Marital Advice (Post-baby and marriage bed conflict)

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TruthBeautyGood

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Hey all,
I need advice on how to approach a conflict with my husband. I just gave birth naturally to our first child about 4 weeks ago (we’re totally googley-eyed). Not to get too detailed, I sustained a 2nd degree tear during the pushing stage (1st degree involves simply tearing of the skin, second is skin and vaginal wall muscle tissue, which requires a longer healing time). My tear was the worst part of the healing process for me that first week, sitting down was horrible. However, at this point things are still very sore but not as acutely painful, though it seems some of my stitches are still present and have not yet desolved. My husband and I consummated our vows twice since delivery, which was mutually desired but, when it came to “completion time”, pretty darn uncomfortable, sometimes painful, and not to mention frightening for me. Both times left it slightly sorer and feeling worse, and left me questioning whether that was a very good idea. I love my husband deeply and want to be united with him but I am afraid to continue the act as I fear it might hinder proper healing (the tissues aren’t completely approximated yet) and prolong comfortably taking part in the act in the future.

I’ve communicated my fears and concerns with my husband openly, letting him know I’ve decided to put a pause on those kinds of activities. He understands, however, he struggles with a very strong drive and is trying his hardest to wait and be patient (especially since, being a faithful Catholic, he cannot participate in “alternative” methods, either involving or not involving me). It has become so difficult for him that he brings up the suggestion to consummate our marriage daily, sometimes begging, and when I say I want to wait (I try to do so very gently and explain that I love him, want it too someday soon, and am proud of him for being strong and patient with me) he reacts very disappointedly, sometimes he is despondent. Today, before leaving for work, mostly being facetious and somewhat hopeful, he said to “get ready” for when he gets home. Hah.

I want peace so badly in our marriage. I’ll often comply with things I’m unsure about so as to achieve peace between us, though oftentimes we can have conflicts and struggle to resolve them. Our ability to communicate effectively and from a place of understanding often lacks. The last few days my thoughts have oscillated between placing my healing first or pleasing him and making him happy. Where I’m inclined through my reasoning to abstain, I’m inclined out of love for him and a desire for peace to comply with his requests. I’m choosing ultimately to follow my reasoning, but I do not know how to approach this issue with my husband or how to handle conflict, which this has a great potential to result in.

Any logical, helpful, and therapeutic advice is welcomed. I love advice from well-meaning and wise people in my life, however this was the only place where I could find it anonymously and while maintaining respect for my husband. Thank you so much.
 
“Honey, I don’t want you to bring this up daily. I will tell you when I am sufficiently healed to be intimate again. To set your expectations, that is probably 6 or 8 weeks post partum.”

If he was not continent before marriage he may not be used to controlling himself. So, now he needs to learn how.
 
1ke said:
“Honey, I don’t want you to bring this up daily. I will tell you when I am sufficiently healed to be intimate again. To set your expectations, that is probably 6 or 8 weeks post partum.”

If he was not continent before marriage he may not be used to controlling himself. So, now he needs to learn how.
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Thank you so much for your advice.
Any advice on if/when this turns to into conflict? I am definitely inclined to wait the 6-8 weeks for appropriate healing. Not sure if he’ll be able to last that long so patiently…
 
Honestly, your husband is acting like a child. Begging you, when he knows it is painful for you? I had a fourth degree tear. I could barely sit down for two months. I can’t imagine how much worse it would have been if my husband was begging me and acting despondent over waiting, and was willing to put his desires over my needs, watching me in pain and frightened.

Do you have a postpartum checkup coming up? If so, I would tell him that you will discuss it with your OB at that time, but that you will appreciate his not mentioning it again until you have been checked out by a doctor who says everything looks okay, and it is more comfortable for you (which may be some time after your appointment still). You should not have to keep consoling him; he should be supportive of your healing. I would let him know that as soon as you feel ready, you will let him know, but that until then you need him to stop making you feel badly.
 
