Marital Advice (Post-baby and marriage bed conflict)

[ShrodingersCat]

“Honey, I don’t want you to bring this up daily. I will tell you when I am sufficiently healed to be intimate again. To set your expectations, that is probably 6 or 8 weeks post partum.”

This. I’m sure he doesn’t realise because he sounds like a great guy otherwise, but he’s putting pressure on you to do something that you aren’t comfortable with. Every day is not a reasonable time frame for bringing this up. However, communication is key; you need to be up front too and not string him along. He needs a rough time frame and you should keep him updated every so often of the status of that timeline perhaps.

As an aside, most websites that discuss postpartum sex recommend waiting for six weeks after a normal delivery with no tears, until you get an all-clear from your doctor. So it stands to reason that you would wait longer before having sex with such a serious tear.

 

[SuperHappy]

I would suggest that you take your husband to the OB/Gyn with you so that your husband can understand that this is not about your desire, but about healing for your physical body. If he persists and you give in and something tears or ruptures, the wait time for healing will increase again.

He needs to understand and have concern for you and your body. You are a person, not an object and as such, he needs to respect what you are telling him in regard to your person.

Congrats on your sweet bundle of joy!

 

[1Lord1Faith]

I’ve communicated my fears and concerns with my husband openly, letting him know I’ve decided to put a pause on those kinds of activities. He understands, however, he struggles with a very strong drive and is trying his hardest to wait and be patient (especially since, being a faithful Catholic, he cannot participate in “alternative” methods, either involving or not involving me).** It has become so difficult for him that he brings up the suggestion to consummate our marriage daily, sometimes begging,** and when I say I want to wait (I try to do so very gently and explain that I love him, want it too someday soon, and am proud of him for being strong and patient with me)** he reacts very disappointedly, sometimes he is despondent. Today, before leaving for work, mostly being facetious and somewhat hopeful, he said to “get ready” for when he gets home.** Hah.

What is the point of your husband abstaining from masterbation or prostitutes if he isn’t respecting you. What your describing is legalism, following a teaching without really understanding the point of it, and thus blowing it elsewhere… He’s adhering to the teaching of monogamy for the price of disrespecting his wife. What’s the point in following one teaching and disregarding another.

Your husband needs more instruction on his role as husband and father.

BTW, there’s probably not a married man on CAF, including myself, who wasn’t just like your husband, in one regard or another, at one time. It’s a lifelong journey.

Happy Babying!

 

[Sugabee43]

All of this advice is good. I cannot imagine being capable, physically or emotionally, of having an active sex life that early after childbirth. Not only is your body healing, but you’re still getting used to having a baby and ALL that newborns require!

Not to mention, if you are having sex before your body is physically ready and it’s painful, you could possibly be setting yourself up for what I can only describe as a “mental block” for having sex. I mean, this happened to me. I wasn’t ready physically (not sure how much of a tear it was, but my doctor described it as “stem to stern”), and it hurt so badly that for a while, it totally turned me off to sex, even after I was physically capable. I was afraid of it hurting again.

I think being gentle in your approach to telling your husband that he needs to wait until a) the doctor gives an “all clear”, AND b) YOU are emotionally ready is best. If he persists or whines, then you get assertive and tell him in no uncertain terms that he’s being selfish and needs to back off.

 

[His_helpmeet]

:clapping:

I would serve up a massive helping of Catholic guilt trip. Something along the lines of, "How dare you pressure me like this? Where do you get the nerve? I just carried your child for nine months and pushed him through a nine centimeter hole, putting a tear in my vaginal wall and you have the nerve to badger me for sex with complete disregard for my physical pain and emotional distress? Does it even matter to you that sex is painful for me, or does the world just revolve around you? No, sir! You will wait in silence until I’m good and ready physically (which may be six weeks) and emotionally (which may be as long as it takes to forget that my own husband objectified me in such a way.) In the meantime, you can say novenas for objectified women everywhere and learn to fetch burp cloths efficiently.

:clapping:

 

[pensmama87]

Actually, it does seem surprising to me that your husband would even have time or energy to think about it. Everyone’s different, of course, but I remember once asking my husband if it bugged him and he said he didn’t have the time or energy to even think about sex, and he wasn’t the one feeding the baby so he could only imagine how I felt.

