Making assumptions about the elderly

[rayne89]

Ok so I’m only 35 and my mom is nearly 80. She drives me nuts but not because she’s old. She’s a “difficult” person but she’s been difficult since I was 10 (probably younger I just didn’t pay as much attention). According my dad she’s been difficult since the honeymoon. I’m sure by saying my mom is nearly 80 you picture a gray haired, frail woman. My mom’s hair is dyed, she is not frail, she’s fiesty little Italian lady.

Doctors blow her off like she’s senile as soon as they see her age, nurses refer to her as sweety and honey like she’s a little girl. I swear if I was her I’d want to smack these people.

A couple years back she was in the hospital. They were not controlling her blood sugar properly and she was very shaky -trembling actually. When I brought it up to the nurse he says very dismissively “Oh she’s just upset that’s why she’s shaking.” He says this right in front of her. She was upset because she needed to eat something because of her diabetes and they brought her food an hour late. They also weren’t bringing her meds on time. “Uh…no, I’ve lived with my mother and I have seen her UPSET and this is not the way she acts. Something is wrong.” Yeah something was wrong her blood sugar was like 300+.

Yes some elderly people are senile but not all of them. My aunt (mom’s sister) is 83. Several months ago my cousin sent my mom a DVD recording from last years New Years Eve. My aunt is dancing in 2 inch spindley high heels, in designer jeans and glittery top. My uncle (mom’s brother) who is nearly 90 is dancing with her. Nobody would guess my mom’s or her siblings ages. But if a doctor sees it on her chart she’s suddenly senile. They’ll talk to me instead of her like she can’t understand or something.

This isn’t just about my family. It seems in society these days older people are treated like children even when they are still very capable and not suffering from dementia of any kind. People hear a number and make automatic assumptions.

Even if they are slowing down a bit, geez oh pete have a little respect. People get frustrated at older people on the road if they drive too slow. Let them have a little bit of independence while their still able. Older people often do have slower reflexes. Really I think it’s safer if they drive slower -for them and for us. I’m not talking about 30 mph on the freeway just a bit slower.

Ok so I’m ranting. But this really gets under my skin. Off soap box now.

 

[Pug]

A couple years back she was in the hospital. They were not controlling her blood sugar properly and she was very shaky -trembling actually. When I brought it up to the nurse he says very dismissively “Oh she’s just upset that’s why she’s shaking.” He says this right in front of her. She was upset because she needed to eat something because of her diabetes and they brought her food an hour late. They also weren’t bringing her meds on time. “Uh…no, I’ve lived with my mother and I have seen her UPSET and this is not the way she acts. Something is wrong.” Yeah something was wrong her blood sugar was like 300+.

This has nothing to do with age. This is hospitals. My rather common experience is that the obvious is missed. I think the safest thing to do if you must be in a hospital is to have a healthy person who loves you next to you at every possible moment. Also, that person must be willing to speak up. Hospitals are not equipped or staffed to offer detailed care.

The hospital experience is just plain at times. It isn’t you at all.

I completely agree that the aged are dismissed, especially by doctors.

 

[OldAgeGuru]

Ok so I’m only 35 and my mom is nearly 80. She drives me nuts but not because she’s old. She’s a “difficult” person but she’s been difficult since I was 10 (probably younger I just didn’t pay as much attention). According my dad she’s been difficult since the honeymoon. I’m sure by saying my mom is nearly 80 you picture a gray haired, frail woman. My mom’s hair is dyed, she is not frail, she’s fiesty little Italian lady.

Doctors blow her off like she’s senile as soon as they see her age, nurses refer to her as sweety and honey like she’s a little girl. I swear if I was her I’d want to smack these people.