TruthBeautyGood said:
Thank you so much for your advice.
Any advice on if/when this turns to into conflict? I am definitely inclined to wait the 6-8 weeks for appropriate healing. Not sure if he’ll be able to last that long so patiently…
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Well, he’s going to have to.

This isn’t you being mean or frigid. This is medically necessary healing time for you. I’ve never dealt with severe tearing and I still haven’t been ready until at least six weeks. There may be a very small percentage of women who are ready first thing, but really, he should not be surprised or upset with you over this.

I’d repeat what 1ke said and then the rest is up to him. Maybe have your OB or midwife talk to him if that would help him appreciate that this isn’t some whim of yours. And tell him you’re looking forward to it too, but it’s just not possible. Because it’s not.

(If you have the bad habit of people pleasing, now is the perfect time to lose it - you can’t take care of your baby or yourself if you’re worried about unreasonable demands from other people. Learn to say no and mean it. And learn to say, “I need help.”)
 
Lorelei12 said:
Honestly, your husband is acting like a child. Begging you, when he knows it is painful for you? I had a fourth degree tear. I could barely sit down for two months. I can’t imagine how much worse it would have been if my husband was begging me and acting despondent over waiting, and was willing to put his desires over my needs, watching me in pain and frightened.

**Do you have a postpartum checkup coming up? If so, I would tell him that you will discuss it with your OB at that time, but that you will appreciate his not mentioning it again until you have been checked out by a doctor who says everything looks okay, and it is more comfortable for you (which may be some time after your appointment still). **You should not have to keep consoling him; he should be supportive of your healing. I would let him know that as soon as you feel ready, you will let him know, but that until then you need him to stop making you feel badly.
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Exactly.

This is a medical issue. Wait until you have a green light from your doctor, get advice from your doctor, and then proceed with caution.

There’s a good chapter on this in Vicki Iovine’s Girlfriend’s Guide to the First Year. Read it and make sure your husband reads it.

If you start associating sex with pain, it’s potentially going to tank your intimate life, and perhaps for quite a long time.
 
pensmama87 said:
Well, he’s going to have to.

This isn’t you being mean or frigid. This is medically necessary healing time for you. I’ve never dealt with severe tearing and I still haven’t been ready until at least six weeks. There may be a very small percentage of women who are ready first thing, but really, he should not be surprised or upset with you over this.

I’d repeat what 1ke said and then the rest is up to him. **Maybe have your OB or midwife talk to him if that would help him appreciate that this isn’t some whim of yours. **And tell him you’re looking forward to it too, but it’s just not possible. Because it’s not.

(If you have the bad habit of people pleasing, now is the perfect time to lose it - you can’t take care of your baby or yourself if you’re worried about unreasonable demands from other people. Learn to say no and mean it. And learn to say, “I need help.”)
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Yes.
 
pensmama87 said:
Well, he’s going to have to.

This isn’t you being mean or frigid. This is medically necessary healing time for you. I’ve never dealt with severe tearing and I still haven’t been ready until at least six weeks. There may be a very small percentage of women who are ready first thing, but really, he should not be surprised or upset with you over this.

I’d repeat what 1ke said and then the rest is up to him. Maybe have your OB or midwife talk to him if that would help him appreciate that this isn’t some whim of yours. And tell him you’re looking forward to it too, but it’s just not possible. Because it’s not.

(If you have the bad habit of people pleasing, now is the perfect time to lose it - you can’t take care of your baby or yourself if you’re worried about unreasonable demands from other people. Learn to say no and mean it. And learn to say, “I need help.”)
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👍 Put your health first, OP. It isn’t going to hurt your husband to wait.

Lou
 
pensmama87 said:
Well, he’s going to have to.

This isn’t you being mean or frigid. This is medically necessary healing time for you. I’ve never dealt with severe tearing and I still haven’t been ready until at least six weeks. There may be a very small percentage of women who are ready first thing, but really, he should not be surprised or upset with you over this.

