Managing Despair and a Household at the Same Time

[pensmama87]

Brief synopsis of my situation:

I have been married for three and a half years and have two children (2.5 and 7 months.) My husband and I live on a very tight budget as we’re trying to pay off my student loan debt. He is looking for a new job, and I have a part-time job in the evenings and stay home with the kids while he is at work.

I am currently working on recovery for my eating disorder, which (near as I can tell) developed in early adolescence as a coping mechanism for depression and anxiety, which has intensified both pre- and post-partum. I attend Overeaters Anonymous meetings and meet weekly with a great therapist, who I initially sought out for PPD after the birth of my second child. Next week I have an evaluation scheduled at the local psychiatric hospital’s center for eating disorders, to see if I would be a good fit for one of their programs (which range from (name removed by moderator)atient to the occasional group therapy session). I’ve posted about the mechanics of getting that to work before, as I have a well-intentioned but gossipy MIL, and no family of my own nearby.

The problem is that I have felt my depression intensifying over the past few weeks and feel that there is nothing I can do. How does one manage doing as little as possible but still make sure children are fed and clean, and the house is not filthy? I do have perfectionistic tendencies but believe me when I say that I mean “not filthy” instead of “spotless.” The reason I say “do as little as possible” is that my therapist tells me I need to be taking it very easy, but I just don’t see how to make that work. She is great, but she doesn’t have children, so I’m not sure how much she understands that I can’t just “do nothing” or only focus on my recovery. I have asked my husband to help more, and tried to give him specifics, but help in that area has been really, really lacking (he has some narcissistic traits so his understanding of how much he helps is not accurate).

So basically, we have a lot of things to do, which is nothing new under the sun for many people here, I know. Part of it is that I feel like having all these stressors helped me realize that the way I was choosing to cope (through the eating disorder) was not helpful but harmful, but now those same stressors are getting in the way of my getting better. How exactly do I cope from now until my evaluation? What should I be prioritizing? How do I do the things that HAVE to be done when I feel like I could just sleep from now until Thursday afternoon?

 

[UbiCaritas]

I haven’t been in your shoes, so take this with a grain of salt. I have, however, struggled with depression in the past, to the point that getting up and taking a shower seemed like an overwhelming task, so perhaps I can offer a little insight.

Prioritize thus:

1. Health and safety for the kids. The kids need to be fed, changed, bathed, and kept away from potentially hazardous situations. You may find it helpful to keep the 2.5 year old out of certain rooms altogether. The kitchen and any bathrooms are the most hazardous areas of the house for small children due to the presence of heat, sharp objects, water, and chemicals. Set up an area where the 2.5 year old can play within your eyesight–an area of the living room, perhaps?–and where he or she can find toys, board books, and so on. Consider having your DH set up a baby gate to keep the toddler out of the kitchen, and close any doors (or set up baby gates) to the rest of the house. If the toddler is used to having the run of the house, he/she probably won’t like this at all, but he’ll get used to it after a few days. This both reduces the amount of space in which a mess can be made and narrows your focus within the house, two things that will greatly reduce stress on you. The kids do not need to eat gourmet meals. The 7-month-old is presumably either nursing or bottle-fed, so that’s taken care of right there. The toddler will be perfectly healthy eating some sort of cereal/yogurt/fruit and cheese for breakfast, a PBJ for lunch, and whatever you’re eating anyway for dinner.
2. Health and safety for the entire family. This means keeping the kitchen reasonably clean–note I do not say spick-and-span, I say reasonably clean. No food left out, any potentially hazardous foods (raw chicken, etc) cleaned up immediately. Don’t worry about mopping the floor, dusting, wiping down the cupboards, vacuuming, etc unless you feel up to it that day. Right now, you’re in survival mode. Survive. That’s all you have to do.

The 2.5-year-old is old enough to help pick up his/her toys. Enlist him in that, and don’t worry about the details. Even if he (I use “he” for the sake of simplicity) just pitches everything into a toy chest–great. You don’t have toys on the floor, and he’s proud of the fact that he “helped.” Win-win!

