Maid Of Honor...Moral Obligations

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Hi All,
My “best friend” will be getting married this Nov and it has been decided that I am to be her maid of honor and only bridesmaid…
She has already bought my dress which she says is my maid of honor gift.

Here is to the “best friend” thing…
We met in high school and were inseparable during our junior and senior year.
We went to the same college and too were inseparable until our sophomore year when she met her fiance. Now I COMPLETELY understand once you meet that special someone things change but boy did they ever.
I had a lot of family problems (and still do) during the rest of my college years and had no real support from her. Yeah, we would text about and meet up every once in awhile but she never said “you can come over here and stay to get away from it” or “lets go out to a park to talk”. Nothing. She was too busy with her fiance. She basically just said life is rough.
Her Dad has recently passed away from cancer and when it was time, I asked if she wanted me to come to the hospital and she said no. I could of gone yes, but I did not want to impose, especially because her Mom, brothers and fiance were there. (She is not Catholic by the way).
Her fiance and I have spoken probably all of 50 words if that in the 4 years they have been together and I have tried but I get this weird feeling from him…
Anyway…why Im posting this…a week ago I asked her if she wanted to get lunch after I got out of mass. She said yes on Saturday then on Sunday said no because she was not feeling well…
I said OK well how about on the 30th we go to lunch. She said OK. Now its she cant because she NEEDS to go where he fiance lives to pick up her wedding bands and pay the deposit…I dont think there is a NEED I think its a WANT…its really frustrating me.

Im tired of plans being made and then cancelled…
What are my moral obligations to being her maid of honor? In my opinion, maid of honors are your best friends and to me she is not acting like one. I think she could of have told her fiance NO, I already made plans, we can get the rings another time…

Am I being too sensitive?
 
I think your friend has a lot of growing up to do, and it sounds like she expects you to dance to her tune. And in true friendship it shouldn’t become an accounting problem of who did how much for whom, but honestly it sounds like this “friend” is a taker with a sense of entitlement.

So instead of asking yourself if you are too sensitive, you need to ask yourself “Am I being honest and assertive enough?”. You need to not let this friend take advantage of you. Find a way to tactfully voice to her just what you’ve described above, along with the question of why she even wants you to be her maid of honor when she doesn’t seem to value you for who you are as a person, but more like a means to an end. Read a book on assertiveness if you need to learn some skills and techniques in this area.

Try to learn more about what healthy friendships should be in terms of give and take and mutual support, truly caring for one another, and don’t accept crummy friendships where there’s little or no respect for you for who you are. From what you describe, she doesn’t even seem all that eager to hang out - unless she has something she wants from you.

You can “demote” someone like this to the status of “acquaintance” or “casual friend” and distance yourself from her, whilst cultivating more equitable friendships with more mature, less self-centered people.
 
scc11 said:
Hi All,
My “best friend” will be getting married this Nov and it has been decided that I am to be her maid of honor and only bridesmaid…
She has already bought my dress which she says is my maid of honor gift.

Here is to the “best friend” thing…
We met in high school and were inseparable during our junior and senior year.
We went to the same college and too were inseparable until our sophomore year when she met her fiance. Now I COMPLETELY understand once you meet that special someone things change but boy did they ever.
I had a lot of family problems (and still do) during the rest of my college years and had no real support from her. Yeah, we would text about and meet up every once in awhile but she never said “you can come over here and stay to get away from it” or “lets go out to a park to talk”. Nothing. She was too busy with her fiance. She basically just said life is rough.
Her Dad has recently passed away from cancer and when it was time, I asked if she wanted me to come to the hospital and she said no. I could of gone yes, but I did not want to impose, especially because her Mom, brothers and fiance were there. (She is not Catholic by the way).
Her fiance and I have spoken probably all of 50 words if that in the 4 years they have been together and I have tried but I get this weird feeling from him…
Anyway…why Im posting this…a week ago I asked her if she wanted to get lunch after I got out of mass. She said yes on Saturday then on Sunday said no because she was not feeling well…
I said OK well how about on the 30th we go to lunch. She said OK. Now its she cant because she NEEDS to go where he fiance lives to pick up her wedding bands and pay the deposit…I dont think there is a NEED I think its a WANT…its really frustrating me.

Im tired of plans being made and then cancelled…
What are my moral obligations to being her maid of honor? In my opinion, maid of honors are your best friends and to me she is not acting like one. I think she could of have told her fiance NO, I already made plans, we can get the rings another time…

Am I being too sensitive?
Click to expand...
I don’t see how you’d have a moral obligation here. What needs to be avoided are lies and sins of that nature.

