Marital betrayal

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Dreamisover

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Hello everyone. I recently discovered after 21 years of marriage and two children that my husband has been viewing porn, lusting after women, gone to strip clubs and had “indecent” contact with a woman. He lied and lied and lied to protect his secret life. I am heart broken. I don’t know how to love and have a life with a man I feel I don’t know. His mind and heart were so filthy. He was not a very supportive, kind or loving husband. I’ve given our marriage my best effort over the years and feel so betrayed. He has turned over a new leaf and is making God his priority now. The problem is I can’t get the images or hurt out of my brain and soul. Any thoughts or prayers would be greatly appreciated. God bless
 
I’m so sorry to hear this. My husband betrayed me in my first marriage as well, so I know how much it can hurt.
But if he is in reality making God his priority now, there is definitely hope for your marriage. I hope you are seeing a counselor together. He needs to know how deeply he has hurt you,
Keep in mind that Jesus was betrayed as well, by some of his best friends, He knows what it’s like.
Praying for your healing.
 
Dreamisover said:
Hello everyone. I recently discovered after 21 years of marriage and two children that my husband has been viewing porn, lusting after women, gone to strip clubs and had “indecent” contact with a woman. He lied and lied and lied to protect his secret life. I am heart broken. I don’t know how to love and have a life with a man I feel I don’t know. His mind and heart were so filthy. He was not a very supportive, kind or loving husband. I’ve given our marriage my best effort over the years and feel so betrayed. He has turned over a new leaf and is making God his priority now. The problem is I can’t get the images or hurt out of my brain and soul. Any thoughts or prayers would be greatly appreciated. God bless
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Dear Dreamisover,

I am going through this as well. It is not easy but you can and will get through it. I started a similar thread just three months ago, look up me, HollowGhost or my thread “Please pray for a devastated man”. We share remarkable similarities in that mine occurred at the 21 year point as well. My wife has committed herself to God and our marriage as well but it still is not easy. I will pray for you and your marriage.

Your Brother in Christ,

HollowGhost
 
Thank you for those replies. I will definitely look up your thread. I am too ashamed to share this with many people so, as of yet, I have not been able to get the perspective of another loyal Christian that knows the struggles. I am trying so hard to follow Jesus’ example of love. I have a lot to learn. One prayer at a time.
Blessings
 
I do believe all things are possible with the help of God. Your husband made 21 years worth of bad decisions without God. All we can say with certainty at this point is that he made a good choice in finally turning to God. If he is doing so with a sincere heart and he is completely open to the Holy Spirit, anything is possible. It will be a long, difficult road. There is no way to speed the process along. In due time, however, you and your husband may both get a strong message about the power of God in our lives. That is my hope and my prayer for you both. May God change his heart. May he learn to love his wife as Christ loved His church. And may you find peace and faith in his love for you. If he seeks the help of God, your love and commitment will not only be to your husband, but to our God, as well. I can’t offer anything more than my prayers. As I’ve already said, the road will be long and difficult. It would be even more difficult without God. It might seem a small comfort right now, but your husband’s openness to turning to God is the blessing in all of this. May it continue so Christ can give you the peace you seek.
 
Woman Suffering because of unchastity is a group here you might want to join. This is a very common problem in our world today and many people share in your same trouble. If your husband is trying to change then you are very fortunate because many will not. Try very hard to replace any images with positive thoughts, say a prayer when they cone over you and pray as often as you can. With time and God’s help you will overcome all of it. I will pray for you.

Memorare

REMEMBER, O most gracious Virgin Mary, that never was it known that anyone who fled to thy protection, implored thy help, or sought thy intercession was left unaided. Inspired with this confidence, I fly to thee, O Virgin of virgins, my Mother; to thee do I come; before thee I stand, sinful and sorrowful. O Mother of the Word Incarnate, despise not my petitions, but in thy mercy hear and answer me. Amen.
 
Dreamisover said:
Hello everyone. I recently discovered after 21 years of marriage and two children that my husband has been viewing porn, lusting after women, gone to strip clubs and had “indecent” contact with a woman. He lied and lied and lied to protect his secret life. I am heart broken. I don’t know how to love and have a life with a man I feel I don’t know. His mind and heart were so filthy. He was not a very supportive, kind or loving husband. I’ve given our marriage my best effort over the years and feel so betrayed. He has turned over a new leaf and is making God his priority now. The problem is I can’t get the images or hurt out of my brain and soul. Any thoughts or prayers would be greatly appreciated. God bless
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You and any other women reading this and dealing with the same issues may wish to join the CAF group here, “Women Suffering Because of Unchastity.” (See top toolbar under “groups.”). It deals with the very hurtful effects of the porn/lusting issue and has helped me as a wife tremendously. Please know that you’re definitely not alone in this and that you will be in my prayers.
 
