Maintaining chastity in relationship

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Maryse17

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My boyfriend and I are both believing, practicing Catholics who have been dating for close to two years. Lately, we’ve been having trouble maintaining chastity in our relationship (never actually really ‘gone all the way’, but it’s been super close on occasion). We both want to save things for marriage, but keep falling. We’ve been to confession, and we know the situations that we need to avoid, but somehow… Last time, the priest advised us that we should marry as soon as we could… Thing is, due to current work situations, my boyfriend wants to wait. I think it’s because he wants to make sure that he has a way to provide for when we have children. Also, he’s a huge believer that the woman.should nit be pressuring her boyfriend to get married or dropping a lot of hints and that he’ll know when the time is right, etc. Any suggestions for us? We know we’re heading towards marriage, it’s just the ‘when’ that’s the question.
 
Maryse17 said:
My boyfriend and I are both believing, practicing Catholics who have been dating for close to two years. Lately, we’ve been having trouble maintaining chastity in our relationship (never actually really ‘gone all the way’, but it’s been super close on occasion). We both want to save things for marriage, but keep falling. We’ve been to confession, and we know the situations that we need to avoid, but somehow… Last time, the priest advised us that we should marry as soon as we could… Thing is, due to current work situations, my boyfriend wants to wait. I think it’s because he wants to make sure that he has a way to provide for when we have children. Also, he’s a huge believer that the woman.should nit be pressuring her boyfriend to get married or dropping a lot of hints and that he’ll know when the time is right, etc. Any suggestions for us? We know we’re heading towards marriage, it’s just the ‘when’ that’s the question.
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This part right here is pretty telling to me. You need to talk to him and explain that marriage is a decision that you guys have to make together and that he needs to discuss it openly, honestly, and frequently with you to make sure that you guys are on the same page. This is not his decision, but rather, it’s something that has to be decided between the two of you.

I say this is especially true since you’ve been together for 2 years, your priest thinks you should start moving to marriage, and you do too. If even your clergy is telling you it’s time to look ahead, then you guys need to sit down and see if he is right. And if he is, and I can’t stress this enough, you have to do it together.

Don’t let him shut down the conversation, and if he does so repeatedly and makes it clear that he won’t talk to you, he’ll be making this decision on his own, you may want to seriously reconsider a future with him.
 
At this point, your choices are marriage, fornication, or putting in distance that will forestall fornication until the time is right for marriage, if that day ever comes. If he won’t remove the near occasion of sin by setting a wedding date, then you don’t have much choice but to remove it by putting off your entire courtship until the time is right for him. On your present course, there is a real limit to how much longer you are realistically likely to hold out. It is not very much longer, a shorter time that you think.
 
BlueEyedLady said:
(Bolding Mine)

This part right here is pretty telling to me. You need to talk to him and explain that marriage is a decision that you guys have to make together and that he needs to discuss it openly, honestly, and frequently with you to make sure that you guys are on the same page. This is not his decision, but rather, it’s something that has to be decided between the two of you.

I say this is especially true since you’ve been together for 2 years, your priest thinks you should start moving to marriage, and you do too. If even your clergy is telling you it’s time to look ahead, then you guys need to sit down and see if he is right. And if he is, and I can’t stress this enough, you have to do it together.

Don’t let him shut down the conversation, and if he does so repeatedly and makes it clear that he won’t talk to you, he’ll be making this decision on his own, you may want to seriously reconsider a future with him.
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Both BlueEyedLady and EasterJoy are spot on.

There is no merit to the idea of a woman patiently (or impatiently) waiting for a man to decide if and when he’d like to marry her. The woman has ever right to know where she stands.

There is some merit in holding off until you are both in a better situation to welcome children, but you need to weigh that against the increasing risk of fornication and the increasing risk that your relationship will not last through the pressures on it (pressure to fornicate, pressure to get married, pressure to decide on your futures).
 
I agree with the previous posts that say it’s a joint decision.

I can see you going on years, waiting, and him just changing his mind. If that happened, you’d probably kick yourself and wonder why you didn’t date others, using all your time on him, though he is obviously not ready to commit, at least not now.

So, you could say something to the effect you’d be fine with that, but in that case, you’d like to see others and then follow through. Look for other nice practicing Catholic potential life partners. Don’t limit your options. He’s not commiting to you. Then, don’t you commit to him. It’s a 2-way street.
 
Maryse17 said:
He’s a huge believer that the woman should not be pressuring her boyfriend to get married or dropping a lot of hints and that he’ll know when the time is right
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This sounds like dangerous arrogance. Maybe you should tell him that you already know the time is right.

