Marital Classes/ Marriage After 2 Months

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Stacy_Mtz

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Hello!

My fiancé proposed on our fifth date. Over these dates we had plenty of time to discuss different topics, talk about ourselves, and what we wanted in the future. The proposal was extremely surprising! I did not expect it all! Mostly because when he spoke of his plans, he said he wanted to finish school and get a start on his career before even thinking of getting into a serious relationship. Now, all of a sudden he was proposing? I did not say yes right away, we discussed the topic for several days. After the discussion ( Which included the all of a sudden change of mind:thumbsup: ), I agreed to the engagement.

We are both in our early twenties, and a lot of people say that we should slow things down. Not many of my friends think positively of my engagement because my fiancé and I have only been together for two months now, but both of our parents are supportive of our decision. He is a good guy, very understanding, and he encourages me to do and be my best.

We have decide to enroll into a marital class at my parish, but we are both very nervous. What should we expect? 🤷
 
Most engaged encounter classes take place at the 6 month mark, at least.
So, I would expect, that the priest will have many hard questions.
You will most likely become very discouraged. Please try to understand everyone’s concern. People just want the best for you. If you two are going to have a happy marriage, there is no rush. He will wait, and you certainly are able to wait. Likely your counselor will ask you to give it more time.
Pray to St. Anne and Our Lady to help you discern a good course of action.
It’s wonderful that you have fund a good guy, very compatible.
But if he’s all that … he’ll not push you into engagement.
 
Stacy_Mtz said:
Hello!

My fiancé proposed on our fifth date. Over these dates we had plenty of time to discuss different topics, talk about ourselves, and what we wanted in the future. The proposal was extremely surprising! I did not expect it all! Mostly because when he spoke of his plans, he said he wanted to finish school and get a start on his career before even thinking of getting into a serious relationship. Now, all of a sudden he was proposing? I did not say yes right away, we discussed the topic for several days. After the discussion ( Which included the all of a sudden change of mind:thumbsup: ), I agreed to the engagement.

We are both in our early twenties, and a lot of people say that we should slow things down. Not many of my friends think positively of my engagement because my fiancé and I have only been together for two months now, but both of our parents are supportive of our decision. He is a good guy, very understanding, and he encourages me to do and be my best.

We have decide to enroll into a marital class at my parish, but we are both very nervous. What should we expect? 🤷
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This is kinda fast.

Bear in mind that (while this may not be true of your fiance in particular) a super fast courtship is often typical of narcissists and abusers. They want to wrap up the courtship real quick so they can relax and be themselves.

lisaescott.com/forum/2011/08/04/why-do-narcissists-marry-so-quickly-during-luring-phase

Why don’t you guys just date for another half year and get to know each other?

(We married pretty fast (well within a year), but had spent a considerable amount of time together before engagement. So I feel a little hypocritical telling young people to slow down, but knowing all the other people who have suffered from excessive speed, I do have to suggest a slower, more scenic route. That’s the best advice I can give now, knowing what I know now.)
 
That is really fast. Personally, I don’t think that a proposal should ever be a surprise- and that ideally it should be after you’ve both already discerned marriage with one another. Your friends’ concern is not surprising- I would have the same concerns.

But, you will have an opportunity to learn more about each other over your engagement. As for what you should expect, it varies by parish. Our preparation consisted of a couple of meetings with the priest, an Engaged Encounter day, and a couple of meetings with an “advisor” couple who administered the FOCCUS inventory. I think you should probably expect to find out some things about each other that might surprise and even upset you, if the program is run well. However, a lot of marriage preparation programs are not necessarily as comprehensive as they could be, so I’d encourage you to really take time to talk about everything you can imagine on your own time. There are good books out there that can guide you with the kinds of questions you should be answering with each other, about marriage views in general, habits, finances, living arrangements, jobs, children, expectations about cleanliness, how to handle families of origin, and on and on.

Also, if he has not started a career yet (have you?) something very important to talk about is how you will support yourselves and a potential child without a steady income, if you marry before that happens. What will you do about health insurance, where will you live, how will you pay for food and rent, utilities, gas for the car, whether you have any student loans or not, and so on.
 
If the pleas from your friends and family don’t prompt you to slow down, I doubt that the pleas of online strangers will either.

But…look at it from this angle. You guys have the ENTIRE REST OF YOUR LIVES to be married, and you’re only in your 20’s. With modern medical advances and all of the advances that are sure to be made in your lifetime, you have every reason to believe that you will live well into your 100’s. You are likely looking at 80-100 YEARS of marriage.

You will never have this time back. You only get to date, get to know, fall in love with, and wonder about the future with your husband once. Dating, in addition to allowing you to get to know your partner, provides you with some incredible memories-from the awkward first kisses, to the first times you have truly deep conversations, to the blissful anxiety of “Is he really the one? Am I really going to be with him forever?” and eventually the “Is tonight the night he’ll propose?”. The disappointment that happens when a date ends, and the excitement that leads up to a date, sometimes days in advance, is a very intense roller coaster. Getting to impress and surprise someone that you are so impressed and surprised by is so much fun, and so easy to do when you’re infatuated and getting to know more about the person every day. The feeling each time a new step is taken (the first kiss, the first conversation about marriage, the first time he joins in a family holiday) is almost indescribable. In short, it’s just something you have to go through to understand.

You only get the chance to experience your husband in that way once. It’s exhilarating, scary, stressful, euphoric, and kind of peaceful, all at once. My husband and I stretched this phase out about as much as you can before becoming serious (about 6 months), and it still went by way too fast. Many of the best memories of my life come from that time. Now don’t get me wrong, I knew early that he was the one. But I just didn’t want to be cheated out of a youthful love story. In the end, I’m glad I wasn’t. (And even after becoming serious, we took a long time to move in together and get engaged. A newly serious relationship is also a unique phase worth enjoying.)