I also suffered a betrayal just like this, and I will pray for you. When the painful thoughts come up, realize they are sent straight from hell because the devil wants to see you miserable. I used to say a quick prayer, even just the name of Jesus, for healing in that moment and it did help. The pain feels unbearable, I know, but it can get better. What a previous poster said about those closest to Jesus betraying him is very true. St Peter totally blew it and betrayed Our Lord, but he was able to truly repent and turn everything around in the end.
It also helped to have think out some really specific things your husband should start doing to regain your trust. Getting your priest to help can be good: let him be accountable, have someone who can cut through any BS excuses.
I’ve posted these before, but our pastor here had some great essays on the evil of pornography and combatting it. olmcfssp.org/cms/index.php/olmc/events/cat/bulletin_inserts/P60/
 
Dreamisover said:
Hello everyone. I recently discovered after 21 years of marriage and two children that my husband has been viewing porn, lusting after women, gone to strip clubs and had “indecent” contact with a woman. He lied and lied and lied to protect his secret life. I am heart broken. I don’t know how to love and have a life with a man I feel I don’t know. His mind and heart were so filthy. He was not a very supportive, kind or loving husband. I’ve given our marriage my best effort over the years and feel so betrayed. He has turned over a new leaf and is making God his priority now. The problem is I can’t get the images or hurt out of my brain and soul. Any thoughts or prayers would be greatly appreciated. God bless
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Are you guys in counseling? If he won’t go, then go by yourself. As long as he his making a 110% effort to change and earn your trust and forgiveness, then there is a very good chance you can get past this and have the strong, happy marriage you always wanted and deserve. When those thoughts get into your head, push them away with another thought, a song or a prayer. Give it lots of time and keep God as the #1 priority in your lives; He will get you through this.
 
I think it was Fulton Sheen who mentioned something along the lines of: If your husband or wife have a heart attack, do you not take care of them, help make them better? Why not the same when they have a moral heart attack? (paraphrasing)

I used to be addicted to porn, lust and masturbation, as well as having several sexual partners, all before I met my now wife. It was a struggle for her to come to terms with my ‘adultery in advance’ as well as for me to overcome, with God’s help of course, my sinful behaviour. Now, after several years and frequent confessions, I can say that I am at least a recovering addict - I always maintain there is no such thing as recovered.

But, I will say, possibly the worst thing you can do to your now-converting husband, is to remind him of his past. Help him along his journey of healing, through whatever means necessary (counselling, spiritual direction, etc.) but any progress will be lost just reminding him of what he did. Trust me, as a recovering addict, I remind myself enough what I have done, I don;t need help there - I suspect your husband might be the same. My prayers are with you.
 
God bless all of you! I cannot express how grateful I am for all the thoughts and prayers. I am taking every comment and prayer to heart with great reflection. I can see God working through all of you. Biffruffle, wow, God has some kind of timing. As I read your message I was so upset with him. We are driving to church and yet I am full of disgust for his selfish dirty thoughts. I am trying so hard to empathize and that is exactly what you helped me do. After reading your comment I asked him if he ever thought about this on his own and he actually expressed that he thinks about my feelings all day. News to me. Thank you. That was exactly what I needed to hear. Exactly. I will read your comment over again whenever I need to refresh my compassion! It is so important for me to try and understand the addicts “process”. God bless!
 
I’m glad my experiences can help you. It was actually today, December 8, the Feast of the Immaculate Conception, about 3 years ago, when I really entered the recovering phase. I totally blame Our Lady for bringing me this far. After all, if you’re fighting a war (which addiction recovery is) you want, as John Corapi often said, a ‘mama with combat boots!’

If you would like any more advice or know more about my experiences, feel free to PM me.
 
Dear Dreamisover,

I have been praying for you. I too am going through recovery from betrayal. Years ago, my father committed suicide. I had to ask my mom a few weeks back what year that was; the memories were so painful that I had blocked it out. I had to ask my wife where we stayed; could not remember if we took the children to the funeral. I am telling you this because when you find out after decades of marriage that your spouse has been unfaithful, it is a million times worse. 97% of men say this is the single hardest, worst thing they ever have experienced. I agree.

I rarely think about my dad’s suicide anymore. I suspect that is the mind’s way of protecting us. Over time we will be the same with regards to our betrayal.

I want you to know what you will go through & with God’s grace, wake up each day For a while, you will sleep only a few hours. I vomited every day (sometimes more than once) for 10 weeks. I lost 32 pounds. You will find the need to clean or do something to keep the hellish thoughts at bay.

