Marital issues because of porn

[kittery]

I’ve been here before with my marriage suffering due to porn. It’s been a long time since I’ve posted here, but I need help/guidance. My husband keeps looking at porn. He deletes the history but he doesn’t know that he has to delete the files too to hide it all the way. Sometimes I’ll hit the history to find a site I’ve accessed and would like to return to only to find the history wiped out. When I do, I go check the temp files and find the porn. The other day he was doing it while my sister and I were upstairs doing my hair for my college graduation ceremony! Usually he does it when I’m not home at all, but to do it while my sister is there with me and he should have been getting ready for the graduation is, well, pretty bold I think.

He usually accesses sites and from the files it doesn’t look like he pores through the sites, but goes from site homepage to site homepage. He does it for about 20 minutes at a time and once or twice when he’s home and I’m off at school. Should I worry less because he doesn’t spend hours at a time at this?

I have grown so weary of this. And our sex life is so lifeless now. Ugh. I haven’t talked to him this time. I have talked to him every other time I’ve found it on the computer, but I’m tired of feeling like a mommy-cop. What do I do???

 

[whm]

Your husband has a pretty big problem if he is doing this when you and your sister are upstairs. It sounds like he is “addicted”. He must stop doing this. Here are a couple of ideas.

1. If he hasn’t been deleting the temp files you can see the website address in the file names. You could write a few down and confront him.
2. You can put a webfi lter on the computer and keep the password secret.
3. He should now exactly how you feel about it. I now see it as a form of cheating, I imagine he doesn’t see it that way, but what matters is what how you see it.
4. His soul is in serious danger. You are in a fight for his soul.

There are some good websites and books available to help you both. Checkout the sticky posts under “moral theology” in these forums.

I will pray for you both.

 

[eichenb2]

I’ve been here before with my marriage suffering due to porn. It’s been a long time since I’ve posted here, but I need help/guidance. My husband keeps looking at porn. He deletes the history but he doesn’t know that he has to delete the files too to hide it all the way. Sometimes I’ll hit the history to find a site I’ve accessed and would like to return to only to find the history wiped out. When I do, I go check the temp files and find the porn. The other day he was doing it while my sister and I were upstairs doing my hair for my college graduation ceremony! Usually he does it when I’m not home at all, but to do it while my sister is there with me and he should have been getting ready for the graduation is, well, pretty bold I think.

He usually accesses sites and from the files it doesn’t look like he pores through the sites, but goes from site homepage to site homepage. He does it for about 20 minutes at a time and once or twice when he’s home and I’m off at school. Should I worry less because he doesn’t spend hours at a time at this?

I have grown so weary of this. And our sex life is so lifeless now. Ugh. I haven’t talked to him this time. I have talked to him every other time I’ve found it on the computer, but I’m tired of feeling like a mommy-cop. What do I do???

One must delete the files, too???

 

[Primox]

www.settingcaptivesfree.com - sexual purity program (for pornography). It takes 60 days. It’s not the method I used to stop watching porn, but I’ve reviewed a lot of the program and it’s top-knotch. You should turn him onto it (no pun intended, really).

Good luck and God bless!

 

[whatevergirl]

*I think your husband has a problem with abandoning this habit/addiction, whatever we want to label it. It shows to be getting worse if he is risking doing it while you’re home, too…as though, he needs to look at it, and doesn’t care if he’s taking a risk now. Not that hiding it is better, but you know what I’m trying to say?

I would try to find him a good recovery program. I would not play cop…no. That is not solving anything. I would not disconnect the internet, etc…that isn’t going to help. Above all–DO NOT IGNORE THIS LIKE IT’S NOT HAPPENING OR WILL GO AWAY ON ITS OWN. He has a problem with this, and needs to get help. I would talk to your priest to get his advice, as to where a good recovery program might be for your husband, and ask your husband to check into it. Don’t argue, just ask him to do it. If he were drinking or doing drugs…we wouldn’t be shy in confronting the issue. This is no different, it hurts him, his walk with Christ, and his relationship with you. He needs to find a way to kick this habit.

I’m sorry you’re here again with this, but until he gets serious help, and commits to a recovery program, he will continue on and on with this. I will pray for you both!*

 

[sixeyes]

Oh, Kittery. I’ve been there. It hurts so badly and is so infuriating. :console:

Whatevergirl had some great advice, including:

Above all–DO NOT IGNORE THIS LIKE IT’S NOT HAPPENING OR WILL GO AWAY ON ITS OWN.

