Making sure child doesn't make same mistakes

[MainBrain]

How can a parent make sure their teenage child doesn’t make the same mistakes or get into the same bad habits in life?

 

[pensmama87]

How can a parent make sure their teenage child doesn’t make the same mistakes or get into the same bad habits in life?

I don’t think you can.

BUT…if you know what led you to make certain bad choices or develop bad habits, you can work on creating a different situation that will make those choices less attractive. I know some of the poor decisions I made as an adolescent came out of a desperate insecurity. Even though now I understand that my parents love me, I did not have assurance of that as a teen. They tried to make me “tough,” and all that did was make me feel lonely and isolated. So I sought attachment in all the wrong places.

I think having a solid relationship with your children, where they know beyond a shadow of a doubt that you love them and want the best for them, is going to be your best bet. Teens are still impulsive and don’t reason as well as they will when they are adults, but there will probably be less outright defiance. Trying to simply exert authority without visible love behind it will probably backfire.

 

[styrgwillidar]

How can a parent make sure their teenage child doesn’t make the same mistakes or get into the same bad habits in life?

Depends on the kid. They are all different, what works for one won’t work for another.

Some people just have to learn the hard way. They have to make the mistakes themselves vice learning from others mistakes.

Some kids will listen. Some won’t. I took the approach of trying to get my kids to think long term, what their goals would be, what they would want to do. Then showed them how certain mistakes or choices would be permanent blocks to achieving those goals. Tried to show them how certain rules/ways to live weren’t efforts to spoil their fun but instead enable their long-term happiness. Graduate high school with a 4.0+ and no criminal record, they have a lot of options. Graduate with a 3.0 and some minor busts, they’ve closed a lot of doors and possibilities.

Most kids don’t really have a clue what they want to do in life. What career they’ll be pursuing, so its harder for them to see why taking a risk while they’re young may hose them down the road. The earlier your kid finds a passion in life, something they want to pursue later, the more they’ll see how mistakes will keep them from pursuing that passion. Help them find those passions.

 

[robwar]

How can a parent make sure their teenage child doesn’t make the same mistakes or get into the same bad habits in life?

the simplest answer is to be honest with your children about your past mistakes and how those mistakes damaged your life, your struggle to overcome them and heal and the hope and pray that they will not repeat the same error or sin.

 

[AClaire11]

I agree with the other posters and would like to add that encouraging good influences (and discouraging bad ones) is very important, as is actually talking to your children about issues and not waiting for them to be a problem.

 

[Xantippe]

Very good advice, everybody.

I was a plump, mostly sedentary tween and teen with a love of food and a habit of sneaking sweets when unsupervised. My mom had had her own struggles with weight and was reasonably successful and she tried to give me pointers (don’t eat like a truck driver! only one!) but it was all very external. Once I got out on my own, got married and had a tall guy to have romantic meals with, matching bite for bite, I started having large portions of ice cream and cake and really blimped out.

Looking back, I think that while the advice I got from my mom was on the whole good, 1) it didn’t give me rules to live by and 2) it was very external. I never, until much too late, internalized the ideas.

My 12-year-old daughter has (surprise, surprise!) a very similar body type to what my sister and I had at the same age–a definite tendency toward pudge. On the one hand, I don’t want to beat down her self-esteem and give her an eating disorder. On the other hand, there was a year where she gained 23 pounds from 9 to 10 years of age, so we really needed to hit the brakes.

So far, my solution has been to be very, very specific and to offer rules, rather than just say “do this, do that.” Here are the rules: aim for one hour of exercise daily (may take one day a week off), dinner should be 50% fruit and vegetables, maximum of 1.5 sweets a day (with the possibility of 2 sweets on special occasions and I don’t require the kids to report school sweets). I am very happy to report that while these are mainly goals, rather than things we actually do every day, she has internalized the ideas, and she understands why we have the rules we do. She understands that it’s not just mommy being mean and I’ve (thank you Lord!) never caught her sneaking sweets like I used to do at her age. So, so far, so good.

 

[EasterJoy]

You can’t, and if you are talking specifically about making the same mistakes you did, it may be better off not to try.

