Making choices and helping girlfriend

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defenderofgood2

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Alright, so this is my first post and I just wanted to see other people’s opinions on this matter. I have been dating my girlfriend for about 2 months now, and I have known her and have been friends with her for about a year. She is protestant and i am of course catholic, we have had discussions of faith while we were getting to know each other as friends. I have realized that not only have I fallen in love with her, but I do love her. And I can recognize the difference. I am 22 she is 18 just to throw that out there. She has not had a very pleasant life, she was abused when she was younger, and suffered from other forms of belittlement, we have slowly started talking about our hopes and future and she has confided her most innermost secrets, the thing that bothers me the most if it should at al is that she smokes marijuana when I really wished she didn’t but she can make her own decisions. She always tells me the truth however and we really don’t hide anything from each other, and with everything that has happened in her life I have chosen to love her no matter what! So the question is should I let her smoking effect me in the long run?
 
The answer is maybe. It sounds like she needs to grow up. She is only 18, but if she continues this behavior, then you will see her making poor choices not just for herself, but in regard to the unit of a married couple. If you see her making these poor decisions then it will eventually erode your respect for her. And she will probably feel that and your resentment or feel that you are nagging her or “judging” her when you express disapproval.This does not a healthy marriage make. So, for you I would guard your heart and think no more of a long term future with her until she does grow up.

I would also be very wary of creating future with her unless she is getting some help for the things she went through. (Also beware that she is not just using you to escape her difficult life). So she does not sound like she is ready for the same level of relationship as you are. (It is understandable, I was 17 when I met my husband, he was 19 almost 20. He was ready to get married long before I was, luckily for us I was mature enough to recognize that, and make sure my own motives were clear, and that I wasn’t just trying to escape overbearing parents. We waited until I was 22 and graduated from college).
 
Wow thanks, you really nailed it in. Especially the overbearing parents part, I believe I’m going to discern again a future with her or not. I have expressed desire and patience to help her get counciling for her. The hardest would obviously be to let her go, and we both know that. But pretty wise words thank you once again!
 
It has been many months since I’ve last posted. I feel like I have been fighting a losing battle here. I have strayed far from God. Ultimately she has not stopped and I kept giving her the benefit of the doubt. Also we have moved in together this past December. And I definitely see now why that was not a good idea to begin with. Things were going great the first month but since we mover out she had expressed a real desire to live her life how she wants it. And has admitted to me more than once that she is not ready for marriage. I asked her to marry me at the beginning of December to prove that I love her. And now we kind of called of the engagement and are just boyfriend and girlfriend. I haven’t really been an excellent example of a Christian either. I have not attended church since I moved in. And have been falling into Tue habit of looking at porn, although I am trying and battling to stop. She discovered this and is beyond hurt from it. And our relationship has been extremely rocky. We usually tell each other everything but our communication has just completely stopped and I feel as though I’m more of a convience now. She told me about a month ago that she has a crush on her best friend but I’m still the person she loves and that since we aren’t married it should be okay as long as she doesn’t act on it, and told me not too worry. But I can’t help but think otherwise. I am really just stumped as to what I should do. I still see a future with her and so does she, but not for many years. I’m stumped whether I should stop the relationship right now. Or continue with her. I love this woman to death and I have done so much for her. But I feel like it should end for awhile. Because if its meant to be it will happen. One of Tue things that I want the most happen is for our communication to start again. To talk things out. We have also engaged in premarital sex. We held out for a long time and I just want to go back to waiting until marriage. Its obvious my thoughts are all over the place… she has guarded her heart to protect herself from being hurt and rightly so. But I also have been putting up walls in case I get hurt too. We don’t have any fights but we are completely quiet around each other. I guess my biggest fear is getting cheated on. I wanted to “leave” her a few times in the relationship because I thought it was going to be hard. I know I’m a coward for doing that. And I have done everything to show her I never wanted too…I sit and worry about her all the time and I know that is nor healthy for a relationship. More than anything I would like help to are if I with the help.of God can turn the relationship around for the better.
 
This is a sad situation for you. Here are a few thoughts:
  1. She sounds really young and her past history of abuse means that she is probably less ready for a serious relationship than other young women her age. She needs a therapist way more than she needs you right now.
  2. You sound like you might accidentally drift into marrying her and that that could be a very serious mistake for you.
  3. Don’t marry anybody because you’re sorry for her, because you feel guilty about your premarital relationship, or because you want to prove to her that you love her. Allow yourself to be a bit selfish–ask yourself what she brings to the table besides being cute. Try to finish the sentence, “I want to be her husband when she’s 70 because…” or “I think she’d be a fantastic mother because…” or “I know I can depend on her because…”
  4. The fact that you’re not arguing isn’t such a great sign. It may just mean that you have given up.
  5. You’ve been dating less than a year–you should be crazy about each other at this point.
  6. “She told me about a month ago that she has a crush on her best friend but I’m still the person she loves and that since we aren’t married it should be okay as long as she doesn’t act on it, and told me not too worry. But I can’t help but think otherwise.”
Of course you do. She’s really young and she isn’t ready for a serious commitment. Cut her loose, give her her freedom. She doesn’t want to be with you and you don’t want to be with her. Don’t make this a permanent mistake.
  1. This relationship has drifted from romance into social work (or maybe it’s always been social work).
  2. Is she living with you just because she has no other place to go?
  3. Find a grown up to date who doesn’t need you to be happy.
 
Yeah I helped her move out because. She kept telling me she needed to move out she despised her situation at home with her parents. But after we moved in together it just slowly went dowwn hill from there. Its obvious she needs this place more than me. And yeah I’m tired of her behavior and I have had discussions about this before. Now if I bring anything up she wont want to talk about it. She keeps saying to let her be free but to just love her. She has always used the excuse that she is hard to love. And I don’t believe that but her actions to be by herself smoking with random people is just starting to take its toll on me. I know the best thing to do is end it. I thought she was the one she is soon to graduate high school but always seems to miss school. She said she wants me to take charge and be a leader. But it has come to a point where I have no idea what to do anymore. I guess the hardest part is what she will do if I cut her loose…mostly suicide and the like. I feel like I would be responsible. I would just be another person in her life that abandoned her in her eyes. But I’m not happy with how this relationship has been going… like I said she needs this place more than me so if we split up soon ill be the one to leave and find my own place…
 
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