I’d repeat what 1ke said and then the rest is up to him. Maybe have your OB or midwife talk to him if that would help him appreciate that this isn’t some whim of yours. And tell him you’re looking forward to it too, but it’s just not possible. Because it’s not.

(If you have the bad habit of people pleasing, now is the perfect time to lose it - you can’t take care of your baby or yourself if you’re worried about unreasonable demands from other people. Learn to say no and mean it. And learn to say, “I need help.”)
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I am a total people-pleaser, and it IS a bad habit. Believe it or not, I used to be much, much worse. Then I became a nurse, and that quickly killed it 😉 My husband is a much more tender issue; I desire a peaceful, holy marriage so badly. My husband is a good man, with great qualities, but it makes me sad to have to find advice for this kind of situation. Please pray for me. And thank you all for the great advice, I’m taking all of it in. If anything, it has been reassurance and a source of courage for me to know that I really am reasonable! Lol 🙂
 
Your best chances of resuming regular, enjoyable encounters with your husband will occur if you give yourself time to heal. Be sure to see your doctor/midwife if problems persist!
 
TruthBeautyGood said:
Thank you so much for your advice.
Any advice on if/when this turns to into conflict? I am definitely inclined to wait the 6-8 weeks for appropriate healing. Not sure if he’ll be able to last that long so patiently…
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You HAVE to heal properly or the wait could be even longer if you don’t heal fully. Pray for him daily, invite him to pray also. But If HE doesn’t make it that long, choosing sin over abstinence, that is HIS fault and sin and not yours. Don’t let him guilt you into thinking it’s your fault. YOUR job is to heal and take care of that sweet baby. Maybe if he helps with the majority of evening and middle of the night care of baby (so you can rest) he may be tired enough the other isn’t as tempting. 😉
 
pensmama87 said:
Well, he’s going to have to.

This isn’t you being mean or frigid. This is medically necessary healing time for you. I’ve never dealt with severe tearing and I still haven’t been ready until at least six weeks. There may be a very small percentage of women who are ready first thing, but really, he should not be surprised or upset with you over this.

I’d repeat what 1ke said and then the rest is up to him. Maybe have your OB or midwife talk to him if that would help him appreciate that this isn’t some whim of yours. And tell him you’re looking forward to it too, but it’s just not possible. Because it’s not.

(If you have the bad habit of people pleasing, now is the perfect time to lose it - you can’t take care of your baby or yourself if you’re worried about unreasonable demands from other people. Learn to say no and mean it. And learn to say, “I need help.”)
Click to expand...
YES. My husband was reading this over my shoulder, and he’s frankly shocked at the thought that some men simply can’t control their desires.
This could derail things in such a more problematic way down the line.
Be strong. You have to focus on healing and the new baby.
 
Many women (myself included) are advised by their doctor to not have an intimacy for 6 weeks after birth-- and that’s if everything goes perfectly! He should have known that after your massive birth-giving effort he would have to wait. He has no right to ask you to do something you’re biological not up to.
 
This is a medical issue. Your body needs to heal. Why don’t you (lovingly) suggest your husband go on a run, join a gym, or find some other very active activity to help him out in these days where his drive is so high, but it just can’t be. You could be risking an infection and improper healing. Don’t “give in” to something that hurts you. You aren’t helping him by allowing him to let his “drive” be more important than your health.
 
First off, you shouldn’t have been intimate 4 weeks post partum with or without that kind of tear. I’ve had two babies and both times the minimum amount of time to wait was 6 weeks (when you got the green light from the doctor at the post partum check up).

I’m going to be blunt: Reading your post makes me SO. ANGRY. This is NO way for a husband to treat his wife. Give yourself time to heal. Do NOT give in to him before you are COMPLETELY healed. However long it takes, that’s how long it takes. If he tries to make you feel guilty about it, he can take it to marriage counseling.
 
