Lying Sister

[Hi101]

Hi, I’ve been having problems with my sister for years. She doesn’t lie about everything but does often lie when telling the truth will get her in trouble. Shes 21 right now. She also tends to make things up and I think she actually believes her lies now. Either that or shes just lying to me again.

For example, many years ago she told me that God made her more special than I. Obviously I wasn’t very happy when she told me this and I held a grudge against her over the years in addition to the fact that she continuously lied to me for no reason, such as pretending not to hear me when I’m talking to her. Well I confronted her about what she said several years later and she twisted what happened and said basically she only said that because I was accusing her of being arrogant, which is completely untrue. I accused her of that AFTER she told me she was more special. She blamed me for her saying something like that which I find ridiculous.

And basically she said that I had a problem for holding a grudge this long and that she has been compassionate towards me and thinks I have problems of my own but am taking it out on her. She said something along the lines of “I willingly suffer you talking bad about me because I know you have problems of your own. You don’t know how compassionate I have been towards you.” To which I replied that she has literally told me that God made her better than me and that she lies continuosly and has even accused other people of wrongs they never committed(I believed her until I found out what a liar she was). And then she replies with “I am not that kind of person. I would never do that. You have unresolved issues which I’m patiently suffering.”

Another incident which I am very angry about is the fact that I BELIEVE that she jumped on my injured foot on purpose. I want people to know that I can’t prove she did it on purpose and I know its possible she didn’t but I highly doubt that. Please advise me if I’m wrong about this. Basically I was sitting on the ground watching TV with my legs spread out and with a splint recovering from torn tendons. My sister literally walks into the room stops right in front of my foot. Decides to “jump over” my foot but lands on my foot with the splint. I yell in pain and she just looks at me and doesnt say a thing. I ask her why she decided to jump over my foot in an angry tone and she said I made a joke to her which made her think my foot was all fine. I dont recall having ever talked to her at all before she came into the room and jumped on my foot. And then I asked her why she didn’t say sorry and she said because she thought I was kidding since she assumed my foot was fine. I think shes lying through her teeth but she says it with such a straight face I think she believes it. I don’t get how the heck she could say she thought my foot was fine when she saw me walking around with crutches with a splint on my ankle. My only explanation is that shes lying and jumped on my foot on purpose. I have no idea why she even decided to try to jump over my foot instead of walking around it. There was plenty of space around us. I don’t know about you guys but if a guy had a splint around his ankle I wouldn’t try to jump over it. And lets just say I did try, I don’t think it’s that hard to jump over one leg. She says I’m messed up for even accusing her of something like this. Again tells me what a caring person she is and how messed up I am.

I am really angry with how she lies to me with a straight face all the time. And implies that she has to suffer my criticisms(claims im making this all up in my mind because I need someone to blame other than myself for being unhappy) and health problems because she needs extra crosses from God since she received special blessings. She experiences nauseau about twice a month which is the worst thing she has(has never had to go to the hospital in the past 12 years at least). Ive worked with people who have much worse conditions than her and dont think that way. I don’t know what to do. I pray everyday but it doesn’t reallly help with my patience concerning this matter. Thanks

 

[Miserissima]

Welcome to CAF. Have a zebra cake.

This situation sounds tough.

Whenever I feel like I’m being gaslighted, I start to document these events and conversations.

Also, a dear member on this forum has this as their signature, " Don’t say: “That person gets on my nerves.” Think: “That person sanctifies me.” St. Josemaria Escriva"

That helps me to change my perspective a bit.

 

[Ophelia23]

Welcome to CAF. Have a zebra cake.

This situation sounds tough.

Whenever I feel like I’m being gaslighted, I start to document these events and conversations.

Also, a dear member on this forum has this as their signature, " Don’t say: “That person gets on my nerves.” Think: “That person sanctifies me.” St. Josemaria Escriva"

That helps me to change my perspective a bit.

I have two siblings, one of whom habitually lies as well. He spent much of our youth trying to tear me down, and much of our adulthood trying to manipulate situations and telling lies. But I know he is doing it. I have given up the need to prove his dishonesty, and have really learned to shrug it off. I love him, and I just don’t let him get to me. I suppose that isn’t the greatest of advice because I can’t tell you how I’ve gotten to that point… but the bolded quote above really captures it. Meditate on that.

