Major moral dilema

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Hi. I’ve been lurking here for a while, but this is my first time posting and it’s a doozy! Before I ask for some advice, I’m going to ask everyone to withhold judgment. I already know that what I’m thinking and feeling is wrong. I just don’t know how to make it stop.

I’m married, ten years now, and I’ve recently developed an attraction to someone other than my husband. It’s worse. He’s a priest. Now, I would never ever act on this, but I do find myself thinking about him often, and wondering what would happen if it were a mutual thing. This isn’t even really a physical attraction, more of an emotional one, which makes it harder for me. If it were only physical, I’m sure I could find a way to deal with it.

I know that I should probably find another church, but as my whole family is actively involved in this one, there would be a lot of uncomfortable questions.

I went to confession already about this, but I can’t seem to stop thinking about him.

Does anyone have any practical advice for me? I’m really having a tough time, and the guilt is terrible. 😦
 
I kinda understand the pressure. Avoiding him altogether would probably help but, changing parishes would be unconfortable. For my part I’ll keep you in my prayers. From the practial side I hope there is a good counciler that picks up your post.

I know this must be a tough situation to be in.
 
back_again said:
Hi. I’ve been lurking here for a while, but this is my first time posting and it’s a doozy! Before I ask for some advice, I’m going to ask everyone to withhold judgment. I already know that what I’m thinking and feeling is wrong. I just don’t know how to make it stop.

I’m married, ten years now, and I’ve recently developed an attraction to someone other than my husband. It’s worse. He’s a priest. Now, I would never ever act on this, but I do find myself thinking about him often, and wondering what would happen if it were a mutual thing. This isn’t even really a physical attraction, more of an emotional one, which makes it harder for me. If it were only physical, I’m sure I could find a way to deal with it.

I know that I should probably find another church, but as my whole family is actively involved in this one, there would be a lot of uncomfortable questions.

I went to confession already about this, but I can’t seem to stop thinking about him.

Does anyone have any practical advice for me? I’m really having a tough time, and the guilt is terrible. 😦
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A woman, almost in tears, once apporached St. Pio (Padre Pio) and admitted to him that she thought she actually loved HIM more than she loved Christ. He asked her to shoplift something for him, and she looked at him like he was crazy. He then pointed out that if she did, in fact, love him more than Christ, she would have done it without question.

The point I’m trying to make is, are you sure you’re not confusing admiration with love? Maybe you just have a deep admiration for this priest and you are confusing it with “attraction”. I say so, especially because you mentioned it’s not really a physical attraction, but emotional. Maybe you just have a deep admiration for him.
 
If it were me with the feelings as you’ve described, I try to look at it from this point of view: The devil has always tried to destroy Christ’s Church and what is the best way? From the inside. Look at all the harm the Priest sex abuse scandal has caused?

I assume your Priest is a wonderful man - otherwise why would be attracted to him emotionally… so imagine how great if would be for the devil if this great holy man of God were to stumble in such a terrible way by having an improper relationship with a married woman? So actually this isn’t about you - it’s about the devil trying to bring a good man down.

I am certain you wouldn’t want to be a tool of the devil?

That’s how I’d look at it if it were me. And I’d avoid the Priest like the plague until my very misguided feelings went away. And I’d also imagine this dear Priest’s mother and happy she must’ve been knowing her son was going to become Priest and how AWFUL she would feel if you she knew you were entertaining thoughts that would pull him from his vocation. Imagine trying to explain yourself to his mother? Uggg… if that doesn’t knock the wind right out of your sails, I don’t know what would?! 😊
 
What do you mean by emotional? Could it be that you are attracted to his virtue? If that is the case, then would it be possible to attribute his virtues to Christ and love Christ in him?

Oh and pray pray pray, to the Blessed Mother especially. Asl that your love for him may be transformed into a chaste brotherly love.

Oh, There once came a young handsome priest to our parish. I was quite caught of guard by his good looks and my unexpected attraction. I prayed to the Blessed Mother, and the next time I saw him, I noticed this weird thing over his lip. I just kept concentrating on that and it worked.🤷
 
I’m not a shrink so take this with the due grain of salt required; however, perhaps there is something lacking in your marriage and this priest fills the void of someone to be attracted to because he is so inaccessible. I mean you know that there is no way you’re going to act on this attraction and even if you did it’s pretty likely he would refuse your advances. So it’s a safe fantasy of sorts. The question is, why do you need it? What is missing in your life that you need to obsess over that which is unattainable? If you can’t figure it out on your own, then charitably I suggest you do talk to a professional to help you sort it out.
 
Ana said:
Oh, There once came a young handsome priest to our parish. I was quite caught of guard by his good looks and my unexpected attraction. I prayed to the Blessed Mother, and the next time I saw him, I noticed this weird thing over his lip. I just kept concentrating on that and it worked.🤷
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:rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl:

Interesting… I have been attracted to quite a few priests. They are holy and masculine in an incredibly attractive way… so the feelings in us are understandable, especially in a world where we long for the holy and the things and people who are set apart. I have had the same feeling when I met certain nuns. And since iI am not homosexual - as far as I know - I think the feeling is something else than actual erotic attraction.

I just have been thinking HOW MUCH I would just loose everything for that priest that I looked up to and liked if he were easily flattered by a young silly woman…

I dont think you actually want to have a kiss from this man… because then he would no longer be your priest but some kind of hidden and shameful character…

Are you bored in your marriage and life? Sometimes idle thoughts is what triggers my superficial attractions…
 
Counseling is a good idea, not to make assumptions, but there may be other thoughts or feelings that may be involved that a good Catholic counselor can help to identify.

