Marital disagreement

[prolifeteenager]

Hello friends,
I am currently a young stay at home wife (no kids). I do not have a degree even though I have been in college for several years without being able to earn a degree. I took a break from school because I felt like I didn’t have a clear goal. I kept switching my major etc. I also have been battling health problems since my teens (I’m now in my mid 20s). When I got married my husband knew what he was doing in marrying me. Though I think he thought I would somehow be cured if I tried hard enough. Now, that Im still unwell, I can tell that it weighs on him. I can tell that he wants me to work. I am plagued with guilt because of the circumstances. My husband is very patient and understanding but it kills me knowing he rather me have a job. I feel like I am failing him as a wife. I try my best to keep up with the house but I never feel like I am doing enough. His family and friends seems to ask me regularly when will I get a job, though I don’t say since I keep my health struggles private. I don’t know how to view this situation. I want to make my husband happy but what I can give him doesn’t seem to be enough.

 

[kptrs]

Hello friends,
I am currently a young stay at home wife (no kids). I do not have a degree even though I have been in college for several years without being able to earn a degree. I took a break from school because I felt like I didn’t have a clear goal. I kept switching my major etc. I also have been battling health problems since my teens (I’m now in my mid 20s). When I got married my husband knew what he was doing in marrying me. Though I think he thought I would somehow be cured if I tried hard enough. Now, that Im still unwell, I can tell that it weighs on him. I can tell that he wants me to work. I am plagued with guilt because of the circumstances. My husband is very patient and understanding but it kills me knowing he rather me have a job. I feel like I am failing him as a wife. I try my best to keep up with the house but I never feel like I am doing enough. His family and friends seems to ask me regularly when will I get a job, though I don’t say since I keep my health struggles private. I don’t know how to view this situation. I want to make my husband happy but what I can give him doesn’t seem to be enough.

Has he explicitly told you that your health problems are weighing on him and that he wants you to have a job, or is this something you are assuming?

 

[Catholic1954]

Can you find an easy, part time job? Maybe you could try some baby sitting in your home or a cashier job a couple days a week.

 

[prolifeteenager]

Has he explicitly told you that your health problems are weighing on him and that he wants you to have a job, or is this something you are assuming?

He says it but takes it back so as not to offend me. My health struggles are hard for people to understand because they are mental health Struggles. I wanted to keep that private on the thread but I understand its hard for context purposes to understand my situation without knowing that. I’m not crazy, but my mental health does currently prevent me from holding a job. I have sought treatment in the past and then took a break because it was doing more harm than good. I am looking for treatment again, but knowing myself it is in no way a green light that I will be better. no amount of meds or therapy can heal me. It only reduces the symptoms. I don’t have much hope that meds will help me now if they haven’t helped me in the past.

 

[EnglishTeacher]

Hello friends,
I am currently a young stay at home wife (no kids). I do not have a degree even though I have been in college for several years without being able to earn a degree. I took a break from school because I felt like I didn’t have a clear goal. I kept switching my major etc. I also have been battling health problems since my teens (I’m now in my mid 20s). When I got married my husband knew what he was doing in marrying me. Though I think he thought I would somehow be cured if I tried hard enough. Now, that Im still unwell, I can tell that it weighs on him. I can tell that he wants me to work. I am plagued with guilt because of the circumstances. My husband is very patient and understanding but it kills me knowing he rather me have a job. I feel like I am failing him as a wife. I try my best to keep up with the house but I never feel like I am doing enough. His family and friends seems to ask me regularly when will I get a job, though I don’t say since I keep my health struggles private. I don’t know how to view this situation. I want to make my husband happy but what I can give him doesn’t seem to be enough.

Are you struggling financially, or is it more of the social stigma of not having a job that bothers him and/or you?

 

[bitterhope]

Have you talked with vocational rehab? There may be more options than you currently are able to see. It may be helpful for your mental health to get out of the house and around others. Feeling as if you are contributing to the household financially may also be beneficial.

I am in no way saying that you should be out working. I don’t know your finances. I don’t know why your husband or others feel it is important for you to get a job. I’m just saying that many people with mental health issues and other disabilities are gainfully employed and vocational rehab might help with that. If you currently do not want to work, explain to your husband why that is and let him know he needs to tell his family to back off. Either that or get a small part time job or work from home. Perhaps you can go back to get your degree even.

 

[PaulfromIowa]

OP, you need to find the best psychiatrist that you can, preferably one connected with a teaching medical center. You sound almost as if you have given up on medical help as it has not helped in the past.

What is your plan, if not to have a job? Raise children? That is a hard job also. You say that you are plagued with guilt. Guilt about? Not having a plan? You are hardly the only one of us with that problem. You and your husband need to be a team, on the same side. You should not be feeling afraid, or guilty.

A good psychiatrist will have a care team involved who can help you make a long term plan.

 

[Edmundus1581]

Dear OP, you have received excellent advice here (and you have expressed yourself well!).

Are you struggling financially, or is it more of the social stigma of not having a job that bothers him and/or you?

