Making Genuine Catholic Friends?

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So, through high school and college, I struggled to find genuine Catholic friends. The people I thought I was good friends with ended up not feeling the same way about me, or else they just tried to keep up a charade of friendliness so as not to be unchristian. Some even wanted to convert me to their non-catholic faith. I have gone over this problem in my brain too many times to count. But, I currently have no friends. Even those that I invited to my wedding have since fizzled out of my life despite my efforts to keep the friendship. To put it bluntly, I am very lonely (at least when my husband is not home, which is often because of his work). But also, because I have had a lot of socially traumatic experiences in my life, I feel scared to join groups where, in my mind, I most likely won’t be truly welcomed. How do I overcome this fear and loneliness in a Christ-centered way? How do I not allow myself to feel upset, for example, by Catholics who think they are holier than me because I am not part of the charismatic movement, or who, conversely, put me down for “praying too much”? I still have a lot to learn in this area of my life and would love some kind advice. God bless. 🙏
 
I think I understand.

I know there’s a lot of shallow in this world and you’re probably someone who wants something deeper than that. I mean you’re probably looking for solid connections.

My best would be to stop coming at it from the angle of expecting anything much in others. I’d suggest you focus incredibly strongly on just trying to make the lives of those around you the best they can be. Be thoughtful and kind without expectations and that way free from disappointments. This will serve you in a couple of ways.

First it’ll lower the bar for you and let you relax more when you’re with others.

Next it’ll make you a very desirable person. I mean who doesn’t like to hang out with the happiest and most caring person in the room? Seriously if you’re not that light for others? Think about it carefully and try to imagine the kind of person you’d swing towards in a natural way.

I’ve often found I get the most pals when I’m least expecting it? And I get the fewest when I try too hard. So maybe that’ll help in some way for you?

Hope that helps!

Peace Mary. And hey, you can be my pal anytime 😉

-Trident
 
Thank you for your response!

I have thought about this before, and I have put this into practice in my life. But it still doesn’t seem to help me make/keep friends. For example, I sent a handmade gift to one of my friends for a holiday and I never got a reply back. And, I have since not heard anything from them even though I see them posting on social media. I have given them distance since then because I feel like they don’t want to be friends anymore for whatever reason and I don’t want to invade their personal space. Another example from the past is that I congratulated a friend on the birth of her child and she completely ignored me. I am honestly starting to think someone cursed me or something. I had one best friend for years until one day she said that I don’t want to do things with her enough and she stopped talking to me cold turkey. I later found her holy book (not the bible) stuffed in my closet. I just have a series of very unfortunate friendships. I am not mad at anyone either, though I am sad. I am just baffled at why I am not a good enough friend in their book. I have been beating myself up a lot over this too, which can’t be healthy.
 
I am happiest when I am with friends who are my complete oposite on a lot of levels. Maybe try that, if you are friendless right now, before you spend too much effort looking for someone just like you. The good thing about it is, if it doesn’t work out, you can chalk it up to your differences and move on without feeling it so personally. It really is fun.
 
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I think I am like that too, though when people are different from me, in my experience they don’t like me because I am too conservative, shy, or modest in my actions. Or on the other hand, in a very conservative person’s view, I might be too worldly, which I don’t think I am, but everyone is entitled to their opinion.
 
Oh man.

Oh yeah I know what you mean. I can see how this happens. I honestly have some pretty parallel examples. I mean I know how this goes sometimes.

But the thing that usually helps is not to overreact or let the upsets faze.

Here’s the thing I’ve learned about a lot of other people.

Some of them are lazy? Or not motivated? Or not as considerate? Or distracted? Or really just not raised with good manners.

Now not everyone is like this? But honestly it happens and those are the ones you remember. And those are the ones you sort of take to heart and think it’s something about you.

And while maybe it’s a sign of some sort of a rough edge on how you might come across? More often it’s a sign of mismatched alignments.

I think I’d rather PM you about more of these details. But one thing you might want to do if you haven’t already? Look into temperaments and see if that helps at all? I mean a lot of the time it can be pretty handy to understand the motivations we have that are different from others. That way we can stop looking for signals that we’d recognize, but that really aren’t in the zone of comfort of the person who’s supposed to send them.

Try something like this if you haven’t already.

https://www.16personalities.com/personality-types
 
Trident_H said:
More often it’s a sign of mismatched alignments.
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This is a really good point. Its very likely that is what I am experiencing. I think I tend to be a very emotional person and the people I have been friends with in the past are much more cerebral. Though, I do get the occasional judgmental once-over which feels a bit violating tbh.
 
Do you have a good sense of humor? I have found that by having my sense of humor be that piece of me that is in alignment with another, it forges a strong relationship even if we are very different in every other way.
 
I make jokes, but they’re mostly dad jokes. Kinda lame. haha Maybe that’s why? 😅

edit: dad jokes meaning corny jokes.
 
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Find friends who think your dad jokes are funny. That is an easy thing to figure out. Crack a few jokes soon after you meet someone. If they laugh and chime in with their own, you may have just found yourself a long-lasting friend!
 
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Maybe your own family (husband and children) are your mission field right now.

Also, rather than looking for lifelong buds, join the groups that do the things you’re interested in, and have fun being in the moment and doing the activities.

But please understand, I can relate. When I was younger, because of reasons, I was too “out there” for the churchy kids and too tame for the party crowd. But I found my own tribe and we range all over the political and spiritual landscape. And as I get older, the churchy crowd understands me better.

But God comes first and your DH and kiddos next. 🙂
 
0Scarlett_nidiyilii said:
my own tribe
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I’m going to borrow that phrase from now on. 😁

And I agree, I think I do need to focus on my marriage. My husband and I haven’t been blessed with any kiddos yet (though we did miscarry one), but hopefully, that will come soon. We’ve been praying for that for two years so far. 🙏
 
I’m so sorry for your loss :cry:
Hugs and prayers, sister.
 
Perhaps you can volunteer in any charity events organized by the local parish, and then you might make new friends there.
 
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