Marital Problems

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strings385

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Okay, so I have a dilemma. My wife and I have been getting into fights & arguments on & off for about the past 2 years, ever since I had my conversion. Well, today it really got heated. She says that I pay too much attention to religion and that I talk about it too much. She says that I pay more attention to my faith than I do to her and the kids. I don’t see it. I feel that I give them plenty of attention, I just keep God first place in all things. My wife says that she’s jealous of God and that she should come first and God second. I told her that if you put God first everything else will fall into place. She doesn’t want to hear it. She is Catholic as well, but we’re not on the same page spiritually speaking. Am I doing or saying something wrong? Have any of you ever encountered a similar problem in your marriages? Do u have any recommendations? God bless!
 
My question would be, are you fulfilling your vocation as a husband?

When you say you put God first, does that mean that you don’t do anything around the house? Or is it that God is on your mind as you go about your tasks?

When you say you put God first, does that mean you spend every waking moment at Church? Or that you have a prayerful life?

I guess I am asking for some details of how you put God first.
 
I feel that I am fulfilling my vocation as a husband. God is always on my mind as I go about my tasks. And other than Mass on Sunday & Holy Days no. I would say I lead a prayerful life.
 
strings385 said:
I feel that I am fulfilling my vocation as a husband. God is always on my mind as I go about my tasks. And other than Mass on Sunday & Holy Days no. I would say I lead a prayerful life.
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Sounds like she needs to give you some examples of how you are, in her opinion, neglecting the family.

And then you need to discuss it.

Communication is the key.
 
strings385 said:
Okay, so I have a dilemma. My wife and I have been getting into fights & arguments on & off for about the past 2 years, ever since I had my conversion. Well, today it really got heated. She says that I pay too much attention to religion and that I talk about it too much. She says that I pay more attention to my faith than I do to her and the kids. I don’t see it. I feel that I give them plenty of attention, I just keep God first place in all things. My wife says that she’s jealous of God and that she should come first and God second. I told her that if you put God first everything else will fall into place. She doesn’t want to hear it. She is Catholic as well, but we’re not on the same page spiritually speaking. Am I doing or saying something wrong? Have any of you ever encountered a similar problem in your marriages? Do u have any recommendations? God bless!
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My wife and I went through something like this a very long time ago, though we have not had issues like this in quite a long time. I don’t really know what the root of the problem is, but here are some guesses, which may be right or may be wrong:
  • Perhaps your wife feels left out because there is someone (God) besides her who is very important to you. She wants to be the most important thing in your life, and now she feels that she is not.
  • Perhaps when your wife sees you being serious about your faith, it makes her feel guilty for not being serious about her own faith. As long as you are no more serious about your faith than she is about hers, then she feels good about herself, because she doesn’t see anyone doing better or more than what she is doing. But when she has a constant reminder that she could be (and perhaps should be) doing much more, it makes her angry, and she takes it out on you. Perhaps subconsciously she wishes that you were not so religious, so that she would not feel bad about her own lower level of religiosity, and so she blames you.
Again, these are just pure speculation. I don’t know enough about the situation to know whether I am anywhere near being right. And even if my guesses are right, I really don’t know what to recommend that you do, other than to regularly go out of your way to show your wife how important she is to you.
 
Love God and her through your actions rather than talking about how great you are and how right the Catholic Church is.
 
strings385 said:
Okay, so I have a dilemma. My wife and I have been getting into fights & arguments on & off for about the past 2 years, ever since I had my conversion. Well, today it really got heated. She says that I pay too much attention to religion and that I talk about it too much. She says that I pay more attention to my faith than I do to her and the kids. I don’t see it. I feel that I give them plenty of attention, I just keep God first place in all things. My wife says that she’s jealous of God and that she should come first and God second. I told her that if you put God first everything else will fall into place. She doesn’t want to hear it. She is Catholic as well, but we’re not on the same page spiritually speaking. Am I doing or saying something wrong? Have any of you ever encountered a similar problem in your marriages? Do u have any recommendations? God bless!
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Why not try as much as you can to talk less with her about your faith, since it’s an area of tension leading to intense, heated arguments? Can you find a male friend who is “on the same page” as you insofar as issues of faith that you can talk to about your faith?

I know this is your life, now, and it’s probably difficult to avoid discussing it. You probably have a need to talk about it…if not with her, with someone. Why not consider trying to find another outlet for that so it doesn’t hurt your marriage.

Can you reassure her? Can you spend more time with her and the kids to let her know you still care? Are you going out together once a week, as a couple? How often do you talk? How much time do you spend with the kids?

Can you work on your relationship? It is like a garden, that needs constant weeding, watering and pruning.

God does come first, but God wants us to tend to our families.

Could you ask your wife what, specifically, she would like you to do together…as a couple and a family, that you’re not. Listen to this and try to work with her on this.
 
One other thing that was helpful to me is if you explain your relation with God not as one where He is in between you two.
Sometimes we worry the other sees the relationship as a possible 3rd party that may interfere (Man <-> God <-> woman ). In this “flat” arrangement there is a possibility for God has a chance of being an impediment.
Instead of explaining whether God or your wife comes first try explaining it as a triangle I which God’s love is a part of your love for her.
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I know this helped me over one of my concerns.
 
Is your wife really converted to her own faith, does she show any real interest in Jesus Christ and the Church. I s she involved in any Christian activity. Does she share the faith with the children? Can you discern some level of depth that she has towards her faith? My wife and I share, even though I am more deeply interested in my Faith. than she gives evidence of, but she has her own personal level of faith, and spirituality. I know that sometimes I bore her about my beliefs and she may desire to talk about other things. We do believe very strongly that the success of our marriage depends on God, and our co-operation with His will for us. He is definitely at the center of our marriage. To be jealous of God doesn’t sound right to me. It may be that you may be a bit more obsessive about your faith than she is, and she feels it. Being a convert sometimes tends to show more exhuberance for the faith, than one who is a cradle catholic eg. Can you dialogue with her in a peaceful way, and exchange each others feelings and beliefs. We should appreciate each others beliefs, and differences May you have the peace of the Lord in your marriage.
 
her first and God second? She told you what’s in her heart right there.

So, move out, and pray!
 
gambling88 said:
Love God and her through your actions rather than talking about how great you are and how right the Catholic Church is.
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I think this is right on point. First ok fine you had a conversion but you can’t beat her over the head with it. Be quiet about it. Live your life according to your faith but don’t constantly dwell on it or force her to do the same as you. Second, IMO you aren’t putting God first if you aren’t doing your duty as a husband. If you get divorced that isn’t exactly putting God first. Now obviously I don’t know the situation but there is obviously something wrong or something that she feels you are neglecting that you need to address. You have to address her feelings you can’t just say “I don’t see it” and move on. Women aren’t like that.

Bottom line I think is you have to do some self reflecting about what you’re doing and what you’re not doing. Talk to her as to what it is you’re not doing and try to address. Now obviously if she wants you to do something against your faith then thats different. But you can’t say she is second to anyone. She has to FEEL that she is #1 in your life because remember you aren’t putting God first if you’re neglecting something in your marriage.
 
You are not loving her as she needs to be loved. We all have different love languages. If we are not “spoken to” or loved in the correct love language it is hard for us to be a loving person. We need to “communicate” with the people we love in their love language - not how we think they need to be loved. I base this on the book The 5 Love Languages - which both my wife and I read. We now know how to properly love each other.
 
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