Marital disagreement

[Xantippe]

I agree with much of the advice being given here but I am hurt but those who think I shouldn’t have children yet. If God blesses us with kids, I trust HE knows what He’s doing. It sounds a bit like eugenics to infer a person shouldn’t have kids unless they are perfectly healthy. I’m not blind to the challenges having children would present me. But, there are a lot of “sane” people who are actually quite insane. Just look to the politically correct public figures these days. THEY are the ones unfit to raise healthy children.

If I may, I would like to keep the remaining details of my situation private. That, however does not mean I am unfit to be a mother. It’s the greatest desire on my heart right now and it’s a punch in the gut to read people’s judgment about that aspect of my life and is why I didn’t want to disclose the nature of my health problems because I realize many people who have not experienced my situation will make unjust judgments. It already hard enough not being able to have kids after almost a year of trying.

It’s not being mean, it’s just a fact–if you are mentally ill to such an extent that you can’t manage to work any kind of paying job, it’s not clear how you’re going to cope with long hours caring for your own children by yourself.

With a job, you can just walk out any time you please and then find another job when it suits you–which is something you just can’t do as an SAHM.

I’m not saying you are unfit to be a mother, but you need to think and think hard about the interactions between your mental health issues and the likely demands on your psyche as a young mother. I would suggest you start having a good hard look on any one of dozens of threads on the subject on CAF. Pretty much any mental health issue is exacerbated by new motherhood.

That’s not to say that it’s not doable, but you’ll need more resources and support than the average mom–make sure you understand what the issues are. At the moment, I don’t really feel like you grasp what the problems are going to look like.

 

[EasterJoy]

It’s not being mean, it’s just a fact–if you are mentally ill to such an extent that you can’t manage to work any kind of paying job, it’s not clear how you’re going to cope with long hours caring for your own children by yourself.

With a job, you can just walk out any time you please and then find another job when it suits you–which is something you just can’t do as an SAHM.

I’m not saying you are unfit to be a mother, but you need to think and think hard about the interactions between your mental health issues and the likely demands on your psyche as a young mother. I would suggest you start having a good hard look on any one of dozens of threads on the subject on CAF. Pretty much any mental health issue is exacerbated by new motherhood.

That’s not to say that it’s not doable, but you’ll need more resources and support than the average mom–make sure you understand what the issues are. At the moment, I don’t really feel like you grasp what the problems are going to look like.

I can see where she might have drawn “unfit” from “if you are going to have children, you’re going to need to have your mental health ducks in a row” or even from “I don’t really feel like you grasp what the problems are going to look like.”

We don’t even know what she means when she says “mental health” problems prevent her from taking the employment, except that the issue is not visible in the way a limp or a skin rash would be. After all, we don’t even know what kind of paid employment she is trained and able to do.

Your concerns are valid, but they’re concerns, something to discuss with those who are treating her and are familiar with all the facts she is choosing not to disclose to us. She would be unwise to draw conclusions about what she can or cannot do until she has that discussion and honestly considered the insights she gets.

We all know of mothers who were told by their doctors that they’d never manage as mothers, not to mention mothers who thought a pregnancy or the demands of child-rearing would somehow be the exception to their known limitations. I’d say that if a would-be mom is told she “can’t” do something necessary to motherhood, she’d do well to demonstrate to herself that she can by keeping at it until she finds a way to do it or convinces herself that she can’t. That’s only sensible–that is, to go through all the trial-and–error needed to find workable strategies before a child arrives–even if she has no intention of taking “no” for an answer.

 

[Xantippe]

I can see where she might have drawn “unfit” from “if you are going to have children, you’re going to need to have your mental health ducks in a row” or even from “I don’t really feel like you grasp what the problems are going to look like.”

We don’t even know what she means when she says “mental health” problems prevent her from taking the employment, except that the issue is not visible in the way a limp or a skin rash would be. After all, we don’t even know what kind of paid employment she is trained and able to do.

Your concerns are valid, but they’re concerns, something to discuss with those who are treating her and are familiar with all the facts she is choosing not to disclose to us. She would be unwise to draw conclusions about what she can or cannot do until she has that discussion and honestly considered the insights she gets.

We all know of mothers who were told by their doctors that they’d never manage as mothers, not to mention mothers who thought a pregnancy or the demands of child-rearing would somehow be the exception to their known limitations. I’d say that if a would-be mom is told she “can’t” do something necessary to motherhood, she’d do well to demonstrate to herself that she can by keeping at it until she finds a way to do it or convinces herself that she can’t. That’s only sensible–that is, to go through all the trial-and–error needed to find workable strategies before a child arrives–even if she has no intention of taking “no” for an answer.

