Male/ Female Teens praying together

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My almost 18 yr old son is ‘friends’ with a girl who just turned 16. We talk about being friends, but I know they feel more than that. (hey, they’re teens w/ hormones!)

Anyway, the girls mom and another friend have encouraged them to pray together. At first I didn’t mind, but I’m starting to suspect that perhaps it’s causing them to become more spiritually intimate than they need to be. Obviously I’m all for prayer, but do you think it can make 2 people closer than they ought to be? Closer than is proper for their age and state in life? If they only prayed together in the context of youth group, that would be a different story.

Part of me thinks I’m worrying for nothing, but by making the relationship so spiritual, I wonder if it will be harder to break off if and when the time comes (and at their ages, I do believe the time will come to end it) Any experienced parents of teens want to chime in? —KCT
 
Actually, I think you are quite correct to be concerned.

Kimberly Hahn speaks about this and actually warns against it in one-on-one settings. She believes that the spiritual intimacy can lead to wanting to experience physical intimacy because it ignites the passion for the Lord and in turn for one another. She suggests it’s fine to pray together but keep it to mass or in a chapel or somewhere public. Don’t necessarily keep it ultra personal, either (like hand-holding or sharing extremely private intentions). When spiritual maturity is very developed and there is a formal committment to one another (as in, engagement) then spiritual intimacy is good to have. Until then, it can be somewhat dangerous without the right focus.

I personally know one person who fell into serious and repeated mortal sin after developing a seemingly healthy but very personal prayer life with a girl at the time. He was 28 and she was 25–not nearly as young and hormonally crazed as an 18 year old and 16 year old who may not be able to think past immediate needs in a hazy situation. As for the person I know, they would pray at his house, in the living room, and then it would lead to… “gosh I feel so close to you” …and then mortal sin. They also had a very difficult breakup and I later became friends with the girl, too, who told me how it had given her a major faith crisis. Neither is married, three years later, and both seem very confused about marriage as a vocation and intimacy in general. These were virgins before this happened and I fear the experience really hurt them, as…most faithful young Catholics are very excited to find another faithful young Catholic…but when prayer leads to sin, it can be very confusing!
 
It sounds like the girls mom has more in mind for your son than you do vis a vis this relationship. While I appreciate that mom’s desire for wholesome friendships, praying together is a recipe for disaster as others have posted on this thread. If this were my child (and I have three teenagers), I would quietly discourage the relationship and try to urge your son to develop more friendships with solid Christian boys, or do volunteer work, etc. And I think you should tell your son the truth about praying with girls: it lends an intensity to the relationship that has a momentum of its own. You have so many good things to talk about with your boy, its so good to have these discussions while he’s under your grace-filled roof.
 
male/female teen couples do not do any activity together, including praying or studying, alone behind closed doors. In fact, their bedrooms should be off limits to friends. Veteran mom of teens speaking up here, and I certainly have not forgotten the lines I used to hand my parents on that topic.

praying together is fine activity that should be encouraged–in a prayer group that is part of youth group or CCD, in the family circle, or another setting that does not present a near occassion of sin for the couple.
 
How much praying do they do together and in what setting? I dunno if I would jump to conclusions necessarily. I went to daily Mass with my girlfriend and we both acknowledged that sexual intimacy was not something either of us was willing to give outside of marriage. If they set lines and don’t cross them, then I don’t know if it is really all that bad (could make for a messy breakup or a wonderful relationship). Granted, most high school relationships are woderfully successful, so you may be right.

Eamon
 
Her parents are fairly strict; my son can not drive her anywhere, they are not supposed to be alone at her house or anywhere else. She does not drive yet, so they can’t sneak off and meet somewhere. (we live too far away for them to meet any other way than by car)

What started all this was her comment about having scheduled confession for both of them on Saturday morning. (w/ a good priest, so that’s not the issue) My son had other plans and the girl got annoyed. For an engaged or married couple to make confession appointments one after another is one thing. For a couple of teens it’s another. That’s what got me thinking about them praying together. I do plan to speak to her mom about all of this. Her mom or dad would have to drive her to confession, so they had to know about it. Yes, her mom does like my son and wants them to have a wholesome relationship, but I’m starting to think she needs to back off 🙂 I also plan to ask my son why the girl scheduled confession for both of them. —KCT
 
I think your gut feeling on this one is right on, KCT. It seems a little presumptuous of this girl’s mother to schedule confession for your son. Did I read that right?
 