I don’t know how your DH is about helping, but if he isn’t helping much now I strongly suggest asking him to do very specific tasks. Men aren’t women. If I was a close friend of yours, I might walk into your house and see that the dishes needed washing, or the toddler needed bathing, and jump in and do it. He quite likely wouldn’t notice either (not out of malice or stupidity, it just probably isn’t where his mind goes), but if he’s a good husband he wants to help you through this. Ask him to load the dishwasher, or bathe the 2.5 year old, or hold/feed the baby.

If, and only if, you feel up to it, in addition to the tasks you MUST do every day (feed/change/bathe the kids), add one other task–just one. That could be vacuuming one room, or mopping the kitchen. Don’t try to add this in, though, unless you can really manage it without stressing yourself out. Some days will be better than others.

With the necessary tasks, break them down into small, small tasks. For example, let’s say both the kids have dirty diapers. You might look at this and feel overwhelmed and tearful at the prospect. (I’ve been there, where something so relatively small can seem like rolling a boulder up Mount Everest.) Break it down. “Okay, I’m going to pick up the baby. Now I’ll put him on the changing table. Now I’ll unsnap his onesie. Okay, now I’ll take off his diaper. Now I’ll wipe him down. Now I’ll put on a clean diaper.” Etc. Do NOT allow yourself to think beyond the one little step you’re on right at that moment. This must sound very silly to someone who’s never had depression, but to those of us who have, it makes sense. I used to have to do this with showering–“now I’m getting into the shower. Now I’m getting my hair wet. Now I’m adding shampoo.” Seriously.

If you have any close friends who can help, now is the time to ask for it.

Good luck, and God bless you in your recovery.

 

[PaulfromIowa]

I wish I had some really good advice for you. No mother who has two infant children can really “take it easy,” can she? It seems like you are already seeking out the best medical advice, which is the most important thing.

Pray every day.
Prioritize: Child care: top, cosmetic housecleaning: low.
Are there women in your parish who might visit you once or twice a week to give you a little break from the kids?

 

[Mrs_Sally]

UbiCaritas, what a great answer! Really helpful stuff.

I have never, ever been depressed. My husband calls me congenitally cheerful and that isn’t always a compliment. However, I have been exceedingly busy and stressed about lots of issues simultaneously.

The idea of closing off part of your house is excellent. If there are rooms that you can avoid completely, or at least for most of the day, that does help. I banned the downstairs family room for awhile, because I didn’t want to be running up and down keeping the room clean and the kids safe. DH was welcome to go down there for TV, but he knew no one was dusting, vacuuming, or cleaning the bathroom down there.

Pensmama, you probably don’t have a house full of toys anyway, but the fewer you get out, the fewer need to be put away. Now is the time for read-aloud (if you have the energy) or books on tape, or the judicious use of the toddler’s favorite show.

And yes, call in a friend or two, perhaps if a nice healthy dinner or two were delivered it would save you the cooking and cleaning up, and the temptation of being in the kitchen.

I’ll say a prayer for you tonight.

 

[EasterJoy]

I haven’t been in your shoes, so take this with a grain of salt. I have, however, struggled with depression in the past, to the point that getting up and taking a shower seemed like an overwhelming task, so perhaps I can offer a little insight.

Prioritize thus:

1. Health and safety for the kids. The kids need to be fed, changed, bathed, and kept away from potentially hazardous situations. You may find it helpful to keep the 2.5 year old out of certain rooms altogether. The kitchen and any bathrooms are the most hazardous areas of the house for small children due to the presence of heat, sharp objects, water, and chemicals. Set up an area where the 2.5 year old can play within your eyesight–an area of the living room, perhaps?–and where he or she can find toys, board books, and so on. Consider having your DH set up a baby gate to keep the toddler out of the kitchen, and close any doors (or set up baby gates) to the rest of the house. If the toddler is used to having the run of the house, he/she probably won’t like this at all, but he’ll get used to it after a few days. This both reduces the amount of space in which a mess can be made and narrows your focus within the house, two things that will greatly reduce stress on you. The kids do not need to eat gourmet meals. The 7-month-old is presumably either nursing or bottle-fed, so that’s taken care of right there. The toddler will be perfectly healthy eating some sort of cereal/yogurt/fruit and cheese for breakfast, a PBJ for lunch, and whatever you’re eating anyway for dinner.
2. Health and safety for the entire family. This means keeping the kitchen reasonably clean–note I do not say spick-and-span, I say reasonably clean. No food left out, any potentially hazardous foods (raw chicken, etc) cleaned up immediately. Don’t worry about mopping the floor, dusting, wiping down the cupboards, vacuuming, etc unless you feel up to it that day. Right now, you’re in survival mode. Survive. That’s all you have to do.

