Marital Despair

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4myfamily

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I could really use some prayers and sound advice. I’m a married, Roman Catholic man with two children, one toddler and one in grammer school. I’ve been married less than 5 years but my marriage is in serious trouble. Before anything I should qualify this post by saying the following is representative of my marriage about 70% of the time. The rest is as follows:

My wife, who I love very much, and I were married in the Church with the intent on raising our family with a Catholic upbringing full of love. Somehow things have gone really wrong since. Since I’m not a great writer, I’ll just lay it out. My wife is perpetually in a “foul” mood and is consistantly disrespectful toward me, especially in front of our children. She rarely gives any love and affection to me or our older child. I would go as far as to say that anything she does that may seem good is only because she gets some pleasure from it herself (cooking good meals, etc.). I’ve never really known her to sacrifice for me or our family. She also does whatever she can to make reasons for us not to visit extended family members (both sides of parents, siblings, grandparents, etc.), and they all live within 15 miles. If I try to go myself or with my children, she’ll throw a huge fit in front of our kids, which I don’t want to happen, so I usually cave in. I realize I need to put my foot down more, but I’ve been picking my battles, because when I do put my foot down, she throws a huge fit in front of our children, so much so that it is usually traumatizing to them. When this happens, she gets so angry that she’ll do almost anything to hurt me, even if it means emotionally hurting our children. She is extremely vindictive.

Don’t get me wrong, I realize this is only my side of the story, and I’m definitely not perfect. As a matter of fact I can be a pretty big jerk at times. And I’ve been finding myself being more of a jerk lately because of my building resentment. Sometimes I sit and wonder why I ever got married. But I can say that I’ve been trying my utmost to make her happy and sacrifice for our children. I realize it’s my job to do this as a husband and parent, and I’m doing it as best as I can. But it seems as if I can’t do anything right. I’m the sole provider for money in our family, and I’m also constantly worrying about making ends meet. My wife doesn’t seem to care much about that either. We are always fighting about money as well.

I’ve asked her to go with me to family or marriage counseling, but she refuses. She says that she doesn’t believe in psycology or getting anyone else involved, yet when she gets angry enough she’ll make references to getting divorced or that I ruined her life.

I know made vows to her in the Church in front of God, but if it weren’t for my children I think I would leave. As a matter of fact, I often catch myself fantasizing about leaving her when my youngest child turns 18. Let me also say that when I say “leave”, I don’t mean divorce to remarry. I believe in the Church’s teaching on marriage and divorce. What can I do? What does the Church say about this type of situation? I’m willing to do anything for my marriage and family, but if she’s not willing then I don’t see that I have any choice left. Right now I intend to stick it out because I don’t intend on subjecting my children to a broken home.

I know this is very long winded and it’s just my side of the story, but I’d appreciate any good advice out there, especially Catholic based advice. Remember, I’m not a perfect person and have many flaws as well. I’m no better than many people, especially my wife. I just want to make things better.

God Bless.
 
May our Lord bless you. I don’t have any advice to offer you, really, I just want you to know I’ll keep you in my prayers this evening when I go to Mass. Have you spoken about this with a priest? If not, I recommend doing so.
 
Have you considered meeting with a priest and possibly counseling just to help you get through this? If your wife won’t get help, there’s no reason for you not to. 👍
 
My husband and I have been married for almost 15 years. We have 3 children. Divorce is not an option because we were married in the Church, and there is no way to annul because our marriage is valid in every way.

We’ve been through some very difficult times. Mostly because of communication issues and our subsequent reactions to them.

We are going to start marriage counseling with an EO woman next week. It took us some time to find someone nearby who we trusted enough to take us on. 😉

If either one of us were unwilling to seek counseling, the other would go to the Priest and perhaps seek counseling without the other.

That is my advice to you. Talk to your priest… get help for yourself. PRAY for your wife. Offer up your own suffering to Our Lord.

I will add you to my prayers. Please know that I do not type that lightly… I make sure I pray when I tell someone I will. Some forget, but I have counted on others’ prayers enough to know how much they are appreciated.

Now go and call your Priest! 👍

in Christ
Steph
 
I agree with the advice to seek counseling on your own, even if your wife will not go.

You said this describes your marriage 70% of the time. What is the rest of the time like? How long has it been this way? (Was she like this before you married? Before kids?) Was you wife raised Catholic? Do you see some reason for the estrangement with extended family? Is she affectionate with the youngest child? Has she always lacked affection towards you and/or the older child?

Sorry for all the questions – but I’ve found that asking the questions often helps people come to some conclusions on their own and/or find some more advice!

I will keep your family in my prayers.
 
Thank you so much for all of your responses so far. I will seek out a good priest and go for counseling by myself if my wife continues to reject the idea. I’ll ask her one more time.

Tundramom, your response especially means a lot to me. I will do what you are recommendending, especially with prayer and offering up suffering to the Lord. By the way, what does EO stand for?