Talk this over with your husband, if you can. I would add - is it *actual *social stigma, or *perceived *social stigma? When people ask about you getting a job, perhaps it’s just by way of conversation rather than with any intent.

I recommend that if you can’t get a part time job then you commit to something which gets you out of the house occasionally - such as volunteering for cleaning in the church, or shop assistant at a charity store.

I feel for you. I admit that I can’t quite understand your situation, but I hope my advice helps in some way.

OP, you need to find the best psychiatrist that you can, preferably one connected with a teaching medical center. You sound almost as if you have given up on medical help as it has not helped in the past.

What is your plan, if not to have a job? Raise children? That is a hard job also. You say that you are plagued with guilt. Guilt about? Not having a plan? You are hardly the only one of us with that problem. You and your husband need to be a team, on the same side. You should not be feeling afraid, or guilty.

A good psychiatrist will have a care team involved who can help you make a long term plan.

Excellent advice. Keep working on the psychiatric issues, and don’t give up. Your diocese may offer free or low-cost counselling. Look it up on their web site or ask your parish priest.

 

[Xantippe]

Can you find an easy, part time job? Maybe you could try some baby sitting in your home or a cashier job a couple days a week.

I’m not sure home babysitting really qualifies as “easy” unless it’s just big kids after school.

 

[1ke]

I think your husband needs to have a sit-down with your psychiatrist or therapist. He may not really understand your situation or how his projection of expectations on to you negatively impacts your mental health.

He needs to stop, but he may not understand that. He may not understand how harmful it is for him to express these thoughts to you. If he married you expecting you would change or be cured, he needs to have the psychiatrist tell him without sugar coating it what the best and worst case scenarios are.

 

[jaimeleglise]

Praying for you. The work you do as a housewife is a big contribution. I hope your husband realizes this and appreciates it.

I understand what it is like to have both mental and physical disabilities. It is not fun and not everyone understands it. However, depending on your situation, you might be eligible for Social Security Disability.

I applied for SSDI and didn’t think I would get it. I was approved the first time around. I receive money every month because I am unable to work full time like I used to. They also allow me to work part-time to a certain extent. I am contributing those two ways to my household. In addition, I do the housework at my own pace depending on how I am feeling that day.

If you choose this option, you can make an appointment at your local Social Security Office or apply online. They will later send for your medical records with your permission and have an independent non-biased psychiatrist interview you. Then they will decide from there. If you are denied, there is an appeal process.

At any rate, it is important that you see a psychiatrist for your own mental health. You may need counseling/and or medication. The psychiatrist can talk to you about sorting out the communication between you and your husband. Or he might talk to your husband directly and explain to him how serious and limiting mental illness can be. It is not “all in your head.”

A psychiatrist may offer group therapy or support groups so you or you and your husband both can talk about feelings, illness and coping skills. You or you both might want to join the local chapter of NAMI which supports those suffering from mental illness and their families.

God bless you.

 

[Xantippe]

What is your plan, if not to have a job? Raise children? That is a hard job also. lan.

Right.

If you are going to have children, you’re going to need to have your mental health ducks in a row. The early years can be really hard even on women who go into it with cast-iron mental health and really really hard for women who have pre-existing mental health problems.

In fact, it’s not uncommon for mental health problems to become an obstacle to having a larger family or having the mother at home. I know a family in real life where the couple have realized that she has to go to work because she can’t be at home with their little children.

 

[Edmundus1581]

The early years can be really hard even on women who go into it with cast-iron mental health and really really hard for women who have pre-existing mental health problems.

In fact, it’s not uncommon for mental health problems to become an obstacle to having a larger family or having the mother at home. I know a family in real life where the couple have realized that she has to go to work because she can’t be at home with their little children.

I wish I’d known this when myself and my ex-wife had our first child, at nine months into the marriage and with us both quite young. I should have been a lot more supportive .

 

[Magdelenadubh]

Well, I think he knew what package he was getting and he agreeed to it by marrying you, just like you agreed to his…the good with the bad and all that. Your guilt = your feelings. Don’t be so hard on yourself, your health isn.t good so stress is the last thing you need.

 

[acat]

I would consider applying for SSDI (disability) - which would help alleviate any financial concerns. You are still allowed to work on SSDI, but part time, and they also have a Ticket to Work program to help you re-enter the workforce if/when you’re ready.

You are not a failure, you are a person with an illness, and if your husband doesn’t understand that, perhaps he could attend some appointments with you to get a clearer picture of the challenges you face, or you could meet together with a counselor.

There may be ways you can contribute to your household aside from working or cleaning. Maybe you could start couponing or thrift shopping or online bargain hunting to lower your family’s expenses. Maybe you could take up a hobby (sewing or knitting or woodworking or cooking?) that could allow you to create things you guys might need/enjoy. You could take responsibility for planning a weekly date night or an evening scripture reading. Find small, manageable ways to feel more of an active contributor to your household, and it might help you rebuild some confidence, pride, and sense of accomplishment.

 

[angell1]

Right.