The 2.5-year-old is old enough to help pick up his/her toys. Enlist him in that, and don’t worry about the details. Even if he (I use “he” for the sake of simplicity) just pitches everything into a toy chest–great. You don’t have toys on the floor, and he’s proud of the fact that he “helped.” Win-win!

I don’t know how your DH is about helping, but if he isn’t helping much now I strongly suggest asking him to do very specific tasks. Men aren’t women. If I was a close friend of yours, I might walk into your house and see that the dishes needed washing, or the toddler needed bathing, and jump in and do it. He quite likely wouldn’t notice either (not out of malice or stupidity, it just probably isn’t where his mind goes), but if he’s a good husband he wants to help you through this. Ask him to load the dishwasher, or bathe the 2.5 year old, or hold/feed the baby.

If, and only if, you feel up to it, in addition to the tasks you MUST do every day (feed/change/bathe the kids), add one other task–just one. That could be vacuuming one room, or mopping the kitchen. Don’t try to add this in, though, unless you can really manage it without stressing yourself out. Some days will be better than others.

With the necessary tasks, break them down into small, small tasks. For example, let’s say both the kids have dirty diapers. You might look at this and feel overwhelmed and tearful at the prospect. (I’ve been there, where something so relatively small can seem like rolling a boulder up Mount Everest.) Break it down. “Okay, I’m going to pick up the baby. Now I’ll put him on the changing table. Now I’ll unsnap his onesie. Okay, now I’ll take off his diaper. Now I’ll wipe him down. Now I’ll put on a clean diaper.” Etc. Do NOT allow yourself to think beyond the one little step you’re on right at that moment. This must sound very silly to someone who’s never had depression, but to those of us who have, it makes sense. I used to have to do this with showering–“now I’m getting into the shower. Now I’m getting my hair wet. Now I’m adding shampoo.” Seriously.

If you have any close friends who can help, now is the time to ask for it.

Good luck, and God bless you in your recovery.

This is very good advice. I would also suggest getting very immediate and simple with the prayer life. “Lord, just give me the strength to do one thing” and “Thank you, Lord. What beautiful children–praise be to You!” Whenever you are down, praise God if you can, and remember He became a slave for our sake and promised not to leave us orphans. Even He got down sometimes, angry sometimes, weary sometimes. He knows every thing you’re going through. Lay it all on Him, just as if you were in 1st grade. We’re the ones who think we need to get fancy with prayer; God is pleased if we are willing to crawl onto His lap, lay our heads on His breast, and tell Him all about it.

As for the house, choose the thing that will make you feel better for having done it, just as UbiCaritas said. (I mean one thing, not a whole multi-thing project!) Then rest and enjoy one or both of your children, or enjoy your husband. It is hard to enjoy when you’re going through depression…go through the motions of doing it. Sometimes when you fake it, you make it. If it doesn’t make you feel wonderful, at least it is a nice little place to rest. That is better than nothing; it is worth a lot, if we allow it to be.

 

[Xantippe]

UbiCaritas,

That was very good.

Pensmama87 said:

“The problem is that I have felt my depression intensifying over the past few weeks and feel that there is nothing I can do. How does one manage doing as little as possible but still make sure children are fed and clean, and the house is not filthy? I do have perfectionistic tendencies but believe me when I say that I mean “not filthy” instead of “spotless.” The reason I say “do as little as possible” is that my therapist tells me I need to be taking it very easy, but I just don’t see how to make that work. She is great, but she doesn’t have children, so I’m not sure how much she understands that I can’t just “do nothing” or only focus on my recovery. I have asked my husband to help more, and tried to give him specifics, but help in that area has been really, really lacking (he has some narcissistic traits so his understanding of how much he helps is not accurate).”

I think your therapist is not being realistic here 1) because she doesn’t understand how hard as a mom of a toddler and an infant you need to run to stay in place and 2) you probably find grime and chaos depressing, which is not good for you, either. I know in my home, my 14-month-old’s meals generate huge amounts of mess half a dozen times a day–if I “took it easy”, I’d be living in an indoor landfill within the week. I think you need to talk to your therapist and negotiate a reasonable household regimen. Maybe keep a work diary so you can explain your duties to her?