I think that that would be a good issue to bring up with her mental health professionals and whatever support group she belongs to and see what kind of resources and support have helped new mothers with her particular diagnosis and then taking steps to ensure that she, too, will have those resources and supports.

That’s what I personally mean by having “ducks in a row.”

Also, her husband needs to be kept in the loop as the the likely mental health consequences of pregnancy, postpartum, and young motherhood on the OP.

 

[EasterJoy]

I think that that would be a good issue to bring up with her mental health professionals and whatever support group she belongs to and see what kind of resources and support have helped new mothers with her particular diagnosis and then taking steps to ensure that she, too, will have those resources and supports.

That’s what I personally mean by having “ducks in a row.”

Also, her husband needs to be kept in the loop as the the likely mental health consequences of pregnancy, postpartum, and young motherhood on the OP.

That’s what I thought you would have meant, as you tend to be an optimistic can-do sort of realist, but then I can probably predict your meaning better than she could.

(Looking at my reply, though, I hope you thought* I* meant that. Keyboards don’t translate thoughts as well as we’d like, sometimes…darned keyboards! )

 

[AClaire11]

I think that that would be a good issue to bring up with her mental health professionals and whatever support group she belongs to and see what kind of resources and support have helped new mothers with her particular diagnosis and then taking steps to ensure that she, too, will have those resources and supports.

That’s what I personally mean by having “ducks in a row.”

Also, her husband needs to be kept in the loop as the the likely mental health consequences of pregnancy, postpartum, and young motherhood on the OP.

Yes, definitely. My anxiety issues went into overdrive during pregnancy.

As for SSDI, OP might not have enough work credits to qualify. I remember looking into it for myself when I was struggling with PTSD.

 

[Mrs_V]

Right.

If you are going to have children, you’re going to need to have your mental health ducks in a row. The early years can be really hard even on women who go into it with cast-iron mental health and really really hard for women who have pre-existing mental health problems.

In fact, it’s not uncommon for mental health problems to become an obstacle to having a larger family or having the mother at home. I know a family in real life where the couple have realized that she has to go to work because she can’t be at home with their little children.

This is absolutely true. I tried to have the kids and still work full time but it broke me mentally. I switched to working weekends only and taking care of our home and children during the week. I thought I would be fine and had never had any issues handling a big stress load before.

 

[newlywed8]

It sounds to me as though your husband might be struggling with the ‘plateau’ you seem to have reached. You said you have not sought treatment lately, since it was doing more harm than good, and you have not made much headway in the education/job sector.

Perhaps it would be a good idea to just sit down with him and discuss your {meaning both of you) plan for coping with/treating your illness. Let him know if/when you will be ready to pursue treatment again {which I highly recommend, sometimes just starting with a new practitioner who you click with better can make a huge difference, not to mention to variety of treatments and meds available) and invite him to help you find a psychiatrist. Discuss family planning with your doctor, and start building a support system now (friends/family/parish/support groups), all of whom will be incredibly valuable if you are blessed with a child, and can also be a tremendous asset to you even now. Invite your husband to meet with your doctor sometimes to learn more about your illness, what it entails, how the future might look, and how he can help/support you.

With the job front, take things slowly. Without knowing what your limitations are, it is hard to say, but perhaps you could walk a neighbor’s dog once per day. Maybe you can sign up for a writing site and produce one piece of freelance writing per day. There are a variety of ‘task’ sites where you can take surveys for a few dollars each, do research, etc. All very low pressure, little to no commitment options. When you a are feeling well, you can spend a few minutes and earn a little extra. On days when you can’t, you don’t.

I have a feeling that since you haven’t expressed worries about finances that it is less about the paycheck and more about just seeing, for lack of a better word, progress. Showing your husband your effort, while also simultaneously making sure he has realistic ideas about what your best case, likely case, and worst case scenarios look like might be very helpful

 

[Lorelei12]

You don’t mention here whether your husband’s concerns are because of finances- if that is the case, and your health issues truly prevent you from working even part time, would he feel better if you applied for disability?

If you qualify, that might alleviate some of the stress he might be feeling as the sole breadwinner. I had always planned to stop paid employment when we had kids, but our circumstances do not allow for that (I work part time now) and it took me a while to understand the enormous pressure my husband feels as the primary earner even though I do bring in a little extra. Wages really have not kept up with inflation, and job security isn’t so great either. We are not living under the same circumstances our parents (who are now in their 60s) did, and so often it is necessary for both husband and wife to work. If that isn’t possible for you, your husband might feel some of the pressure lift if you were able to receive some disability income.

I do think you have a responsibility to yourself and to your husband to seek treatment for your health issues. Sometimes a new doctor, counselor, and/or medication can make a huge difference.