Making a child go to confession

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Arlene

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I have only sporadically gone to confession most of my life. But I have resolved to start going regularly. I went last month and it was the most awesome cleansing experience I have ever felt.

My daughter made her first Reconciliation/Communion over two years ago. She receives Communion weekly, but I have only brought her to confession once since the first time.
I told her we will be going tomorrow, and she is having a fit.

I explained to her that I have been negligent in the past and will now do better, and she argues that just because I want to go does not mean that she has to.

Now, I KNOW I am the parent, and I KNOW that I can “make” her go.

But do I want to do that? Do I want her to have a negative association of the Sacrament, that her mom dragged her by the ears and made her go? So many young adults leave the Church when they leave their parents’ home because they have negative experiences with their parents making them practise their faith.

Also, how “good” will her confession be if it was made under duress?

Comments/suggestions, please.

Arlene
 
Boy, that’s a tough one. Maybe if you just brought her along and expressed your joy and happiness about having all your sins forgiven on the way home. Remind her that we just tack on another sin every time we receive the Blessed Sacrament while in a state of (mortal) sin. It’s kind of hard to imagine a 4th grader being in a state of mortal sin, but if we develop the habit confessing the venial sins, I think we’re less likely to commit the mortal ones. It’s just good maintenance. Here’s a site for examination of conscience for kids ainglkiss.com/xam4kids/
and here is a link to a good one for adults, you might try. catholic.org/frz/examen/

As a sinner, I frequent the Sacrament regularly. In my large parish, there are only a handful of us that are in the ‘sinners club’, as the majority of parishioners must not sin.

There are often some Moms that bring their kids to confession, but do not celebrate the Sacrament, themselves. I wonder if they use the Sacrament as a punishment for their kids? It just seems that if you were going to force this on your kids, it would at least look a little better if you entered the confessional yourself. It’s hard to imagine someone not really having ANYTHING to confess.

I honor your desire to teach your child the great joy of the Sacrament of reconciliation. I wish I had some better suggestions on how to do it, but leading by example is all I know to recommend.
 
Thank you for the kids site! My son will go to his first reconciliation on the 29th and this is perfect.

Our priest actually makes arrangements to come to Religious Education and kids can go and have confessions there. Once they see one kid doing it - it is okay. They don’t feel that they are alone in the process. Perhaps you can ask your priest to come in and talk about reconciliation then the week later offer a ‘kids confession’ day.
 
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Arlene:
I have only sporadically gone to confession most of my life. But I have resolved to start going regularly. I went last month and it was the most awesome cleansing experience I have ever felt.

My daughter made her first Reconciliation/Communion over two years ago. She receives Communion weekly, but I have only brought her to confession once since the first time.
I told her we will be going tomorrow, and she is having a fit.

I explained to her that I have been negligent in the past and will now do better, and she argues that just because I want to go does not mean that she has to.

Now, I KNOW I am the parent, and I KNOW that I can “make” her go.

But do I want to do that? Do I want her to have a negative association of the Sacrament, that her mom dragged her by the ears and made her go? So many young adults leave the Church when they leave their parents’ home because they have negative experiences with their parents making them practise their faith.

Also, how “good” will her confession be if it was made under duress?

Comments/suggestions, please.

Arlene
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Of course you can make her go to the church with you, but you cannot make her receive the Sacrament. A person who does not want to receive a Sacrament will not receive it fruitfully.

I suggest

1.That you make sure that she sits down and does an examination of conscience, using a guide for her age. This can be done when you arrive at the church or better a few days before. Suggest that she do this over a couple of night before going to bed,
  1. That you make Reconciliation available to her when she is ready. She may not decide to go when you take her to the church. She may ask a week or two later, make sure you take her when she asks to go, no excuses because your too busy.
  2. You need also to make sure that she can go without her identity being revealed to the priest. When you go make sure that a screen is available and that Fr. can’t see who comes and goes.
  3. If necessary offer to take her to another parish during their Reconciliation.
 
I have a couple of suggestions:

First off, learn more about the sacrament so you can adequetley explain to your daughter why you want to go. Here’s links to the Catechism of Trent and the CCC’s teaching on the sacrament of Reconciliation:

cin.org/users/james/ebooks/master/trent/tsacr-p.htm
scborromeo.org/ccc/p2s2c2a4.htm

Try to put the focus on the fact that the sacraments are something God does for us rather than just something we do for Him. Some readings from the Diary of St. Faustina or “The Way of Divine Love” by Sr. Josefa might help:
catholic-forum.com/churches/cathteach/divinemercy_confession.htm
catholic-forum.com/churches/cathteach/divinemercy_sinners.htm

If your daughter becomes interested in private revelations just make sure you explain the difference between private and public revelation and keep her away from condemned/unapproved revelations.

Set a good example. I highly recommend the First Saturday Devotion. That way you’ll be going to confession at least once a month:
memorare.com/mary/firstsat.html

Pray for prudence in this situation. Make sure your daughter is made aware (at the appropriate age) of the requirements to confess grave sins at least once a year. Also, let her know that her confession is invalid if she fails to confess all mortal sins by kind and (approximate) number. Also, inform her that if she is conscience of grave sins she is to refrain from Holy Communion since receiving Holy Communion in a state of mortal sin is a grave sin.

If you run into some questions on the subject of human sexuality I recommend the following website to help you answer them:
pureloveclub.com/
 
My 8 year old has gone to confession twice; once in January for his First Recnconciliation and again in Lent during the Penance Service. I plan to take him next month during Advent’s Penance Service. I admire your foresight to want her to want to go and not make her go. It is a fine line but make sure you coax her.

