Making a fuss about adult birthdays

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m_crane

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The older I get the less I find myself wanting to make a fuss about my own birthday. Adult birthdays in general are becoming a questionable obligation. It seems that every other week there is another birthday. My second complaint is about my husband. He wants his birthday to be the event of the year and I’m getting tired of all the fuss.

He starts about two weeks before his birthday by asking what are we going to do for his birthday. He expects to go out to dinner or that I am going to make him a special dinner. He suggests the menu. He actually plans his birthday and has begun to call it birthday day week. He makes demands about different things because it is birthday week. He treats himself to things that he normally wouldn’t because it is birthday week.

Last year, for my own birthday, I treated my husband, mom, and sons to lunch to try to change the idea that the birthday is all about me. Though I didn’t say it to them, it was nice to know I was treating them to a nice lunch on my birthday. I got pleasure seeing them enjoy themselves. I told them not to worry about gifts. We had a very nice time.

Back to my husband and myself, I feel we are too old to worry about our birthdays and we should not make our loved ones feel obligated to go out and buy gifts and cards and fuss.

My husband insists that we make a fuss about other peoples birthdays but he puts the work on me to fulfill these obligations. Right now it is my son’s birthday and he wants to know if I got him a card yet. Well the nearest store is 10 miles away and I am spending my free days painting the house so I don’t have time this week to run out and buy a card. I suggested he take care of it and he said " What do you want me to leave work to go shopping for a card?’ Last weekend I bought my son a cheese cake (he loves cheesecake)for his birthday and I will take him out to dinner next weekend. Isn’t that enough?

How can I get my husband to understand that I am getting older, I have to many obligations, have very little free time, energy or money to do these birthday gestures for adults anymore. I would just like to tone down a little on the adult birthday obligations, like maybe only sending cards for the milestone birthdays for adult relatives instead of every year. Buying smaller gifts for our moms and grown children. And a total remake the idea of birthday week.

How much do you fuss over adult birthdays? And should I ask my husband to support me in making these changes in our self imposed birthday obligation list?

-well back to painting my house… got to get it done before Thanksgiving.
 
m_crane said:
The older I get the less I find myself wanting to make a fuss about my own birthday. Adult birthdays in general are becoming a questionable obligation. It seems that every other week there is another birthday. My second complaint is about my husband. He wants his birthday to be the event of the year and I’m getting tired of all the fuss.

He starts about two weeks before his birthday by asking what are we going to do for his birthday. He expects to go out to dinner or that I am going to make him a special dinner. He suggests the menu. He actually plans his birthday and has begun to call it birthday day week. He makes demands about different things because it is birthday week. He treats himself to things that he normally wouldn’t because it is birthday week.

Last year, for my own birthday, I treated my husband, mom, and sons to lunch to try to change the idea that the birthday is all about me. Though I didn’t say it to them, it was nice to know I was treating them to a nice lunch on my birthday. I got pleasure seeing them enjoy themselves. I told them not to worry about gifts. We had a very nice time.

Back to my husband and myself, I feel we are too old to worry about our birthdays and we should not make our loved ones feel obligated to go out and buy gifts and cards and fuss.

My husband insists that we make a fuss about other peoples birthdays but he puts the work on me to fulfill these obligations. Right now it is my son’s birthday and he wants to know if I got him a card yet. Well the nearest store is 10 miles away and I am spending my free days painting the house so I don’t have time this week to run out and buy a card. I suggested he take care of it and he said " What do you want me to leave work to go shopping for a card?’ Last weekend I bought my son a cheese cake (he loves cheesecake)for his birthday and I will take him out to dinner next weekend. Isn’t that enough?

How can I get my husband to understand that I am getting older, I have to many obligations, have very little free time, energy or money to do these birthday gestures for adults anymore. I would just like to tone down a little on the adult birthday obligations, like maybe only sending cards for the milestone birthdays for adult relatives instead of every year. Buying smaller gifts for our moms and grown children. And a total remake the idea of birthday week.

How much do you fuss over adult birthdays? And should I ask my husband to support me in making these changes in our self imposed birthday obligation list?

-well back to painting my house… got to get it done before Thanksgiving.
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I feel very sad for you.

Like you, I don’t really like making a big deal out of my birthday, but my wife likes to celebrate hers and make a “big deal” And, honestly, the happiness she gets from my making her birthday special is very gratifying to me. I wouldn’t miss such an opportunity.
 
BillP said:
I feel very sad for you.

