Marital issues because of porn

[Rascalking]

Is there a 12-step program for a porn addicition?

I have alot of sympathy for men-in particular because women simply don’t know what it’s like to be a man, and some men are either dishonest or uncomfortable in talking to their wives, daughters, girlfriends about what it’s like to be a man.

Having said that, I think that porn is 2nd best way to morally, spirtually, and phyiscally ruin someones health.

He is a man, and perhaps he struggles with a high sex drive or something along that lines. We are all under orders to pray for him, and love him as a fellow brother-maybe not a Catholic, or even a Christian.

 

[shannyk]

Obviously you don’t know much about modern protestants… heh. There are many Ministers today preaching about the need to couples to engage in more sex. To encourage this there are seminars held and many of the largest mega Churches in which soft-porn (which is still porn) viewing is encouraged as martial enhancers to get people “in the mood.”

Is this really true??? I’m sorry, maybe I live under a rock, i mean I know there are some odd things going on in mega church communities, but this floors me, AND grosses me out.

really???

 

[newbetx]

I’ve been here before with my marriage suffering due to porn. It’s been a long time since I’ve posted here, but I need help/guidance. My husband keeps looking at porn. He deletes the history but he doesn’t know that he has to delete the files too to hide it all the way. Sometimes I’ll hit the history to find a site I’ve accessed and would like to return to only to find the history wiped out. When I do, I go check the temp files and find the porn. The other day he was doing it while my sister and I were upstairs doing my hair for my college graduation ceremony! Usually he does it when I’m not home at all, but to do it while my sister is there with me and he should have been getting ready for the graduation is, well, pretty bold I think.

He usually accesses sites and from the files it doesn’t look like he pores through the sites, but goes from site homepage to site homepage. He does it for about 20 minutes at a time and once or twice when he’s home and I’m off at school. Should I worry less because he doesn’t spend hours at a time at this?

I have grown so weary of this. And our sex life is so lifeless now. Ugh. I haven’t talked to him this time. I have talked to him every other time I’ve found it on the computer, but I’m tired of feeling like a mommy-cop. What do I do???

Porn is a big problem to overcome. Worse than alcohol sometimes. It’s so easy to fall victim again…

I don’t know if I suggested this to you before, but I will. I have not reviewed this particular version but I did read the predicessor book. It helped me understand the problem with porn and how it affects men. It claims to have a methodology to help you with your problem. I did not have time to do any of the exercises as I was just borrowing the book. The book was invaluable to my understanding of how I was affected by sex and porn.

Peace to you.

 

[flyingfish]

You are probably not going to like my advice, but I think you should work on making peace with the fact that your husband looks at porn from time to time and learning not to get that in the way of your sex life with him.

It would be a big problem if he spent hours on it, if he stored large amounts of it on his computer, or if he was into some particularly perverted subtype of porn.

It might be hard to come to terms with, but he probably will not be able to completely stop. Probably only a very small percentage of sexually functioning men never look at porn.

Your husband is a sinner, as are all of us. I can see how it can be hurtful if he looks at pictures of other women, but remember any time you are watching a tv show or a movie you are looking at images of men many of whom are sexually attractive and if your sex drive is normal you probably get aroused by them even if they are not naked.

FYI I am a woman, and I would also prefer that my partner did not look at porn. But I just don’t think it’s realistic to expect it considering how available it is and how tempting. A lot of how it affects your marriage is your attitude to it. You don’t have to let it become this huge thing that destroys your sex life. There are certainly situations where it does destroy it, like if the guy spends hours on it, looks at sick stuff etc. But the kind of thing you are describing seems pretty normal for a young man today and I would try to learn to accept it and love and want him despite his imperfections.

 

[Andrea22]

I haven’t talked to him this time. I have talked to him every other time I’ve found it on the computer, but I’m tired of feeling like a mommy-cop. What do I do???

What does he say about it?
Does he think he has a problem?
What is his faith like? Does he go to confession regularly?
Does he go to sunday mass?
Does he feel any guilt or repentance?

 

[newbetx]

You are probably not going to like my advice, but I think you should work on making peace with the fact that your husband looks at porn from time to time and learning not to get that in the way of your sex life with him.

It would be a big problem if he spent hours on it, if he stored large amounts of it on his computer, or if he was into some particularly perverted subtype of porn.

It might be hard to come to terms with, but he probably will not be able to completely stop. Probably only a very small percentage of sexually functioning men never look at porn.

