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floresco
Guest
I am part of a loving marriage that has lasted over 30 years. I don’t have any problem with the term, although I do not see the implications that you do.
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floresco
Guest
Both my spouse and I have been in the position of having sex for the sake of the other. In my experience, this has been a loving and positive thing. What is wrong with mercy?
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EasterJoy
Guest
Well, yes, the ideal is to arrange for a time when you’re both in the mood, but sometimes the stars do not so align. Besides, if he’s engaging in intimacy with you not in response to his own desire, but because he is interested in pleasing you and showing you that he loves you, that is not “mercy sex”. If he makes it clear that he’s not in the mood but is just giving in because he has to, that lacks generosity. Half-hearted self-gift is not much of a gift.
M
MaryHelene
Guest
Nothing, if that works for you. My husband would not want to have sex with me unless I was “into it.” We’ve talked about it before, and he’d rather just wait for a time when we were both eager. Neither of us are turned on by having sex with an unenthusiastic partner, or one who is faking enthusiasm.
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EasterJoy
Guest
When that time hasn’t come for a year or two, he might decide to ask you if perhaps you could “work yourself into a certain enthusiasm” (to steal a line by Shirley McLaine, in Alfred Hitchcock’s “The Trouble With Harry”, 1955)
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floresco
Guest
I am turned on by a generous partner who is willing to put my needs first. And it is not unusual for enthusiasm to develop in the course of events.
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MaryHelene
Guest
Oh, Lord! I’m talking hours or days here, not years
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Castello
Guest
If your spouse will be likely to sin (masturbate, commit adultery) and you do not have a serious reason to avoid, you are bound to render the debt.
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_Jenn
Guest
Oh my, who is talking years? Days, maybe a week at most. Nothing hard to deal with for anybody I know.
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_Jenn
Guest
It’s not a default decision. There are times when the one not in the mood will say “ok, I’m not in the mood, but I love you, so ok.” More often than not, however, the spouse in the mood, as I said, doesn’t always pursue it out of respect. Therefore, we are mutually respecting one another, as it should be in marriage.
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Bookcat
Guest
The “default” is that there is a right to marital relations exchanged with the consent of marriage. The “debitum” is a reality of marriage.
Now can a spouse out of consideration of the other say “ok” and wait til another time…sure (aside from near occasion of mortal sin).
It is a mutual reality that one has (past tense) already given the marital right at the time of consent.
And in the normal lives of good Christians --often I am sure many overcome their tiredness…and many others decide to wait til their spouse is having a better day.
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EasterJoy
Guest
You’re talking about an average marriage, in which sex takes place roughly 70 times over the course of a year. IOW, most couples do not define the marriage debt as payable more than once or twice or three times a week.
Roughly a third of American women and a fifth of American men, however, suffer from a persistent or recurring deficiency or absence of sexual fantasies or thoughts, or a lack of interest in sex or being sexual. Depending on whose statistics you cite, *15 to 20 percent *of couples have sex between zero and 10 times a year, which is defined as a “sexless marriage”. Among these, sometimes it literally has been a year or even many years since the couple has had sexual relations.
You did see the choices in the poll, right? (I mean the thread “What to do when Marriage intimacy fades away”)
What is suggested to do in a marriage when intamacy fades away?
Keep quiet and stay married.
Find way to do without intimacy.
To quote from his original post: “…She feels intamcy is a chore that she cant handle. She still loves me, but feels intamcy in no longer a priority. So its not there. I dont feel we can do this for the rest of our lives…”
That poor man is not getting any sex.
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Pfaffenhoffen
Guest
Oh!oh! Didnt know that!I agree – it’s a pretty callous way to approach it.
However, I disagree with the “tendency to the male side” part. Read Aquinas – he explicitly talks about wives and their ability to call for satisfaction of the marital debt…
Great Aquinas !!!
And we thought on Medieval men as strongly built !
R
RedeemedandGlad
Guest
I’ve been married 28 years and have always been on the wants more side. We have been in the 12 to 20 times a year category but it’s slipping downward. I do not “demanded the debt” be paid and have accepted “i don’t feel like it” 100s of times. We did not sleep together on our honeymoon because my wife feared getting pregnant. I think she fears a loss of control. My wife is one of those women who doesn’t enjoy sex very frequently. She claims most women feel this way. I can’t remember ever having sex more than two nights in a row. We once went a year and she seemed ok with it. I have always held out hope that she would see sex as a wonderful and honorable act but now that I am 50 I am losing hope. Looking back I am heartbroken. Was it my fault? I beat myself up over that… My wife says she loves me but sex just doesn’t do anything for her. She gets annoyed/ upset when I bring it up. I do not know what to confess but feel this whole issue is consuming me. I do not think my wife is willing to change. I do not think she can. If I bring up Cor. 7 she will then be culpable and miserable. She is quite content with things as they are. I have tried giving her way but am attacked with erotic fantasies/ dreams that put my life in turmoil. I am struggling with resentment, confusion, depression–even suicidal thoughts sometimes. I vacillate between anger over being robbed and depression at the thought my wife does not accept/ love who I am. How do I know if I should say I am sorry or I have been wronged? No matter what the reality of what is right, I have begged God to rid me of this torment. Please pray for me to do what pleases God.
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floresco
Guest
I am sorry that you are in such a difficult situation. I am praying for you.
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