A couple years back she was in the hospital. They were not controlling her blood sugar properly and she was very shaky -trembling actually. When I brought it up to the nurse he says very dismissively “Oh she’s just upset that’s why she’s shaking.” He says this right in front of her. She was upset because she needed to eat something because of her diabetes and they brought her food an hour late. They also weren’t bringing her meds on time. “Uh…no, I’ve lived with my mother and I have seen her UPSET and this is not the way she acts. Something is wrong.” Yeah something was wrong her blood sugar was like 300+.
If the Rx states that a pill needs to be taken at 9 AM, the hospital/nursing home has 1 hour on either side of that time to get the person their meds. Was she not being fed because of a procedure or blood work that needed to be done? If not, there is no reason to not advocate on your mom’s behalf or sneak her a piece of hard candy. I know it’s frustrating, and you shouldn’t have to do it, but the thing with hospitals, is that they have a lot of people who need assistance and not a lot of assistance to go around.
Yes some elderly people are senile but not all of them. My aunt (mom’s sister) is 83. Several months ago my cousin sent my mom a DVD recording from last years New Years Eve. My aunt is dancing in 2 inch spindley high heels, in designer jeans and glittery top. My uncle (mom’s brother) who is nearly 90 is dancing with her. Nobody would guess my mom’s or her siblings ages. But if a doctor sees it on her chart she’s suddenly senile. They’ll talk to me instead of her like she can’t understand or something.
I don’t know where you live, but I have the opposite problem with dr’s in the area, they don’t like declaring someone senile, because it opens a whole bunch of doors and paperwork. I have a client who CLEARLY has dementia and it’s exacerbated by a developmental disability. The doctor said she doesn’t have dementia. I almost asked him what cereal box he got his MD out of. However, oftentimes, doctors will talk to the children to make it explicitly clear as to what is going on with the parents, so that the parent can’t fib, or make excuses or lie by ommision with regards to whatever health issue is going on. Sometimes it’s nothing serious at all, but when it is, the doctor wants to make sure that someone responsible knows about it, so that proper steps can be taken to ensure the health and safety of the elder ( ie, grandma’s got macular degeneration and is blind in one eye, and no peripheral vision, guess what? Grandma SHOULD NOT BE DRIVING! Someone needs to make sure her license is removed. Also, some elders, might seem really there and together, but I have seen some of them act completely in control of all their faculties when it’s important, and then pee in a closet because they thought it was a bathroom.
This isn’t just about my family. It seems in society these days older people are treated like children even when they are still very capable and not suffering from dementia of any kind. People hear a number and make automatic assumptions.Not all of us do.

Even if they are slowing down a bit, geez oh pete have a little respect. People get frustrated at older people on the road if they drive too slow. Let them have a little bit of independence while their still able. Older people often do have slower reflexes. Really I think it’s safer if they drive slower -for them and for us. I’m not talking about 30 mph on the freeway just a bit slower.
The only time I really mind the “sunday drivers” is during rush hour. Seriously I either REALLY need to get to work , or I really just want to get home. Find the gas pedal!!!

QUOTE]

 

[gardenswithkids]

…Doctors blow her off like she’s senile as soon as they see her age, nurses refer to her as sweety and honey like she’s a little girl. …My aunt is dancing in 2 inch spindley high heels, in designer jeans and glittery top. My uncle (mom’s brother) who is nearly 90 is dancing with her. Nobody would guess my mom’s or her siblings ages. But if a doctor sees it on her chart she’s suddenly senile. They’ll talk to me instead of her like she can’t understand or something.

This isn’t just about my family. It seems in society these days older people are treated like children even when they are still very capable and not suffering from dementia of any kind. People hear a number and make automatic assumptions… .

HI Rayne, I know, I know. But doctors and nurses are human. They have limited time and they probably just want to make sure someone understands the instructions. Even if your relatives aren’t senile, they may not understand medical “lingo” as a younger, healthier person might–not because of senility but because of education level, current illness and other factors.

Several years ago a doctor unfamiliar with my dad pretty much wrote him off as a “demented old guy” while he was hospitalized. In a follow up appointment, the doctor came to realize my dad was no longer quite as “out-of-it” as he had been when he was really sick. Even for younger, non-senile people, memory still usually worsens under stress (like illness), in unfamiliar settings, (like hospitals) and with certain medications. Instructing a family member isn’t a bad idea, but you can certainly tell the medical staff to speak directly and appropriately to you mom if you think they are off base. My being at that doctor’s appointment with my dad helped that doctor see my father in a different light–I could see the change in the doctor.