It won’t go away on its own. You need to confront him, like she said, and demand that he make changes. If you’ve confronted him in the past, especially if he agrees that what he’s doing is wrong (does he?), and he continues to do it, there is some element of addiction involved. He may not need an intense recovery program, but he at least needs counseling or one-on-one spiritual direction.

I couldn’t do the mommy-cop thing, either- I wanted my DH to take responsibility for his own actions, not avoid the porn because of a filter or because he was afraid of me. He found an accountability partner in one of our deacons and that, along with counseling from a good Catholic counselor, started us both on the road to healing.

I’d also recommend retrouvaille a thousand times over. I wasn’t sure if we “qualified” because our marriage was pretty stable. No one was threatening divorce or separation and we actually got along really well outside of the porn issue. I’m so glad we went, though. Please do consider it.

 

[whatevergirl]

*kittery, the only experience I have with this type of thing, is my dh and I viewed it together early on in our marriage, and even though I was viewing it with him, it hurt our marriage. It hurt how we viewed sexuality. That is why it’s so ‘fatal’ to a marriage, for lack of a better word. It distorts women, and sexuality. It distorts men, too. Like men are sex machines looking for their next conquest, that is pretty much the sum total of porn.

The problem with what your dh is doing also, is he’s covering his tracks, or trying to–to keep the habit from you. On some level, he KNOWS it’s wrong, and hurtful to the marriage and to you–so he lies about it. Porn usually causes men who are viewing it, to start lying. There are layers of sins that start evolving when porn enters the picture, in a person’s life.

I think that is why he definitely needs outside help at this point. God can change anyone, if he/she opens his/her heart to Him. Trust in God…and talk to your husband. Be kind yet firm. He needs to stop doing this–it is not edifying to your marriage whatsoever, and he has to know that you know. And that you’re not interested in being his mom, or a cop…but that you are seeking real lasting change in him. Be supportive, porn is not a rejection of you, while it feels like it might be. It has more to do with being infatuated with fantasy, than it does with rejecting you.

I will be praying for you–may God give you strength and courage to go through this with your husband, and help him to change. :hug1:*

 

[kage_ar]

The advice is a bit different for people in different faith backgrounds, a practicing Catholic will be different than a Baptist will be different from an athiest.

What is your husband’s faith?

 

[whm]

I agree with the other posters that you should not have to play “cop” for him, however it sounds like this may be the third time he has fallen down.

1. He doesn’t seem to be able to police himself, I would still get the filter. He can of course get around it, but it will serve as a reminder to him.
2. If you have kids (based on your earlier thread) you really should get a filter. Even if he didn’t have a problem, you should still have a filter for your kids. But since he does, the chances your kids will stubble across something are much higher. You already mentioned that he is not very tech savvy, you can get pop-ups, if someone simply searched for pictures on the computer in media center or photoshop all of those images that he didn’t delete could come up.

Actually needing if for the kids softens the ego blow quite a bit since you truly do need a filter to protect the kids anyway. Takes away from the spying/mommy aspect of it all. Also, It is much better to ask him upfront how things are going and encourage him than to have to check the log and confront him after the fact. One downside of filters is they have a lot of false alarms, so you do need to communicate.

1. The porn world is designed to draw people into darker and darker stuff. If he even accidentally came across illegal images, you could have very serious legal problems. Please get a filter. He is already behaving very unsafely.
2. You don’t want your kids to ever find out what he has done. Please, please please get a filter. I have heard stories were kids have lost all respect for dad when they found out. If he doesn’t get a handle on it I am afraid that they eventually will find out.

I know this is very hard for you and for him. I’ve been there. Get the filter, see your Priest, then have a wonderful loving Fathers day for him this weekend.

 

[nodito]

I have grown so weary of this. And our sex life is so lifeless now. Ugh. I haven’t talked to him this time. I have talked to him every other time I’ve found it on the computer, but I’m tired of feeling like a mommy-cop. What do I do???