You might want to google “your habitat.” The first several sites that pop up have a four-letter word in the URL, but I think you may want to have a look at it with your therapist. There’s a post there entitled “The Depression/Messy House Cycle”:

"When you’re in the midst of a depressive episode, cleaning your house comes in on the List of Things You Want to Do somewhere after taunting a hive of bees and tap dancing on live television. Things are awful. It’s a struggle to walk to the bathroom. Making dinner seems more impossible than advanced calculus. Anything that’s not your couch or your bed might as well be hot lava. And so the mess builds around you. I purposely use the passive voice there because when you’re depressed, it seems nearly impossible that you’re contributing to the chaos of your house, because that would require energy, and you sure as hell don’t have any of that to spare.

Then you look around your messy house. And you feel worse. You feel more depressed, because now you’re exhausted and hopeless and can’t pull yourself out of bed, and on top of that, your house is a ****hole. Which makes you feel useless on top of everything you were already feeling, and then probably overwhelmed on top of that, and quite frankly, having that many feelings at once during a depressive episode is like being crushed by a ton of bricks. So your depression gets worse, and your mess gets worse, and the two keep feeding on each other and it seems like there’s no end in sight."

If you feel like that describes you, I would suggest showing that site to your therapist and the two of you can work out a workable program for you.

I zone certain areas of the house non-baby and they are kept tidy. The baby areas are gated off and it’s OK if the toys there don’t get picked up more than twice a month.

Also, if you take your kids for outings (weather permitting, of course), you are not in charge of tidying up the playground. The more you spend out, the less time your toddler will have to trash your house.

Best wishes!

 

[pensmama87]

With the necessary tasks, break them down into small, small tasks. For example, let’s say both the kids have dirty diapers. You might look at this and feel overwhelmed and tearful at the prospect. (I’ve been there, where something so relatively small can seem like rolling a boulder up Mount Everest.) Break it down. “Okay, I’m going to pick up the baby. Now I’ll put him on the changing table. Now I’ll unsnap his onesie. Okay, now I’ll take off his diaper. Now I’ll wipe him down. Now I’ll put on a clean diaper.” Etc. Do NOT allow yourself to think beyond the one little step you’re on right at that moment. This must sound very silly to someone who’s never had depression, but to those of us who have, it makes sense. I used to have to do this with showering–“now I’m getting into the shower. Now I’m getting my hair wet. Now I’m adding shampoo.” Seriously.

I really appreciate everything in your reply, but this really stuck out for me. I have had moments when my son was making those telltale noises and had that concentrated look on his face and I start crying because changing a diaper does just feel like the hardest thing of all time. I do it, but then I start beating myself up because seriously, it’s a diaper. But this helps so much! And I can apply it to non-diaper situations as well, of course.

UbiCaritas, what a great answer! Really helpful stuff.

I have never, ever been depressed. My husband calls me congenitally cheerful and that isn’t always a compliment. However, I have been exceedingly busy and stressed about lots of issues simultaneously.

The idea of closing off part of your house is excellent. If there are rooms that you can avoid completely, or at least for most of the day, that does help. I banned the downstairs family room for awhile, because I didn’t want to be running up and down keeping the room clean and the kids safe. DH was welcome to go down there for TV, but he knew no one was dusting, vacuuming, or cleaning the bathroom down there.

Pensmama, you probably don’t have a house full of toys anyway, but the fewer you get out, the fewer need to be put away. Now is the time for read-aloud (if you have the energy) or books on tape, or the judicious use of the toddler’s favorite show.

And yes, call in a friend or two, perhaps if a nice healthy dinner or two were delivered it would save you the cooking and cleaning up, and the temptation of being in the kitchen.

I’ll say a prayer for you tonight.

We have a semi-finished basement that used to be the playroom. I’ve moved most of the toys upstairs to the main floor for this reason. It is really, really, really gross in our basement now because I have done zero cleaning. But out of sight, out of mind - only go down there to get to the garage.