Like you, I don’t really like making a big deal out of my birthday, but my wife likes to celebrate hers and make a “big deal” And, honestly, the happiness she gets from my making her birthday special is very gratifying to me. I wouldn’t miss such an opportunity.
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Amen to this. I am always on the lookout for things to do for my wife to give her as much happiness as I can. I can’t even imagining withholding something from her just because I don’t want it myself when I know that it gives her joy.

Peace

Tim
 
How much do you fuss over adult birthdays?
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I don’t. I would like a gift, and cake. Or cupcakes. That’s it. Usually dinner out. I have stopped asking for gifts. I am the easiest person in the world to buy a present for as my list includes model numbers, if not online wishlists where you simply click the button to get it. However, no one ever gets me what I want, so I don’t bother anymore. The last time I tried I had a wishlist, or maybe simply left the browser window open to amazon so my wife could have just clicked to buy it and paid for it with her discover bucks and it would have been free. I even told her this. Instead I got something stupid or worthless that I didn’t want.

But HER birthday? It’s supposed to be the fantasy event of the year and costs $500. Changing her opinion is practically impossible, and I doubt you can change your husband’s ideas much either. You can probably get him down from birthday WEEK to birthDAY or birthday WEEKEND.
 
m_crane said:
The older I get the less I find myself wanting to make a fuss about my own birthday. Adult birthdays in general are becoming a questionable obligation. It seems that every other week there is another birthday. My second complaint is about my husband. He wants his birthday to be the event of the year and I’m getting tired of all the fuss.

He starts about two weeks before his birthday by asking what are we going to do for his birthday. He expects to go out to dinner or that I am going to make him a special dinner. He suggests the menu. He actually plans his birthday and has begun to call it birthday day week. He makes demands about different things because it is birthday week. He treats himself to things that he normally wouldn’t because it is birthday week.

Last year, for my own birthday, I treated my husband, mom, and sons to lunch to try to change the idea that the birthday is all about me. Though I didn’t say it to them, it was nice to know I was treating them to a nice lunch on my birthday. I got pleasure seeing them enjoy themselves. I told them not to worry about gifts. We had a very nice time.

Back to my husband and myself, I feel we are too old to worry about our birthdays and we should not make our loved ones feel obligated to go out and buy gifts and cards and fuss.

My husband insists that we make a fuss about other peoples birthdays but he puts the work on me to fulfill these obligations. Right now it is my son’s birthday and he wants to know if I got him a card yet. Well the nearest store is 10 miles away and I am spending my free days painting the house so I don’t have time this week to run out and buy a card. I suggested he take care of it and he said " What do you want me to leave work to go shopping for a card?’ Last weekend I bought my son a cheese cake (he loves cheesecake)for his birthday and I will take him out to dinner next weekend. Isn’t that enough?

How can I get my husband to understand that I am getting older, I have to many obligations, have very little free time, energy or money to do these birthday gestures for adults anymore. I would just like to tone down a little on the adult birthday obligations, like maybe only sending cards for the milestone birthdays for adult relatives instead of every year. Buying smaller gifts for our moms and grown children. And a total remake the idea of birthday week.

How much do you fuss over adult birthdays? And should I ask my husband to support me in making these changes in our self imposed birthday obligation list?

-well back to painting my house… got to get it done before Thanksgiving.
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It sounds like you are married to seven year old. 😦

Tell him you already got your son a cheesecake and if he wants to get him a card he can pick it up on his way home from work. Or maybe make one at home!
 
I was an only child, born to parents who had just turned 40, which was positively ancient in the 1950’s. My parents suffered through 4 miscarriages before me and they desperately wanted children. I was truly a miracle child, being born at 7 months and weighing less than 3 lbs. My mother’s parents lived with us and I was their youngest grandchild; their oldest was already in her 40’s. My grandmother doted on children (she had 12) and there hadn’t been a baby in the house in a very long time when I was born. I was by her side every minute from the day I came home from the hospital until the day I started school.

Needless to say, my childhood birthday parties were extravaganzas. My grandfather and daddy began planning them months beforehand and each one had to be bigger and better than the one before. I had clowns, magicians, petting zoos, carriage rides, cartoon characters in costume, carnivals, and a Prince Charming on a white horse. My parents and grandparents enjoyed all the fuss very much, but I did not. I still don’t.

Because of all that and the mortification I always felt at being putting on display every year, for most of my adult life, I have always resisted making any fuss over my birthday. The best kind of birthday I can have is to get up every early, have my coffee and toast on the front porch, and watch the deer run through the fields around my house as the sun comes up. I take the day off to be by myself, take a long walk to have a conversation with God, and just enjoy the peace and serenity of my home in the country. My husband and I usually have dinner outside and it’s usually something very simple. But it’s my day all to myself and that’s the best present for me.
 
