Lying to my children?

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iamrefreshed

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Short version. My wife of 17 years told me last year that her father had sexually abused her when she was a young teen. We now live about 1000 miles away. We have not seen him since my wife told me. My children do not know. They speak to him a couple of times a year if he’s around when my MIL calls. Wife and I have not spoken to him in two years (he’s never ever called, how odd is that?!)

How do I handle the questions from my children why we never see them?
 
You say something on the order of “Grandpa and Mommy do not have a good relationship. Rather than aggrievate Mommy or Grandpa, we just don’t visit there or invite them here.”
Never tell a lie to the children; it too often comes back to haunt you in lack of trust.

Matthew
 
drafdog said:
You say something on the order of “Grandpa and Mommy do not have a good relationship. Rather than aggrievate Mommy or Grandpa, we just don’t visit there or invite them here.”
Never tell a lie to the children; it too often comes back to haunt you in lack of trust.

Matthew
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Agreed…
Tell the truth… in a simplified version. Kids don’t need details… just basic answers.
 
iamrefreshed said:
Short version. My wife of 17 years told me last year that her father hadHow do I handle the questions from my children why we never see them?
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simply tell a modified version of the truth appropriate to their age. Grandpa was very unkind to mommy when she was growing up and she does not want to see him now. Older teens should probably be told the full truth, especially if there is any chance they will try to seek him out
 
puzzleannie said:
simply tell a modified version of the truth appropriate to their age. Grandpa was very unkind to mommy when she was growing up and she does not want to see him now. Older teens should probably be told the full truth, especially if there is any chance they will try to seek him out
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They are older teens.

He is very unhealthy (2 quad bypasses and countless angios). It’s terrible to say, and causing me great grief over the state ou my soul, but I’m hoping he passes away so I don’t have to hurt my children. He’s caused enough pain in my family already.
 
in addition to telling them the truth (and lies almost always backfire later on) it is also an excellent opportunity to join as a family in praying for his conversion before his impending death, and for his soul after death, and having a frank discussion on the topic of forgiveness, how difficult it is, the effects of holding on to lifelong resentments even when justified, and so forth. Note for example that forgiveness is about one’s own internal state of mind, not about the offender, and in no way implies acceptance or denial of the offense and its gravity. there is something else that comes to mind in re-reading OP. If your wife told you this for the first time last year, it means the issue has risen to an overriding point in her mind, and it is up to you to help her through this time, even with professional help if necessary. There is much more going on than simply what to tell the kids.
 
If the children are older teens, then they should be told the whole truth, however unpalatable that may be.
The problem of dealing with Grandfather’s impending death is another issue entirely. Talk to the young adults about forgiveness as distinct from separating oneself from a dangerous or uncomfortable situation. Have the family pray for Grandpa.

Matthew
 
puzzleannie said:
in addition to telling them the truth (and lies almost always backfire later on) it is also an excellent opportunity to join as a family in praying for his conversion before his impending death, and for his soul after death, and having a frank discussion on the topic of forgiveness, how difficult it is, the effects of holding on to lifelong resentments even when justified, and so forth. Note for example that forgiveness is about one’s own internal state of mind, not about the offender, and in no way implies acceptance or denial of the offense and its gravity. there is something else that comes to mind in re-reading OP. If your wife told you this for the first time last year, it means the issue has risen to an overriding point in her mind, and it is up to you to help her through this time, even with professional help if necessary. There is much more going on than simply what to tell the kids.
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You are correct about the issue and its affect on my wife. This ate at her for years until she finally broke down. She abused herself very badly and in turn nearly destroyed our marriage. We have weathered the worst of it with much counseling and prayer. We have gutted this out and borne more pain that I’d like to recollect.

What I don’t want to do is have my children bear any pain. Will they look at their mother differently? If told, it would obviously destroy their image of their grandfather. It’s my children I am concerned about, not him.
 
iamrefreshed said:
What I don’t want to do is have my children bear any pain. Will they look at their mother differently? If told, it would obviously destroy their image of their grandfather. It’s my children I am concerned about, not him.
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they are already bearing the pain of the trouble that has been on-going in your marriage. I am not concerned with him either, particularly, except as regards to what you tell them about him, and of course in a general way for his soul, as for that of anyone who has sinned. I am concerned for your wife, who is asking for help, and hoping she is getting it. The best thing you can do for your children is to get help for your wife, including family counselling if necessary. This is a wound that hurts not only the victim, but the whole family, even the next generation, as you are discovering. Forgiveness is a great thing, but she is a long way from that. we will be praying for all of you.
 
**I personally believe that children of abused parents SHOULD NOT be told the details until they are adults. I suggest counselling in order to figure out just how much to tell them. After all, you can always add details but, once out of your mouth, they can’t be put back.

I really don’t want to elaborate on a public forum but feel free to PM me if you want.

malia
**
 
I agree with FW that what and how you tell the children should be in the context of family counselling and professional advice. keeping it from them forever however, will, in my experience, be damaging.
 
Puzzleannie, along with everyone else, has given excellent advice. On top of that let me say that your kids already know that something, they might not know what, is wrong.

