put your kids first. Don’t stay w/ him for their sake because it really isn’t good for the kids, take it from someone who had a similar situation occur to them.