Our living room also looks like a toystore exploded in it thanks to Christmas - my husband was worried about the boys not getting “enough” presents but grandparents and godparents made sure that wasn’t the case! So I am having anxiety about that since our current setup is not going to work and I don’t really have the energy to change it. I will be putting away some of the “little baby” toys soon, and my husband and I are on the same page about how we need to rework it. So if I ask for his help with that, it won’t be me endlessly explaining and him not getting what I mean.

 

[pensmama87]

This is very good advice. I would also suggest getting very immediate and simple with the prayer life. “Lord, just give me the strength to do one thing” and “Thank you, Lord. What beautiful children–praise be to You!” Whenever you are down, praise God if you can, and remember He became a slave for our sake and promised not to leave us orphans. Even He got down sometimes, angry sometimes, weary sometimes. He knows every thing you’re going through. Lay it all on Him, just as if you were in 1st grade. We’re the ones who think we need to get fancy with prayer; God is pleased if we are willing to crawl onto His lap, lay our heads on His breast, and tell Him all about it.

As for the house, choose the thing that will make you feel better for having done it, just as UbiCaritas said. (I mean one thing, not a whole multi-thing project!) Then rest and enjoy one or both of your children, or enjoy your husband. It is hard to enjoy when you’re going through depression…go through the motions of doing it. Sometimes when you fake it, you make it. If it doesn’t make you feel wonderful, at least it is a nice little place to rest. That is better than nothing; it is worth a lot, if we allow it to be.

Thank you! Even prayer seems exhausting. I’ve been spending a lot of time piddling around on CAF figuring that it is at least faith-related, but I don’t think it counts! I do struggle with wanting my prayers to “sound good.” I actually really like formulaic prayers for that reason…they’re less about me trying to sound impressive.

I think your therapist is not being realistic here 1) because she doesn’t understand how hard as a mom of a toddler and an infant you need to run to stay in place and 2) you probably find grime and chaos depressing, which is not good for you, either. I know in my home, my 14-month-old’s meals generate huge amounts of mess half a dozen times a day–if I “took it easy”, I’d be living in an indoor landfill within the week. I think you need to talk to your therapist and negotiate a reasonable household regimen. Maybe keep a work diary so you can explain your duties to her?

You might want to google “your habitat.” The first several sites that pop up have a four-letter word in the URL, but I think you may want to have a look at it with your therapist. There’s a post there entitled “The Depression/Messy House Cycle”…

If you feel like that describes you, I would suggest showing that site to your therapist and the two of you can work out a workable program for you.

That site is pretty funny! I identified with a lot of the behaviors. I used to be very good at keeping up with housekeeping before kids, but fell into a lot of the habits afterwards as my former routines no longer worked. I think I will talk about this with my therapist and see if we can find out what’s reasonable.

Also, if you take your kids for outings (weather permitting, of course), you are not in charge of tidying up the playground. The more you spend out, the less time your toddler will have to trash your house.

Unfortunately it is cold cold cold where I live, and the prospect of bundling up two little boys and buckling them into the car is the stuff nightmares are made of. I do like the idea of confining the space he can trash, though.

 

[SurlyMermaid]

Fantastic advice above!

I’ve struggled mightily with similar situations over the years. Very similar.

One thing I did this year was weekly or so have an all-day sitter and spring clean. I got rid of a ton of stuff we didn’t need and stored away things like excess utensils, plates, bowls, towels, washcloths…I mean one per person. Stored away toys, excess clothing. I started referring to our home as my “convent.”

Sounds crazy but it is truly helping. I’m no longer overwhelmed and it’s easier to be organized.

God bless you, gal. I wish I had more for you. You’re in my prayers and I’m here for you.

:hug1:

SM

 

[Xantippe]

Pensmama87 said:

“So if I ask for his help with that, it won’t be me endlessly explaining and him not getting what I mean.”

Very good!

 

[gracepoole]

I don’t mean to criticize your therapist but you’re experiencing depression and the advice was to do as little as possible? Every avenue I’ve ever explored for depression has always suggested the opposite. And it’s when I do little that depression has an opportunity to wreak havoc in my life.

 

[ClearWater]

I don’t have anything additional to add. Seems like a lot of good stuff! So, I’ll just pray for you.

Hail Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with thee.
Blessed are you among women, and blessed is the fruit of your womb Jesus.
Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners, now and at the hour of our death.
Amen.:angel1:

 

[pensmama87]

I don’t mean to criticize your therapist but you’re experiencing depression and the advice was to do as little as possible? Every avenue I’ve ever explored for depression has always suggested the opposite. And it’s when I do little that depression has an opportunity to wreak havoc in my life.