The medical staff doesn’t see your mom and aunt wearing sparkly tops while dancing in high heels. They see them when they are sick, wearing pajamas without hair and make-up fixed. They might look a lot closer to their chronological age than you think. Yes, our culture is very youth based, and many judge people by appearances. If any of us–regardless of our age–walked around in pajamas with messy hair, people might treat us like we are demented. One trick I learned for extended hospital stays is to bring somewhat recent pictures of the hospitalized person with other family member–that helps the medical staff see your mom as you see her when she’s healthy.

And even those who suffer senility and dementia deserve to be treated with dignity and respect.

 

[rayne89]

Both my mom and myself are very familiar with hospitals. My sister had cancer twice and I had two open heart surgeries as a child. I didn’t mean just doctors and nurses. Nor was my rant meant as an attack on all nurses or doctors (sorry ), I’ve seen enough to know there’s plenty of hard working, wonderful medical folk out there. Additionally my mom does not go for doctor’s visits in pj’s. She’s of the generation where you dress up to go to the doctors.

Just in general I’ve noticed society brushes the elderly off. These people are full of life experience and knowledge. Even if they are slowing down they need to be treated with dignity and respect -not just as a nuisance to us “faster” people.

 

[Rob_s_Wife]

LOL well thank goodness I’m not alone in these sentiments. It’s demeaning.

---

If the patient is truely “not all there” that’s one thing, but even so it’s tacky to talk to them like they’re 2 yr old idiots. Frankly, I do not speak to my 2 yr olds the way some people talk to the elderly.

---

As for hospitals…
**Oh no… I probably shouldn’t climb on that soapbox. **
I agree with a pp, ALWAYS have someone with you with an extra pair of eyes while you are in the hospital. I don’t care how old you are or why you are there. It’s my experience it isn’t safe to enter those places alone. Human error in such places can be very bad for your health!

 

[gardenswithkids]

…Just in general I’ve noticed society brushes the elderly off. These people are full of life experience and knowledge. Even if they are slowing down they need to be treated with dignity and respect -not just as a nuisance to us “faster” people.

Agreed.

My son’s practicing piano right now-- a slow, peaceful melody. There is a beauty to slowing down. The musical term “retard” is not a judgement of the music’s mental ability, just a command to play the piece slowly to get the effect the composer desires. So often we judge those who are “slower” be it mentally or physically, when it seems to me The Great Conductor is simply using a technique to create something beautiful.

 

[rayne89]

My mom was hiding in the hospital when my sister was in the hospital as a baby in the 60’s when parents were not allowed to stay. And with me too in the early 70’s. I always, always tell people to have someone there. People unfamiliar with hospitals are often way too trusting. I know nurses probably won’t like me here but when it comes to my family visiting hours do not apply.
When my husband’s lung collapse years back the nurses were great. I stayed, they even ordered me a tray (I was pregnant). They we were absolutely wonderful, supportive, friendly etc.

When I was in the hospital one time (different hospital) it was a constant battle with the nurses to have my husband stay. I was about to walk out of the hospital. I had staff lying to me about the rules about family staying, told me my insurance wouldn’t pay if I left etc. Ended with a meeting with HR person who straight out told me the nurses lied…The nurse wouldn’t get my toilet paper because it wasn’t her job, she wasn’t housekeeping …

I could go on but really this wasn’t supposed to be an attack on the medical community. In general I think the elderly are treated poorly in our society.

 

[Peccata]

To All Those with Hospitalized Family Members:

This is not happy advice, but here goes:

As has been stated before, someone needs to be with your loved one as much as possible.

Have a notebook and pen within full view of caretakers. Document the time and occurrence and name of staff for everything that concerns you.

Call to discuss with the Patient Liaison (all hospitals have them).

You would not believe how concern that you are essentially making a discoverable document in the event of a suit down the line affects care. Risk management gets involved and concern about your notebook makes it all the way up the food chain.

You should not be confrontational, just state your concerns. Stay reasonable but focused.

I wish I could say that bad things never happen, but they do.

Retired RN Liver and Kidney Transplant Coordinator

 

[Sr_Sally]

I could go on but really this wasn’t supposed to be an attack on the medical community. In general I think the elderly are treated poorly in our society.

