Marital intimacy issues

[guiltycatholic]

I’ve been married 7 years & sex has always been difficult. We have serious communication problems, which is the biggest contributing factor. But I’m doing all I can on that front already.
I’m asking here for advice because it’s impossible to discuss this with other couples. I’ve studied several marriage books including Holy Sex and ToB books, but our trouble seems to be lack of “chemistry”. THEN add in normal problems like his work schedule, kids always around, health issues affecting sex drive… It makes me wonder if I’ll ever actually WANT to.
I realize being in the mood isn’t necessarily a prerequisite to sex, and I often just go along. It’s very difficult for me to even be responsive or open to him. It’s physically difficult because my body is simply not “there”.
So on to the question - specifically, I’m wondering what is acceptable for me to do to get in the mood? Obviously porn is out - the only suggestion offered by the secular world. But I have a big question mark as to what IS ok. Prayer and thinking about the Song of Songs does NOT excite me.

What are appropriate, acceptable ways to get myself ready? I’m always at home with dirty dishes and little children, and there’s nothing sexy about that. Regarding sexual fantasy within marriage… maybe I’m just not a sexual person anymore, because I have no idea what I’d even think about. Basically I’m just tired and stressed and sex feels like another chore. Attraction for my spouse, honestly, just doesn’t even happen after all we’ve been through and all our ongoing problems. I still feel physically attracted to other men from time to time, but my husband feels more like a brother I don’t get along with. This is hard to admit but half the time when I happen to be in the mood, involving him actually puts out the fire immedately. I’m trying to bring something to the table here.

There are things that might turn me on but they shouldn’t because they’re sinful - the only thing that’s okay is being holy and… penetration. I hope that doesn’t come off as too ignorant or rude. I have taken several classes at my church regarding marriage and ToB, besides the books I’ve read, but everything seems to skim over the actual sex part as if it’s just going to happen automatically or naturally. But it doesn’t for me. There’s no spark, nor has there ever really been. I thought it would come over time but no. Do some wives just not enjoy sex and I should just accept that I’m one? Am I allowed to fantasize about things I’m not allowed to do, just to get in the mood? I know masturbatory actions aren’t allowed either. Someone tell me where the ON switch is if I’m not allowed to use my imagination or my body. Where does the desire come from? Do other couples just decide to have sex and suddenly they’re ready??

I’ve tried “teaching” my husband what to do but it doesn’t work. He doesn’t get it, and I realized I don’t actually even know what turns me on anymore, besides maybe a few things I can think of that aren’t allowed. Besides, I’ve accepted there’s nothing I can do about what my husband will or won’t do, beyond asking I have to just accept it. Therefore I’m asking what I can do.

 

[Irishmom2]

Maybe you and your husband need some date nights to rekindle whatever you once had. Or a weekend away without kids.

Maybe a check up is in order as well. Have you spoken to a doctor ever about this?

How is your marriage in general? Maybe you are holding a grudge about something and don’t want closeness with your husband for some reason. Maybe you resent him for something.

You don’t need to answer these here, just something to think about.

 

[TheLittleLady]

Ask your husband to take kid duty and you take an hour for a nice bubble bath, glass of wine, some music, a face mask. When you get out of the tub, take the time to mousiturze your skin and just pamper yourself to get into your own skin and out of “over touched mommy gooey nose wiping” mode.

When the kids go down, put on some music and dance with your husband out on the back deck or in the bedroom. Ask him to give you a foot rub. Talk to each other about whatever interests you both. Conversation is not called “stimulating” for nothing.

Little things that relax you are worth the time.

Find a way to get a sitter (trade with another mom if finances are tight) and do date night at least once a month. Remember your story, remember what you did when you were dating. Fall in love all over again.

 

[1ke]

Someone tell me where the ON switch is if I’m not allowed to use my imagination or my body.

Well it is your husband that should be turning the switch “on” to get you ready, not you by yourself. However you could help him, there isn’t any reason you can’t show him or help by touching him or yourself while you are together.

But the bigger issue here is that you don’t desire your husband sexually and really never have. Sexual desire starts in the brain. It is your brain that desires, and that desire creates a physical reaction. Your body also reacts to physical stimuli.

Where does the desire come from?

From your brain. From how you feel about your husband. From what you see. From what you hear. It’s a package deal.

Do other couples just decide to have sex and suddenly they’re ready??

Most couples desire each other and typically they engage in foreplay to the extent that they both need it. I would say if the couple is young and very attracted to each other, they don’t need as much foreplay to “get there” but they might like to engage in extended foreplay while an older couple might “need” more — bur these are generalities, everyone is different.

I don’t actually even know what turns me on anymore, besides maybe a few things I can think of that aren’t allowed.

I’m not really sure what you mean by this because aside from the man finishing somewhere other than inside the woman, there isn’t a whole lot between a couple that isn’t “allowed”.

The fact that you don’t desire your husband and aren’t attracted to him is the real problem here.

I’ve tried “teaching” my husband what to do but it doesn’t work. He doesn’t get it,

He doesn’t do what you’ve shown him, doesn’t remember from one day to the next, refuses to try, or does he do what you showed him and it still doesn’t stimulate you? If it’s the latter, that goes back to mentally not desiring him.

I think you need counseling, with or without him. What does he say when you try to talk to him? Does he like sex? Initiate it? Does he do affectionate things? Will he help with the kids?

I think this is a lot deeper than sex.