Your husband is a sinner, as are all of us. I can see how it can be hurtful if he looks at pictures of other women, but remember any time you are watching a tv show or a movie you are looking at images of men many of whom are sexually attractive and if your sex drive is normal you probably get aroused by them even if they are not naked.

FYI I am a woman, and I would also prefer that my partner did not look at porn. But I just don’t think it’s realistic to expect it considering how available it is and how tempting. A lot of how it affects your marriage is your attitude to it. You don’t have to let it become this huge thing that destroys your sex life. There are certainly situations where it does destroy it, like if the guy spends hours on it, looks at sick stuff etc. But the kind of thing you are describing seems pretty normal for a young man today and I would try to learn to accept it and love and want him despite his imperfections.

Welcome to CAF! I see you are relatively new here.

Typicaly, we try to offer hope and Catholic based solutions. We believe that such lowered expectations, while easy or tactical, does not get one to heaven… Most of all, also believe it is our duty to work to get our spouses to heaven.

I do agree with you that she does need to show love to her husband in order to help get things turned around. And I understand her hessitation. We all know that porn is a problem with objectification and no one wants to become the replacement of that objectification.

 

[jwashu]

Is this really true??? I’m sorry, maybe I live under a rock, i mean I know there are some odd things going on in mega church communities, but this floors me, AND grosses me out.

really???

Yes. I’m not talking about some of the stuff you can view on the net though, these are more like what would be on Showtime and night but with a more romantic driven theme.

There are some others who don’t believe in the porn but take a pretty radical in-your-face type discussion in which I’m pretty sure people get aroused… they just don’t consider that Porn I guess since you don’t “view” it. However from our standpoint, Catholic, it’s my understanding that anything specifically designed to arouse someone outside of their spouse is pornography.

Joe

PS - (edit) Some of these also believe you don’t eat certain animals because of OT law as well… most take the Bible literalistically in English. If it doesn’t spell it out, it’s not wrong. While this guy doesn’t advocate porn there are a lot of other things that would make his interpretation of the scriptures question what he is thinking! msnbc.msn.com/id/13834042/

 

[Primox]

Obviously you don’t know much about modern protestants… heh. There are many Ministers today preaching about the need to couples to engage in more sex. To encourage this there are seminars held and many of the largest mega Churches in which soft-porn (which is still porn) viewing is encouraged as martial enhancers to get people “in the mood.”

This isn’t typical.

Is there a 12-step program for a porn addicition?

I have alot of sympathy for men-in particular because women simply don’t know what it’s like to be a man, and some men are either dishonest or uncomfortable in talking to their wives, daughters, girlfriends about what it’s like to be a man.

Having said that, I think that porn is 2nd best way to morally, spirtually, and phyiscally ruin someones health.

He is a man, and perhaps he struggles with a high sex drive or something along that lines. We are all under orders to pray for him, and love him as a fellow brother-maybe not a Catholic, or even a Christian.

Amen.

 

[kittery]

There are layers of sins that start evolving when porn enters the picture, in a person’s life.
That’s true; and that’s very scary. I wonder how much he looks at other women and has thoughts without me knowing. About three weeks ago I had a terrible dream that he was having an affair with his the last girlfriend he had before he met me. In my heart, I feel like our marriage has experienced a degree of infedility because of this.

Be supportive, porn is not a rejection of you, while it feels like it might be. It has more to do with being infatuated with fantasy, than it does with rejecting you.
*That is SO hard to believe. I can’t help feeling like I have faded in his eyes. *

I will be praying for you–may God give you strength and courage to go through this with your husband, and help him to change. :hug1:

Thank you, WG.

What is your husband’s faith?

He is a Roman Catholic, born and raised. He is very traditional. I’m a convert of 6 years.

This is going to sound so random, but in interviewing NFP providers for my thesis, one of the things that consistently comes up is how practicing NFP can serve as a preventative measure against pornography. The idea is that the couple practices self discipline and learns to conquer their selfishness together. NFP users often say that it revitalize their sex life by making sex something desirable and worth waiting for.

I don’t know if you’re trying to avoid pregnancy or achieve or just waiting to see what happens. I don’t know what you currently are or are not using. But if you do decide you have just reasons for spacing kids for now, consider taking an NFP (refresher) class together and making deliberate choices about when you will and will not have sex. Just an idea

This is it’s own “can of worms”. We have used NFP during our entire marriage. No artificial methods of any kinds have even been considered/talked about. After our second was born, I went back to school and have been TTA for the last 3 years. After the first year of charting, I quit charting altogether because I didn’t need to know much. He wasn’t all that interested in sex with me. Although he would rarely turn me down, I know the cold shoulder, facing the other wall, staying up late to watch tv, all those non-verbal clues into his disinterest, all too well. If he would come after me on a day that I KNEW was fertile, I’d let him know then. But that didn’t happen very often at all.
NFP has never been something that I would say has brought us closer or improved our relationship. To me, that’s an ideal or even a myth.

