Marital intimacy question

[FrenzyJen]

I am 23 and have been married for nearly 2 years. Never in my life, through any means, have I found my “sexual release” (am I allowed to use the O word on here?). My husband and I waited until marriage, though we were friends since early in high school.

My husband is very eager and devoted in our lovemaking and does everything he can to help me get “there”, to no avail. Anyways, being disappointed time and time again has started to make me disinterested in sex.

I read JPII’s* Love and Responsibility* where (I’m just paraphrasing what I remember) he states that everything should be done to help a woman get there, or else she will start to hate sex. Which, I kind of am. On my worse days I’ve been very upset after sex watching him have his and I don’t come close.

I know that sexual touching is not allowed if the intent is not intercourse. My question here is, do you think it is permissible in the eyes of the church for my husband to stimulate me with the intent of having intercourse only if I am able to reach orgasm? As in, if it didn’t, we just say nevermind, try again tomorrow.

On one hand this kind of seems reasonable, but then I feel a little bit like this is trying to strike a deal with God. I want to live my faith, and I want my marriage to honor God, I’m just getting very weary of always having to drive to the party and not getting to attend.

 

[aemcpa]

The way I think you’re wording the question, what you’re really asking is, “Can my husband sexually stimulate me with the intention of bringing me to orgasm (yes, you can use the word), and with no intention of engaging in intercourse if he fails to do so?”

No. That is essentially masturbation. Sexual pleasure is not to be sought for its own sake, even in marriage. That isn’t to say that extended foreplay is wrong, but to make intercourse a Step 2 contingent on the successful completion of Step 1 is morally problematic.

 

[CatholicServant]

I am 23 and have been married for nearly 2 years. Never in my life, through any means, have I found my “sexual release” (am I allowed to use the O word on here?). My husband and I waited until marriage, though we were friends since early in high school.

My husband is very eager and devoted in our lovemaking and does everything he can to help me get “there”, to no avail. Anyways, being disappointed time and time again has started to make me disinterested in sex.

I read JPII’s* Love and Responsibility* where (I’m just paraphrasing what I remember) he states that everything should be done to help a woman get there, or else she will start to hate sex. Which, I kind of am. On my worse days I’ve been very upset after sex watching him have his and I don’t come close.

I know that sexual touching is not allowed if the intent is not intercourse. My question here is, do you think it is permissible in the eyes of the church for my husband to stimulate me with the intent of having intercourse only if I am able to reach orgasm? As in, if it didn’t, we just say nevermind, try again tomorrow.

On one hand this kind of seems reasonable, but then I feel a little bit like this is trying to strike a deal with God. I want to live my faith, and I want my marriage to honor God, I’m just getting very weary of always having to drive to the party and not getting to attend.

Hi Frenzy,

I don’t want to get to personal, but there are lots of things you guys can do together to learn about your body and what works and even things you can use to help you get there to make your love making more enjoyable for you.

As to your question, the foreplay should be instigated with the intent to result in the marital embrace.

Good luck and have fun and explore your body together!

 

[anruari]

My understanding is that it is necessary for a martial act to be complete and completed correctly in a manner that is open to life.
There is nothing in that requirement that would discourage your husband from helping you and your body from being very well prepared and receptive for him.
To do so is an expression of his selfless gift of self to you that is what love making is supposed to be about.
In the same way it is also perfectly ok for him to focus on your satisfaction after he has received his.

Conversely it is unlikely to be helpful to simulate a man in similar ways as most men are unlikely to need such help and are more likely to leave the act improperly finished or prematurely finished.

 

[Abbigaelann]

You both love God. God loves you. It is a healthy relationship based on love. So, what about your husband made you love to be around him? What gave you that sheepish aw shucks, yet the nerve to bring out the fun all facets of you? Who is that man? Who is that woman? What excites you to each other in the relationship that they are the one that you wanted a lifetime with? It’s okay to seek out that exciting part of each other with sex…it’s kind of an important part of why you got married and why the sexual part can work with this combination. So, I don’t think God would mind terribly. Don’t put so much theological stress on it…the glory of God was not meant to be in little boxes, nor was our love for God, nor was our love for each other. Allow yourself that freedom…God’s love is not strict structs…so is that love relevant and a viable part of your marriage? You have to be able to breathe!

