Marital Obligations

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Wow. I am not a Catholic. I am not even religious. So arguably I don’t really have anything to contribute here. However, my mind is truly boggled! It seems from what I have read that this topic is somewhat contentious among Catholics, but the whole concept is new and bizarre and, quite honestly, rather distasteful to me. “Obligation”? “Debt”? My husband and I just have sex as and when we both want it. I certainly wouldn’t demand sex or expect sex to be demanded of me if “one person is sick or suffering pain, enough to actually limit their mobility”. Under those circumstances, I think we’d either not have sex at all or, if we both still wanted it, we’d try to work around the problem. I’m sure you can use your imagination… Anyway, I am here to learn about Catholicism, and I have certainly learned something that was completely new to me!
 
Irishmom2 said:
It’s really only contentious for a few people.😉
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LumineDiei said:
That’s the case for most Catholics…but you will always have a few people, as you do in any faith or no faith, that seem to think they are “owed” sex whenever they want.
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Okay, so for most people this is not a part of Catholic life? I am not saying that I am actually necessarily going to end up becoming Catholic, but if I did, I wouldn’t want to follow a religion that said that I had to give my husband sex on demand or that I could demand it from him (though I guess if he were not Catholic, the obligation/debt would not apply to him anyway). Not that my husband would want to have sex with me just because I was under an obligation to give it to him.

Actually, the more I think about it, the weirder this becomes for me. For me, the whole point of sex is that it’s something two people want to do together. If you make sex an obligation or a debt, isn’t that basically the same as rape? E.g.:

My husband: It’s not too early to go to bed…
Me: I’m really not interested in sex right now, I’d rather do a jigsaw puzzle.
My husband: I can see that, but you are obliged to have sex with me. You owe it to me.
Me: Oh, okay, I really don’t want to do this, but I suppose I have to.
My husband: There’s a good girl. Off to bed with you.
Me: Just so you know, I really don’t want to do this. I am only doing it because I have to.
My husband: That’s okay, as long as I get what I want in the end.

If there are Catholics who think this way, I am truly sorry, and I hope that they really are in a minority. What with this and the thread about women wearing neckties, I think I have stumbled upon a couple of odd threads on here already!
Tis_Bearself said:
If you really want to learn about Catholicism, might I suggest you read the book “Catholicism for Dummies”?
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Thanks, I’ll look this volume up.
 
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EmilyAlexandra said:
I wouldn’t want to follow a religion that said that I had to give my husband sex on demand or that I could demand it from him
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That is NOT Church teaching in any way, shape or form.

If you really want to learn about Catholicism, might I suggest you read the book “Catholicism for Dummies”? Please understand I am NOT saying or implying you’re a dummy. It is part of the “For Dummies” series of basic guides. It will give you a good overview of Catholic beliefs. We recommend it a lot to people who are just wanting to learn.

Like I said, this forum gets a lot of fringe/ esoteric questions or stuff that’s not the norm. It may not be the best place to get an overview of basic, normal Catholicism.
 
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Sorry you don’t have the time to “dive into theology and absorb the catechism like a sponge.” Not many of us do. Thank goodness for this site!
But do you have time to be nice? A thoughtful and considerate human being? That would be a great start 🙂
 
One does not need to have sex with their spouse every time they ask for it. It just is not right to continually deny your spouse for no good reason.

I think a little common sense goes a long way in this matter. “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you”

And as another pointed out, I also have never heard anyone other than people on this forum use the term “Marital debt” I am not saying that it is wrong, but I can see how people can get the wrong impression of what Catholics believe about sex and marriage.
 
EmilyAlexandra said:
If you make sex an obligation or a debt, isn’t that basically the same as rape?
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No… I think you will not understand the point without getting a firm grip on the anthropology which underlies the traditional and constant Catholic understanding of the purposes of marriage and sexual activity… And it’s easy to imagine “weird “ scenarios, as you do in your example, but common sense also indicates that spouses sign up to give what the other needs… as long as it’s reasonable…
 
I have to say I’m confused. Maybe I missed a clarifying post, but…is the OP a husband who is injured to the point of immobility and being pressured by his wife to have sex in spite of the injury? Or is the OP a non-injured husband who wants justification in pressuring his injured wife to have sex in spite of the injury? Or is this all just a hypothetical…? And…is the OP indeed a husband or is the OP the wife? Sorry, I’m just kinda in a head spin.
 
I assumed the OP was the wife facing pressure from her husband. But maybe I have it wrong. Others seem to be presuming the OP is a husband pressuring his wife. (And maybe that’s not it either.)
 
I just went back through to see why I thought what I did, but I don’t see it. Of course, the OP carefully worded their posts, but the username seems to be male. 🥴
 
Marital rape is a real issue that is very sad and many people suffer through.

Arguing a theological point of obligation to have sexual gratification at the expense of one’s (sick or otherwise) spouse is sickening.

These are physical, mental, spiritual, and emotional connections between spouses. If the physical connection is off the table due to sickness or simply saying no, there are other bonds such as mental, spiritual, and emotional which can be strengthened in the meantime.
 
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RolandThompsonGunner said:
Quite a low bar.
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I didn’t mean for it to come across that way. Sorry if it did. I’ve just participated in so many threads where the husband demands sex when his wife has very good reasons to say no—just given birth, afraid of another pregnancy after several NFP failures—and men justifying pornography because men have needs that women don’t understand.
 
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EmilyAlexandra said:
Obligation”? “Debt”?
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I can see why this idea is strange when you first encounter it 🙂

But the idea is that sex should be a loving act, and not a bargaining chip, or to use withholding sex to manipulate your partner.

In other words, don’t be a jerk to your spouse.
 
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