 

[kittery]

But back to the OP… Kittery I remember some of your other posts and I’m sure in that I was arguing with someone who said something like “viewed porn, leave him!” I still don’t believe that is the answer. Me niether.

Yet I believe my post back then would be somewhat similar, is this a random thing or often. *It’s pretty reliable- whenever I’m gone to school or for any lengthy amount of time, it happens.*It seems like you are saying it’s often but then that he really isn’t digging deep but more or less curious. Exactly. While I don’t want you to note the sites on the board, what are they? are they hardcore? *I honestly don’t know what would be considered hardcore. I’d say that the sites he goes to are probably considered “mainstream”. Nothing illegal or “fetishy”.*or are they just nude pictures? *Like artsy nude stuff? No. *or are they stories? or are they TV shows like Disparate Housewives or many SOAPs. **Nothing on tv. He likes Fox News too much to waste tv watching time on SOAP stuff.

If porn is replacing reality… there IS a problem and possible addiction. As most know here I’m usually the one pretty lax on this as I believe we all fail from time to time. But as I told a man in a similar situation, if porn or masturbation is replacing being with your spouse - you have bigger issues. I understand sometimes people are tired and sometime we don’t feel like things when the other does. But if someone is actively choosing to view porn rather than be with their spouse - I believe they need some counseling to address that issue (and whatever underlying issues are behind it as well).
I always wonder about this point- is he “addicted” or not? He doesn’t spend HOURS at a time like I’ve said. But he knows, oh he KNOWS how much I hate this and how much it hurts me. Yet, like a kid in a candy store, every time I turn my back… And I do feel replaced by those disgusting images. And I feel like dirt because of it. I feel SO DISRESPECTED.

Joe

Porn is a big problem to overcome. Worse than alcohol sometimes. It’s so easy to fall victim again…

I don’t know if I suggested this to you before, but I will. I have not reviewed this particular version but I did read the predicessor book. It helped me understand the problem with porn and how it affects men. It claims to have a methodology to help you with your problem. I did not have time to do any of the exercises as I was just borrowing the book. The book was invaluable to my understanding of how I was affected by sex and porn.

Peace to you.

*Thank you, newbetx. *

You are probably not going to like my advice, but I think you should work on making peace with the fact that your husband looks at porn from time to time and learning not to get that in the way of your sex life with him.

It would be a big problem if he spent hours on it, if he stored large amounts of it on his computer, or if he was into some particularly perverted subtype of porn.

It might be hard to come to terms with, but he probably will not be able to completely stop. Probably only a very small percentage of sexually functioning men never look at porn.

Your husband is a sinner, as are all of us. I can see how it can be hurtful if he looks at pictures of other women, but remember any time you are watching a tv show or a movie you are looking at images of men many of whom are sexually attractive and if your sex drive is normal you probably get aroused by them even if they are not naked.

FYI I am a woman, and I would also prefer that my partner did not look at porn. But I just don’t think it’s realistic to expect it considering how available it is and how tempting. A lot of how it affects your marriage is your attitude to it. You don’t have to let it become this huge thing that destroys your sex life. There are certainly situations where it does destroy it, like if the guy spends hours on it, looks at sick stuff etc. But the kind of thing you are describing seems pretty normal for a young man today and I would try to learn to accept it and love and want him despite his imperfections.

I didn’t sign up for a mediocre marriage. That’s not what he and I dreamed of together. We are called to something so much higher that the muck porn leaves in it’s wake. I will not settle for, or accept this as a way of life. We are not animals, unable to control our instincts and urges. For us, not using birth control has been a choice we have made together. Is it highly available? For sure. Is it tempting? It has been for me at times. Have I controlled those urges to sin in God’s eyes? Yes, I have. He wouldn’t be happy in a marriage where we were using birth control. I respect that. I’m not happy in a marriage where he is using porn. I expect him to respect that, and he is not.

What does he say about it? In the past, he says he hates it but keeps going back anyways. He says he’s sorry and that he’ll stop doing it.
Does he think he has a problem?Yes.
What is his faith like? Does he go to confession regularly?Very strong faith. Yes, he does confess regularly.
Does he go to sunday mass?Yes, nearly every week.
Does he feel any guilt or repentance? Guilt, yes. Repentance? Apparently not.

