Making abstinence work

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Rachellem56

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I haven’t really talked to my boyfriend yet about abstinence. Well he knows that I want to save sex for marriage, but I don’t think he’s gotten the hint that I want to save everything for marriage. This is my first time in a serious relationship, so before I haven’t really had to think about broaching the topic, and I have a really hard time communicating my thoughts about it to him.This is probably silly, but I keep thinking what if he decides to leave me because of it (even though I know that this relationship is nowhere near as important as my relationship with Jesus)? A lot of girls on my campus also go by the motto that another woman is willing to do what a man’s girlfriend won’t do, and unfortunately a lot of girls on my campus are willing to do just that. Also, there’s the obvious fact that battling temptation is really hard. OK, fine I suppose some insecurity may have manifested with this question, and I know that the knee-jerk answer is that nothing is more important than Jesus, but seriously, I would appreciate some tips from anyone who has been able to actually make it work.

Also forgot to mention that the last person I dated (although wasn’t in a serious relationship) I had a hard time with when I brought up abstinence. He was kind of manipulative, didn’t really take no for an answer and kept telling me how other girls were offering him certain favors. So I just want this to actually work this time.
 
The only way to “make it work” is to put your foot down and not compromise on this issue.

If your bf doesn’t want to save “everything” for marriage…then he’s not worth the trouble.

If he does leave you because he can find a girl willing to do the stuff you don’t want to do, then he’s not worth the trouble.

Part of the point of abstinence is that it weeds out the people that are more interested in using your body than getting to know you as a person.

I suggest telling this boy bluntly, that you will not do anything before marriage. See what his reaction is.
 
AdamPeter said:
Part of the point of abstinence is that it weeds out the people that are more interested in using your body than getting to know you as a person.

I suggest telling this boy bluntly, that you will not do anything before marriage. See what his reaction is.
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Yes, this is a major test. 👍
 
Rachellem56 said:
I haven’t really talked to my boyfriend yet about abstinence. Well he knows that I want to save sex for marriage, but I don’t think he’s gotten the hint that I want to save everything for marriage. This is my first time in a serious relationship, so before I haven’t really had to think about broaching the topic, and I have a really hard time communicating my thoughts about it to him.This is probably silly, but I keep thinking what if he decides to leave me because of it (even though I know that this relationship is nowhere near as important as my relationship with Jesus)? A lot of girls on my campus also go by the motto that another woman is willing to do what a man’s girlfriend won’t do, and unfortunately a lot of girls on my campus are willing to do just that. Also, there’s the obvious fact that battling temptation is really hard. OK, fine I suppose some insecurity may have manifested with this question, and I know that the knee-jerk answer is that nothing is more important than Jesus, but seriously, I would appreciate some tips from anyone who has been able to actually make it work.

Also forgot to mention that the last person I dated (although wasn’t in a serious relationship) I had a hard time with when I brought up abstinence. He was kind of manipulative, didn’t really take no for an answer and kept telling me how other girls were offering him certain favors. So I just want this to actually work this time.
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discern this relationship carefully.

I don’t exactly know what you mean by saving “everything” for marriage.

but there is still a world of difference between a guy who is simply “willing to wait” because you said so and one who also thinks that abstinence is important.

do not compromise, if he gets pushy, leave, it’s not worth it
 
It’s as simple as that really- you just have to set the ground rules. Relationships, especially when you’re young can be terribly difficult to navigate- especially since everyone around you equates a serious relationship with sex. They seem to go hand in hand… and abstinence has become a thing of the past… people just don’t understand it.

I’m recently single- at 37. Never been married but I have a 16 year old son, and was with his father for 18+ years. My faith has become extremely important to me- and I plan (and am) living a chaste life. It’s not easy… but it’s a sacrifice God has asked me to make… and this time I plan to answer His call.

The right guy will understand- he’ll respect your decision. As much as it hurts to imagine losing him, if that’s what happens, in the end- it will honestly be for the best. Your relationship with God has to come first. If you take the proper steps to a stronger relationship with God, He’ll be in control and will lead you to that person that HE intends you to be with.

I admire you for your commitment. I honestly wish I had been as smart when I was growing up.

You’re on the right track, just stay strong and let God guide you.
 