I would keep a list of things he could do to help him stay distracted. The bonus is him taking on those things will help you stay rested and heal up.

 

[Mamanurse]

Wow. Just wow. When I read your post, my mouth hung open almost the entire time! Like others have said, you really should have waited 6 weeks to even consider sex, and even then take it very slowly and if there is any discomfort, STOP! Especially with a tear, your body needs time to heal, if it doesn’t then it may be even worse with scar tissue and other damage. He needs a good talking to for sure. Make him come to your 6 week PP ck up and I bet the dr would give him an earful. I didn’t tear for my last two and it was at least 6 weeks until I was even considering it, and even then it hurt a little.

Definitely lift him up in prayer during this time to help his desires, but he really needs to man up and deal. He’s being a bit selfish and you need to remain firm in telling him no. God bless! Prayers for you!

 

[twf]

Frankly, your husband may be a good man, but right now he’s being a selfish jerk. As a husband, I am disgusted that a Catholic man would act like this. After my wife’s c-section we weren’t intimate for months - and as others have noted 6 weeks is the typical bare minimum.

 

[heidi_storage]

I don’t think it’s helpful to call the husband names, or to advise the OP to scold him for requesting relations. Adjusting to a new baby is a very topsy-turvy, stressful time, even if you’re over the moon about your new little one, and showing love and grace to your spouse is likelier to promote a good, healthy emotional environment than berating the spouse for various shortcomings.

The OP’s received some good advice about giving her husband a realistic timeline for when she might be expected to resume normal relations. Best to leave it at that.

And, OP, I hope that every day that passes is bringing you healing. Recovery from childbirth isn’t a small matter! I also hope that you will use your OB’s advice line, even though you may have more knowledge as a nurse than us lay women would. Believe me, any decent office is HAPPY to address your concerns, and it can be really difficult to tell when something is “normal” and something is amiss.

 

[Allegra]

I don’t think it’s helpful to call the husband names, or to advise the OP to scold him for requesting relations. Adjusting to a new baby is a very topsy-turvy, stressful time, even if you’re over the moon about your new little one, and showing love and grace to your spouse is likelier to promote a good, healthy emotional environment than berating the spouse for various shortcomings.

The OP’s received some good advice about giving her husband a realistic timeline for when she might be expected to resume normal relations. Best to leave it at that.
.

Did you happen to catch this portion of the OP?

“I’ve communicated my fears and concerns with my husband openly, letting him know I’ve decided to put a pause on those kinds of activities. He understands, however, he struggles with a very strong drive and is trying his hardest to wait and be patient (especially since, being a faithful Catholic, he cannot participate in “alternative” methods, either involving or not involving me). It has become so difficult for him that he brings up the suggestion to consummate our marriage daily, sometimes begging, and when I say I want to wait (I try to do so very gently and explain that I love him, want it too someday soon, and am proud of him for being strong and patient with me) he reacts very disappointedly, sometimes he is despondent. Today, before leaving for work, mostly being facetious and somewhat hopeful, he said to “get ready” for when he gets home. Hah.”

The OP’s husband is fully aware of the situation and yet continues to badger her. In whatever words she chooses to use, she needs to tell him to shut up about it.

 

[kptrs]

I don’t think it’s helpful to call the husband names, or to advise the OP to scold him for requesting relations. Adjusting to a new baby is a very topsy-turvy, stressful time, even if you’re over the moon about your new little one, and showing love and grace to your spouse is likelier to promote a good, healthy emotional environment than berating the spouse for various shortcomings.

The OP’s received some good advice about giving her husband a realistic timeline for when she might be expected to resume normal relations. Best to leave it at that.

And, OP, I hope that every day that passes is bringing you healing. Recovery from childbirth isn’t a small matter! I also hope that you will use your OB’s advice line, even though you may have more knowledge as a nurse than us lay women would. Believe me, any decent office is HAPPY to address your concerns, and it can be really difficult to tell when something is “normal” and something is amiss.

It’s fair to say that the husband shouldn’t be called names, but he should most definitely be scolded for repeatedly asking for marital relations when having them would put his wife’s physical health and wellbeing at risk. If he absolutely cannot take no for an answer and continuously pouts about it and places a guilt trip on his wife, who is physically recovering from childbirth, then he is being very selfish and needs to be called out on it.