This is going to sound so random, but in interviewing NFP providers for my thesis, one of the things that consistently comes up is how practicing NFP can serve as a preventative measure against pornography. The idea is that the couple practices self discipline and learns to conquer their selfishness together. NFP users often say that it revitalize their sex life by making sex something desirable and worth waiting for.

I don’t know if you’re trying to avoid pregnancy or achieve or just waiting to see what happens. I don’t know what you currently are or are not using. But if you do decide you have just reasons for spacing kids for now, consider taking an NFP (refresher) class together and making deliberate choices about when you will and will not have sex. Just an idea

I would also second Retrouvaille. God bless.

 

[eichenb2]

What if the husband were to say that he was born with the desire to view porn. Also, he may indicate that we should not be judgemental of his desire to look at porn. Finally, what if he were to indicate that he believes that there is nothing wrong with porn, as look as all participants 18+ and it is voluntary? Should we consider this stance a moral failing? If so, how does it differ from so-called “gays” and thier stance on homosexuality or polygamists and their stance on polygamy?

 

[whatevergirl]

*All of that considered, it hurts his wife. That should be enough to cause him to stop …he is lying about it, so she doesn’t find out, as he wants to avoid hurting her.

I think regardless of religion, vewing porn is destructive to the viewer, to those employed in it, and those who are married to people who view it.

Again, above all–regardless of religion, etc…we should do things to edify our marriages, and show our love to our spouses. Viewing porn, hiding it, lying about…all don’t accomplish those things. A person can have no faith at all, and know that porn is crippling to a marriage. *

 

[eichenb2]

The advice is a bit different for people in different faith backgrounds, a practicing Catholic will be different than a Baptist will be different from an athiest.

What is your husband’s faith?

I apologize, in advance, for my bluntless. But…this is absurd. It is morally wrong for anyone to engage in watching, performing, distributing, or purchasing porn. Basically, pornographia degrades people (especially women) and mocks the God-given, life-giving sex act. It turns a gift into a curse! Sexual activity is morally good only between one man and one woman, within the context of sacramental marriage. I acknowledge this is the Catholic teaching. But, it is also the Christian teaching. Being Baptist, Pentacostal, or Non-Dom will not change that.

 

[whm]

What if the husband were to say that he was born with the desire to view porn. Also, he may indicate that we should not be judgemental of his desire to look at porn. Finally, what if he were to indicate that he believes that there is nothing wrong with porn, as look as all participants 18+ and it is voluntary? Should we consider this stance a moral failing? If so, how does it differ from so-called “gays” and thier stance on homosexuality or polygamists and their stance on polygamy?

She is looking for help. This is the family life forum, she is trying to save her marriage which has been damaged by her husbands issues. I suggest you post your own thread under the “moral theology” forum. You will get a healthy debate there.

 

[nodito]

I apologize, in advance, for my bluntless. But…this is absurd. It is morally wrong for anyone to engage in watching, performing, distributing, or purchasing porn. Basically, pornographia degrades people (especially women) and mocks the God-given, life-giving sex act. It turns a gift into a curse! Sexual activity is morally good only between one man and one woman, within the context of sacramental marriage. I acknowledge this is the Catholic teaching. But, it is also the Christian teaching. Being Baptist, Pentacostal, or Non-Dom will not change that.

I took Kage_ar’s post to mean that the advice would be different, not the morality of the act. Like, if he were Catholic, maybe she’d recommend weekly confession. But if he were Baptist, maybe she’d ask him to meet with his pastor. And likewise, if he’s not religious at all, maybe he’d benefit more from secular marital counseling. But I could have misinterpreted it…

 

[eichenb2]

I took Kage_ar’s post to mean that the advice would be different, not the morality of the act. Like, if he were Catholic, maybe she’d recommend weekly confession. But if he were Baptist, maybe she’d ask him to meet with his pastor. And likewise, if he’s not religious at all, maybe he’d benefit more from secular marital counseling. But I could have misinterpreted it…

mea culpa. I see your point and apologize.

 

[kage_ar]

I apologize, in advance, for my bluntless. But…this is absurd. It is morally wrong for anyone to engage in watching, performing, distributing, or purchasing porn. Basically, pornographia degrades people (especially women) and mocks the God-given, life-giving sex act. It turns a gift into a curse! Sexual activity is morally good only between one man and one woman, within the context of sacramental marriage. I acknowledge this is the Catholic teaching. But, it is also the Christian teaching. Being Baptist, Pentacostal, or Non-Dom will not change that.