Rachellem56 said:
I haven’t really talked to my boyfriend yet about abstinence. Well he knows that I want to save sex for marriage, but I don’t think he’s gotten the hint that I want to save everything for marriage. This is my first time in a serious relationship, so before I haven’t really had to think about broaching the topic, and I have a really hard time communicating my thoughts about it to him.This is probably silly, but I keep thinking what if he decides to leave me because of it (even though I know that this relationship is nowhere near as important as my relationship with Jesus)? A lot of girls on my campus also go by the motto that another woman is willing to do what a man’s girlfriend won’t do, and unfortunately a lot of girls on my campus are willing to do just that. Also, there’s the obvious fact that battling temptation is really hard. OK, fine I suppose some insecurity may have manifested with this question, and I know that the knee-jerk answer is that nothing is more important than Jesus, but seriously, I would appreciate some tips from anyone who has been able to actually make it work.

Also forgot to mention that the last person I dated (although wasn’t in a serious relationship) I had a hard time with when I brought up abstinence. He was kind of manipulative, didn’t really take no for an answer and kept telling me how other girls were offering him certain favors. So I just want this to actually work this time.
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Stick to your principles; no means no and there will be no compromise on this issue. If he is not mature to handle it then move on. You are young and there are lots of guys out there who share your moral values. Breaking up with a boyfriend hurts for a while, but it’s not the end of the world or your life. God will send the right guy at the right time.
 
It’s really great that you see the big picture! Not nearly enough people place Jesus first. Good for you! 🙂 I may not have the answers you are looking for, but if you or anyone else can learn something from this, it will be worth sharing. 😊

I agree that you need to be VERY clear about your intentions. And the time to do this is NOW!!

But, beware of pouting and "If you really cared about me…"and as your former boyfriend tried with “This girl offered to…” I, too, had a boyfriend when I was in high school that would tell me about all these “hot girls” who he saw at bars who offered him this or that favor.
Every couple of months he would start with this and say, “Well, if my needs were being met…” Yeah, right!!! Eventually, I would just tell him, “Do what you want, but break up with me first.” Probably not the best thing to say, but I wanted him to stop pressuring me!!! Eventually, there were just soooo many “hot girls” and he told me that he couldn’t stay with me just because his mom thought I was a great girl, etc. I was devastated, but nearly as much as I would have been if I had given into him. 👍

I had a friend tell me that once you “Do it” it gets easier to keep doing it and that you need to really be careful.

I wish I could say that I put God first, but after HS, I had a serious boyfriend. When I was 19 yrs old. He told me when we first started dating that he wasn’t the kind of guy that needed sex all the time I believed him and thought “good”. He was a very jealous and controlling guy. He would make fun of me and say things like, “Oh, you’re such a Holy Christian, you would never tell a lie.” (When I refused to call in sick for work) Then he would threaten to break up with me if I didn’t. (Always trying to chip away at my moral compass) And sometimes I would let him.
Eventually, I reasoned that if we were going to get married it would be ok. He did not put pressure on me, but I let the progression of things take over and gave into temptation. I knew afterward that I made a mistake, but I kept doing it. It was very one sided and unfulfilling. As if there weren’t enough aggravations, now add to it self doubt; “Why doesn’t he want to be with me, I’m not good enough, etc”. Because THAT is what all guys care about, right?
At one point, I freaked out because I thought I was pregnant. He said, “Well, I don’t know what you’re going to do, but, I’m going to finish college. I should have gone to a prostitute!!!” (I was not pregnant, he quit college for the 2nd time at a very expensive school and later went back to a co.munity xollege for 2 yr degree he never used!!! :mad: I did end up marrying that romantic man 6.5 yrs after we started dating. We were married for 10 yrs and we have a daughter who is a Senior in HS. The marriage was annulled. (11 yrs ago)
If I knew then what I know now… I told my daughter about a year ago the story, but not that it was her dad and me. I said, I knew a girl who… And she said, "And she married him!!! :confused:

I guess my best advice to you, if I dare, would be to trust your first impressions (I couldn’t stand the first guy and thought he was full of himself and I though the 2nd was a jerk) stand your ground and to stay close to Our Lord in prayer, praying for strength and purity. I think it’s VERY important to find someone who shares your beliefs and wants to wait for marriage as well. I can tell you, it cost me relationships and almost no one wanted to date me. Be prepared for this and really try to be ok with it, as crazy as it sounds!

I will pray for you.
Peace and all good! 🙂
 
If your boyfriend truly loves you, he will stay with you, abstinence and all. If he is just interested in sex, he won’t stick around. Set these ground rules and then stick to them.
Avoid “near occasion” of sin. Don’t put yourself in situations where you will be tempted to sin. Good luck!

Praying for you both to remain chaste.
 