Odd example
A recipe
The ingredients can sound good.
You can understand the instructions.
It makes sense and should work.
If you follow it exactly it should be tolerable or it wouldn’t be a recipe.

Pretty cold, cut and dried, isn’t it?
How many people make religion.
So, can variations be just as wonderful…
And nothing, tells you of the fullness of the enjoyment of it, until you experience it? There are no strict instructions what meal or what it must be served with or any of the details of implementing this recipe…And most good cooks know, without love, it’s pretty bland…it just becomes ‘processed’.

 

[mwncheesehead]

My question here is, do you think it is permissible in the eyes of the church for my husband to stimulate me with the intent of having intercourse only if I am able to reach orgasm?

Hi Jen, what the other posters have said is correct: that act must be a fully completed act of intercourse with the man finishing within his wife. I’m wondering though, why your husband has to help you get there outside of completed intercourse. It’s my understanding that a woman may reach her climax before, during, or following her husband’s climax.

 

[FrenzyJen]

It is just very frustrating. We fulfill the “procreative” requirement, but when I end up resenting him after sex I feel like it stops fulfilling the unitive requirement, because even if he tries to bring me to orgasm after he has his, it doesn’t happen. My thought was that if we only had intercourse when I was feeling “unitive” that perhaps it would fix this problem.

I received several questions via private message as well, so to answer those in brief, yes we have tried toys and games, yes my husband knows all this, and he tries very very hard.

Everything I read everywhere else says to masturbate alone until I “figure it out for myself”, which I know I mustn’t do.

Thank you all for your help and clarification.

 

[mwncheesehead]

My thought was that if we only had intercourse when I was feeling “unitive” that perhaps it would fix this problem.

Good thought. I’d suggest that sometimes when couples try too hard, they don’t get there because they’re forcing it. When they’re relaxed after a drink or having non-sexual romance time, like watching a movie, walks, time on the couch, without expecting fireworks…sometimes those fireworks might just happen.

 

[TheDoctor]

It is just very frustrating. We fulfill the “procreative” requirement, but when I end up resenting him after sex I feel like it stops fulfilling the unitive requirement, because even if he tries to bring me to orgasm after he has his, it doesn’t happen. My thought was that if we only had intercourse when I was feeling “unitive” that perhaps it would fix this problem.

I received several questions via private message as well, so to answer those in brief, yes we have tried toys and games, yes my husband knows all this, and he tries very very hard.

Everything I read everywhere else says to masturbate alone until I “figure it out for myself”, which I know I mustn’t do.

Thank you all for your help and clarification.

Hi Jen. Thanks for having the courage to ask for help for the sake of your marriage and for trying to hold to the teachings of the Church.

First things first. Have you discussed this with your OB/GYN and determined there is nothing physically wrong (a “hooded clitoris” for example, while rare, can reduce the pleasure of the marital act and may make orgasm physically impossible). They can also discuss any medications or other issues that might be a block.

If there is no physical reason you cannot reach climax, then you need to find out what type of stimulation is both most enjoyable to you and will bring you there. It is not masturbation to pleasure yourself or to help your husband determine what will pleasure you are foreplay to the marital act. If you still experience issues, perhaps a catholic therepist skilled in sexuality can assist.

I can feel the frustration and anguish in your posts and will pray for you and your husband.

 

[nhamm10]

I am 23 and have been married for nearly 2 years. Never in my life, through any means, have I found my “sexual release” (am I allowed to use the O word on here?). My husband and I waited until marriage, though we were friends since early in high school.

My husband is very eager and devoted in our lovemaking and does everything he can to help me get “there”, to no avail. Anyways, being disappointed time and time again has started to make me disinterested in sex.

I read JPII’s* Love and Responsibility* where (I’m just paraphrasing what I remember) he states that everything should be done to help a woman get there, or else she will start to hate sex. Which, I kind of am. On my worse days I’ve been very upset after sex watching him have his and I don’t come close.