When I was at my Catholic college years back a classmate who was one of six children and a graduate of Catholic schools said she did not go to confession because what did she have to confess? A year later she was getting married and 5 months pregnant. Not to cast stones at her but confession forces us to look honestly at ourselves or at least it can. It is easy to miss problems in your spiritual life even as a ten year-old.

Confession is like taking a shower. Would we let our kid never bathe if they did not want to? I know some let them receive the natural consequences of no baths(smells, looks from other kids etc.) and then they do choose to bathe.

My son is a real pain about doing things he does not want to do. I have stayed the course and now he comes to Sunday Mass without much fuss and even CCD too. I do work with him. I don’t go at 7:30 am or 7 pm. 9 am works best becuase he behaves better and is free at ten to play with the boy across the street.

Good luck to you.
 
Take her with you to the church and have her wait while you go in- preferably in front of the tabernacle. 🙂 Tell her that if she wants to go in, you’ll wait for her as well. She may not go the first or second time, but keep taking her. Kids learn by example, parents are the primary source of that example, and once she sees that this is the norm for you, she will be more receptive to the idea. Just don’t take her once or twice and then stop. Take her every time.

My experiences: When I was 13 I was forced to make a pre-confirmation confession- my Catholic school 8th grade class all went at the same time. I had already declared myself an agnostic, mostly stopped going to Mass, refused the sacrament of confirmation, and attempted to refuse confession. I was told that “we’re not making any more exceptions for you, so you’re going to have to do it or face detention”. So I went in, went through the motions, came out even more convinced that renouncing the faith was right if I was going to be forced into sacraments that at the time I didn’t believe, and didn’t go again for some time. Late in high school, I came back into the church, ended up in a situation in a youth group where I felt that I really had no choice but to go to confession or be further ostracized (another story), ended up freaking out, leaving the group after that night, and not going to confession for another 10 years because it now had such negative connotations. How unfortunate. I came back to confession last Christmas Eve of my own accord, had a wonderful experience with a compassionate priest, and have been a regular confessor ever since.

My point? Don’t force it. The Church has decided that she is old enough to reason her sins so she has to make the decision, and even if you can get her into the confessional, she doesn’t have to talk while she’s in there. By taking her with you and leaving it up to her, you are simply making the right decision easier- she’s already there, she sees you doing it, she sees that nothing bad is happening to you in there, and that you’re happier because you went.
 
I agree with those who said “take her with you”. You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make them drink. I would keep the lines of communication open. Share the promises of the First Saturday devotion with her. Maybe if she sees that Confession makes a difference in your life… Continue to take her with you, but I wouldn’t make a huge deal about her going in the confessional or not. Something to think about - maybe she has a friend who would come along - the safety in numbers thing. I bet it could be a little intimdating being the only kid among a bunch of adults.

Acadian
 
Thanks for all your (name removed by moderator)ut.
Here’s what happened:
Last night I printed off the children’s examination of conscience and gave it to her and told her we would be going in the morning. That’s when she had the fit and I posted.

This morning after reading the replies, I told her we were going to Church, and when she started protesting I told her that it was between her and God if she went to confession or not, but she had to go with me and sit in the church while I went.

As we were going in, I told her she needed to search her heart and decide if she was right with God or not and decide what she should do. She said she knew that confessing was the right thing to do, but she was scared. I acknowledged that it was a bit scary. I think she was trying to get up the courage to go, but in the end chickened out. I think she was disappointed with herself, and appologized to me. I told her it was between her and God.

So I will continue to lead by example, and take her with me when I go. Next month will be the Advent Penance service, and it may be less scary if she can choose one of the visiting priests to confess to.

Arlene
 
My girls are 9 and 11, and when I say we’re going to confession we all go. I tell them to start thinking over their sins since the last confession, we figure out how long it’s been. I usually take them every 3 or 4 months, but I’m thinking of increasing that. They totally go along with.

I have to say that I’m an old fashioned parent in many ways. I don’t negotiate with my kids. I’m in charge. I find that parents these days are all together offering too many choices to their kids. Would you let her make a choice as to whether she wants to brush her teeth, go to the dentist, wear a bike helmet, wear a seatbelt? No, for modern parents safety issues are non-negotiables.

I’m not saying you’re a bad parent, but I do suggest that you not let your child have the upper hand on this. The whole point is to try and teach her to establish good spiritual practises. Obviously, a child is not going to have mortal sins. But confession is something that one needs to do often to get in the good habit of it, and feel comfortable. The more she practises, even if it makes her uncomfortable, the better prepared she’ll be to embrace it in the future after she’s matured.
 
I actually just had this issue. I found out that my daughter had been lying to me for 3 weeks about school work. I needed to go to confession anyway, so I told her she would have to go as well. She goes to a Catholic school so she goes to Mass there twice a week. I told her she could not recieve Communion until she went to confession. I did this because I was already out of the church by the time I was her age and spent a great many years away because I was terrified of confession. I am still very uncomfortable with it ( I think that is pretty normal though). I just want her to have more exposure to the church and confession so that fear of it is not a reason to stay away from the church. I also take her with me during Advent and Lent. This was the only time I have told her to go outside of those times. It’s hard to know what the right answer is and I think for each child the answers will be different. I say, you know your child and know best how to handle a situation. My mom always said, do the best you can and then just pray.
 
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cargopilot:
There are often some Moms that bring their kids to confession, but do not celebrate the Sacrament, themselves. I wonder if they use the Sacrament as a punishment for their kids? It just seems that if you were going to force this on your kids, it would at least look a little better if you entered the confessional yourself. It’s hard to imagine someone not really having ANYTHING to confess.
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Or maybe the mom isn’t properly disposed to receive reconciliation.
 
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