For a Catholic, they can go to Confession and have Spiritual direction, they will read the Catechism.

Believe it or not, there are groups who claim the name of Christian who teach that pornography can enhance a marriage. Masturbation is suggested for people by some non-Catholic groups. If someone is from that background, they will need a paradigm change.

And athiests, that is a whole 'nother ball of wax.

I agree, it should not make a difference, but IRL it does.

 

[whatevergirl]

For a Catholic, they can go to Confession and have Spiritual direction, they will read the Catechism.

Believe it or not, there are groups who claim the name of Christian who teach that pornography can enhance a marriage. Masturbation is suggested for people by some non-Catholic groups. If someone is from that background, they will need a paradigm change.

And athiests, that is a whole 'nother ball of wax.

I agree, it should not make a difference, but IRL it does.

*But, they aren’t viewing it as a couple. I could see that if they were using it to ‘enhance’ their marriage, but he is hiding it from her–regardless of their faith background, he obviously knows it is wrong, otherwise he wouldn’t delete the history. He’s not viewing it to enhance the marriage. *

 

[kage_ar]

*But, they aren’t viewing it as a couple. I could see that if they were using it to ‘enhance’ their marriage, but he is hiding it from her–regardless of their faith background, he obviously knows it is wrong, otherwise he wouldn’t delete the history. He’s not viewing it to enhance the marriage. *

Still, one would not suggest a Catholic book or Priest or website for someone who is staunchly anti-catholic. One would not suggest spiritual things to an athiest.

 

[jwashu]

I apologize, in advance, for my bluntless. But…this is absurd. It is morally wrong for anyone to engage in watching, performing, distributing, or purchasing porn. Basically, pornographia degrades people (especially women) and mocks the God-given, life-giving sex act. It turns a gift into a curse! Sexual activity is morally good only between one man and one woman, within the context of sacramental marriage. I acknowledge this is the Catholic teaching. But, it is also the Christian teaching. Being Baptist, Pentacostal, or Non-Dom will not change that.

Obviously you don’t know much about modern protestants… heh. There are many Ministers today preaching about the need to couples to engage in more sex. To encourage this there are seminars held and many of the largest mega Churches in which soft-porn (which is still porn) viewing is encouraged as martial enhancers to get people “in the mood.”

Porn that isn’t violent and is of willing participants is not views as necessarily evil or sinful when shared between 2 consenting adults. This is what WG is referring to that her and her husband use to view as did my wife and I (when we were protestants).

So yea, the advice would be different if the person is of a faith that believe’s it’s not wrong.

But back to the OP… Kittery I remember some of your other posts and I’m sure in that I was arguing with someone who said something like “viewed porn, leave him!” I still don’t believe that is the answer.

Yet I believe my post back then would be somewhat similar, is this a random thing or often. It seems like you are saying it’s often but then that he really isn’t digging deep but more or less curious. While I don’t want you to note the sites on the board, what are they? are they hardcore? or are they just nude pictures? or are they stories? or are they TV shows like Disparate Housewives or many SOAPs. I sat a lunch today at a place to eat and watched what was pretty close to porn (just no nudity) on whatever SOAP was on TV…

So I believe defining what he is looking at is very important… because that will be how you better deal with the issue. On might consider nudity art and that is siginificantly different that hardcore porn.

The first thing I would do is to talk with him and your Priest about this. I say that because what I find more disturbing than the fact that he looks at porn (possibly just from time to time - we all sin right?) is the fact that you said your sex life together is suffering.

If porn is replacing reality… there IS a problem and possible addiction. As most know here I’m usually the one pretty lax on this as I believe we all fail from time to time. But as I told a man in a similar situation, if porn or masturbation is replacing being with your spouse - you have bigger issues. I understand sometimes people are tired and sometime we don’t feel like things when the other does. But if someone is actively choosing to view porn rather than be with their spouse - I believe they need some counseling to address that issue (and whatever underlying issues are behind it as well).

We all fail from time to time but the coming together as a couple is of the utmost importance IMHO. Porn CAN definitely cause a problem with that, if your husband is to that point, you and he need to talk and seek some help together. You both deserve the fulfillment of one another.

Joe