Stay in faith! I fell to my knees & pleaded for Christ to help me carry this cross. Go to Mass as often as possible. I went to confession & received the sacraments. Don’t let your anger fester; it will become cancerous. I realized the first day that I needed to forgive. Get a book or two on forgiveness. A classic is"Forgive and Forget". I am also reading “Let it Go: Forgive so You Can Be Forgiven” by T.D. Jakes. The forgiveness is as much for you as for your spouse. Forgiveness unfortunately does not mean forgetting. I liken it to Paul who was given a painful malady as a reminder of his past. This can serve as a healthy reminder of where your marriage was & how you want it to never go back there.

You will find yourself not enjoying the things you used to & snapping at people (like your kids). None of this is their fault! Here is the crazy part: I found that the only person I wanted to spend time with was my spouse. How can this be? I figured that is God’s grace sending the Holy Spirit to begin to heal you and the marriage. Run with it!

We started marriage counseling immediately & found a list of Catholic counselors. If both of you approach with an open mind, we found it very beneficial if not rewarding. We made a point to stop & eat afterward, sort of a mini-date night. Speaking of date-night, we now have one every week, non-negotiable. We were not doing that previously due to demands of three jobs and four kids. You must find the time to get re-aquatinted. It has actually been fun “dating” again after 23 years!

Prayer: Constantly! We never prayed together, we do now. It is incredibly powerful to pray for each other and for the marriage, for healing, etc. We spent a lot of time at the Adoration Chapel at my wife’s request. Previously, we NEVER went. It initially was a great place to talk & pray in the presence of Christ; it has now become a place where we go to study books on marriage, scripture, etc., a nice quiet place to get your mind around the chaos that has entered your life without the children or any other distractions.

I have been blessed in that my wife has done everything I have asked of her & then some to rebuild & show that she is truly sorry. She has come into the Church, received the sacraments, gone to counselling, marriage encounter, etc. There are days when Satan tells me to walk. How can I possibly do that? This is a test of you r faith. Perhaps God is using this to bring your spouse into a true relationship with Christ? When you feel these thoughts (previous poster was correct in that they come straight from Hell) I found a Hail Mary worked wonders. Speaking of Mary, I now have a true relationship with her whereas before I did not. She has been by my side from day one, ask her to be by yours as well. One of the “good” things to come out of this is that I always wanted a relationship with our Blessed Mother but did not know how to go about obtaining it.

You must trust your faith & not your feelings. I can assure you this is not easy & CAN NOT be accomplished without Christ’s help. The evil one wants you to flee from your marriage; fight or flight. I pray that you will fight. I know that you believe your vows are forever, better or worse. This is that “worse” part. You are being purified by humiliation. Another excellent book I read was “Joseph’s Way”. He contends that only after we are purified in this way are we capable of loving in a Christ-like manner. You will then be able to experience divine insights as to God’s plan. As I look back over the last three months since my wife revealed her affair, I realize that both I and my wife are now much better people, much better spouses, and more importantly, much better disciples of Christ.

I realize that I too was not perfect. I was guilty of the sins of pride, lack of humility, lust. I was not spiritually mature enough to love my wife properly. Trust me but for a man to admit these things is hard! Even though my lust was directed toward my wife, it was still improper at best, sinful at worse. We took each other for granted not because we don’t like each other but we let the business of life and children SLOWLY drift us apart. Never again!!! We are know finely in tune with each other & God’s plan for marriage. Unfortunately, he had to smack us both upside the head with a bat to get our attention but we now “get it”. I am thankful that God has given my wife and I a second chance to repair our marriage before it was too late and I believe he is doing the same for you.

May God be with you, your spouse, and your marriage. I will continue to pray for you. If you have not already done so, read some of HomeMakerMommie’s posts on my thread. She went through the worst and their marriage is stronger than ever. It can be done but it requires everything you have to do so.

Your Brother in Christ,

HollowGhost
 
Thank you Hollowghost! I read your thread and feel much empathy for you. I think of you often and you are in my prayers. You walked your journey with much strength and that is in return giving me strength. I cannot believe how much is similar! I cannot believe how many other people share similar stories! A big thing for me, even before the last disclosure, was the fact that I wasn’t about to give my marriage up to the devil! He is very sneaky and every time my husband and I make head-way, he comes back tempting me even stronger than before. I have learned to “let go and let God”. This is something I always desired in my life. I share your appreciation for the blessings we are receiving through our improved relationships with The Almighty. I too am developing a much desired, previously out of grasp, relationship with the beloved Mary. God works in mysterious ways. Your words and advice are very kind and wise. Thank you. Everything you recommended has been our source of healing. I wanted to let you know, a reflection at church tonight was about God wanting us broken and humiliated so that we would NEED Him and “come” to Him so that He could do some of His most glorious works with us. Amazing! He is glorious! His perfect plan is being revealed in front of our very eyes! Albeit, I sure wish my husband’s betrayal was not the catalyst for change:( Very, very painful. I will pray for your Dad. I lost a six year old son and you are very correct to say betrayal is so much more painful. I know my little man is smiling happily with Jesus and is safe so I don’t worry about him. God is holding him now. Images of my husband betraying what I held so sacred is scarring and a deeper sharper pain. Yes, we have to trust God. Apparently knocking us over the head was the only way to make us wake up. Thank you so much again. Blessings
 
Hi Dreamisover,

I sent you a private message (well, in two parts) but I can;t send the 2nd part yet - apparently, it’s saying your mailbox is full. But I will send you the continuation shortly. God bless you and your family.
 