I should clarify, she said she wanted me to be incredibly gentle with myself and not get overly worried about not getting things done since I was likely to be incredibly irritated and fatigued by attempting to stop the disordered eating. Dealing with the disordered eating is priority #1. If I attempted to manage all of the other life stuff, I would most likely go back to the disordered eating as a coping mechanism to “just deal,” which just puts off resolving the problem for longer.

The problem is I can’t just put off the rest of my life, since young children are involved. If I end up in an (name removed by moderator)atient program as a result of my evaluation next week, those normal household tasks at the facility will be taken care of by staff, and my husband and\or my mom will be managing at home. So there’s definitely an understanding that these ordinary concerns can be in the way of my recovery, but I am not in a position right now to hand all of those over to someone else.

 

[pensmama87]

I don’t have anything additional to add. Seems like a lot of good stuff! So, I’ll just pray for you.

Hail Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with thee.
Blessed are you among women, and blessed is the fruit of your womb Jesus.
Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners, now and at the hour of our death.
Amen.:angel1:

Thank you! Prayers are much appreciated.

 

[UbiCaritas]

I really appreciate everything in your reply, but this really stuck out for me. I have had moments when my son was making those telltale noises and had that concentrated look on his face and I start crying because changing a diaper does just feel like the hardest thing of all time. I do it, but then I start beating myself up because seriously, it’s a diaper. But this helps so much! And I can apply it to non-diaper situations as well, of course.

Absolutely! I just used the diaper analogy because I figured it’s something you probably have to deal with all day, every day.

When I was depressed, I was also working in retail at the time. I kid you not, I had days when having a customer write a check rather than use a credit card was enough to make me want to cry because I’d have to write out their driver’s license information on the check and process it through the register, rather than have them just swipe their credit card. Yeah. Not pretty.

It sounds as though you have a number of good plans in place–talking to your therapist about reevaluating your expectations, working with your DH to get the toys under control, and so on. Your therapist is right, though: first and foremost, be gentle with yourself. It takes a LOT of courage to get an eating disorder treated, and it’s that much harder when you have small children dependent on you. You can do this; just take it one very tiny step at a time.

 

[EasterJoy]

Thank you! Even prayer seems exhausting. I’ve been spending a lot of time piddling around on CAF figuring that it is at least faith-related, but I don’t think it counts! I do struggle with wanting my prayers to “sound good.” I actually really like formulaic prayers for that reason…they’re less about me trying to sound impressive.

What helps you get through this “counts”. If coming here helps, then come here. Set a timer, if it interferes with other things. If it helps you to use composed prayers, then you do that. Those prayers are centuries old and said in countless different languages for a reason. They’ve been seeing young wives through to their grandmotherhood and beyond for generations!

When I took a class for parents of twins, the teacher (a nurse and a mother of twins herself) told us that sometimes we’d need to lock ourselves in the bathroom for a good cry, so it would be an act of foresight to seriously baby-proof the house. Just because something is a good thing does not mean that it isn’t a very hard thing. Those two go together more often than people think!

There is a saying from the aviators that “any landing you walk away from is a good one.” That’s from the pilots–not a slipshod bunch of people! Perfectionists fly airplanes! It is not our desire for excellence that is our enemy. It is our refusal to admit that sometimes the conditions are such that the standards that define “success” are subject to change. When the weather is bad, a perfect flight is one that gets home safely. That is where you are. Get home safely first; go for the “style points” second. It is better to make the landing strip than to worry about whether anyone is spilling their drinks in the passenger section. Dry cleaning is cheaper than fixing an airplane.

I have often likened depression to “flying on instruments”. You look out the window and don’t get the visual cues you need. You get physical cues that will mislead you, even! You have to take your cues from these “instruments”, the truths you know to be true. You have to trust them even when they don’t seem true. You have to believe you are worthwhile even when you don’t feel worthwhile. You have to believe that what you can manage to do is enough. You have to believe that you can win without pitching a perfect game–that an “ugly” win is still one in the “W” column!–and even some days in the “L” column don’t mean you don’t have what it takes to keep playing. This is exhausting!! You can get home on instruments, but it is an exhausting way to have to fly. Give yourself credit for how hard that is, and get yourself rest accordingly.