I’ve never liked being the center of attention. At our parish, our priest ends the Mass by asking if there are any birthdays. Then the birthday people go up to the front and everyone sings a blessing for them.

When it was my 60th earlier this year, I made sure my husband knew that he was to tell NO ONE. It’s not that I mind the age so much, but the fuss and bother would make would make me very uncomfortable.

We’re all different. My husband and adult children all enjoy it when people notice them. 🙂
 
Jon_S said:
It sounds like you are married to seven year old. 😦

Tell him you already got your son a cheesecake and if he wants to get him a card he can pick it up on his way home from work. Or maybe make one at home!
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I dunno. I read “burnout” from the OP. Hubby may be acting immaturely, but he may also be trying to get his wife excited about something. That doesn’t mean his methods are good, but I kind of agree with Bill P.

When it comes to husband’s birthday, maybe tell him you will plan something, and plan something that he will enjoy but doesn’t last all week. Come to an agreement now on other relatives and on your kids and how that work will be split.

I also buy cards in bulk so I’m not making separate trips for every occasion.
 
I think it is a good thing to celebrate another year of life.

I’d love to be able to spoil my husband and my sister on their birthdays, instead of missing the lost relationships.
 
In my family birthday parties and big celebrations for such are for children. At 18 we send cards to all until age 21 and then that’s it. We concentrate on the children. We phone one another and wish them a happy birthday but then again that’s just how we’ve alrways operated

My best friend has a family that is opposite. Every single birthday in the immediate family in laws included of course is celebrated with big fan fare and one is expected to be there at the party with a prestent in hand. That’s just their style.

Depends on what you grew up with probably. I might imagine in your husband’s family birthdays were a great bit deal to celebrate and important.

Good luck with scaling back to a Birthday weekend perhaps and someday a Brith DAY.

Mary.
 
My in-laws make big deals out of birthdays, anniversarys, and all the other Hallmark holidays.

I usually don’t, unless it’s a milestone. But my parents stopped making a big deal of my birthday by the time turned 11 or 12.

I feel that my in-laws over hype these things and my wife feels that my family under values them.

I guess it really depends on the traditions of the family we each come from, but I do think there is a happy medium.

Good luck and God Bless!
 
m_crane said:
My husband insists that we make a fuss about other peoples birthdays but **he puts the work on me to fulfill these obligations. **

How can I get my husband to understand that I am getting older, I have to many obligations, have very little free time, energy or money to do these birthday gestures for adults anymore. I would just like to tone down a little on the adult birthday obligations, like maybe only sending cards for the milestone birthdays for adult relatives instead of every year. Buying smaller gifts for our moms and grown children. And a total remake the idea of birthday week.
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Seems very reasonable to me. Have that conversation with him and outline what you are willing to do and if he wants something more, go knock himself out! lol

We stopped gifts and cards for our adult relatives long ago. A phone call or email is about it. For my husband and his birthday octave (yes, that’s right) we have his family over for cake and a nice evening. At Christmas, instead of spending a ton of money on close family who already have way too much, that money goes to charity and/or a pro-life Catholic family that has 5 or more children. No gifts, Jesus is the reason how we spend money then. We as Catholics shouldn’t forget that when an occasion comes along, how can we express our gratitude to God for His blessings and kindness? How can we bless others as we stop to recognize the blessings we are enjoying?

I’m off to stain my deck now. lol
 
Well, I had a heart attack last December two days before Christmas and my birthday is this coming Saturday — and I fully intend to celebrate that I am still alive with my family and friends!!!

So I guess you can say perspective can change everything!

Partypoopers can stay home – life is too short!!
 
PennyinCanada said:
Seems very reasonable to me. Have that conversation with him and outline what you are willing to do and if he wants something more, go knock himself out! lol

We stopped gifts and cards for our adult relatives long ago. A phone call or email is about it. For my husband and his birthday octave (yes, that’s right) we have his family over for cake and a nice evening. At Christmas, instead of spending a ton of money on close family who already have way too much, that money goes to charity and/or a pro-life Catholic family that has 5 or more children. No gifts, Jesus is the reason how we spend money then. We as Catholics shouldn’t forget that when an occasion comes along, how can we express our gratitude to God for His blessings and kindness? How can we bless others as we stop to recognize the blessings we are enjoying?