Keeping this a secret is not good for anyone in your family. SIt down and discuss this with your kids. They will not see your wife in a negative light, although they might view her with sympathy.

.
 
I told my children about my sexual abuse when they were nearly grown. It is not something I’d recommend doing again. It made them feel helpless and angry for a long time. If I had it to do over, I would have kept it to myself, seriously. They don’t need to carry that burden until they are grown. And I should have especially assured them that I was “over” it, although I probably never will be totally over the scars.
I don’t know if this advice will work for everyone but my children are so dependent on me and my DH that anything can rock the boat. They are very sensitive to what makes me unhappy and I shouldn’t have put this on their shoulders.
 
RWMorris said:
I told my children about my sexual abuse when they were nearly grown. It is not something I’d recommend doing again. It made them feel helpless and angry for a long time. If I had it to do over, I would have kept it to myself, seriously. They don’t need to carry that burden until they are grown. And I should have especially assured them that I was “over” it, although I probably never will be totally over the scars.
I don’t know if this advice will work for everyone but my children are so dependent on me and my DH that anything can rock the boat. They are very sensitive to what makes me unhappy and I shouldn’t have put this on their shoulders.
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My mother was sexually abused but she told me this when I was very young. I think that made it easier for me to deal with. I never felt like I was carrying her abuse on my own shoulders but it has helped me understand her actions more. I wonder if the child’s age has a difference in how this is handled.:confused:
 
RWMorris said:
I told my children about my sexual abuse when they were nearly grown. It is not something I’d recommend doing again. It made them feel helpless and angry for a long time. If I had it to do over, I would have kept it to myself, seriously. They don’t need to carry that burden until they are grown. And I should have especially assured them that I was “over” it, although I probably never will be totally over the scars.
I don’t know if this advice will work for everyone but my children are so dependent on me and my DH that anything can rock the boat. They are very sensitive to what makes me unhappy and I shouldn’t have put this on their shoulders.
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Thanks for sharing that with me. It’s helpful. If we tell them I want it to be for a good reason. Not because we want them to know that he was a monster.

I can’t seem to think of a reason to tell them that would justify the pain I know they would feel.

Maybe the best thing my wife an I can do is to let his abuse die with us?
 
iamrefreshed said:
Thanks for sharing that with me. It’s helpful. If we tell them I want it to be for a good reason. Not because we want them to know that he was a monster.

I can’t seem to think of a reason to tell them that would justify the pain I know they would feel.

Maybe the best thing my wife an I can do is to let his abuse die with us?
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I was getting ready to post this when I read your post. I think this is a good approach. I was trying to figure out how to explain it, but you did a better job than I was going to do.

In some situations its good to tell your kids what happened to help them avoid having it happen to them (and this approach may not always be the best either), but since you are their dad, you know its not going to happen to them in that way, and if your fil is far away and ill and there is no chance he will be alone with your children, then you wouldn’t need to tell them for that reason either. The only effects telling them would have seem to be pain for what their mother has gone through and ill feelings for their grandfather. I see no positive in that. I agree with the poster that mentioned praying for his conversion before death, but they don’t need to know what he did, or that he did anything, in order to do that.
 
I think you should probably discuss with your counselor the right way to tell them. I have a friend that was sexually abused by her brother, and she has recently shared this with her two teen daughters to help them understand the problems that she is having with her family and to understand her better as a person. They have grown a lot closer as a result.

I also think talking about it is good; it brings it into the light which makes it lose a lot of its power. It also will help your children should they ever encounter a similar situation themselves. That was they will never be hostages to shame themselves.
 
If I may, I would like to ask a general question to those who posted that you would tell the children about the sexual abuse. Once a child is an adult, should they be told everything like this? Should they know many of the mistakes/bad traits/abusive behaviors of their parents and other relatives? Or should they be told only the things of a serious nature, like sexual abuse?

I ask because my mother told me many things about my father, her father and her step father while she and my dad were going through their divorce. Honestly, I could live without almost all of the knowledge she told me in her effort to “help” me.
 
I don’t really have much advice on this topic. I read the title, and thought it would be a thread about Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, and the Tooth Fairy. This, however, is a little more serious.

I agree that it would be wrong to lie to your children. After that, I don’t feel qualified to comment.
 
ElizabethAnne said:
If I may, I would like to ask a general question to those who posted that you would tell the children about the sexual abuse. Once a child is an adult, should they be told everything like this? Should they know many of the mistakes/bad traits/abusive behaviors of their parents and other relatives? Or should they be told only the things of a serious nature, like sexual abuse?

I ask because my mother told me many things about my father, her father and her step father while she and my dad were going through their divorce. Honestly, I could live without almost all of the knowledge she told me in her effort to “help” me.
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That is something all together different. When one parent, usually in a divorce situation, does that to a child, it is called parental alienation and is actually a form of child abuse. It is important that children at least have the opportunity of having a loving relationship with both of their parents, without having all of their flaws constantly being brought to the surface.

That is also one of the reasons I had suggested talking to a counselor about the right way to address it with the teens. If done in the wrong way, it could probably have a negative outcome. Consulting with a family counselor can help ensure that it is done right.
 
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