I would serve up a massive helping of Catholic guilt trip. Something along the lines of, "How dare you pressure me like this? Where do you get the nerve? I just carried your child for nine months and pushed him through a nine centimeter hole, putting a tear in my vaginal wall and you have the nerve to badger me for sex with complete disregard for my physical pain and emotional distress? Does it even matter to you that sex is painful for me, or does the world just revolve around you? No, sir! You will wait in silence until I’m good and ready physically (which may be six weeks) and emotionally (which may be as long as it takes to forget that my own husband objectified me in such a way.) In the meantime, you can say novenas for objectified women everywhere and learn to fetch burp cloths efficiently.
 
Allegra said:
I would serve up a massive helping of Catholic guilt trip. Something along the lines of, "How dare you pressure me like this? Where do you get the nerve? I just carried your child for nine months and pushed him through a nine centimeter hole, putting a tear in my vaginal wall and you have the nerve to badger me for sex with complete disregard for my physical pain and emotional distress? Does it even matter to you that sex is painful for me, or does the world just revolve around you? No, sir! You will wait in silence until I’m good and ready physically (which may be six weeks) and emotionally (which may be as long as it takes to forget that my own husband objectified me in such a way.) In the meantime, you can say novenas for objectified women everywhere and learn to fetch burp cloths efficiently.
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:clapping:
 
I had a hysterectomy December 2015 with a MANDITORY wait of two months! It doesn’t end there. Ten months later I am still having complications that make sex almost impossible. My husband not once has placed his needs above my health. Eight MONTHS of this period of very little sex has been only due to severe pain, not actual need for medical healing. Again, not once has he even put his wants above my comfort. My husband is Protestant to boot, which doesn’t have the same marital bed “rules” that we do. Your husband can make it six weeks (or eight or ten or twelve,whatever it takes.) He won’t die from abstinence I promise. 😉
 
Allegra said:
I would serve up a massive helping of Catholic guilt trip. Something along the lines of, "How dare you pressure me like this? Where do you get the nerve? I just carried your child for nine months and pushed him through a nine centimeter hole, putting a tear in my vaginal wall and you have the nerve to badger me for sex with complete disregard for my physical pain and emotional distress? Does it even matter to you that sex is painful for me, or does the world just revolve around you? No, sir! You will wait in silence until I’m good and ready physically (which may be six weeks) and emotionally (which may be as long as it takes to forget that my own husband objectified me in such a way.) In the meantime, you can say novenas for objectified women everywhere and learn to fetch burp cloths efficiently.
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Amen!!!
I had a c section after a full day of labor and my non believing husband was perfectly patient. Six months later we’re still not back to normal because of a very clingy, poor sleeper and while he’s frustrated, he handles it like an adult. Your husband needs to step it up and wait until you’re ready. This makes me so concerned for you… What if, God forbid, something happened that would require long term abstinence? And he can’t even wait the six weeks until you’re ready?
 
TruthBeautyGood said:
I am a total people-pleaser, and it IS a bad habit. Believe it or not, I used to be much, much worse. Then I became a nurse, and that quickly killed it 😉 My husband is a much more tender issue; I desire a peaceful, holy marriage so badly. My husband is a good man, with great qualities, but it makes me sad to have to find advice for this kind of situation. Please pray for me. And thank you all for the great advice, I’m taking all of it in. If anything, it has been reassurance and a source of courage for me to know that I really am reasonable! Lol 🙂
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I am a recovering people pleaser, so I get it. You’re not used to advocating for yourself and neither is your husband. But for your sake and his, and your child, you need to learn!

If you do end up with difficulties understanding what’s reasonable or not, definitely consult a doctor, therapist or even your priest. I had postpartum depression twice but really, that was made so much worse because I tried to do too much and asked for too little. It is a hard adjustment but my marriage is stronger and better now. There were definitely some times it was not peaceful, and it was tempting to give in so that serene surface would come back, but that’s not deep and it doesn’t last, and all it does is teach people to use you - which doesn’t help them grow in holiness!

Praying for you. This is a major adjustment and it is hard, but with many graces and blessings! I hope you are enjoying your little one as well. 🙂
 
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