 

[Xantippe]

Can you cut down on your sister time? Life is too short to spend time around people who lie and mess with your sense of reality.

With the foot thing, I would assume that she was thinking that you must be faking your injury because that’s something she would do.

 

[Cricket2]

If your sister is lying all the time, is inclined to intentionally injure others (as suggested by what she did to you), and constantly reports that somehow she is “particularly special to God”, while you or other are not, you have a much more serious problem than her being a liar.

Assuming that all you report is very honest and objective on your part I get the impression your sister needs professional help and is probably a sociopath, pathological liar and suffering from delusions of grandeur. These are not good things at all. Sadly, you are probably the last one that could suggest she get professional help.

So, work on changing how you respond to your sister. The next time she lies, and I mean no matter who is there, simply confront her right then and state: “That is a lie.” Then walk away. Every single time she lies to you or about you and you are there to hear this lie call her out on it with that simple statement AND action. Don’t argue with her or defend yourself at that time.

IF she ever intentionally hits you, injures you…press assault charges against her. This may be very hard to do, but if you know for certain that her actions where intentional this may be the best thing you can do. Call her out on her actions and let the law hold her responsible. Let’s just say I had to warn one of my siblings after one incident about their behavior. I let my whole family know that if I ever had a problem again they would land up (the sibling) in jail. I meant it, and guess what I never had a problem again.

So take some time to sit quietly and jot down what you will accept and not accept from your sister in terms of behavior and lying. Decide what your RATIONAL response will be for each possible issue and then stick to it. Stop engaging her in arguments or contests of will, you won’t get anywhere. If you have to ignore her, if you must walk away, confront the lies head on, but you remain calm and logical and honest.

 

[Hi101]

Thanks for the advice everyone. In response to cricket2, the good thing is that the foot incident is the only one where she has deliberately tried to injure me seriously with malice. We’ve pushed and shoved each other out of anger before but thats nothing too big imo.

Also, I have already tried the “thats a lie” tactic. My sister has admitted to very few lies. IMO at least part of it has to do with the fact that she twists the story to where it makes sense that she was telling the truth. She actually takes St. Josemarias advice more than actually admitting to lying. The more I tell her she lies, the more she thinks shes being sanctified. Didn’t know that at first. I thought I was actually making her feel guilty for calling her out. But turns out she only feels guilty cause I make her feel bad, not because she did the actual act of lying, and she believes this wrongful accusation and guilt at “not doing anything wrong” sanctifies her. Looks like she beat me to the “that person santifies me” part first lol.

I like the quote by St. Josemaria and have found another one which I think applies to me.
"“You were very hurt at being slighted. That means you are forgetting too easily who you are.”

I think both quotes by st. josemaria are very helpful. It’s hard though. It’s very easy to get angry when someone lies to you and thinks they’re taking the high road of being sanctified when you accuse them of lying.

 

[Xantippe]

How about, “I believe that you think that’s true, sis.”

 

[sallybutler]

You might want to try humor or validating her imagination.

“Wow, that’s a good one. You really should be a writer.”

“Have you thought of making that into a short story. Of course, you’ll want to change the names so you don’t upset …” insert name here.

I did that with my daughter when she was much younger than your sister. It redirected her imagination. I didn’t label her a liar, so she eventually outgrew the practice. It will be harder because your sister’s habits have become more a part of her. But maybe she will tone it down around you once she stops getting negative attention from you.

 

[EasterJoy]

If she lies to you all the time, then don’t believe what she says. Charity does not require us to put trust in the untrustworthy.

As for her reformation, she is not yours to reform, and for this you ought to be thankful. Bear her wrongs patiently and give her advice when it is solicited. When it is not, consider it unlikely that her repentance will come thorough any wise words from you. The truth is, even if she asks your advice, your best advice is to send her to someone else whom you hold in high regard. “A prophet is not without honor, except in his own home and among his own people.” Practice the spiritual and corporal works of mercy yourself, and pray for whoever it is who does have spiritual authority over her. After that, give her few opportunities to harm you and enjoy her good qualities as best you can. When you have to extend forbearance towards her, count it as penance towards the remission of your own sins. You won’t go wrong with that.