I don’t think I’d concentrate particularly on keeping your child from repeating your mistakes. Instead, look at the most serious and the most pervasive near occasions of sin that your child is likely to face, and particularly try to teach them to want to avoid those.

Sure, you can include avoidance of the mistakes you made, but that can backfire into driving a child into the opposite mistake.

 

[pensmama87]

So far, my solution has been to be very, very specific and to offer rules, rather than just say “do this, do that.” Here are the rules: aim for one hour of exercise daily (may take one day a week off), dinner should be 50% fruit and vegetables, maximum of 1.5 sweets a day (with the possibility of 2 sweets on special occasions and I don’t require the kids to report school sweets). I am very happy to report that while these are mainly goals, rather than things we actually do every day, she has internalized the ideas, and she understands why we have the rules we do. She understands that it’s not just mommy being mean and I’ve (thank you Lord!) never caught her sneaking sweets like I used to do at her age. So, so far, so good.

This is very good and practical. I used to do the same (well, it went on a lot longer than my teens. ) and I know this is something I don’t want to have happen to my kids, especially if I have a daughter (I know boys can struggle with body image issues too, but I have very intimate experience with how devastating this can be for girls). Having specific guidelines is a really good idea, as well as making sure kids know WHY those guidelines exist. That goes well beyond eating moderately.

 

[MomaMary8]

How can a parent make sure their teenage child doesn’t make the same mistakes or get into the same bad habits in life?

My advice is to treat your child as an independent person and not to analyze his/her behavior based on what you did or didn’t do as a teenager. I see too often parents super-imposing their emotions and thoughts inside the mind of their child. News flash: they have their own way of thinking. You may be aware of certain dangers out there due to your poor choices in life, but educate and guide your child and don’t assume their behavior is based on the same reasons you did it.

As a Catholic you have a good moral guideline to follow. Educate yourself on moral issues and then you’ll be better able to guide your budding adult with sound moral principles and guidelines.

God bless

 

[Xantippe]

Speaking of bad habits and mistakes, I also had some spending issues for probably the first 8 years of married life. I had been pretty good as a single gal doing an envelope system with cash when I was in the Peace Corps, but once I got married 1) I had handed over bill-paying to my husband so I wasn’t paying attention to how much we had and 2) credit cards made the whole business of money much more abstract and elastic and 3) I went on a bit of a spree. I eventually got over it, but I would like our kids to avoid that whole process.

Our middle child is very serious and prudent and not a spender (the latter quality is very much like his daddy). He’s one of those kid misers, so he almost needs to be told to loosen up a little. His older sister is temperamentally very much like me–she looooves spending money and she looooves nice things. A few years back, if you handed her $40, it would pretty much immediately evaporate. Hand $40 to her younger brother, and he’d ask you to deposit it in his savings account, even from a very early age. Our oldest is starting to get more and more savvy, though, I think.

Here’s what we’ve done with the kids to encourage healthy and prudent money habits:

1. We’ve provided earning opportunities for the kids, $1 here, $2 there, plus I’ve hustled up mother’s helper gigs for my oldest child with close friends, which, from the kid point of view, is pretty much a license to print money. If the kids want something morally reasonable, they do have opportunities to earn whatever it is.
2. We buy the kids birthday gifts and Christmas gifts and pay for activities and and basic necessities, but they are expected to purchase anything else they want with their own money. The kids have assimilated the idea that when the money is gone, it’s gone, and I don’t hear a lot of whining in stores anymore.
3. The kids have piggies in their rooms. (A clear one is good for kids, especially little kids.)
4. The kids have savings accounts. To reduce hassle, we are willing to open an account with $100 and we are willing to process deposits in increments of $50. The money in savings will be available to the children for car purchases and once they are of college age. Our oldest has just opened her account and her younger brother (the miser) already has $250+ in his.
5. This is a little complicated, but I keep a tally for “travel funds.” I divert some of the kids’ money there so they usually have money for special purchases on trips. They probably don’t need it now, but back in the day, it was very sad to go on a trip with no money for the gift shops!
6. I also try to remember to put a percentage of the kids’ earnings into a box labeled “Kid 1 Charity” and “Kid 2 Charity.” When the box is full, we can count the money and make a donation to a charity of the child’s choice. (I haven’t been keeping up with #5 and #6 lately, but over the years, the kids have made substantial donations to Heifer.)
7. My husband and I also try to teach by example. We do a monthly budget meeting every month and make it clear to the kids when we are saving for large items.