After two years, it is time for each of you to make a decision. Is he mature enough to be a good Christian husband and father or not? If not, it may be time to move on and find someone who is.

Don’t fall into the “we have to be well off financially before we can marry” trap. This is anti-marriage, anti-child, anti-Christian nonsense. Marriage and young children do not have to be terribly expensive.
 
EasterJoy said:

“At this point, your choices are marriage, fornication, or putting in distance that will forestall fornication until the time is right for marriage, if that day ever comes.”

Yes.

OP, it’s time to dial back the level of physical intimacy you’re engaging in. If you keep coming that close to having sex, you’re doing way too much.

I have my doubts that this is the right man for you. 1) You guys are not spiritually helpful to each other right now. 2) You’ve been dating for some time without engagement. 3) He doesn’t want to marry you any time soon and uses very manipulative language to discourage you from bringing up the subject. Remember, it ordinarily takes 6 whole months to do marriage prep in the US. That is 6 whole months to improve your career and financial situation, which is a lot. Also, you do not have to have children instantly. If you get engaged, take an NFP course and chart a full 6 months prior to your wedding. Get good at charting and once you get married involve your husband in the process so that he takes equal responsibility and doesn’t expect you to be the sex police. If you are both patient and diligent and are working with half a year of charts, you have very high chance of success. If you are sloppy and impatient, it’s not going to work. You’ll notice that being good at being a chaste courting couple is excellent practice for being a successful NFP couple–in either situation, you need patience and prudence, the ability to stop well before the danger point and take a breather.

It’s going to be interesting to see what happens when the two of you dial your physical relationship down to a simmer. Will there be much of a relationship left? Will your boyfriend stick around? This is going to be a tough time and there’s probably going to be some pain, but if you can stand up for yourself now, your future self will thank you.
 
OP, do you see his current work situation improving any time soon? Is it realistic to expect it to be resolved in the next couple of months?
 
Our job situation is tricky. We are both teachers, and will not know about next year until at least the end of May, if not into June. I have a possibility of moving into a permanent contract.
 
Xantippe said:
EasterJoy said:

“At this point, your choices are marriage, fornication, or putting in distance that will forestall fornication until the time is right for marriage, if that day ever comes.”

Yes.

OP, it’s time to dial back the level of physical intimacy you’re engaging in. If you keep coming that close to having sex, you’re doing way too much.

I have my doubts that this is the right man for you. 1) You guys are not spiritually helpful to each other right now. 2) You’ve been dating for some time without engagement. 3) He doesn’t want to marry you any time soon and uses very manipulative language to discourage you from bringing up the subject. Remember, it ordinaHHrily takes 6 whole months to do marriage prep in the US. That is 6 whole months to improve your career and financial situation, which is a lot. Also, you do not have to have children instantly. If you get engaged, take an NFP course and chart a full 6 months prior to your wedding. Get good at charting and once you get married involve your husband in the process so that he takes equal responsibility and doesn’t expect you to be the sex police. If you are both patient and diligent and are working with half a year of charts, you have very high chance of success. If you are sloppy and impatient, it’s not going to work. You’ll notice that being good at being a chaste courting couple is excellent practice for being a successful NFP couple–in either situation, you need patience and prudence, the ability to stop well before the danger point and take a breather.

It’s going to be interesting to see what happens when the two of you dial your physical relationship down to a simmer. Will there be much of a relationship left? Will your boyfriend stick around? This is going to be a tough time and there’s probably going to be some pain, but if you can stand up for yourself now, your future self will thank you.
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Our relationship has moved pretty slowly. He is a very internal person, meaning that he internalises everything before he says/does anything. There were prayers/novenas said while we discerned our relationship, and we pray/attend Mass together. On our own and together we volunteer at the parish/diocesan level. For the most part, the physical side of our relationship has been sitting together and a quick kiss goodbye… It’s just this recent development. As for me waiting around for him… I waited 27 years for him and I firmly believe it was through the intercession of St. Jude that he came into my life. Our jobs are technically up in the air for another 6 or 7 months. He’s in no way manipulative. My family is always got an eye out for that due to family members’ previous relationships. We have discussed marriage-it’s not the “if”, it’s the “when”. How is it bad for him to make sure he can provide for a wife/family?
 
