Marital bed questions

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Hi there, I am needing some (name removed by moderator)ut and direction. My husband and I have had a very moderate marital bed activity sometimes 1x/month or more frequent. We have lately been fighting a lot about various things. I have been unhappy with him for his “parenting” and his weight and other things. Recently I viewed a tv show (you may know it, Outlander). Ever since completing the first season I have had a heightened desire for intimacy with my husband. We engaging in the marital embrace nightly. It has made things better for us during the day. We’ve stopped fighting and can even laugh and joke about stuff. We seem to be more connected and less argumentitive. I have mostly forgotton all my grievances with him and seem to be in a marital bliss/honeymoon situation. I am frequently thinking about him and get very excited when he arrives home past midnight hoping we can be together again. Its crazy. Its like overboard passion. Is this ok or normal? Can I say things to him about his private parts and it be ok (ok, I am alluding to dirty talk here). I am very embarrassed as this is a bedroom private thing and I am truly looking for (name removed by moderator)ut. Thank you for your prayerful responses. I am writing quickly as I have six kids and am needed to for various things so I am sorry if this is too brief. Thank you again. I appreciate your responses. 🙂
 
gardengal said:
Hi there, I am needing some (name removed by moderator)ut and direction. My husband and I have had a very moderate marital bed activity sometimes 1x/month or more frequent. We have lately been fighting a lot about various things. I have been unhappy with him for his “parenting” and his weight and other things. Recently I viewed a tv show (you may know it, Outlander). Ever since completing the first season I have had a heightened desire for intimacy with my husband. We engaging in the marital embrace nightly. It has made things better for us during the day. We’ve stopped fighting and can even laugh and joke about stuff. We seem to be more connected and less argumentitive. I have mostly forgotton all my grievances with him and seem to be in a marital bliss/honeymoon situation. I am frequently thinking about him and get very excited when he arrives home past midnight hoping we can be together again. Its crazy. Its like overboard passion. Is this ok or normal? Can I say things to him about his private parts and it be ok (ok, I am alluding to dirty talk here). I am very embarrassed as this is a bedroom private thing and I am truly looking for (name removed by moderator)ut. Thank you for your prayerful responses. I am writing quickly as I have six kids and am needed to for various things so I am sorry if this is too brief. Thank you again. I appreciate your responses. 🙂
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Personally, while I’m all for increased marital relations, it kind of sounds like you’re using sex to mask other issues in your marriage. This is something that is common in sexually-active non-married relationships. Basically, they hide all their problems behind the sexual act, until such a point that the relationship explodes because they haven’t been properly maintaining it.

I’m not familiar with the Outlander show; is there something about it that is heightening your desires? Is it a sexually provocative show?

My suggestion: You’ve indicated that there are things which bother you. You need to work with your husband to address these issues. Sex is great, and it’s good that you feel attracted to your husband, but don’t allow it to override the deeper foundational areas of the sacrament of marriage. If you can work on the problems while maintaining your nightly rendezvous, then I’d say go for it; if you can’t, then remember that the strength of your relationship is not determined by the frequency of your sexual intimacy, but rather by the degree to which you truly love and sacrifice for each other.

As for the dirty talk, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with it so long as it’s not demeaning to you or your husband.
 
Thank you very much for you thoughtful reply. Yes, the show has a mature rating and in several episodes some very erotic scenes specifically in the honeymoon/wedding episode. Just some background: married since 1995, six kids from 3 to 17. I recall having had this flood of passion specifically when I am pregnant. So I thought, “maybe I am pregnant”… but its not the case this time.
 
gardengal said:
Thank you very much for you thoughtful reply. Yes, the show has a mature rating and in several episodes some very erotic scenes specifically in the honeymoon/wedding episode. Just some background: married since 1995, six kids from 3 to 17. I recall having had this flood of passion specifically when I am pregnant. So I thought, “maybe I am pregnant”… but its not the case this time.
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Have you been watching those erotic episodes frequently, especially on the nights when you desire intimacy?
 
No, not every night. I think I have watched the whole season atleast 3x though.
 
gardengal said:
No, not every night. I think I have watched the whole season atleast 3x though.
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Even if you’re not watching it every night, it sounds like it’s had a significant influence on your sexual urges, especially given that you indicated it as the genesis of your heightened desires.

I would suggest not watching the show for a while. As a husband, I’d love it if my wife were up for having sex every evening, but it sounds like the show is exciting you in a way that could be considered improper. Your sexual urges aren’t coming from your desire to be joined with your husband, but instead are being implanted in you by an external source. If you stop watching the show altogether and the sexual desire your feeling remains constant, then I might be wrong. If that’s the case then I’d say to go for it, but still address the issues you’re having. No good will come from ignoring them.