 

[Primox]

Hmm. What a mess.

I think there might be some bad stigma on playing cop. Studies in the social psychological literature show that attitudes follow from behaviour and not the other way around. Therefore, your husband’s attitude that “porn is wrong” is only going to be ever-so mildly correlated with his behaviour not to view it (“porn is wrong” may be a belief, but it isn’t internalized - it isn’t accepted with rigid fidelity - it is only a wish). However, all it takes is steady behavioural modifications before somebody begins to change their attitude and internalize it.

Viewing porn is wrong (half-hearted belief) → Behaviour doesn’t reflect alleged views

But if you net-nanny him and monitor his behaviour:

I don’t watch porn (because the opportunity isn’t there) → I must believe that porn is wrong (belief is internalized)

Who can appreciate the merits of colour that sees in black and white? Bring him to your side whether he wants to be there or not, and he’ll soon see as you do. There’s all too much worry about being the nagging wife. It’s not that you nag, it’s that you love. I would be heart-broken to be made awake to my offences by my wife, if I were in his shoes, but I would love that she cared. We’re told to rebuke our brothers and sisters in Christ; I see no reason this shouldn’t apply to one’s beloved husband.

You’re in my prayers,
God Bless,

 

[whatevergirl]

*Kittery, I’m sorry you’re feeling like you’re ‘fading.’ Here’s the thing, I can only speak for how my husband and I viewed it…and unfortunately, what I think what happens when one views this junk for a while, even if it’s not for long durations, but a few times per week, is that the images somehow get embedded into one’s mind. For me, I viewed it differently, it was something at the time that my dh and I enjoyed…BUT…it distorted how we viewed marital sexuality. We viewed it as mere pleasure. That is the problem with porn. Even after a husband stops viewing it, he might have tainted his thinking of marital sex, and that will take time to recover. I think what happens to some men, is that they eventually have a hard time looking at their wives, as they do the porn stars that they have been viewing. It isn’t that they don’t find their spouses attractive, but on some level, they don’t think of their spouses in the way they view the people in the pornography, and (while that is a good thing), it can SEEM that the porn is replacing the spouse. When really, it isn’t…porn is replacing the spouse’s ability to view sexuality in the way God created it…that is really it.

I couldn’t agree more with the idea of incorporating NFP, if you haven’t already (forgive me if you addressed this, I didn’t read through the last page completely) into your marriage. It takes the focus off of one another, and places it on…what would God want us to do here, how did God create marital sexuality? Yes, of course, we are to experience pleasure with one another, but not apart from unity and procreativity. So, that would be a great start to discussing things with your husband, also.

He must give this up. I completely disagree with the poster who suggests you turn a blind eye to this, as if it’s harmless. It is harmful. It isn’t synonymous with a hobby that all men do. It is a mega million dollar business …a business built on degrading women, and hurting marriages. Marriages have different crosses, right now, view this as a cross. View this as something to get through–TOGETHER. It is technically your husband’s ‘problem,’ but when we become one flesh, our spouses’ issues, becomes ours, too. Try as hard as it might be, to be supportive, but be firm about your stance on it. Your marriage can get past this, if you keep praying and communicating.

I am keeping you both in my prayers…God bless. *

 

[jwashu]

Kittery, as usual WG puts things together in a fantastic fashion, I couldn’t agree more with most of her post.

In what you replied to me I wanted to say that if you guys have discussed this a bunch and he knows you feel this way and how much it hurts then I see that as a problem as well. I was talking to a good friend tonight who is one of the strongest Christians I know. Our discussion was on the difficulty of wandering eyes and thoughts. I know he would NEVER fool around on his wife nor would I on mine but… sometimes it’s difficult and porn doesn’t help. I’m lucky because my wife, perhaps because she is pretty confident that I’m hers hook line and sinker, laughs about it if I make a comment or stop on a skinnamax flick when we flipping channels (I do change the channel quickly of course but have to go eh and smile real big) To get to that point though I believe she had to have no doubts about how much I love her and my commitment.

Part of what I hear you saying, and perhaps the bigger issue for your marriage is that your husband isn’t showing that commitment to you. The porn is an obvious example of that but it’s more than just the porn. The porn may be causing him to lose focus but there could be other things on top of that? work (children if you have any?) money etc… As I believe WG said, I would bet that the issue is not you, rarely is that ever the case. Men are easily distracted at times a lose focus, this snowballs and we wind up hurting the people we love the most.