Maryse17 said:
We have discussed marriage-it’s not the “if”, it’s the “when”. How is it bad for him to make sure he can provide for a wife/family?
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at a certain point one has to realize that none of us with a job are guaranteed our job tomorrow…

when does one know he can provide for a wife/family? I hear coworkers talking about how they can’t afford children and I wonder why they can’t since we make the same salary, their wives work outside the home (mine doesn’t) and I am able to afford my children…

I think it’s all about perspective and how we determine what’s important in this world…

but YMMV 👍
 
How is it bad for him to make sure he can provide for a wife/family? [/QUOTE said:
It’s not bad at all, it’s great really but I think what people are getting at is that often times men use that as an excuse to put off the marriage. Why do you have to wait to get married to “provide” for your wife?

I’m trying to figure out the best way to say this…if this marriage is a gift from God and you both feel that your destined to be married then don’t put if off. If your supposed to be together and you love each other you’ll continue to love each other no matter if he can provide for you or not.

It’s hard to provide good accurate insight and advice without really knowing the dynamics of the relationship. I’ll pray for your relationship, you do the same and leave it in God’s hands but do your absolute best to avoid the near occasion of sin.

Control your situations and environment to make the relationship “safe” from the sexual temptations. I’m a 26 year old male so I know how hard it can be to maintain that control but trust me when I say that it’s possible if you take control of your situations, otherwise your efforts will be futile. I say this with love and honesty because it’s the reality, the chemical release and rush of emotions we feel when we’re intimate with someone we love is usually way too much to step back from after the emotions begin to flow. The only way to control it is to keep those emotions at bay through situational awareness and taking control of your environment.
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If you want your boyfriend to agree to marry you, there is pretty much nothing you could do that is less productive toward that end than engage in acts with your boyfriend that ought to be reserved for your husband. Haven’t you heard the cow analogy? Why would a man buy the cow if he gets the milk for free? A man who is fine with engageing in physical intimacy with a woman whom he isn’t sure when he wants to marry sounds a little shady.
 
exactly. Another thought here and in answering the basic question, if you want to avoid going all the way and having sex then you need to avoid being alone in secluded places which give rise and opportunity to engage in kissing and all the rest. If you are going to his place alone or he is coming to yours then maybe that needs to stop and both of you meet in public and with others around. Then you will not be struggling here. If he is willing to kiss you but not sure about marriage then maybe you need to step back in general and be willing to move on if he can’t make up his mind about getting married.
 
Maryse17 said:

“It’s just this recent development. As for me waiting around for him… I waited 27 years for him and I firmly believe it was through the intercession of St. Jude that he came into my life. Our jobs are technically up in the air for another 6 or 7 months.”

It’s weird to be moving forward the physical side so briskly while thinking that marriage is far, far away. After all, it’s not marriage that causes babies–sex is what causes babies.

“He’s in no way manipulative. My family is always got an eye out for that due to family members’ previous relationships. We have discussed marriage-it’s not the “if”, it’s the “when”.”

So, when is it? What’s the date he is suggesting?

I think it is manipulative of him if he is telling you that you don’t have the right to tell him when you want to get married. Obviously, you shouldn’t nag about this, but you do need to at least mentally have a date beyond which you aren’t going to go (I would not mention this kill date to him, but you should have it in your head). I think that once you find out about your jobs, you should either choose a date soon after that or move on.

“Also, he’s a huge believer that the woman.should nit be pressuring her boyfriend to get married or dropping a lot of hints and that he’ll know when the time is right, etc.”

You shouldn’t be pressuring him or dropping a lot of hints, but that’s because you shouldn’t have to. Also, it is within your rights to have periodic discussions where you revisit the subject. If he thinks that he gets to unilaterally decide all the major issues you’re going to face without getting (name removed by moderator)ut from you, you’re going to have a heck of a marriage.

“How is it bad for him to make sure he can provide for a wife/family?”

It is bad if, while he’s waiting to be secure, your eggs are deteriorating or if you develop some sort of serious gynecological or other health problems that prevents you from having a family of the size you desire. At this point, you don’t even know that you can have kids, even if you started trying today. At your age, the odds are very much on your side, but there are never any guarantees. The longer you wait, the more financially secure you’ll be (hopefully), but at the same time, your chances of a successful and healthy pregnancy are not likewise improving.

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Age_and_female_fertility

Obviously, your odds of success are very good, but I just want to be very clear that waiting is not safer in all respects.
 
One more thing–your boyfriend says that he wants to wait until you are more financially secure to marry.

Is he, in fact, moving toward financial security in the areas where he has control? Is he paying off debt, is he saving, does he exercise self-control with regard to his spending? If the answer is no, I think you need to have a talk.
 
He is for sure saving. He does not spend frivolously, and has also just taken a second job to put towards savings/ paying off student debts!
 
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