Disruptions such as these may necessarily warrant sin, but I think you need to make your feelings clear to her.
 
With the utmost respect for your feelings and recent experience with your friend, I think you might reconsider your position.

First of all, she is experiencing a devistation within her family considering her dad.

Secondly, this wedding coming up is a huge thing for a young woman. I’m sure you know that.

Third, she is trying to juggle many things that you aren’t a part of anymore. That is a bummer, because you were accustomed to being such a huge part of her life. But you aren’t now and that comes naturally as she has moved into a different phase of her life. This must leave you a bit saddened as it is sort of a “loss” for you.

However; think of the long term for a minute. Do you want to look back and realize that in this time of turmoil and change, you might have let her down? Just because she isn’t being the type of friend to you that you were used to, do you have to reciprocate?

Even if your relationship with your friend never develops into something greater in the future, you will still want to hold your head high knowing that you were there for her. This is the mark of a true friend and it sounds like she really needs an example right now. This is especially important considering you’re Catholic. Our example is important and looked at quite frequently.

Hope this helps a little.:rolleyes:
 
I still maintain that this bride is immature and the OP maid of honor is being expected to be an enabler. :twocents:
 
“We’ve hardly done anything together the past few years and you’ve broken 2 recent dates. Tell me again why you want me as your maid of honor?”

If she’s not getting married until November, she has time to find someone else if she wants to.

By the way, I’ve never heard of the dress - which the bride picks out- being a maid of honor gift. (Is she manipulative? Getting your dress this far in advance and paying for it seems odd to me…)
 
scc11 said:
Hi All,
My “best friend” will be getting married this Nov and it has been decided that I am to be her maid of honor and only bridesmaid…
She has already bought my dress which she says is my maid of honor gift.

Here is to the “best friend” thing…
We met in high school and were inseparable during our junior and senior year.
We went to the same college and too were inseparable until our sophomore year when she met her fiance. Now I COMPLETELY understand once you meet that special someone things change but boy did they ever.
I had a lot of family problems (and still do) during the rest of my college years and had no real support from her. Yeah, we would text about and meet up every once in awhile but she never said “you can come over here and stay to get away from it” or “lets go out to a park to talk”. Nothing. She was too busy with her fiance. She basically just said life is rough.
Her Dad has recently passed away from cancer and when it was time, I asked if she wanted me to come to the hospital and she said no. I could of gone yes, but I did not want to impose, especially because her Mom, brothers and fiance were there. (She is not Catholic by the way).
Her fiance and I have spoken probably all of 50 words if that in the 4 years they have been together and I have tried but I get this weird feeling from him…
Anyway…why Im posting this…a week ago I asked her if she wanted to get lunch after I got out of mass. She said yes on Saturday then on Sunday said no because she was not feeling well…
I said OK well how about on the 30th we go to lunch. She said OK. Now its she cant because she NEEDS to go where he fiance lives to pick up her wedding bands and pay the deposit…I dont think there is a NEED I think its a WANT…its really frustrating me.

Im tired of plans being made and then cancelled…
What are my moral obligations to being her maid of honor? In my opinion, maid of honors are your best friends and to me she is not acting like one. I think she could of have told her fiance NO, I already made plans, we can get the rings another time…

Am I being too sensitive?
Click to expand...
Well I think your moral obligation is to have a heart to heart talk with the bride and depending upon what happens at the end of the talk, either bow out as maid of honor or do the duties of the position without complaint.

To be honest, I don’t think either of you are in the right or the wrong. I’ve been in both positions with a friendship and a wedding. The biggest regret you will make is if you close the door on the friendship and don’t give either of you the chance to be in sync later in life. Right now, she’s on a different path than you. You seem to be hanging on to past hurts in the relationship. Someday you two may be both married and have children and wish you had talked things out or at the very least recognize it wasn’t in either of your best interests for you to be a part of this friend’s wedding and walk away from being the maid of honor with some part of your friendship in tact.
 
I think you have no obligation here. She has treated you like a fifth wheel ever since she’s known this guy. 😦 Maybe you should ask/tell her that if she wants you to be her maid of honor and friend then she needs to spend some time with you. To have already bought the dress seems strange to me. 🤷 Did she even bother to ask you what size you wore? For all she knows, you might gain or lose weight between now and then. Doesn’t sound like much of a friend to me.
 
Possible compromise -

Can you politely back out of being maid of honor but still either a) play a minor role such as serving cake, or b) just attend as a guest? That way, if she truly wants to be friends, and really is just going through weird grief issues, it would come across as you’re not rejecting her, but you just don’t want to be in the maid of honor role.🤷
 
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