L
Liberanosamalo
Guest
My big question is: What is served by telling?
In the case of children and their own parents, they still have to deal with them every day. Their behavior before, during and after a divorce will continue to affect children. Behavior patterns may continue and talking to the children can put things in perspective. If the children know the behavior existed far before a divorce, it helps them not blame themselves for things or take it personally.
But with a grandparent who is in ill health… he is in no position to hurt the children. His eventual death will in a way set the abuse victim “free.” What good comes from having the idea that something like that lurked in the family? Is it enough to know that mommy didn’t get along with her father too well? And pray for his soul, he needs it? Is that transferring a burden to the shoulders of children… that they can’t do anything about anyway. And children tend to talk about things that disturb them. Do you want it being spread to their best friend, who tells their parent or best friend? Then the OP’s wife will wonder now “who knows?” Children have a way of unburdening themselves of horrible secrets (or if they don’t, you are putting a horrible secret on their own shoulders and just perpetuating the burden, I think.)
Maybe letting it die with that generation is the brave and strong thing to do. But then always be forthright in making sure your children are never victimized themselves.
I remember growing up with the knowlege that some older generational relatives did some things (not in that specific category) and it cast a pall on my view of my family history. Our parents and grandparents came from generations that didn’t unburden themselves on us about everything. In some ways that wasn’t good, but in other ways it was helpful. As one pp said, there is a lot I could go through life without knowing and it would be better that way.
In the case of children and their own parents, they still have to deal with them every day. Their behavior before, during and after a divorce will continue to affect children. Behavior patterns may continue and talking to the children can put things in perspective. If the children know the behavior existed far before a divorce, it helps them not blame themselves for things or take it personally.
But with a grandparent who is in ill health… he is in no position to hurt the children. His eventual death will in a way set the abuse victim “free.” What good comes from having the idea that something like that lurked in the family? Is it enough to know that mommy didn’t get along with her father too well? And pray for his soul, he needs it? Is that transferring a burden to the shoulders of children… that they can’t do anything about anyway. And children tend to talk about things that disturb them. Do you want it being spread to their best friend, who tells their parent or best friend? Then the OP’s wife will wonder now “who knows?” Children have a way of unburdening themselves of horrible secrets (or if they don’t, you are putting a horrible secret on their own shoulders and just perpetuating the burden, I think.)
Maybe letting it die with that generation is the brave and strong thing to do. But then always be forthright in making sure your children are never victimized themselves.
I remember growing up with the knowlege that some older generational relatives did some things (not in that specific category) and it cast a pall on my view of my family history. Our parents and grandparents came from generations that didn’t unburden themselves on us about everything. In some ways that wasn’t good, but in other ways it was helpful. As one pp said, there is a lot I could go through life without knowing and it would be better that way.