Man trapped in marriage!

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Attention men! I ask a man’s response because women tend to judge a man in my situation.

I am a middle aged man in a sexless marriage. My wife could care less about sex. Therefore, I go without. I go without sex, affection and even date night. I am also without a job. Yes, I have tried… no one will hire me! So, I am rejected by the workforce and my wife!!

I am trying to lead a Christian life. I am trying to “purge” myself of my carnal nature through Christian teaching. Yet, I have a book that is telling me to stand up for my rights and get out of the marriage if need by. I AM BEING PULLED ALL OVER THE PLACE!! No Work! No Sex! Stand Up for Myself! Purge Myself of fleshly desires! MY WIFE DOESN’T WANT ME! She knows I am trapped and have no way out.

THIS IS NOT RIGHT. I need help. 🤷
 
Well I’m not a man but it would help to know if your wife is Catholic, I mean practicing.
 
I’m not a man…but I am a woman trapped in a sexless marriage. My husband is willing to try counseling with me but insists that he is not attracted to me, does not love me, and does not want me. So I’m unfortunately right there with you 😦 Wish I had suggestions to offer but other than working on yourself there’s nothing you can really do to change your wife.
 
Annie39 said:
Well I’m not a man but it would help to know if your wife is Catholic, I mean practicing.
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My wife and I met in a Protestant Evangelical Church. She was not raised a Catholic and she is not a Catholic now.
bernadettefaith said:
I’m not a man…but I am a woman trapped in a sexless marriage. My husband is willing to try counseling with me but insists that he is not attracted to me, does not love me, and does not want me. So I’m unfortunately right there with you 😦 Wish I had suggestions to offer but other than working on yourself there’s nothing you can really do to change your wife.
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I’m sorry you’re going through this.
 
Annie39 said:
Well I’m not a man but it would help to know if your wife is Catholic, I mean practicing.
Click to expand...
My wife and I met in a Protestant Evangelical Church. She was not raised a Catholic and she is not a Catholic now.
bernadettefaith said:
I’m not a man…but I am a woman trapped in a sexless marriage. My husband is willing to try counseling with me but insists that he is not attracted to me, does not love me, and does not want me. So I’m unfortunately right there with you 😦 Wish I had suggestions to offer but other than working on yourself there’s nothing you can really do to change your wife.
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I’m sorry you’re going through this.
 
Is your wife willing to share why she doesn’t want you? Is it unresolved anger? Physical issues? Issues from her past? Do you think she’s having an affair? Is she willing to try counseling or Retrouvaille?
 
MainBrain said:
My wife and I met in a Protestant Evangelical Church. She was not raised a Catholic and she is not a Catholic now.

I’m sorry you’re going through this.
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Oh, were you Catholic at the time you met? Did you marry in the Catholic Church?
 
bernadettefaith said:
Is your wife willing to share why she doesn’t want you? Is it unresolved anger? Physical issues? Issues from her past? Do you think she’s having an affair? Is she willing to try counseling or Retrouvaille?
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I doubt she is having an affair. But sometimes, it has crossed my mine. She says she will go for counseling. But we don’t do it. A good marriage counselor does not take our insurance. She is very frugal. I will have to look more into it. What is Retrouvaille?
Annie39 said:
Oh, were you Catholic at the time you met? Did you marry in the Catholic Church?
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No, we got married by a Protestant Pastor. And it wasn’t even in a Church. I was not a Catholic at the time.
 
I’m not a man, but this is 1 Corinthians 7:5
(New Living Translation)

Do not deprive each other of sexual relations, unless you both agree to refrain from sexual intimacy for a limited time so you can give yourselves more completely to prayer. Afterward, you should come together again so that Satan won’t be able to tempt you because of your lack of self-control.

God cares about every aspect of our life. Your feelings are normal. Maybe your wife, or you both need counselling.
 
MainBrain said:
Attention men! I ask a man’s response because women tend to judge a man in my situation.

I am a middle aged man in a sexless marriage. My wife could care less about sex. Therefore, I go without. I go without sex, affection and even date night. I am also without a job. Yes, I have tried… no one will hire me! So, I am rejected by the workforce and my wife!!

