Making Friends - Not A Drinker

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tj5421

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I have never really been a drinker or into going to bars. In my lifetime I have had about 5-10 drinks just not to stand out in certain social situations. Personally I just think alcohol tastes horrible and has no real benefits (just leaves you feeling like **** the next day and is unhealthy for you). Also, I had a family member die as a result of alcohol so I’m just not into it. I don’t like going to bars either because you never know what other people are going to do when they have a few drinks in them (fights, DUI’s, etc…).

As a result of this, I find it very hard to do things with friends or meet new people. I am 26 and it seems like all everyone wants to do is go to a bar. For example, at work many co-workers routinely go out on Thursday and Friday after work. They invite me but I just have no interest in drinking and I think it gives me a bad reputation with coworkers. I think it also hinders me because the people that go out build their friendships outside of work and I am sort of left out of their group. I have gone before on a few occasions and just got a coke or a water but it was just boring for me as I was not partaking in drinking, shots, etc… Additionally, I work downtown so there are a number of people from other businesses and it seems like my coworkers network and make other connections through the time they spend at the bars after work.

Personally, I enjoy working out, doing things outside (hiking, biking, skiing, fishing, rock climbing, etc…), and working on cars. It seems like any time I ask a friend to do something “normal” they either can’t do it because they are going to go “out” or they want to somehow involve drinking. As a result, it seems like I can’t find any “normal” friends who just like to do fun stuff instead of spending their whole weekend going to clubs and bars.

Any suggestions?
 
Hey,

I applaud you for avoiding alcohol and not drinking just to fit in. Your reasons for not drinking are great, especially the loss of a family member. I am very sorry about that.

I’m afraid I do not have much to offer you in the form of suggestions but with all of the things you said that you are interested in, I think you definitely will find friends who will work out with you, or hike, or any of the other things. It seems that you just haven’t found those friends…yet. But you will.

Have you thought about joining a local outdoor club? For example, is there a group in your area that gets together every weekend for a rock climb somewhere or something? Or a bike ride? If you find a group that you can join and do something like that with, you’ll find people that have similar interests as you.

Good luck and keep it up. There is nothing wrong with clean living!

AngelBerp
 
I would suggest going to meetup.com and finding local ‘meetups.’ Activities range from book clubs, social outings, karaoke (my personal favourite), dancing lessons, to adventure outings (skiing, hiking, etc.) It’s an awesome way to meet people, and there’s no ‘requirement’ to go to a bar - you can choose which and what meetups you attend.
 
may I ask where you are from? In the Netherlands I always find, that no one finds it strange if someone doesn’t take alcohol, but only a coke for example. Some people have to drive home at the end! So, I don’t find it very social if the biggest part is only thinking about themselves with taking shots etc and leaving someone who isn’t taking alcohol ‘out of the group’
 
I am sure there are people like you who do not put bars and drinking at the top of their list. Some of the suggestions here sound very good.

Even drinking cokes you probably find the conversations very much on the surface of things.
 
Yeah - I ran into the same problem when I was your age.

Professionally, I might join the group once in a while in the bar. Building work relationships is just as important as building “friend” relationships. If you are in a real social profession where relationships and networking matters, then it wouldn’t hurt to spend an hour in the bar, but make other plans for the rest of the night.

Maybe say, “no, I wouldn’t be up for going to the bar, but I’d love to get some coffee.”

It might just be that going to the bar is a habit and nobody’s thought of changing the venue.

Be honest and say, “look, I’d like to do something with you, but I’m just not that into the bar scene.”

For new friends, I’d look into meetup.com or if you like working out, then take a class at the gym or something. I really wouldn’t look for my work “friends” to my “friends”.

Sometimes that happens, but for a lot of people “work” is “work” and “home” is “home” and the two don’t mix - ever.
 
You listed a lot of outdoors activities–why not look for clubs that do those things?