That’s about it at the moment. I’ve also tried to give the kids talks about the evils of credit, how if you borrow $100 on credit cards for a year, you might have to pay back $130, or how if you borrow $100 from a payday, lender for a year, you have pay back $700. The kids were horrified. It’s too early, though, to say if it’s actually sinking in, because they’re too small to have the option of borrowing money. We’ll see in 6-9 years…

 

[EasterJoy]

Speaking of bad habits and mistakes, I also had some spending issues for probably the first 8 years of married life. I had been pretty good as a single gal doing an envelope system with cash when I was in the Peace Corps, but once I got married 1) I had handed over bill-paying to my husband so I wasn’t paying attention to how much we had and 2) credit cards made the whole business of money much more abstract and elastic and 3) I went on a bit of a spree. I eventually got over it, but I would like our kids to avoid that whole process.

Our middle child is very serious and prudent and not a spender (the latter quality is very much like his daddy). He’s one of those kid misers, so he almost needs to be told to loosen up a little. His older sister is temperamentally very much like me–she looooves spending money and she looooves nice things. A few years back, if you handed her $40, it would pretty much immediately evaporate. Hand $40 to her younger brother, and he’d ask you to deposit it in his savings account, even from a very early age. Our oldest is starting to get more and more savvy, though, I think.

Here’s what we’ve done with the kids to encourage healthy and prudent money habits:

1. We’ve provided earning opportunities for the kids, $1 here, $2 there, plus I’ve hustled up mother’s helper gigs for my oldest child with close friends, which, from the kid point of view, is pretty much a license to print money. If the kids want something morally reasonable, they do have opportunities to earn whatever it is.
2. We buy the kids birthday gifts and Christmas gifts and pay for activities and and basic necessities, but they are expected to purchase anything else they want with their own money. The kids have assimilated the idea that when the money is gone, it’s gone, and I don’t hear a lot of whining in stores anymore.
3. The kids have piggies in their rooms. (A clear one is good for kids, especially little kids.)
4. The kids have savings accounts. To reduce hassle, we are willing to open an account with $100 and we are willing to process deposits in increments of $50. The money in savings will be available to the children for car purchases and once they are of college age. Our oldest has just opened her account and her younger brother (the miser) already has $250+ in his.
5. This is a little complicated, but I keep a tally for “travel funds.” I divert some of the kids’ money there so they usually have money for special purchases on trips. They probably don’t need it now, but back in the day, it was very sad to go on a trip with no money for the gift shops!
6. I also try to remember to put a percentage of the kids’ earnings into a box labeled “Kid 1 Charity” and “Kid 2 Charity.” When the box is full, we can count the money and make a donation to a charity of the child’s choice. (I haven’t been keeping up with #5 and #6 lately, but over the years, the kids have made substantial donations to Heifer.)
7. My husband and I also try to teach by example. We do a monthly budget meeting every month and make it clear to the kids when we are saving for large items.

That’s about it at the moment. I’ve also tried to give the kids talks about the evils of credit, how if you borrow $100 on credit cards for a year, you might have to pay back $130, or how if you borrow $100 from a payday, lender for a year, you have pay back $700. The kids were horrified. It’s too early, though, to say if it’s actually sinking in, because they’re too small to have the option of borrowing money. We’ll see in 6-9 years…

Lots of good ideas.

My husband got the idea from some magazine to start giving the kids interest on their savings, which started out at 4%, compounded monthly–one penny for every quarter they saved (although if you do the math, you will see why the rate has to come down before too long–wow, what an allowance that would be!!) The idea behind this is that the amount paid on a normal savings account is not enough to impress a kid, for whom one month is a LONG TIME.