Egads! Going to confession together (although not in the confession room at the same time…) is something I would expect from engaged couples, not teens. I’d cancel the confession thing. The fact that the girl got miffed at your son’s initial inability to go to confession says that she’s got your son in her site’s and wants a closer relationship.

I think this girl’s parents are strict, but misguided. I wonder if they expect your son to jump through this hoop to prove what a good Catholic he is to them. Or perhaps the girl feels that way.

My daughter has been friends with a boy (She’s 16, he just turned 18. She’s a junior and he’s a senior from a wonderful Catholic family.) and believe me, since our family attends a church that’s different from his family, I’d be alarmed if they scheduled confession together. They do go to occassional school dances together. Have you talked this matter over with your son yet?
 
Whoa.

This sixteen year old girl scheduled confession for BOTH of them? That is very presumptuous and definitely an intimate thing to do.

It’s also very strange given that most parishes have confession on Saturday afternoons and appointments are not necessary.
 
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Giannawannabe:
I think your gut feeling on this one is right on, KCT. It seems a little presumptuous of this girl’s mother to schedule confession for your son. Did I read that right?
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Not quite. The 16 yr old girl did the scheduling. Apparently she told my son this priest is very good and my son said that since he hadn’t been in a while he would go, too. (But he forgot that he was helping w/ the Confirmation Mass at our parish that morning, so he ended up not going with her. I took him that afternoon 🙂 They’re both responsible and probably didn’t think the whole thing was a big deal.

I do plan to contact the girl’s mom today and discuss some things.
—KCT
 
I think I missed the boat on this one. Isn’t praying together a good thing, I mean really, they could be having sex, I think praying is the last thing I’d be worried about.
 
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sarcophagus:
I think I missed the boat on this one. Isn’t praying together a good thing, I mean really, they could be having sex, I think praying is the last thing I’d be worried about.
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Apparently it’s not the praying that’s the problem, it’s the being together without supervision.

To quote Annie:

male/female teen couples do not do any activity together, including praying or studying, alone behind closed doors.
 
I disagree with using a blanket statement on this one. You put safeguards for kids that need it and leave the disciplined ones alone. For example, my twin brother is 18 and has been dating a girl (18) for 14 months. They pray together all the time (sometimes dates are going to eat and praying liturgy of the hours), and I feel that this leads to an intimate spiritual relationship. Will it lead to an intimate physical relationship? No. Both of them are too disciplined. Seriously. What you need to do is objectively analyze both of them. How disciplined are they? To what degree are the “novelty-seekers”? Ultimately the purpose of dating is to find someone to marry. Dating for any other reason is MUCH more detrimental than praying together. If you think they are spiritually mature enough, then encourage them to do it. What if they become too attached to each other? Hopefully they’ll get married! What better arrangement could you hope for your son than a devout Catholic woman with whom he will already have a spiritual connection.
 
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KCT:
My almost 18 yr old son is ‘friends’ with a girl who just turned 16. We talk about being friends, but I know they feel more than that. (hey, they’re teens w/ hormones!)

Anyway, the girls mom and another friend have encouraged them to pray together. At first I didn’t mind, but I’m starting to suspect that perhaps it’s causing them to become more spiritually intimate than they need to be. Obviously I’m all for prayer, but do you think it can make 2 people closer than they ought to be? Closer than is proper for their age and state in life? If they only prayed together in the context of youth group, that would be a different story.

Part of me thinks I’m worrying for nothing, but by making the relationship so spiritual, I wonder if it will be harder to break off if and when the time comes (and at their ages, I do believe the time will come to end it) Any experienced parents of teens want to chime in? —KCT
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I would pay attention to Princess Abby’s post. There is a danger of ‘spiritual intimacy’ that could be overwhelming and lead to mortal sin. I think it is wonderful to encourage prayer, but I also think it is wonderful to encourage young people to beware of intimacy pitfalls.
 
What mother of an 18 year old wants her son in relationship that might possibly lead to marriage in the distant future? What mother of a 16 year old would want this either? As wonderful as these teenagers probably are, this situation sets up a certain type of pressure between the two of them. The mother of the girl should be the most concerned. I know I am very careful with my sixteen year old daughter vis a vis the eighteen year old boy she is friends with.

I don’t want to hijack this thread, but even the most spiritually minded youths will eventually fall into physical intimacy after a certain level of emotional intimacy has been reached. Praying together is good, but appropriate for couples that are nearer to marriage then teenagers.
 