I have to admit, I spent too much time and $$ in bars when I was younger, when I should’ve been doing things like hiking, biking, skiing, fishing, rock climbing, etc…
 
tj5421 said:
I have never really been a drinker or into going to bars. In my lifetime I have had about 5-10 drinks just not to stand out in certain social situations. Personally I just think alcohol tastes horrible and has no real benefits (just leaves you feeling like **** the next day and is unhealthy for you). Also, I had a family member die as a result of alcohol so I’m just not into it. I don’t like going to bars either because you never know what other people are going to do when they have a few drinks in them (fights, DUI’s, etc…).

As a result of this, I find it very hard to do things with friends or meet new people. I am 26 and it seems like all everyone wants to do is go to a bar. For example, at work many co-workers routinely go out on Thursday and Friday after work. They invite me but I just have no interest in drinking and I think it gives me a bad reputation with coworkers. I think it also hinders me because the people that go out build their friendships outside of work and I am sort of left out of their group. I have gone before on a few occasions and just got a coke or a water but it was just boring for me as I was not partaking in drinking, shots, etc… Additionally, I work downtown so there are a number of people from other businesses and it seems like my coworkers network and make other connections through the time they spend at the bars after work.

Personally, I enjoy working out, doing things outside (hiking, biking, skiing, fishing, rock climbing, etc…), and working on cars. It seems like any time I ask a friend to do something “normal” they either can’t do it because they are going to go “out” or they want to somehow involve drinking. As a result, it seems like I can’t find any “normal” friends who just like to do fun stuff instead of spending their whole weekend going to clubs and bars.

Any suggestions?
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Seek out Evangelical Protestants. Many of them don’t drink, and they know how to have a great time without alcohol. I’m not saying that you should get involved with their churches. Just figure out who and where they are in your workplace, and make friends with them.

My husband and I grew up Evangelical Protestant, and we don’t drink and never have and never will. Although many Evangelical Protestant churches have relaxed the rules against drinking alcohol, there are still many Evangelical Protestants who do not drink. I’m serious when I say seek them out.

In our city, we have a Park District that has won many awards for excellence. They have everything from golf courses to ice skating rinks, tennis courts, horseshoe parks, volleyball, horseback riding, dog walk parks, hiking, a huge conservatory (tropical plants), boating, etc. etc. There is a no-alcohol policy at ALL Park District facilities. Maybe your town or city has the same kind of Park District with the same policy. Get involved with the facilities that you are interested in.

You can go to restaurants and coffee shops that don’t serve alcohol (e.g., Starbucks) and just set up shop and hang out. If you’re at all willing to talk to others, you’ll make friends. Another option is to hang out at your local “family-style” restaurants (not the chains). We have several in our city, and lots of people who don’t drink gravitate to these restaurants because of the wholesome atmosphere, great home-cooked food, and lots of opportunities to talk to others. A lot of these restaurants attract a large “blue-haired” crowd, but don’t let that put you off. You’ll find the young people, probably at a corner table gobbling down the best breakfasts in town!
 
tj5421 said:
As a result, it seems like I can’t find any “normal” friends who just like to do fun stuff instead of spending their whole weekend going to clubs and bars.

Any suggestions?
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I think I highlighted the main part of your problem.

I don’t know if you actually say it this way or just think it, but considering people who don’t drink as “normal” and those who do drink as “NOT normal”, you’re setting up a barrier between yourself and other people. Many people who enjoy fun stuff like to have a drink occasionally (I’m one of them… I’m not particularly athletic, but I don’t like going to bars or clubs either.)

If you really don’t like going to bars or clubs, then don’t go. But don’t act like you think there is something wrong with the people who do. Just say, “No thanks, but you guys have a great time! I’m going to (fill in blank with whatever activity you’d rather be doing.)” In conversations with co-workers, mention the things you like to do. If anyone shows a spark of interest, ask them if they’d like to join you. Check out some other venues where alcohol isn’t served (someone mentioned a coffee house… one of our local ones has open mike on Fridays and free movies on Saturdays). If you really like a couple of those places, then maybe YOU can issue the invitation sometime.

But don’t develop a “them vs. me” outlook… it’s a recipe for loneliness.
 
bluerose has the right idea. Don’t make it a you versus them thing. Many people like to go out to the bars at night and do something else during the day. If you’re getting invited to the bars… then why not go, just order non-alcoholic drinks and talk to those people. Then find out what they like to do on the weekends and invite them to do some kind of adventure. Chances are that they’ll be a little looser due to the booze and more likely to say “SIGN ME UP” when you suggest a kayaking trip or something.
 