You have to believe that survival is success. Let me tell you: Survival is success!! Your children don’t need a “perfect” you that doesn’t survive this. Your children need whatever you that can make it safely home, that will simply be there spend time with them and care about what happens to them at school and be happy about their interests and love what wonderful human beings they are. The truth is, if you learn how to let go of anxiety that nature gave you but that isn’t helping you give anyone including yourself a better life, you’ll give your children a greater gift than any other kind of “perfection” you could give them. To give them the gift of knowing how to fail and get up again, to give them the gift of knowing how to apologize and accept forgiveness and make what amends can be made and start over, to give them the gift of improving your natural difficulties of character even a little bit–these are the greatest gifts. Those things are just mercy and compassion and patience, lived out and given out generously. These are the things our children tell our great-grandchildren about us. If that is what you have to learn to get through this, you’re going to come out a better person, not a diminished person. You’ll be closer to the center of what makes us humans instead of machines, which is to say what makes us an image of God. Dare to believe that. It is hard when you are battling one of these bad times when you’re flying on instruments, but dare to believe it. It is the absolute truth.

 

[pensmama87]

This morning was a really good example of how my husband doesn’t “get it:”

On top of all this I also have a nasty cold (that my 2.5 year old son has now too - and while it does put a damper on the endless energy, there’s also the endless face wiping and “please cough into your elbow” and even more vigilant handwashing). I went to bed early last night and my husband said he would clean up the living room so I didn’t need to worry about it. I get up this morning with my older son and walk into the room. The toys are kind of picked up (mostly just shoved to the walls, but hey, the room is walkable) and I can work with that. No problem. BUT there are food pieces and trash - literally, garbage, all over the floor, and last night’s dinner dishes on the table (we have an L-shaped living and dining room combo).

:doh2:

I know I’m not supposed to think he does this stuff on purpose, but c’mon, really? Really?

 

[pensmama87]

You have to believe that survival is success. Let me tell you: Survival is success!! Your children don’t need a “perfect” you that doesn’t survive this. Your children need whatever you that can make it safely home, that will simply be there spend time with them and care about what happens to them at school and be happy about their interests and love what wonderful human beings they are. The truth is, if you learn how to let go of anxiety that nature gave you but that isn’t helping you give anyone including yourself a better life, you’ll give your children a greater gift than any other kind of “perfection” you could give them. To give them the gift of knowing how to fail and get up again, to give them the gift of knowing how to apologize and accept forgiveness and make what amends can be made and start over, to give them the gift of improving your natural difficulties of character even a little bit–these are the greatest gifts. Those things are just mercy and compassion and patience, lived out and given out generously. These are the things our children tell our great-grandchildren about us. If that is what you have to learn to get through this, you’re going to come out a better person, not a diminished person. You’ll be closer to the center of what makes us humans instead of machines, which is to say what makes us an image of God. Dare to believe that. It is hard when you are battling one of these bad times when you’re flying on instruments, but dare to believe it. It is the absolute truth.

Thank you. :bighanky:

I have just been feeling like an awful mother these past few months as I’ve tried to handle this. My older son lives in front of the TV some mornings. I have relapsed as I’ve thought, “This can’t go on. I have to do something today!” I forget that when I do come through this, and I do have moments of clarity where I think I will - I am going to be in a much better position to mother my children well. I have been hobbling along until now and they’re doing OK, but I’m not as present to them as I could be. I know that my disorder is getting in the way. The last thing I want is for them to think about food the same way I do. They’re both boys, and I know that boys are less prone to problem eating, but I also know that it’s not unheard of - I run into a lot of men in OA.

 

[Cat]

My husband suffers from clinical depression. In the 1990s, he spent about two years in a severely depressed state, and worked with a psychiatrist and a psychologist to achieve relief and return to a normal life.

The psychiatrist worked with him to come up with a med regimen that provided relief without devastating side effects; it took two years of various drugs to come up with a med that worked. This was not an easy time for anyone in our family, but especially for him. Some of the meds gave him terrifying nightmares. Some wiped him out completely.

The psychologist did weekly cognitive therapy sessions with him to help him re-align many of his very warped (due to the depression’s effects on his body chemistry) thought processes.