You need to be up front about this early on. Each person has their own set of deal breakers, and obviously this raises to that level.

However, I disagree with those implying he simply wants to use you if abstinence is a deal breaker for him. It’s better if it breaks you up now than to invest the time and emotional energy of a relationship just for him to either pressure you or become really bitter about it.

Lastly, and only if true try explaining chastity as something you want and find personal value in rather simply following the rules. The latter can create an odd bitterness.
 
AdamPeter said:
The only way to “make it work” is to put your foot down and not compromise on this issue.

If your bf doesn’t want to save “everything” for marriage…then he’s not worth the trouble.

If he does leave you because he can find a girl willing to do the stuff you don’t want to do, then he’s not worth the trouble.

Part of the point of abstinence is that it weeds out the people that are more interested in using your body than getting to know you as a person.

I suggest telling this boy bluntly, that you will not do anything before marriage. See what his reaction is.
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Excellent reply. The worst thing I read here is when a boy admits he is having sex elsewhere and calling it satisfying his “needs”. Amorality you can do without…
 
Rachellem56 said:
I haven’t really talked to my boyfriend yet about abstinence. Well he knows that I want to save sex for marriage, but I don’t think he’s gotten the hint that I want to save everything for marriage. This is my first time in a serious relationship, so before I haven’t really had to think about broaching the topic, and I have a really hard time communicating my thoughts about it to him.This is probably silly, but I keep thinking what if he decides to leave me because of it (even though I know that this relationship is nowhere near as important as my relationship with Jesus)? A lot of girls on my campus also go by the motto that another woman is willing to do what a man’s girlfriend won’t do, and unfortunately a lot of girls on my campus are willing to do just that. Also, there’s the obvious fact that battling temptation is really hard. OK, fine I suppose some insecurity may have manifested with this question, and I know that the knee-jerk answer is that nothing is more important than Jesus, but seriously, I would appreciate some tips from anyone who has been able to actually make it work.

Also forgot to mention that the last person I dated (although wasn’t in a serious relationship) I had a hard time with when I brought up abstinence. He was kind of manipulative, didn’t really take no for an answer and kept telling me how other girls were offering him certain favors. So I just want this to actually work this time.
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Good advice all around on this thread.

One other bit of a tip?

The girls who held out against heavy pressure in college sure were prized by the guys who did the same. 👍
 
Rachellem56 said:
I haven’t really talked to my boyfriend yet about abstinence. Well he knows that I want to save sex for marriage, but I don’t think he’s gotten the hint that I want to save everything for marriage. This is my first time in a serious relationship, so before I haven’t really had to think about broaching the topic, and I have a really hard time communicating my thoughts about it to him.This is probably silly, but I keep thinking what if he decides to leave me because of it (even though I know that this relationship is nowhere near as important as my relationship with Jesus)? A lot of girls on my campus also go by the motto that another woman is willing to do what a man’s girlfriend won’t do, and unfortunately a lot of girls on my campus are willing to do just that. Also, there’s the obvious fact that battling temptation is really hard. OK, fine I suppose some insecurity may have manifested with this question, and I know that the knee-jerk answer is that nothing is more important than Jesus, but seriously, I would appreciate some tips from anyone who has been able to actually make it work.

Also forgot to mention that the last person I dated (although wasn’t in a serious relationship) I had a hard time with when I brought up abstinence. He was kind of manipulative, didn’t really take no for an answer and kept telling me how other girls were offering him certain favors. So I just want this to actually work this time.
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Hi! I’m so glad you’re here asking this question.
I understand how this would be an awkward topic to bring up. I think I would state my goals. You want to do well in school, graduate, where you’d like to live, etc. Then, “I am not willing to risk my future and my plans by sleeping with a guy. It’s a few minutes of pleasure but a HUGE risk that falls on the girl. I don’t want to go there. One day God willing I will be pregnant, and we (my husband and I) will tell my family. My family will be happy and proud of me. That’s my future. For now, I am going to do my best at school. This is the foundation I am laying down for myself and future husband and family.” Then I would let him respond.

I am married but when I was single I found that if I liked someone I would invite them to Mass. Then just let them talk. That’s how you find out early if they are hostile to the Church, to Christianity, to religion, etc. Good information to have so you can make a smart decision early before your heart takes over common sense. lol

There is nothing more important as you raise a family, to have a good Catholic husband. When I see these guys in church, kneeling, praying, going to confession, receiving the Eucharist with reverence, well, there’s nothing that can substitute that as your children grow up.