Nova147, to answer your questions:

You said this describes your marriage 70% of the time. What is the rest of the time like? How long has it been this way? (Was she like this before you married? Before kids?) Was you wife raised Catholic? Do you see some reason for the estrangement with extended family? Is she affectionate with the youngest child? Has she always lacked affection towards you and/or the older child?
  1. The rest of the marriage is decent to tolerable. We share many of the same interests and for the most part get along ok. We even joke with and are playful with each other when we’re not fighting. For the most part we share the same values.
  2. Shame on me but she was like this before we married. I saw the signs but went ahead anyway. The bad things just exposed themselves more after the wedding.
  3. The only reason I see about the estrangment is that she says I put my extended family before her. Not true, but if that’s her view then there’s obviously a problem I need to address. But I wouldn’t call it a complete estrangement because she won’t admit that and once in a while we visit/see family members. Just not most of the time. We don’t participate in holidays, get togethers, parties, etc.
  4. My wife was raised in a disfunctional, broken home. They were Catholic by name only.
  5. She is affectionate with the youngest. She was affectionate with me while dating. She was affectionate with the oldest until just before the youngest arrived.
 
Your wife has some serious mental problems.

I would suggest you talk to your priest even if she won’t. And, if she becomes increasingly psychologically abusive to your older child and/or younger child-- you should consider legal remedies. Staying together “for the sake of the kids” is a bad idea when the parent is abusive to the kids. Discuss it with your priest.
 
If I had to guess there is some issues with abandonment from her past, of some sort and she really just needs some counseling herself. She may well be suffering from depression.

(This is not medical advice this is just an observation)

God bless.

Dana
 
1ke said:
Your wife has some serious mental problems.
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I agree with this assessment, which is part of the reason I asked some of the questions I did. Your wife’s upbringing likely contributed to some of her behavioral/emotional problems. It sounds as though she is not at a place where you can bring this up to her, which is unfortunate.

Don’t blame yourself for marrying her, even if you had some inkling of the problem. All of us see the good more than the bad in the early months and years of a relationship. And living with a person does change your perspective on the seriousness of their problems.

I hope meeting with a priest will help you and that your wife is able to see the need to go as well. I will pray that the Spirit softens her heart.

I will continue to keep your family in my prayers.
 
except for the coldness toward your child, your wife sounds like my sister when she got married.

my brother in law stuck it out, prayed like crazy, tried every counseling etc, my sis tried some meds. i don’t know what combination is working, but these past coupla years (out of 18 years of marriage) things have improved a lot. my sister even seems happy.

more specific still, your wife sounds like me when i first got married. intimacy issues? yeah. when my husband was gentle, i thought it was weakness. when my husband was reactive, he confirmed my worst suspicions. he was a jerk.

i was terrible to him. the poor guy couldn’t win for losing. there were no right answers for him.

here’s my advice to you:

*shower affection on both your children. affection, not sympathy.
don’t undermine mom in front of kids. instead, if an unjust measure comes down from her say in private: “I’d like to talk about this and understnad your reasons better.”

*every day do a specific act of kindness for your wife. look her in the eye and say, "me and the kids will clean up after dinner. you take a break.’’ or “I brought this decorating magazine home for you because the room on the cover reminds me of you.” Even if she responds badly, “That room? It’s hideous!” you respond with, “Oh. OK.”

*why do you respond with “OH, OK”? because you will stop putting your wife’s moods in charge of your success-o-meter. you’ve given her power she can’t handle, power she’s abusing. take it back because it’s best for your whole family. your success is measured in ONE THING: your examination of conscience with the help of the Holy Spirit: were you kind? unselfish? work hard? good steward? chaste? etc?

the terrible fact of our lives was this: i didn’t start to care what i was doing to my husband till he started to not care about my reactions, my meltdowns etc.

all of a sudden, i’m having a hissy fit and i’m all alone. he’s not paying attention.
  • storm the gates of heaven for your wife. make a prayer commitment and do it. things will get worse because the devil wants you to stop praying for her. he will try to quadruple your resentments. don’t let him win.
whatever your prayer commitments-- eucharistic novenas, rosaries, chaplets of divine mercy etc. just get on your knees and storm the gates of heaven for your wife’s recovery.

the ccc and cannon law says that separation and even civil divorce is allowable if living with the spouse is dangerous or makes living a terrible burden. (somebody else can quote it chapter in verse-- not me tonight.) if you are doing ALL THIS and she is hurting your children, (be careful to get objective help assessing this) then ask her to leave.

but you got a whole lotta praying to do, first.
 
Ask your wife to join you in a simple prayer of thanks and praise to God every night. Let God partner with you as a couple.
 
4myfamily said:
Tundramom, your response especially means a lot to me. I will do what you are recommendending, especially with prayer and offering up suffering to the Lord. By the way, what does EO stand for?
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EO - Eastern Orthodox. Sorry for any confusion! I just didn’t want a secular counselor. I wanted someone who would understand both the “practical” human side and what my Faith means to me. I did not want just any yay-hoo talking mumbo jumbo psycho babble without understanding where I am coming from spiritually.

Also, some have said things about your wife needing therapy. That may be true, but here’s a little bit more from our story for you and I hope it helps you understand.

My DH married me knowing that I came from an extremely dysfunctional, Mormon family. To everyone on the outside, it looks to them that it is only ME who is the problem. If Steph would just get help then this fabulous, righteous, gentleman could get on with his life and if she’d only BE what a good Catholic woman should be then… blah blah blah

In truth? He’s as messed up as I am. Different messes, but we’ve both retreated into the “sane one–hero–superrighteousness-do the right thing- man” and "oh my look at her…if only she’d (insert pity here)

No one else is married to either one of us and no one else can pull either one of us out of this. We have to do it, with God’s Grace.

I’ll bet some of that rings true for you as well?

Still praying and now the righteous dude (aka DH) is as well as the kidlets. 👍

in Christ
Steph
 
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