For the past six months, he’s been suffering through a relapse of the depression, and is again working with a psychiatrist and a psychologist. There are good days, but he’s still not out of the woods yet. I have dug in for the long haul here, and am working on keeping myself healthy mentally and physically.

So I have some experience with what you’re going through.

**I am concerned that you are being drastically UNDER-treated for a very serious condition.
**

Depression is often (not always) a clinical condition (a chemical inbalance in the body) that requires medical intervention, not just counselling. You also mention anxiety, and you describe perfectionist tendencies which suggest some OCD. And then there’s the eating disorder–that further complicates matters.

And you used the word “despair” in your title. That’s a very strong word. My husband uses the word “despair” to describe his outlook on life during the bouts with depression. He has a difficult time doing anything, even getting out of bed, when his depression is uncontrolled.

Do you see what I’m getting at? You’re not just having a little bout with “baby blues” or being overwhelmed with caring for two children. You are suffering from some very serious conditions that need treatment, not advice from an online column (although all of us are happy to encourage you and pray for you!).

In addition, considering the age of your children, it’s possible that you might have Post Partum Depression on top of your other syndromes. This makes your situation even MORE complex for the doctors!

Your therapist has given you “advice,” not therapy. To me, it sounds like the same kind of well-meaning advice that non-depressed best friends and acquaintances give depressed people; e.g., “Cheer up!” or “Count your blessings!” or “PMA!” or “Compare yourself to all the people who are worse off than you are.”

These sound bites do absolutely nothing to help a clinically-depressed person, any more than telling a diabetic to “just cut back a little on the white sugar” will help their diseased pancreas.

I think you need to find a doctor (psychiatrist) and start getting your depression, anxiety, possible OCD, and eating disorder treated aggressively. Depression puts you at high risk for suicide, and when there are small children under your care, there are other risks which are not pleasant to think about.

Godspeed to you. This is a hard road for you to travel, but you will make it.

 

[UbiCaritas]

This morning was a really good example of how my husband doesn’t “get it:”

On top of all this I also have a nasty cold (that my 2.5 year old son has now too - and while it does put a damper on the endless energy, there’s also the endless face wiping and “please cough into your elbow” and even more vigilant handwashing). I went to bed early last night and my husband said he would clean up the living room so I didn’t need to worry about it. I get up this morning with my older son and walk into the room. The toys are kind of picked up (mostly just shoved to the walls, but hey, the room is walkable) and I can work with that. No problem. BUT there are food pieces and trash - literally, garbage, all over the floor, and last night’s dinner dishes on the table (we have an L-shaped living and dining room combo).

:doh2:

I know I’m not supposed to think he does this stuff on purpose, but c’mon, really? Really?

I don’t know your husband, but I do know mine. My husband does not engage in passive-aggressive behavior at all. If I were in this situation, I’d say this is exactly how he’d have “cleaned up.” He’d be pleased that he cleaned up and helped, and I’d be annoyed and twitchy about the food, garbage, etc.

Something that might help, and which I’ve seen done especially in families with a lot of teenagers, is to make a detailed checklist of what, exactly, you mean by “clean up” a certain room. You probably aren’t up to making this kind of checklist right now; it’s just a thought for the future. For example, if we’re talking about cleaning the kitchen, it might read:

–All food wrapped and put away or, if it’s much less than one serving, thrown away.
–Table clear of anything except cloth, decorations (Advent wreath, for example), and placemats wiped down or replaced.
–All dishes, glasses, utensils in the dishwasher and the dishwasher started. (Don’t forget dish detergent!)
–All pans washed and put away.
–All items on counters put away or thrown away so that the counters are clear.
–Counters, stove, and sinks washed.
–Floor swept.
–Trash taken out.

Sure, you and I might do all these things automatically, but a lot of people won’t, and having a detailed list is very, very helpful for both husband and kids (once they’re old enough) alike because it tells them precisely what the expectations are for a certain job. That way they aren’t trying to reach some (to them) vague and indefinite standard, and you aren’t frustrated by the fact that they aren’t reaching your (to you) perfectly logical standard.

For the moment, though, I’d go over to him, give him a big kiss, and thank him for helping clean the living room. Unless this was some sort of passive-aggressiveness on his part and/or you explicitly asked that the plates etc be cleared, he honestly did try.