The_Bucket said:
bluerose has the right idea. Don’t make it a you versus them thing. Many people like to go out to the bars at night and do something else during the day. If you’re getting invited to the bars… then why not go, just order non-alcoholic drinks and talk to those people. Then find out what they like to do on the weekends and invite them to do some kind of adventure. Chances are that they’ll be a little looser due to the booze and more likely to say “SIGN ME UP” when you suggest a kayaking trip or something.
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And that’s why those of us who don’t drink don’t really like going to bars with friends or acquaintances. It’s no fun talking to “loose” people because you’re never sure if you can take them seriously or not. Maybe you think that’s fun, but I sure don’t. It’s disconcerting and frustrating.

And even if they do sign up for the kayaking trip when they’re “loose,” when they sober up and you remind them of it, they’ll say, “Oh, hey, I don’t know what I was thinking. I can’t do that after all. Sorry.”

I understand where tj5421 is coming from when he says, “Normal”. It’s the DRINKERS who divide people and consider the non-drinkers “abnormal.”

When I was in college, my roommate and I entered “The Roommate Game” at one of our dorm socials. We had known each other since grade school, and so we soared through the questions. It came down to us and one other set of roommates, and the question was, “What is your favorite cocktail?” (IMO, this question was utterly inappropriate, since the majority of the students were underaged and if they drank alcohol, they were doing so illegally.)

My roommate and I knew we had it in the bag, because neither of us drank alcohol. So when the question was posed to us, I said, “Neither of us drink alcohol.”

You would have thought that I said, “Both of us are child molesters.”

The entire room, hundreds of students, booed us. Cries of protests went up, and people called out that we should be disqualified. I was shocked and afraid of these people. Hey, I thought alcohol made everyone mellow and friendly. Uh UH! Don’t ever try to tell me that, because that night, I realized that alcohol is not a good thing, at least for students.

We ended up winning, but for months after that, we were dissed and made fun of by many of the “normal” drinkers in that dorm. I never felt comfortable in that dorm after that, and eventually ended up moving off campus with another non-drinker.

So like I said, it’s not the non-drinkers who look down on drinkers. It’s the other way around.
 
Cat said:
So like I said, it’s not the non-drinkers who look down on drinkers. It’s the other way around.
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Well, then my experiences have been different. I’ve gotten into conversations with people who seem to be clicking with me and then get asked what I do. I mention that I’m a cake decorator and writer (“Oh, how neat!”), then mention that I work at a winery and the wall comes down. “Do you drink?” “Oh, my husband and I like to have a glass of wine in the evenings.” And suddenly we’re lumped in with the weekend partiers who figure every hour is five o’clock. We’ve even gotten the evil eye when going out with acquaintances and we order wine with dinner.

For the record, we’re not into the bar or club scene. We might go if a friend or relative (my sister in particular) invites us to go for a birthday, but we stick around long enough for one drink then we go (and by drink, I mean a Coke or iced tea… maybe a beer for my husband). We don’t care for the atmosphere, but mainly the price of the drinks keeps us to a one drink maximum! We will, however, go to a lounge with some friends or just with each other to have a cocktail and unwind. A lounge has a completely different atmosphere than a bar or club and it’s what we prefer. But I wouldn’t term someone who joins us and has a soft drink, iced tea, or coffee as “not normal”. I usually switch to a Coke after one margarita… I know my limits.
 
I was never in the bar scene either - I was never a big drinker - and I would generally have preferred a soda. I didn’t like bars - more because they were often too noisy to talk than any objection to alcohol.

but when we had after work functions, I would go - for an hour or so. When i was about your age - they had a weekly thing where a half-dozen or so people would always go to a bar across from work - every Thursday. They even had a name for it.

It may not be ideal - but it, as you have found, a way to make friends of coworkers - and find out more about them than what the work environment provided. Most people are interested in themselves - so if you ask people questions about their hobbies, their friends, their interests, they will usually keep talking to you. Joking around about work is usually a good stress releaser.