I’m going to have to agree with Aaron.

I’m currently 22, and the very vast majority of my friends (read: all but 1 of them) through my latter teenage years, and now, all came about as the result of praying together.

I mean seriously folks. We are called to pray unceasingly. Unceasingly doesn’t mean cease as soon as you find yourself in a situation when you’re alone with someone of the opposite sex.

I agree that praying together creates a hightened sense of intamacy, but I don’t consider that necessarily a bad thing. As was stated before, know who the person is. If they are strong, disciplined, know what they want and set their boundaries, then let them go for it.

I pray alone with virtually all my friends now, male or female. We’re friends, who love the Lord. To do anything else often seems like a waste of time.

Have I ever had a friendship grow into a dating relationship from this? Yes, one. And I’m glad it grew out of praying together then out of going to the movies together. Did it lead to chastity troubles? My relationship with hers was the most chaste of all my girlfriends (not to say I was always completely perfect.) Were our “dates” lead to be occasions of sin? Heck no. We’d go for a walk praying the rosary and go to Eucharistic Adoration.

Was the break-up hard or any more difficult? Heck no again. I’d never had a breakup go so easily. “Josh, I think God’s telling me he wants you to be a priest. I don’t know if we should keep our friendship at this level.” “I was thinking the same thing. Let’s call it quits on the dating part.” “Sure.” When the relationship is based on prayer and being open to the Spirit, following the will of the Lord becomes relatively simple in it.

So yeah, I’m a big promoter of praying.
Josh
 
There is a lot of “supposing” going on here. Since the mother of the girl is a Catholic, I’m going to give some benefits of the doubt.

She obviously isn’t trying to convert the son by encouraging praying. The OP said that they are properly supervised whenever together at the parent’s houses. I think what is going on is the mother of the girl knows that the kids are budding adults w/ budding hormonal impulses. She is showing her confidence that souls in a state of grace have strenghs thru graces given in the sacraments to better fight off these hormonal impulses. It kind of reminds me of myself when I require that anyone picking up my senior daughter in a car (regardless of gender) has to come into the house and I always say on their departure “remember you have my baby with you. I’m trusting you to take good care of her.”

As someone who always tried to assert my independence by fighting my parents at virtually every turn, I conversely bent over backwards to please my girlfriend’s parents. My suspicion is that this girl’s parents will be more successful getting this boy to confession and this is a good thing. I guess I would encourage anyone who is encouraging my daughter to go to confession.
 
Aaron I.:
What you need to do is objectively analyze both of them. How disciplined are they?
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Not very. Both are ADD, and along with that comes impulsivity. I am not confident that my son could stop a situation once it got too far or too heated. My husband agrees. They both love Jason Evert and the whole chastity mesage, but if caught up in a moment, I don’t believe they could control themselves. That’s part of the reason we’re so careful. Also, I agree w/ the post that mentioned getting too serious too young. An 18 yr old and a 16 yr old are too young to be serious. —KCT
 
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KCT:
Not quite. The 16 yr old girl did the scheduling. Apparently she told my son this priest is very good and my son said that since he hadn’t been in a while he would go, too. (But he forgot that he was helping w/ the Confirmation Mass at our parish that morning, so he ended up not going with her. I took him that afternoon 🙂 They’re both responsible and probably didn’t think the whole thing was a big deal.

I do plan to contact the girl’s mom today and discuss some things.
—KCT
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I think that there may be something going on here: Your son has not been to confession “in a while”. When I was that age (and it wasn’t too long ago), not having been to confession “in a while” usually meant that “I am long overdue for confession”. This girl may be trying to get the guy back to confession if he’s dragging his feet. While I agree that they shouldn’t be alone together, has your son expressed any thoughts on whether he wishes to date this girl with an aim toward marriage? Does he say they’re just friends and that’s all that he wants? If the latter is the case, then he should definitely not lead her on.

As for the confession matter, I think that it maybe more innocuous than you might at first have thought.
 
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KCT:
Not quite. The 16 yr old girl did the scheduling. Apparently she told my son this priest is very good and my son said that since he hadn’t been in a while he would go, too. (But he forgot that he was helping w/ the Confirmation Mass at our parish that morning, so he ended up not going with her. I took him that afternoon 🙂 They’re both responsible and probably didn’t think the whole thing was a big deal.

I do plan to contact the girl’s mom today and discuss some things.
—KCT
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So, how did things go with the girl’s mom, KCT?
 
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