If you are going to have children, you’re going to need to have your mental health ducks in a row. The early years can be really hard even on women who go into it with cast-iron mental health and really really hard for women who have pre-existing mental health problems.

In fact, it’s not uncommon for mental health problems to become an obstacle to having a larger family or having the mother at home. I know a family in real life where the couple have realized that she has to go to work because she can’t be at home with their little children.

exactly, and there’s nothing wrong with that. I personally have a hard time being at home 24/7

if you really feel like you can’t work. at least try and find something you can do out of the house once in a while.

it’s very hard to be cooped up all the time

 

[AdamP88]

Hello friends,
I am currently a young stay at home wife (no kids). I do not have a degree even though I have been in college for several years without being able to earn a degree. I took a break from school because I felt like I didn’t have a clear goal. I kept switching my major etc. I also have been battling health problems since my teens (I’m now in my mid 20s). When I got married my husband knew what he was doing in marrying me. Though I think he thought I would somehow be cured if I tried hard enough. Now, that Im still unwell, I can tell that it weighs on him. I can tell that he wants me to work. I am plagued with guilt because of the circumstances. My husband is very patient and understanding but it kills me knowing he rather me have a job. I feel like I am failing him as a wife. I try my best to keep up with the house but I never feel like I am doing enough. His family and friends seems to ask me regularly when will I get a job, though I don’t say since I keep my health struggles private. I don’t know how to view this situation. I want to make my husband happy but what I can give him doesn’t seem to be enough.

What is the nature of the health problems? It would be the norm that a couple without kids both work outside the home. Is there no work you can do with these health issues?

 

[Bridgit_Andrews]

His family and friends seems to ask me regularly when will I get a job, though I don’t say since I keep my health struggles private. (

Your husband needs to tell his family and friends to back off. it isn’t the place of these people to be questioning your marriage.

You need an advocate. Since you have a legitimate disability you need someone to help you though the hard parts since it seems your husband, who should be your number one ally, can’t or won’t. Contact adult social services for help. You may be eligible for a variety of programs that can help you from day-to-day living to a job suited to your disability.

Praying for you.

Peace,
B

 

[EasterJoy]

He says it but takes it back so as not to offend me. My health struggles are hard for people to understand because they are mental health Struggles. I wanted to keep that private on the thread but I understand its hard for context purposes to understand my situation without knowing that. I’m not crazy, but my mental health does currently prevent me from holding a job. I have sought treatment in the past and then took a break because it was doing more harm than good. I am looking for treatment again, but knowing myself it is in no way a green light that I will be better. no amount of meds or therapy can heal me. It only reduces the symptoms. I don’t have much hope that meds will help me now if they haven’t helped me in the past.

Do you currently have a therapist, a counsellor, or a psychiatrist to whom you can say: “I am not content with my current situation. I know a lot of things that *haven’t *worked. What kind of goals can I set and what kind of strategies can I try to reach them at least some of the time? What are the resources out there that may help me some of the time?”

As you know, no one can say, “This is going to work.” You, however, don’t have the luxury of expecting you are going to find a strategy that delivers success most of the time. Your “coaches” can only give you options that may or may not work, and then only some of the time. That means that you’re probably going to have to have a “baseball attitude.”

By that, I mean that unlike a gymnast, who actually needs to aim for something remotely like perfection most of the time in order to be competitive, a baseball player who even gets a hit 4 times in ten is a hero. That’s just getting on base, not scoring a run. Trying and failing is how the game of baseball works most of the time. You get out, you get hit by pitches, if you get on base you probably get stranded there, as a pitcher you throw seven innings of a no-hitter and then BINGO they put one over the fence, and no matter who you are you have to live with the strike zone that the umpire calls and the other calls that are made or not made by someone you can’t control.

Remember that God knows the field you’re playing on. You don’t have to be afraid that trying and failing a lot of the time, even most of the time, makes your accomplishments less worthwhile. No, it makes the work it takes and the support it takes for you to keep getting up and trying that much more of an accomplishment.

Your husband, though, does need to get into the “baseball attitude,” too. The two of you have to chart a course that fits the vessel you are actually in and the waters you are actually sailing, not some other ship on some other river or sea.

 

[prolifeteenager]

I agree with much of the advice being given here but I am hurt but those who think I shouldn’t have children yet. If God blesses us with kids, I trust HE knows what He’s doing. It sounds a bit like eugenics to infer a person shouldn’t have kids unless they are perfectly healthy. I’m not blind to the challenges having children would present me. But, there are a lot of “sane” people who are actually quite insane. Just look to the politically correct public figures these days. THEY are the ones unfit to raise healthy children.

If I may, I would like to keep the remaining details of my situation private. That, however does not mean I am unfit to be a mother. It’s the greatest desire on my heart right now and it’s a punch in the gut to read people’s judgment about that aspect of my life and is why I didn’t want to disclose the nature of my health problems because I realize many people who have not experienced my situation will make unjust judgments. It already hard enough not being able to have kids after almost a year of trying.