I came into the Church in my 20’s which broke up a 5 yr relationship. The boyfriend was not impressed. It was absolutely heart breaking after that amount of time together. However, I was serious. I told God I would not marry unless he sent me a good Catholic husband to spend my life with. Then I prayed for that future husband every day. He eventually came into his life after having a serious conversion and coming into the Church. How awesome is that? He related different things in his life, like one time he should have been killed but some hand grabbed him and pulled him out of harms way. Saved his life. That was my prayers before we even met. There is so much I could say of what a smart decision that was.

That boyfriend of 5 yrs that broke up. He’s been married twice, divorced twice, and still single now. Still outside of the church. Imagine the kids. After me he continued on to his own train wreck. Thank you God it wasn’t my train wreck.

When you are dating, be that Light of Christ. Maybe that guy will move on to other girls. If it’s because he has needs that need to be met, give thanks to God because He has plans full of love and life for you, and by walking with Christ, you’ll by pass some train wreck in the making.

Honor God in your singleness, in your dating, and your married life. Walk in His blessing. Stay close to the sacraments. Pray for your future husband. God bless and keep you close.
 
Be strong. If he doesn’t respect your (excellent and correct) wish to save everything for marriage, don’t be afraid of “losing him”, - I’d just break up with such a guy. You deserve better than a guy like that. If he wouldn’t respect your wish, that is not your problem at all, but his. 🙂 as for how to speak to him to find out his view, I’d just be honest and direct about it. I know when you’re young its hard to break up if views on purity don’t match up, you want to give the guy a chance, have feelings for him, etc. But down the line this is what is important and no guy would EVER be more important than your purity. It is something precious, more than any relationship. Try to spend time in prayer and pray WITH him too. Prayers for you. God bless
 
Hold your frame and make it clear what you want. One thing you could do to stand out from other girlfriends (past or potential) is cook dinner for him every so often.
 
starshiptrooper said:
Hold your frame and make it clear what you want. One thing you could do to stand out from other girlfriends (past or potential) is cook dinner for him every so often.
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I think this can be a fun and romantic thing to do, but I’m not sure it’s wise when you’re being pressured for sex, especially if you’re inviting him into your home. If you were to prepare something and then take it to a public place, like to a picnic at the park, that could be very fun.

If you’re trying to remain chaste I would not seek out opportunities to be completely alone with your date.
 
If he decides to leave you because of it, then he saved you a lot of time and pain. Is someone who doesn’t respect your moral values or even your own body someone you want to marry?

Of course, if you tell him all this and he is understanding and respects you, then you may have found a good one. But either way, you find out a lot about what kind of man he is.
 
starshiptrooper said:
Hold your frame and make it clear what you want. One thing you could do to stand out from other girlfriends (past or potential) is cook dinner for him every so often.
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Hey honey…I know you want to go to the bedroom and ignore the fact that I told you I’m holding out for marriage but how about I make dinner for you instead? Then you’ll magically desire to live chastity.
 
AdamPeter said:
The only way to “make it work” is to put your foot down and not compromise on this issue.

If your bf doesn’t want to save “everything” for marriage…then he’s not worth the trouble.

If he does leave you because he can find a girl willing to do the stuff you don’t want to do, then he’s not worth the trouble.

**Part of the point of abstinence is that it weeds out the people that are more interested in using your body than getting to know you as a person.

I suggest telling this boy bluntly, that you will not do anything before marriage. See what his reaction is.**
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I second this.

And I add that what if your BF doesn’t agree with you and doesn’t want to abstain? Are you going to let yourself be “manipulated” so he doesn’t leave you? He is not your god and not the last coca cola of the desert.

What if he accepts abstinence and respects it? You would never know until you say it bluntly.

And I find it pointless to pursue a relationship if it will end nowhere (think courting and marriage ). I pray it goes well with you according to God’s will.
 
There is also this “concept” called “missionary dating”. If you are that serious about this guy, try being the instrument of God to convert this guy and lead him to Jesus by following your example and receiving your moral support and encouragement to combat evil. Make dates to meet in Mass, etc.
 
AdamPeter said:
Hey honey…I know you want to go to the bedroom and ignore the fact that I told you I’m holding out for marriage but how about I make dinner for you instead? Then you’ll magically desire to live chastity.
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You should have exercised a modicum of reading comprehension. She did not say that she was being pressured by her current boyfriend. She has not clarified expectations with him. He might either agree with her or like her enough to change his mindset.

My first piece of advice to her was to hold her frame. Making dinner is more to address her fear that he will leave her than for his benefit.
 
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