You will regret it if you give up these experiences. It’s a very special time.
 
One important suggestion is to go into pre-marriage counseling with a. GOOD counselor AND with the honest intention of calling off or postponing the wedding if things aren’t right.

Ask yourself: what is the rush? Who is this man? Who am I? What am I running from? Or running to?

Let yourself doubt or question. It is not a sign of betrayal to question your future spouse honestly and openly. It is a sign of maturity and love to ask the hard questions and face the answers.
 
This sets off alarms for me. Look into his criminal record, is he a legal citizen? Does he carry debt?
 
Stacy Mtz, your post raises so many red flags that it’s easy to see why your friends are concerned.

You say your families are supportive but that’s not too significant, in part because we know so little about them. Have you met his family? Has he met yours? Are your families similar, i.e., similar backgrounds, expectations, etc.? I echo the sentiments of those who say this is way way too fast.
 
Neither of us have a criminal background, we have no debt, yes he is legal, and at the moment he is the manager of a hotel. The job he has now is just a job though he does not want to always be a hotel manager. Plus he just got hired with a produce company to be a sales representative, and that really big! My dad has his own business and my mom just started her own. My plans are to help my mom out as much as possible. So at the moment we are financially stable.

We have both met each others family and friends. Our backgrounds are similar, but not the same. His family and friends are 100% supportive and so is my family. Its just some of my friends who aren’t supportive.

Our plan is not to get married right away. We want to wait until we are both out of school, so that gives us more or less two years. I want to take these marital class for some guidance in all this. He didn’t want to go through the boyfriend girlfriend stage because he says that now days no one takes that seriously. Everyone is cheating on one another and just messing around. I feel the same. In the little time I’ve had with him, our relationship has been more real than any my past relationships. My last relationship lasted two years, and that’s why I completely understand him when he says a lot of people don’t take being boyfriend and girlfriend seriously. I took it seriously, but I didn’t get much in return (from my past relationship).

My fiancé isn’t pushing me into this, we have both agreed to this, and we like the arrangement we have.

Thank you all so much for the advice, and for giving me an insight to what these marital classes will be like.🙂
 
It seems to me that people use the term “engagement” rather flippantly these days. It really describes different scenarios for different people. For some, it means “we-have-set-a-wedding-date-at-the-parish-and-are-in-the-process-of-booking-a-photographer-and-DJ”. To others, it means “we-are-discerning-marriage-with-relative-certainly-but-we-haven’t-ordered-the-invites-yet”. For others, it doesn’t seem like it means any more then “dating-exclusively” or “roommates-with-benefits-until-further-notice”. I don’t really thing two months is extremely early to be dating exclusively and discerning marriage. It really is too early, in my opinion, to be buying a house together or planning a wedding Mass. An engagement encounter is probably a good idea, but I’ve never been on one so I don’t know what exactly is done. I think the best course of action is to leave yourself a year or so to simply spend time together. Go on picnics. Go to Mass. Go bowling. Go to the zoo. Go Christmas shopping. Get to know one another and create a common history before you make too many plans.
 
Stacy_Mtz said:
Our plan is not to get married right away. We want to wait until we are both out of school, so that gives us more or less two years. I want to take these marital class for some guidance in all this. He didn’t want to go through the boyfriend girlfriend stage because he says that now days no one takes that seriously. Everyone is cheating on one another and just messing around.

**Eh, I really don’t like the sound of that.

Why don’t you guys try discernment instead? Date seriously, to figure each other out, then get engaged. It’s backward to get engaged and then discern.

peterkreeft.com/topics/discernment.htm**

You can always have a shorter engagement if you have a longer discernment.
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Allegra said:
It seems to me that people use the term “engagement” rather flippantly these days. It really describes different scenarios for different people. For some, it means “we-have-set-a-wedding-date-at-the-parish-and-are-in-the-process-of-booking-a-photographer-and-DJ”. To others, it means “we-are-discerning-marriage-with-relative-certainly-but-we-haven’t-ordered-the-invites-yet”. For others, it doesn’t seem like it means any more then “dating-exclusively” or “roommates-with-benefits-until-further-notice”. I don’t really thing two months is extremely early to be dating exclusively and discerning marriage. It really is too early, in my opinion, to be buying a house together or planning a wedding Mass. An engagement encounter is probably a good idea, but I’ve never been on one so I don’t know what exactly is done. I think the best course of action is to leave yourself a year or so to simply spend time together. Go on picnics. Go to Mass. Go bowling. Go to the zoo. Go Christmas shopping. Get to know one another and create a common history before you make too many plans.
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Yes. This^^^^.
You say he isn’t pushing…are you the driving force behind this? And why?
Take your time. A lifetime together is a long time…If he loves you, he’ll totally understand. If it’s a deal -breaker for him or you? Then it’s better get that out now.
Easy to have a wedding. Much harder to have a good marriage.
 
DH proposed 2 weeks after we met. I was 19, he was 23.

It was mid-October and his question was, “Would you like a diamond for Christmas?” My reply, “I’ll marry you but I don’t like jewelry.”

We didn’t mention it to anyone and the official engagement (yes, with a ring that lives in a box) happened 8 months later, just before he left for basic training and I went off to nursing school. We didn’t marry for 3 years after the proposal and were apart for 2 of those years. This year we celebrate 39th wedding anniversary and our children turned 35, 32 & 30.
 
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