P
Ponyguy
Guest
We have long-standing marital problems.
I’m 70 years old, wife is 68.
After one of my several spine surgeries, I was laid off from my career in corporate research in 1994, and was forced into disability retirement in 1995. I don’t like being retired; I was much happier when I had a job to do. I’m dealing with health problems stemming from several unsuccessful lumbar spine surgeries; I’ve had both hips replaced in the past year; I had a heart attack followed by a quad bypass in 2007. Walking is laborious at the present.
My wife has never worked outside the house for more than a few weeks at a time. We married in June, 1969. We have two grown sons, and because my wife wanted (closer to “demanded”) a daughter, we adopted our 27 year-old daughter (at birth) who has mental difficulties (FAE/FAS) and still lives with us, likely a permanent situation. My wife is seen periodically by psychiatrist for a number of issues relating primarily to depression, I believe. She takes doses of Remeron daily and Trazodone when she feels like it .
In June, 2001, we began some counseling sessions at a counseling center, until my wife refused to continue going, “due to what it cost.” Personally, I think she quit because she didn’t want to believe that she and I really had problems, but the reality was beginning to become evident.
Our differences revolve around money, to a great extent, along with her immature behavior; she wants things that we simply cannot afford, (like a second, winter home in Arizona) and refuses to understand the concept of fiscal prudence. Our combined income from Social Security and my >$500 monthly pension is barely adequate to make our mortgage payment and pay bills. I am frequently forced to dip into our savings, which have now dwindled to about a single month’s income.
My wife usually stays in bed sleeping until past noon, sometimes past 1:00PM. She stays up until well past 3.00AM because “she isn’t tired yet.” Particularly during this brutal winter, she obsesses over the weather, complaining and exaggerating about the cold, the snow, the wind, or in the summer, the heat. Currently, she wraps herself in a blanket whenever she sits down, even to eat. If it’s cloudy outdoors, she sits in front of a therapy lamp box because she says she has S.A.D. I haven’t seen any positive results, however. My wife behaves childishly, essentially throwing a silent tantrum or whining and complaining until she gets what she wants. She doesn’t believe that we really have any problems; if I just do what she wants, and give her what she demands, regardless of what it entails, there won’t be anything wrong.
I hate to say this, but in years past, I’ve consulted a few attorneys to see just what my options might be if I chose to end the marriage; from what I’ve been told, I don’t have any realistic choices. In Illinois, I’ve been advised that during a dissolution of marriage, a wife always gets the marital house, car, children and spousal support, particularly if she has no other source of income. One of the lawyers I consulted told me he had almost a dozen “marital dissolution” cases in my county where the men had to forfeit everything they had, and he was appealing all of them… at a lot of expense to the men. I simply can’t afford that. One smart-Alec lawyer who I talked with, even said “You’d be better off if you were dead.” I’m beginning to agree with him.
I made a promise to God and my wife 44 years ago to love, honor, respect, etc. That promise is getting to be a bigger burden than I’m able to carry.
So, in reality, just what can I do?
I’m 70 years old, wife is 68.
After one of my several spine surgeries, I was laid off from my career in corporate research in 1994, and was forced into disability retirement in 1995. I don’t like being retired; I was much happier when I had a job to do. I’m dealing with health problems stemming from several unsuccessful lumbar spine surgeries; I’ve had both hips replaced in the past year; I had a heart attack followed by a quad bypass in 2007. Walking is laborious at the present.
My wife has never worked outside the house for more than a few weeks at a time. We married in June, 1969. We have two grown sons, and because my wife wanted (closer to “demanded”) a daughter, we adopted our 27 year-old daughter (at birth) who has mental difficulties (FAE/FAS) and still lives with us, likely a permanent situation. My wife is seen periodically by psychiatrist for a number of issues relating primarily to depression, I believe. She takes doses of Remeron daily and Trazodone when she feels like it .
In June, 2001, we began some counseling sessions at a counseling center, until my wife refused to continue going, “due to what it cost.” Personally, I think she quit because she didn’t want to believe that she and I really had problems, but the reality was beginning to become evident.
Our differences revolve around money, to a great extent, along with her immature behavior; she wants things that we simply cannot afford, (like a second, winter home in Arizona) and refuses to understand the concept of fiscal prudence. Our combined income from Social Security and my >$500 monthly pension is barely adequate to make our mortgage payment and pay bills. I am frequently forced to dip into our savings, which have now dwindled to about a single month’s income.
My wife usually stays in bed sleeping until past noon, sometimes past 1:00PM. She stays up until well past 3.00AM because “she isn’t tired yet.” Particularly during this brutal winter, she obsesses over the weather, complaining and exaggerating about the cold, the snow, the wind, or in the summer, the heat. Currently, she wraps herself in a blanket whenever she sits down, even to eat. If it’s cloudy outdoors, she sits in front of a therapy lamp box because she says she has S.A.D. I haven’t seen any positive results, however. My wife behaves childishly, essentially throwing a silent tantrum or whining and complaining until she gets what she wants. She doesn’t believe that we really have any problems; if I just do what she wants, and give her what she demands, regardless of what it entails, there won’t be anything wrong.
I hate to say this, but in years past, I’ve consulted a few attorneys to see just what my options might be if I chose to end the marriage; from what I’ve been told, I don’t have any realistic choices. In Illinois, I’ve been advised that during a dissolution of marriage, a wife always gets the marital house, car, children and spousal support, particularly if she has no other source of income. One of the lawyers I consulted told me he had almost a dozen “marital dissolution” cases in my county where the men had to forfeit everything they had, and he was appealing all of them… at a lot of expense to the men. I simply can’t afford that. One smart-Alec lawyer who I talked with, even said “You’d be better off if you were dead.” I’m beginning to agree with him.
I made a promise to God and my wife 44 years ago to love, honor, respect, etc. That promise is getting to be a bigger burden than I’m able to carry.
So, in reality, just what can I do?