And I never found that people at these functions were in it to get drunk. So they didn’t care whether i drank or not. I never made a big deal about it - I didn’t lecture or advise them - i just ordered my diet-coke and that was that. And I didn’t stay for a long time - an hour perhaps.

But, by all means - meet friends doing the activities you enjoy as well. You might sometime find someone at work who you might invite to go hiking or whatever. If you have the opportunity to tell people how much fun you had last weekend - sometime - some will ask you about it - and you could invite them along to try it if you like.

But don’t wear your disdain for drinking on your sleeve. While there may be people who abuse alcohol among the ranks - there may be others not so different from you.
 
Thanks for the tips, I am definitely going to look into joining a few groups related to my interests. That meetup.com site was actually pretty cools, thanks!

I have absolutely no problem with someone who likes to have a glass of wine with their dinner or get the occasional drink on the weekend. However, I don’t know if its just the age group I’m in but it seems like everyone I know is more into getting completely out of control. I guess that is why I referred to people who don’t drink as “normal” because I don’t think that it is normal to be drunk at least once a week.

I guess I just have a jaded view of alcohol. I have seen it completely ruin people’s lives. I just think it is unfortunate how drinking/bars/clubs is now something which is glorified in our society.
 
Go out with your friends and have a good time drinking diet pepsi. If you feel self-conscious about diet pepsi, order one drink that you like and nurse it for a long time. I don’t drink much either, but I can still have a good time. Order your coworkers nachos or wings to go with their drinks and they will all like you.
 
tj5421 said:
I guess I just have a jaded view of alcohol. I have seen it completely ruin people’s lives. I just think it is unfortunate how drinking/bars/clubs is now something which is glorified in our society.
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I used to be one of those people who partied with drink. I regret every single minute of it. After getting sober, I look back and realize how fake all those “good times” were. Order a class of water with ice and tell em it’s vodka. 😃
 
Cat said:
And that’s why those of us who don’t drink don’t really like going to bars with friends or acquaintances. It’s no fun talking to “loose” people because you’re never sure if you can take them seriously or not. Maybe you think that’s fun, but I sure don’t. It’s disconcerting and frustrating.

And even if they do sign up for the kayaking trip when they’re “loose,” when they sober up and you remind them of it, they’ll say, “Oh, hey, I don’t know what I was thinking. I can’t do that after all. Sorry.”

I understand where tj5421 is coming from when he says, “Normal”. It’s the DRINKERS who divide people and consider the non-drinkers “abnormal.”

When I was in college, my roommate and I entered “The Roommate Game” at one of our dorm socials. We had known each other since grade school, and so we soared through the questions. It came down to us and one other set of roommates, and the question was, “What is your favorite cocktail?” (IMO, this question was utterly inappropriate, since the majority of the students were underaged and if they drank alcohol, they were doing so illegally.)

My roommate and I knew we had it in the bag, because neither of us drank alcohol. So when the question was posed to us, I said, “Neither of us drink alcohol.”

You would have thought that I said, “Both of us are child molesters.”

The entire room, hundreds of students, booed us. Cries of protests went up, and people called out that we should be disqualified. I was shocked and afraid of these people. Hey, I thought alcohol made everyone mellow and friendly. Uh UH! Don’t ever try to tell me that, because that night, I realized that alcohol is not a good thing, at least for students.

We ended up winning, but for months after that, we were dissed and made fun of by many of the “normal” drinkers in that dorm. I never felt comfortable in that dorm after that, and eventually ended up moving off campus with another non-drinker.

So like I said, it’s not the non-drinkers who look down on drinkers. It’s the other way around.
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I’m sorry that you’ve had a bad experience with people who drink, but I really would appreciate it if you could make a distinction between those who drink to get tipsy and drunk versus those who drink reasonable amounts because they enjoy it and, from time to time, as a slight social lubricant. There is a huge difference between the two. In the latter case people are still fully aware of and in control of everything they say or agree to and if they agree to hang out will hold to it as often as they would if they hadn’t had anything to drink when they agreed to it. It sounds to me like you were only ever exposed to people who abuse alcohol rather than those who use it moderately. Not all people who drink alcohol are the same.
 
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