I am trying to lead a Christian life. I am trying to “purge” myself of my carnal nature through Christian teaching. Yet, I have a book that is telling me to stand up for my rights and get out of the marriage if need by. I AM BEING PULLED ALL OVER THE PLACE!! No Work! No Sex! Stand Up for Myself! Purge Myself of fleshly desires! MY WIFE DOESN’T WANT ME! She knows I am trapped and have no way out.

THIS IS NOT RIGHT. I need help. 🤷
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Well, I see you are asking for only a man’s opinion, but there might be advantages to having a woman’s. There are any number of reasons why a woman would be unresponsive…anything from menopause right on up. Yes, when a woman isn’t having any hormones flowing, it could also be hard to respond. Is your wife at that age? Is she taking anything for it if she is?

Sexuality is also much more complex than just the physical. A friend of mine says that if your relationship isn’t good outside the bedroom, it will probably not be inside it, either, since whatever problems you have will tend to carry themselves over. Sexuality carries a lot of emotions with it.

I don’t know what your situation is insofar as counseling is concerned. It sounds, to me, that there might be deeper problems in your relationship. Is she supporting you? Is she tired from working a lot? That would not only be hard on you, if she is, but also on her, emotionally.

I think women look for safety, security, protection, stability, especially older women. I think of it almost as a kind of nesting instinct.

I don’t know if she is still in childbearing years. If she is, she also may not feel like bringing children into the relationship if economics are an issue, since it might lack stability. She might know if she were to get pregnant, she would not be able to work, at least for a time, and then who would support the family?

If you’re not working, she might, on some level, resent that, that she has to be the breadwinner. She might feel she’s doing the bulk of the work in the relationship, that it’s not really mutual, unfair.

There are really too many issues to even list here to begin speculating. It may be all or none of these things! Only you two would know which, if any, applies, or something completely different.

Can you get some counseling, preferably by a Catholic counselor, like through Catholic Social Services? There is also Retrovaille, as already mentioned.

If you have health insurance, some policies will include a provision for marriage counseling, if only a few visits. Now, if she isn’t interested in going, can you at least get yourself some individual counseling in the meantime?
 
We were able to get our counseling covered under insurance as our counselor billed it as “individual counseling.” Unfortunately, she was a terrible counselor so it wasn’t worth our time…I think she only made things worse. Our new counselor won’t fudge the details and call it “individual counseling” so we have to pay out of pocket - but it’s only $70 for a 45 min session so not too terrible. We’re going to cut back and maybe go only once or twice a month. The new counselor is so much more professional so it’s worthwhile to pay. I hope you can find someone affordable. Have you spoken with your priest?
 
I would urge people in sexless marriages to talk to a priest for guidance.
 
if you were not married in Catholic church, you are not “trapped”. You can get a divorce and be remarried in the church. not that I’m recommending that, but just pointing it out.
Regarding your sexless marriage, are you obese? is there something that has changed since your sex life was better? is she obese? looks matter, my friend.
 
Mainbrain said,

“I am a middle aged man in a sexless marriage. My wife could care less about sex. Therefore, I go without. I go without sex, affection and even date night. I am also without a job. Yes, I have tried… no one will hire me! So, I am rejected by the workforce and my wife!!”

Do you have children? Is your wife supporting your family? The situation sounds very stressful. Women often respond to stress by losing interest in sex.

If she is of child-bearing age, she may fear pregnancy in your difficult financial situation. If she is past child-bearing age, she may be suffering hormonal changes that make her indifferent.

“She knows I am trapped and have no way out.”

Are you perhaps engaging in some mind-reading here? What makes you think that your wife cares one way or another about you being “trapped”? It’s much more likely that she is either so stressed out by your situation that she can’t cope with one more demand, or that she is emotionally numb and indifferent. In neither case is she doing this out of malice.

Best wishes!
 
freerf said:
if you were not married in Catholic church, you are not “trapped”. You can get a divorce and be remarried in the church. not that I’m recommending that, but just pointing it out
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Neither were Catholic when they married, they were not obligated to marry in the Church. Their marriage is presumed valid.
 
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