I know that sexual touching is not allowed if the intent is not intercourse. My question here is, do you think it is permissible in the eyes of the church for my husband to stimulate me with the intent of having intercourse only if I am able to reach orgasm? As in, if it didn’t, we just say nevermind, try again tomorrow.

On one hand this kind of seems reasonable, but then I feel a little bit like this is trying to strike a deal with God. I want to live my faith, and I want my marriage to honor God, I’m just getting very weary of always having to drive to the party and not getting to attend.

Personally, I think you should experiment with yourself and/or husband and figure out how your body works. Once that is achieved incorporate that into foreplay and intercourse. I truly think God wants you to enjoy your lovemaking and not feel cheated by not having orgasms. God knows your intentions and your heart! Relax, clear your mind, and really it does take practice and experience to figure yourself and have your partner figure you out!

 

[Usige]

First, we should never set preconditions on intimacy. Perhaps your husband tries for months or years and cannot help you reach what you seek. Should he be denied intimacy that whole time? Setting a goal can actually be counter productive in that both of you can become frustrated. This can lead to resentment or “performance anxiety” that can make you both miserable.

There are really two things to keep in mind.

First you need to distinguish to yourself if you don’t enjoy being intimate period or if its that you aren’t reaching your goal. For instance I might ride a rollercoaster and enjoy it, but it might not be the ride of my life. I shouldn’t discount the joy I did get simply because it wasn’t the ultimate thrill I had built up in my mind.

Secondly much of it can come down to communication. I suspect most men need a bit a guidance on what, when and how much. Its a learning process for both spouses. I know it took many years for my wife and I to know what worked and what didn’t. Even 19+ years later things still don’t always go as we’d like. Remember most men are like a light switch; simple and easy to operate. Women are often like a violin; while the basics might seem obvious it takes practice to play the most joyous music. Even then a poorly tuned string or misplaced finger can ruin a piece played by a master.

The suggestion? Relax and take your time. Take your mind off the goal but focus on the moment (maybe try a glass of wine). When things are going right, offer encouragement and guidance. Don’t get wrapped up in what isn’t working but focus on what is.

 

[Little_Mac]

Well it looks like the Church fathers gave some advice on this!

“Let the husband render to his wife the affection due her, and likewise also the wife to her husband. The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. And likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. Do not deprive one another except with consent for a time, that you may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again so that Satan does not tempt you because of your lack of self-control. But I say this as a concession, not as a commandment.”

I’d recommend you get some more maturely written books on the subject of sexual intimacy if you can. Try to get something with a modest perspective, you don’t want to be scared away by something too kinky, because this is about marital bliss, not a promiscuous night out on the town. And I’d also recommend you get creative with positions, and definitely have him try certain things until you two get used to it (I think you know what I mean). And most importantly, *stop waiting for it to happen! *You’re not gunna have fun if you’re just laying there looking at your watch!! Try to learn to enjoy the valleys. Maybe have a glass of wine sometime before you guys start, or something with alcohol to lower your awareness. Hope this helps!

 

[LaSainte]

It is just very frustrating. We fulfill the “procreative” requirement, but when I end up resenting him after sex I feel like it stops fulfilling the unitive requirement, because even if he tries to bring me to orgasm after he has his, it doesn’t happen. My thought was that if we only had intercourse when I was feeling “unitive” that perhaps it would fix this problem.

I received several questions via private message as well, so to answer those in brief, yes we have tried toys and games, yes my husband knows all this, and he tries very very hard.

Everything I read everywhere else says to masturbate alone until I “figure it out for myself”, which I know I mustn’t do.

Thank you all for your help and clarification.

I believe that it is ok for you to touch yourself when you are with your husband. Sometimes it helps to be able to figure it out on your own, because you can actually feel what you are doing. Then you can communicate this to your husband. Also, it sometimes helps if the goal is just to have a nice intimate time with your husband instead of putting a lot of pressure on your body to perform a certain way. Try to enjoy the journey more. I hope none of this sounds trite…

 

[nodito]

I second the idea of checking with your OB/GYN to rule out any medical conditions.