On the other hand; if, as you distance yourself from the show, you find that your sexual desire for your husband is decreasing and the issues are becoming the more prominent thought in your mind, then I’d definitely give those priority. If that’s the case, then [again, as a husband who’s wife isn’t particularly interested in sex] I’d urge you to remember the joy you feel when engaging with your husband, and to make the effort to reach out him sexually on a regular basis. Sex is a very important part of a marriage, and when the husband feels like the wife is actively withholding it (regardless of if it’s an active withholding or not) it can really drive a wedge between them.

Above all, remember that martial strength is not gauged in the frequency of sexual intimacy; it’s about how deeply and fully you love each other; with a sacrificial love which puts the other first and leads both parties towards God.
 
Wait. Why are you asking? What do you need?
You have six children. You hubs loves you.
I don’t see a problem. :confused:
 
pianistclare said:
Wait. Why are you asking? What do you need?
You have six children. You hubs loves you.
I don’t see a problem. :confused:
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The way I saw it, she was asking if her sudden sexual urges were appropriate or not, and if certain expressions of that desire were okay.
 
gardengal said:
Hi there, I am needing some (name removed by moderator)ut and direction. My husband and I have had a very moderate marital bed activity sometimes 1x/month or more frequent. We have lately been fighting a lot about various things. I have been unhappy with him for his “parenting” and his weight and other things. Recently I viewed a tv show (you may know it, Outlander). Ever since completing the first season I have had a heightened desire for intimacy with my husband. We engaging in the marital embrace nightly. It has made things better for us during the day. We’ve stopped fighting and can even laugh and joke about stuff. We seem to be more connected and less argumentitive. I have mostly forgotton all my grievances with him and seem to be in a marital bliss/honeymoon situation. I am frequently thinking about him and get very excited when he arrives home past midnight hoping we can be together again. Its crazy. Its like overboard passion. Is this ok or normal? Can I say things to him about his private parts and it be ok (ok, I am alluding to dirty talk here). I am very embarrassed as this is a bedroom private thing and I am truly looking for (name removed by moderator)ut. Thank you for your prayerful responses. I am writing quickly as I have six kids and am needed to for various things so I am sorry if this is too brief. Thank you again. I appreciate your responses. 🙂
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gardengal, this is not an uncommon phenomenon around midlife. Prior to the wind down of the hormones, there is often a last surge. A last hurrah. You said it is like the hormone surge of pregnancy. This thing often around age 40 and can be exacerbated by a sense of having given everything to everyone else for so long and suddenly wanting something for oneself.

The heightened passions and sensitivity increase desire and its not uncommon to find a sudden attraction to fantasy fiction romance and music. Before Outlander there was Twilight. In the old days there was the Harlequin romances.

As for the marital bed, I think ProdigalArchitect, mentioned an important aspect. If you had been having some resentment towards hubby that wasn’t addressed and now you are having lots of sex that masks those issues… there is possible problems ahead. A question to ask yourself is has he become an object in your fantasy rather than the true object of your love and affection?

I know this transition in life is a fairly natural phenomenon and can be the catalyst for a good change for you… but always be aware of your conscience and be courageous in choosing right over wrong through all the heightened experiences.

I speak first from my own experience and secondly from the work that my experience led me into with a Catholic counselling organisation and the many other women journeying this time of life also that I came in contact with.

God bless.
 
I think it helps to have some insight into what happens to us naturally in times of transition.

My mother was always very succinct in passing on tidbits but I clearly remembered her telling me when I was around 35 that women can be more prone to affairs and alcoholism around 40. At the time I didn’t have a clue why she said that because I knew that I had always been a good person and in control of myself, right?!

When I began to experience the things that gardengal is describing I suddenly didn’t even recognise my old self. I feel eternally grateful to have stayed the course through that time and it was in a big part due to that seed of advice my mother offered. I knew that it was a transition and would pass and that it would not serve me to throw moral caution completely to the wind.
 
gardengal, could you please clarify your question?

At the moment it sounds like: “my husband and I have a great sex life, which has seemingly helped in other areas of our marriage too, and I don’t know what to do about it.”
 
Longing Soul: that sounds very logical. I am 49 years of age and still ovulating but since January its been extremely touch and go–not at all the 28 day cycle very on the dot ovulation pattern I am used too. I can see how I may be objectifying my husband but uncertain of this diagnosis as I am sweeter, kinder, and generally having a better disposition towards him and finding myself more affectionate with him–the most I have been in a very long time. I have had these “issues” and lack of even a loving feeling towards him in the past few years and that has been a barrier–keeping me from being the affectionate wife and I am not talking about the marital bed; just in general. Thank you for your thoughtful response and helping me sort this all out.
 