Dreamisover said:
Thank you Hollowghost! I read your thread and feel much empathy for you. I think of you often and you are in my prayers. You walked your journey with much strength and that is in return giving me strength. I cannot believe how much is similar! I cannot believe how many other people share similar stories! A big thing for me, even before the last disclosure, was the fact that I wasn’t about to give my marriage up to the devil! He is very sneaky and every time my husband and I make head-way, he comes back tempting me even stronger than before. I have learned to “let go and let God”. This is something I always desired in my life. I share your appreciation for the blessings we are receiving through our improved relationships with The Almighty. I too am developing a much desired, previously out of grasp, relationship with the beloved Mary. God works in mysterious ways. Your words and advice are very kind and wise. Thank you. Everything you recommended has been our source of healing. I wanted to let you know, a reflection at church tonight was about God wanting us broken and humiliated so that we would NEED Him and “come” to Him so that He could do some of His most glorious works with us. Amazing! He is glorious! His perfect plan is being revealed in front of our very eyes! Albeit, I sure wish my husband’s betrayal was not the catalyst for change:( Very, very painful. I will pray for your Dad. I lost a six year old son and you are very correct to say betrayal is so much more painful. I know my little man is smiling happily with Jesus and is safe so I don’t worry about him. God is holding him now. Images of my husband betraying what I held so sacred is scarring and a deeper sharper pain. Yes, we have to trust God. Apparently knocking us over the head was the only way to make us wake up. Thank you so much again. Blessings
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Dear Dreamisover,

I have one more thing that I want to share with you and that is the importance of setting a goal at this point. Early on, for some reason my wife and I discussed renewing of our vows as a goal. I never imagined that this would be both as Catholics and in a Catholic Church. Through pre-Cana classes, we have learned that our previous marriage in the Protestant church was not the Sacrament of marriage in the Catholic Church! We are about to re-commit to each other and God as Sacrament and that single thought has helped me fight off the devil because I know that he does not want this. Make no doubt but spiritual warfare is VERY REAL and I suspect you have become acutely aware of that fact. Anyways, very early on I bought a picture frame with the phrase “Life is not about the breaths you take but about the moments that take your breath away.”

Sounds cheesy but at the time I bought it (a week or two into my personal hell on earth) I could only dream of ever feeling joy, happiness, or any reason to put a photo in that frame ever again but felt compelled to buy it. About a month ago when my wife came into the Church and we set a date to renew our vows (in our case have the marriage blessed as well), I showed that frame to her. It kind of became a joint goal to put the photo of that moment in that frame. I have hired a photographer and IMHO that photo will be the single most important, meaningful, hard-fought, and beautiful picture either of us will have ever taken. To anyone other than us it will be just a nice photo, however, known only to us and God that photo will represent proof of the fact that love conquers all and that you can do all things through Christ who strengthens you.

I don’t think you said whether or not your husband is Catholic or not and not sure if any of this helps but I hope it does. On a slightly funny note, one night we were sitting by a fire outside getting reacquainted. After 23 years of marriage, you don’t ask these types of questions but for some reason we started talking about goals. When I asked her what her goal was in 6 months, she said “to be married!” I kidded her and asked to who! I asked the same for one year and her reply was the same. I can assure you that I made note of that day and on the six month anniversary I will surprise her with something special.

The point is that you will smile, laugh, and experience joy again. You will still have thoughts that come straight from hell as well. Cherish the moments of humor and little victories. As you gain divine insight into the miracle unfolding in your life you will be able to see these little signs as being from God. I have seen things in the last few months that would blow your mind. I was too spiritually immature to see them in the past but I beleive through the Holy Spirit, the intercession of Mary, and most importantly through the power of Christ, God will provide you little signs to encourage you and show you that you are indeed on the right path. God will smile down upon your marriage if you continue to stay in faith and fight the evil one. I have personally seen it and pray you will as well.

Lastly, through pre-Cana counselling I have learned my new absolute favorite word: Indissoluble. This is what our beautiful faith teaches. You were joined by God and NOTHING other than death can change that. Society has cheapened marriage, commitment, and our vows. Society teaches us that it is all about “me” and that it is OK to cut and run; no it is not! Fight on Dear Sister of Christ because in the eyes of the Church your marriage is INDISSOLUBLE!!!

Praying for you to fight the good fight,

HollowGhost
 
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