I’m off to stain my deck now. lol
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My kind of gal !!!😃
 
People who like a big deal for their birthday should get that. And if someone doesn’t enjoy that, they should get a toned down celebration, or none at all if that is their wish.

But what we can’t do is expect what we like to be what everyone else likes. To each his own. 😉

One time, my husband said to me, don’t buy me anything for Christmas, I don’t want anything. I answered okay, but that doesn’t mean I don’t want something from you! 😃 Honestly, he does enjoy giving, and he really doesn’t want anything. But I always find some small thing he ends up happy receiving.
 
What makes you happy on your birthday depends on personal taste, but have you considered taking a leaf from your husband’s book?

Not to say treating your family isn’t an enjoyable, but you are servicing them, and your husband seems to understand self-reward better than you do. Setting aside a week to do “special” activities in nod to your own existence may be narcisstic, but everyone needs the occasional, if only brief, respite in the spotlight. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.
 
Hmm. With us, people other than immediate family over about 21 get a card, though we’ve been known to occasionally use a birthday as an excuse to get someone something they’ve been wanting–a particular book, or game, or something similar.

Immediate family over 21 get small gifts. Nothing fancy; a box of chocolates, or a trinket/piece of memorabilia from a favorite game or series, or a sample size of their favorite perfume, or a box of golf balls…you get the idea. 🙂 Something that they’ll enjoy, but that at the same time isn’t such a big deal that it puts any kind of pressure on them to reciprocate in some magnificent way, y’know? And of course, if they’re in the area, I’ll make them a cake. 😃 I love baking, and it’s the way that I’m most likely to show that I care about someone.

We have some college-age in-laws in the area. Gifts are similar to what I mentioned above for immediate family, and we have them over for a nice home-cooked meal and a birthday cake.

I’d feel rather sad if no one did anything nice for my birthday. Nothing major–I’d be uncomfortable with hugely expensive gifts (except perhaps as a “milestone” gift from my husband), and I loathe being the center of attention. Getting together with a few close friends for an evening in with a pleasant dinner (takeout’s fine!) and a glass of wine followed by cake is pretty much my idea of bliss.

“Birthday week”? Eh, depends on what he means by it. If he means “this week, I’ll do something small and nice for myself every day” (read: get coffee at a favorite coffee shop that isn’t usually frequented because of the price, go to a museum, etc)–hey, why not? If he means fantastic dinners every night, complete with expensive wine and gifts–err, not so much. Back when I was single, I did something similar. Birthdays and holidays were often difficult because I was alone, so I would plan out something small each day for a week around the day in question to distract myself a little. I’d budget about $5-$10 max every day for that week, and do little things to spoil myself. Get that coffee one day, get a 1/4 pound of my very favorite (and rather expensive) cheese another day, go see an interesting exhibit at the museum the next day, etc. It wasn’t a huge expenditure, but it did wonders for my mental health and general happiness because I didn’t usually do these things.

Possibly his recipient love language is gift-giving. What’s yours? Does he “speak” it? If not, why not sit down and talk about these things? If your marriage is important to you, then each of you doing what you can, within reason, to make the other happy is a huge part of that. If he were to temper his expectations a little and you were to rise towards them a bit (I think that a nice birthday dinner, for example, is hardly an unreasonable expectation, unless he’s expecting a twelve-course one that you cook single-handedly 😛 ), you might find that it bears unexpected and good fruit for your marriage.

As for other people, a card is a nice remembrance and doesn’t take any time at all, really, to mail. Get ten or so the next time you’re at the store, and all you’ll need to do is sign it and mail it. Might make someone’s birthday a lot more special. I know there were birthdays for me when I didn’t have much in the way of family or friends that a card or two in the mail meant the world.
 
m_crane said:
He starts about two weeks before his birthday by asking what are we going to do for his birthday. He expects to go out to dinner or that I am going to make him a special dinner. He suggests the menu.
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Your husband has some nerve! A special dinner for his birthday? Also, one week a year, he treats himself to something he wouldn’t treat himself to otherwise???

WHO THE HECK DOES THIS GUY THINK HE IS??? :mad::mad::mad:
 
Maybe you should take a leaf from his book?

Not that treating your kids isn’t enjoyable, but you are serving them on a day that’s supposed to be about you. Setting aside a week to do special activities in nod to your own existence may be narcissistic, but everyone needs the occasional, if only brief respite in the spotlight. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. Seems your husband grasps that concept better than you do.
 
Burnout happened along time ago. I would if I could, if I had the money, time and energy to meet these birthday obligations.
 
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