On the lighter side, there’s a band called “Barleyjuice” that does a song called “(In) Love with a Priest”, referring to a pint of Guinness, which apparently looks like a priest without a head when one has downed a few. 🤷

But seriously, think about looking into counseling, even for a session or two.
 
back_again said:
Hi. I’ve been lurking here for a while, but this is my first time posting and it’s a doozy! Before I ask for some advice, I’m going to ask everyone to withhold judgment. I already know that what I’m thinking and feeling is wrong. I just don’t know how to make it stop.

I’m married, ten years now, and I’ve recently developed an attraction to someone other than my husband. It’s worse. He’s a priest. Now, I would never ever act on this, but I do find myself thinking about him often, and wondering what would happen if it were a mutual thing. This isn’t even really a physical attraction, more of an emotional one, which makes it harder for me. If it were only physical, I’m sure I could find a way to deal with it.

I know that I should probably find another church, but as my whole family is actively involved in this one, there would be a lot of uncomfortable questions.

I went to confession already about this, but I can’t seem to stop thinking about him.

Does anyone have any practical advice for me? I’m really having a tough time, and the guilt is terrible. 😦
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Yea…
  1. Drop the guilt! It’s not much different than finding a co-worker attractive. The “forbidden fruit” principle might be at work here!
  2. It is never a sin to be tempted. But It WOULD be a sin to seduce or tempt him.
  3. Don’t dwell on the things that you find attractive, he probably
    has a lot of characteristics that you would also find unappealing!
  4. Do not tell this priest about this temptation! That could easily lead him to sin.
  5. Pray for God to make you more aware of the good things that drew you to your husband in the first place.
  6. You don’t need to change churches or tell anyone about this.
  7. Make a sincere effort to avoid fantasizing about him.
  8. NEVER go to him during confession…EVER!
Be at peace.

:cool:
 
actually this is not uncommon, for a married woman to have what would be described as a “crush” if she were younger on a man who is “safe”–priest, professor, doctor, shrink etc.–in a position that makes an actual affair unlikely, but from whom she is receiving some emotional comfort which she perceives is lacking in her marriage.

The solution as with most temptations re marriage is the same: love your husband. That is choose actively to love him, do the same things you do every day out of routine or necessity but do them with a conscious intention of love for him and your children. Even if at first you just have to say it without feeling it.

Change your inner talk from: dang towels, do they think the towel racks are on the floor? . . .if just once somebody could put the dirty clothes in the basket,. . . if I see one more dirty glass making a ring on the table . . . would it kill somebody to close the top of the cereal box and put it away … . .

to something like. I love my husband, I will hang up this towel and offer the effort for him. I love my kids, I will put the cereal away and offer up the effort for them (with a mental reservation to have an educational talk on the necessity of keeping food fresh and bug-free), I love my family, I am doing this load of laundry (3rd today) for love of them. dah dah dah

make your morning offering a real prayer and live it throughout the day, intentionally, with words, until it becomes a habit and feeling. Pray each and every word of the morning offering with intent.

Look for active ways to show love, do them without being asked, without grumbiling and with intention of love. If he has asked you a hundred times to enter checks in the book, start doing it. If he likes a pitcher of cold tea in the fridge when he gets home, make it. If he is attached to his favorite raggy shirt, don’t wash the floor with it. and so forth. I am not talking about the bedroom, but I am sure you get the idea.

Make the thing that occupies your thoughts and fantasies what you can do for your family, and you will have no more room for other fantasies, which is all this is right now.

If there are real problems with your marriage, focus and deal with them now through marriage encounter, retrouville etc. If there are real stresses at work, focus and deal with them. If there are real discipline problems with your kids, focus and deal with them. Such fantasies are often an avoidance technique to rise above real problems in your own life.
 
Thank you, everyone for your responses. I’m going to take some time and think about what everyone said. You all have good insight and advice. I know the main thing is to keep praying about it. I had to laugh at the post (sorry, I can’t remember which one it was) that talked about the physical attraction, and finding something wrong with his lip. Maybe I should look for some character flaws with this priest! In the mean time I guess I need to just develop some self control and stop dwelling on it. Easier said, than done.

Thank you again, everyone.
 
I’ll just add my bit. I have a wonderful priest, and he is even more special to me because he ushered me into the church. I caught myself having a bit of a crush on him. I knew it wasn’t desire, but it still was something I needed to control. I was letting him compete in my mind with my hubby.

PuzzleAnnie’s advice is (as usual) “right on.” I did that, and one more thing. I began thinking and speaking of him only as “Father.” I “forget” the rest of his name until I was over the “crush” part of the admiration. I still love Father dearly, but now it’s safe.

God bless you,

Ruthie
 
back_again said:
Thank you, everyone for your responses. I’m going to take some time and think about what everyone said. You all have good insight and advice. I know the main thing is to keep praying about it. I had to laugh at the post (sorry, I can’t remember which one it was) that talked about the physical attraction, and finding something wrong with his lip. Maybe I should look for some character flaws with this priest! In the mean time I guess I need to just develop some self control and stop dwelling on it. Easier said, than done.

Thank you again, everyone.
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Remember that though the devil would have these thoughts and temptations draw you away, God can use these things in a way to bring merit to the soul. One thing I have learned and know is true, at the MOMENT of temptation, say a Hail Mary. EVERYTIME! Then these temptations become an invitation to prayer. God bless!
 
just pray…and two of the sentences of your prayer are
  1. “God i want him to be a priest until he dies.”
  2. Let your will be done, not mine. Amen
if you love him in God, you will love your husband more.
 
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