Again I would suggest some marriage counseling (possibly with your priest) and one of those Catholic Marriage Encounter weekends. When the kids get older we hope to go, not because of issues right now but just because we can always learn to do a little better.

I also believe during those discussing the porn needs to be addressed. If he can’t control it himself then suggest that you guys install a content filter together. K9 is a free content filter made by Blue Coat (that make the most popular one used by many businesses). It’s easly to install and use (you need a 32 bit OS though, not 64 bit - most people have 32 bit so you should be good). I wouldn’t suggest installing it without him knowing but rather after you two have discussed it with your Priest as a little helper. www1.k9webprotection.com/

I’ll be keeping you guys in my prayers.

Sincerely,
Joe

 

[kittery]

Viewing porn is wrong (half-hearted belief) → Behaviour doesn’t reflect alleged views

But if you net-nanny him and monitor his behaviour:

I don’t watch porn (because the opportunity isn’t there) → I must believe that porn is wrong (belief is internalized)
Hmmm. This makes sense to me. Quit tip-toeing around this and cut it down like a dead branch. Let his feelings follow his actions. OK, that could work.

Who can appreciate the merits of colour that sees in black and white? Bring him to your side whether he wants to be there or not, and he’ll soon see as you do. There’s all too much worry about being the nagging wife. *It’s not that you nag, it’s that you love. I would be heart-broken to be made awake to my offences by my wife, if I were in his shoes, but I would love that she cared. *It’s not that I nag, it’s that I love is so profoundly true. Thank you for saying that, I needed to hear it.

We’re told to rebuke our brothers and sisters in Christ; I see no reason this shouldn’t apply to one’s beloved husband.

You’re in my prayers,
God Bless,

 

[eichenb2]

You are probably not going to like my advice, but I think you should work on making peace with the fact that your husband looks at porn from time to time and learning not to get that in the way of your sex life with him.

It would be a big problem if he spent hours on it, if he stored large amounts of it on his computer, or if he was into some particularly perverted subtype of porn.

It might be hard to come to terms with, but he probably will not be able to completely stop. Probably only a very small percentage of sexually functioning men never look at porn.

Your husband is a sinner, as are all of us. I can see how it can be hurtful if he looks at pictures of other women, but remember any time you are watching a tv show or a movie you are looking at images of men many of whom are sexually attractive and if your sex drive is normal you probably get aroused by them even if they are not naked.

FYI I am a woman, and I would also prefer that my partner did not look at porn. But I just don’t think it’s realistic to expect it considering how available it is and how tempting. A lot of how it affects your marriage is your attitude to it. You don’t have to let it become this huge thing that destroys your sex life. There are certainly situations where it does destroy it, like if the guy spends hours on it, looks at sick stuff etc. But the kind of thing you are describing seems pretty normal for a young man today and I would try to learn to accept it and love and want him despite his imperfections.

Pornography is of the devil and it will seek to destroy any spiritual good of this man, along with his marriage and family. One must NOT compromise with evil!

 

[newbetx]

Kittery, I recommend a filter as an aid. But I suggest that he agree with you installing it first so that you are being truthful and he accepting of the problem. Tough discussion to have, I realize. Make sure it works with all the browsers you have on your computer. Some don’t work with everything. I learned that the hard way. Here you think you are protecting your kids and they find a way around “the problem with Internet Explorer not finding some websites.”

Secondly. Have you been to marriage enrichment? Has he rejected Theology of the Body? I know it was the doctrine that turned me around. I walked away from those habits almost 4 years ago and have no intention to go back although I can’t say temptation hasn’t found it’s way into my mind. It might work for him, too. Personal results, I’m sorry to say, vary.

Peace to you.

 

[eichenb2]

Thank you, WG.

He is a Roman Catholic, born and raised. He is very traditional. I’m a convert of 6 years.

This is it’s own “can of worms”. We have used NFP during our entire marriage. No artificial methods of any kinds have even been considered/talked about. After our second was born, I went back to school and have been TTA for the last 3 years. After the first year of charting, I quit charting altogether because I didn’t need to know much. He wasn’t all that interested in sex with me. Although he would rarely turn me down, I know the cold shoulder, facing the other wall, staying up late to watch tv, all those non-verbal clues into his disinterest, all too well. If he would come after me on a day that I KNEW was fertile, I’d let him know then. But that didn’t happen very often at all.
NFP has never been something that I would say has brought us closer or improved our relationship. To me, that’s an ideal or even a myth.

It is too bad he is not faithful, instead of “traditional”.