I agree. Although in another way with so many older people living longer and being healthier, I think that will change. Of course, even people in their 50s and 60s are infected by this ‘youth is everything’ craze and are trying so desperately to stay young and hip. I think we need to learn to age with dignity.

 

[Eileen_T]

Yesterday morning was my last working in a Nursing Home facility (I am now self-employed as a web developer). One of my “beefs” has been about caregivers who speak to the residents as if they are little children just because they have had a stroke and can’t communicate easily.

We had one man who was known to get angry and swear or lash out. I “diagnosed” his problem long before the social worker…he was frustrated that very few people would take the time to listen to what he wanted. His speech was slurred and he had an accent, which didn’t help. He spoke verrrry slowly.

 

[Peccata]

Yesterday morning was my last working in a Nursing Home facility (I am now self-employed as a web developer). One of my “beefs” has been about caregivers who speak to the residents as if they are little children just because they have had a stroke and can’t communicate easily.

We had one man who was known to get angry and swear or lash out. I “diagnosed” his problem long before the social worker…he was frustrated that very few people would take the time to listen to what he wanted. His speech was slurred and he had an accent, which didn’t help. He spoke verrrry slowly.

Absolutely! I have seen that more than once. When I did a short stint in Home Health, an elderly stroke patient was creeping up behind her daughter-in-law and hitting her. The DIL had the most condescending manner! I wanted to bash her too!

 

[Anne1964]

My mother is 82 and any time I accompany her to a doctor’s appointment the nurses invariably speak to me first. My mother is definitely not senile and has no problem speaking for herself. She does ask me to go with her because she has trouble remembering all the things the doctors tell her if she is nervous.

What she really hates is when nurses and doctors address her by her first name. She says that is rude. She would like to be addressed as Mrs…

The worst incident of ignoring her because she is elderly occurred a few weeks ago at the bank. My aunt died earlier this year and I was named executor of her estate. When I went to the bank to close an account my Mom happened to be with me. While explaining to the teller what I needed I said I was the executor of the account. He looked at me and pointed at my Mom and asked if I was executor of her account? Uh no…My Mom is still quite alive.

 

[Rob_s_Wife]

What she really hates is when nurses and doctors address her by her first name. She says that is rude. She would like to be addressed as Mrs…

**I agree with your mama. Maybe it’s a cultural or upbringing kind of thing? Irritates me too. I don’t call them DR. ___ if they do that. I call them Rita or Bob. I’m not hateful about it. I just say it like it’s the norm the same way they say my name. Very effective. Once a dr asked why and I very honestly said I was treating him with the same respect he was treating me. ****I’ve always thought it was unprofessional. **

 

[CarrieH]

One of my “beefs” has been about caregivers who speak to the residents as if they are little children just because they have had a stroke and can’t communicate easily.

As a nurse, another annoyance is those family members/caregivers who speak FOR the patients when they are perfectly capable of speaking for themselves. I try to treat everyone as a responsible adult until I have a reason to think otherwise. I’m all for family advocacy, but many times I will go into an elderly person’s room and their visitors start in with “he needs this” or “she needs that,” sometimes without even asking the patient him/herself! In those cases, I establish eye contact with the patient and ask them if they need whatever it was the visitor requested. As an older, experienced nurse, I know to give the patient the benefit of the doubt, but I can certainly understand how some of the younger nurses might assume that an elder isn’t so capable mentally when they sit there silently…for no other reason than their visitors won’t let them get a word in edgewise. And it wouldn’t hurt some visitors to remember that “you catch more flies with honey than with vinegar.”

I do go along with my elderly parents for their doctor visits, etc., simply because they need a driver, and my father is quite hard of hearing. If someone directs a question about him to me, I will repeat it to Dad and let him speak for himself.

 

[Rob_s_Wife]

As a nurse, another annoyance is those family members/caregivers who speak FOR the patients when they are perfectly capable of speaking for themselves.
…
And it wouldn’t hurt some visitors to remember that “you catch more flies with honey than with vinegar.”

**I agree! I always try to start out nice as can be and hope that is where I get to end. **