Under a Cloud: The way I saw it, she was asking if her sudden sexual urges were appropriate or not, and if certain expressions of that desire were okay.

This is it in a nutshell… thank you 👍
 
gardengal said:
Hi there, I am needing some (name removed by moderator)ut and direction. My husband and I have had a very moderate marital bed activity sometimes 1x/month or more frequent. We have lately been fighting a lot about various things. I have been unhappy with him for his “parenting” and his weight and other things. Recently I viewed a tv show (you may know it, Outlander). Ever since completing the first season I have had a heightened desire for intimacy with my husband. We engaging in the marital embrace nightly. It has made things better for us during the day. We’ve stopped fighting and can even laugh and joke about stuff. We seem to be more connected and less argumentitive. I have mostly forgotton all my grievances with him and seem to be in a marital bliss/honeymoon situation. I am frequently thinking about him and get very excited when he arrives home past midnight hoping we can be together again. Its crazy. Its like overboard passion. Is this ok or normal? Can I say things to him about his private parts and it be ok (ok, I am alluding to dirty talk here). I am very embarrassed as this is a bedroom private thing and I am truly looking for (name removed by moderator)ut. Thank you for your prayerful responses. I am writing quickly as I have six kids and am needed to for various things so I am sorry if this is too brief. Thank you again. I appreciate your responses. 🙂
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Well, I have no libido at 67yo and in chronic pain w degenerate joint disease and degenrate disc disease and osteoarthritis, 2 spinal surgeries and fibromyalgia where my skin hurts. So, I read romance books to find if my libido fell in between the pages. My husband deserves some excitement in his life. He has a license he reminds me(chuckle) Some are pretty clean w good story lines. Some I read one chapter and throw it out. a friend told me about Outlander. She didn’t tell me it was 8 books of 1300 pages each. I don’t stop reading a book till the end. I had to make exceptions here. But I read 8 books, 1300 pages over 10 days. Jamie the Scottish hero and Claire the heroine have exciting , mostly, historically correct situations. Some good humor. Their honeymoon was very cute. I watched it twice. It is a time travel romance. Some horrible torture on the Scots from the Brits. One picks on Jamie all the time. He has him captured now. Fractured his hand and to save Claire’s life, Jamie sacrificed his body for her safety. Randall is a sodomite.They save Jamie but not in time for him to keep nightmares for the rest of his life. Explicit near rape scene. So there are things that are sweet and arouseable for young women w 6 kids and old women w lost libidos. It takes us in history through the battle of Culloden. The time when Scots were Catholics. Then they take a trip to the Americas and the Revolutionary war is starting to bubble. Claire is from 1945 and was transported through stones to 1750’s. So, she can help w preparing for the troubles but it is just a great historical story line w beautiful romance w Jamie and Claire and torture w Randall the Brit who is her grandfather 5 times removed of her husband from 1945. So much for the book review.
Your husband is still pudgy. I am 80# overweight and my spouse still tells me I am beautiful. Of course he has the gift of failing vision. JOKE> NO he can see. You can take the kids and go for walks after dinner.
As the one other member said, do inventory on both of you. Become a team. Share bath time w kids and room pick up as they get tucked in. Genesis say the wife should desire her husband=Go Girl and Ephesians 5: 22-33 How husbands and wives should treat each other. A wife is to respect her husband. It never says a wife is to love her husband.
She is to desire and respect him. Think of the male psyche. Do that then he will love you as Christ loved the church even to lay his life down for it. You both own each others body. It is beautiful to read Ephesians 5. I like the whole letter. Ephesians 3:13-14 is a beautiful prayer Paul prays for his church. What happens behind bedroom doors that is consensual and ends in intercourse without stopping the normal flow of fluids to procreate is allowed. That is what I was taught. The Outlander will get over. I pray she is writing a book 9 because there is more story line i am waiting for.

May God help husbands and wives be as He would like us to be in all things in all ways. If perchance, we are so tired are in so much pain, give us jolts of testosterone and estrogen. May God bless your family of 8 being devout Catholics.🙂

in Christ’s love
tweedlealice They picked a good Jamie Frazier
 
I say, take advantage of it while it lasts. As long as your not engaging in some sort of fantasy about the characters of the show while you’re with your husband, I don’t think you are doing anything harmful. I disagree that it is harmful to let sex cover up marital arguments. Sex is God’s way of helping women forget petty things that annoy them about their husbands. If the thing that annoyed you before was really a legitimate problem, you’d still be bothered by it after sex.
 
Thank you Tweedlealice and Allegra; your (name removed by moderator)ut is giving me food for thought and shedding light on things for me. God bless 🙂

There was a comment earlier in the thread and I was :confused: it read: troll. If that was directed at me I can assure you that my query is very serious and I am grateful for the serious considerate responses. God bless.
 
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