When they wanted to spend it, they got to see a table of how different their account balance would be in one year. Now that they are teens, they are very careful with their purchases!

I like your main point–that is, that teaching good habits and a more mature awareness of how life works goes a long ways towards avoiding many common “mistakes” in life.

 

[DarkLight]

Also, pick your battles. I think I’d have respected my mother’s advice more if she didn’t try to stop me from everything I might regret. Focus on the things that will have a long-term impact. Ignore things that won’t. Make sure your kids are modest, but don’t fuss if they want to go out looking stupid.

 

[Xantippe]

Lots of good ideas.

My husband got the idea from some magazine to start giving the kids interest on their savings, which started out at 4%, compounded monthly–one penny for every quarter they saved (although if you do the math, you will see why the rate has to come down before too long–wow, what an allowance that would be!!) The idea behind this is that the amount paid on a normal savings account is not enough to impress a kid, for whom one month is a LONG TIME.
**
Yeah–the current sub 1% interest is hard to hype. I’d be tempted to do that sort of “improved” interest thing if the kids were more resistant to saving

I will probably do the matching program for a first car that Dave Ramsey recommends for kids.**

When they wanted to spend it, they got to see a table of how different their account balance would be in one year. Now that they are teens, they are very careful with their purchases!

I like your main point–that is, that teaching good habits and a more mature awareness of how life works goes a long ways towards avoiding many common “mistakes” in life.

It’s hard to tell if it’s all clicking without them having “live fire” exposure to credit yet, but I’m trying to improve a bit on my childhood.

1. There weren’t consistent opportunities to earn.
2. I didn’t have any savings project as a tween. I got birthday money or sporadic earnings, I spent the money as soon as there was an attractive opportunity. (Most of my later teen earning did go toward college, but that was it.)
3. While we did technically have savings accounts, they weren’t being added to in any consistent kind of way and we weren’t encouraged to add to them. I’m not sure they ever contained more than about $100, as my parents tended to tap the kid accounts in time of need. They needed to do it, I’m sure, but it was somewhat demoralizing and it failed to teach the lesson that a savings account is supposed to teach.
4. There wasn’t a lot of home education on giving. So as a child, I didn’t realize that giving should be on income, not “net worth,” so to speak.

 

[Musician]

I’m not sure you can ever make sure children don’t make the same mistakes.
Raising children is pretty hard but there are some guidelines I followed.

• Chore charts to keep them on task at home.
• Finish what you start.
• Good healthy eating and exercise outside.
• Only an hour of TV per day, or conversely, video games.
• Family Dinner is a priority. Be there.
• Going to Mass every single Sunday is also top of the list.
• Good academic performance is expected.

Helped me.

 

[SayehMahtabi]

These may or may not apply to you. But as someone who was a teenager not so long ago, these are things I wish my parents had known…

To do:

• consider what you are going to say before you talk
• emphasize that you still love your child no matter what
• show that you understand why these bad choices are tempting
• explain the impact similar choices made on your life
• keep it short and sweet: teenagers have limited attention spans
• listen to what your child says: keep in mind that you may not know the whole situation

Not to do:

• get angry or yell
• tell your child that s/he is a failure or “bad”
• talk over what your child tries to tell you: it might be important

Hope this helps.

Edited to add: These suggestions are not intended to mean that you should not discipline your child or give them hard limits for behavior. However, it looked like plenty of people have given suggestions in that direction. I don’t have any experience being a parent, but I think to be effective, you want to balance strictness with love and understanding.

 

[CyrilSebastian]

I feel that a father should not brag about his bad failures.
He should speak about success.
Do not expect your children to be a carbon copy of yourself.

 

[Xantippe]

I feel that a father should not brag about his bad failures.
He should speak about success.
Do not expect your children to be a carbon copy of yourself.

That could be rather crushing to a child, if the child couldn’t see that the father had had setbacks in life, too.

 

[CyrilSebastian]

That could be rather crushing to a child, if the child couldn’t see that the father had had setbacks in life, too.

 The father can speak about previous bad failures.      
However, why brag so much about these that the child might be influenced and want to do the same thing?