Marital Relations...how often is "normal"?

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Convert_in_99

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Our marriage is troubled, so we are having practically no marital relations right now. But, I was wondering as we (hopefully!) repair our relationship, how often can I expect to have marital relations? I am 31 my husband 35, we have no children. He works 50+ hours a week, I work part time. I am almost always the initiator, and have always had a higher drive than DH, which I know is uncommon for the woman. So I don’t want to expect too much, but also want to engage in relations often enough to help strengthen our marriage.
 
I will tell you that there is no such thing as “normal” numbers when it comes to sex. It is entirely up to the couple, and the frequency will change depending upon so many factors. With lots of hours spent working, and stress from that, the desire for sex may decrease. With problems between the two of you that remain unresolved, the desire may plummet.

There are some married couples that have sex 5-6 days a week, every week, until they are literally unable to perform any more. Then there are some who have sex maybe once a month and aren’t upset by it. The “norm” is YOUR norm, and again, it can fluctuate so much through different times and seasons.

But, if one of you is feeling deprived, this can lead to problems, as you already know. I hope that you can get into counseling to help work through your issues, because always yearning for more closeness is not healthy to any marriage.
 
I suggest you foster intimacy…the embrace will follow.

Personally I have been be more concerned when my marriage lacked intimacy - when we attended to intimacy the embrace followed.
 
Totally depends on what the couple wants. If you want to have sex almost every night and your husband is happy with once a month, you’re going to have conflict. My husband and I are about the same age as you and your husband. My husband works 50 hours a week and I stay home with four (almost five) little kids. For us, when I’m not pregnant, sex needs to happen at least three times per week for my husband to feel okay. When we use NFP We do it during “safe” times more to prepare for our two weeks of abstinence. I’d probably be fine with once a week, and he’d love it every day. Three days per week is the compromise that works for us. Seasons of life change so I’m sure this will adjust as time passes.
 
Convert_in_99 said:
Our marriage is troubled, so we are having practically no marital relations right now. … I am almost always the initiator, and have always had a higher drive than DH, which I know is uncommon for the woman. So I don’t want to expect too much, but also want to engage in relations often enough to help strengthen our marriage.
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“Normal” is to each couple. The important part is that **as a couple **you should be making a decision on what is desirable to both of you.

Maybe your desires are not uncommon for women. Maybe your husband has a health issue, emotional issue, or stress issue. Maybe it is his lessen desires that are more uncommon than most men. Maybe a health physical could be helpful, along with healthy diet and exercise and enough hours of sleep each night.

Try to make time every day for intimacy, maybe even just 15 minutes. It does not have to be marital relations, just very intimate time. Some couples share 15 minutes of skin to skin every day. It might even be nice to relax in the tub or shower together.

Learning how to talk with each other about your sexual relationship and intimacy is very important.

A Worldwide Marriage Encounter Weekend is a wonderful and safe way to enrich your marriage. The Presenting Team Couples share with you about their marriage, their ups and downs. God puts you on the right weekend, with the right presenting team giving the right talks that help you and your spouse. There is a lot of prayer that goes on before and during the weekend, that helps bring everyone together at the right time.

Invite your dear husband to attend a weekend. Maybe today you can begin praying about attending a weekend.

wwme.org/learn-more.html

Worldwide Marriage Encounter Weekends

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The Weekend format helps couples communicate openly and honestly, without any group sharing, therapy or marriage counseling.

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Although your conversations are private between you and your spouse, seeing other couples striving for a better relationship makes it easier for you also to be open to your spouse.
 
Convert_in_99 said:
Our marriage is troubled, so we are having practically no marital relations right now. But, I was wondering as we (hopefully!) repair our relationship, how often can I expect to have marital relations? I am 31 my husband 35, we have no children. He works 50+ hours a week, I work part time. I am almost always the initiator, and have always had a higher drive than DH, which I know is uncommon for the woman. So I don’t want to expect too much, but also want to engage in relations often enough to help strengthen our marriage.
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This question is something you should be asking a marriage counselor, not something to be posted on the internet.
I would strongly advise that you both jointly maake an appointment with one of your parish priests and have him recommend to you both, a good Catholic marriage counseler. It could very well save your marriage.
Vis-a-vie your original question, with your husband working 50+ hours a week, you should realize that he is physically and emotionally wiped out when he gets home, and romance and/or sexual relations are the furthest thing from his mind. It has nothing to do with you, he is just wiped out.
I saw this in my own family, growing up. My father was a hotel Chef d’Cuisine and my mother was a stay at home mom. In those days, hotel Chefs and Bakers in resort hotels, worked 80+ hours a week, with no day off. When I was growing up, papa had already gone to work by the time I woke up each morning and I was already in bed when he came home at night.
Eventually, this eroded the relationship between my parents and ultimately distroyed their marriage. Because, in those days (the late 1940’s), it was unthinkable for Catholics to seek out a psychologist or a marriage counseler.
 
Convert_in_99 said:
Our marriage is troubled, so we are having practically no marital relations right now. But, I was wondering as we (hopefully!) repair our relationship, how often can I expect to have marital relations? I am 31 my husband 35, we have no children. He works 50+ hours a week, I work part time. I am almost always the initiator, and have always had a higher drive than DH, which I know is uncommon for the woman. So I don’t want to expect too much, but also want to engage in relations often enough to help strengthen our marriage.
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Sorry, but per se, it is not abnormal for a wife to have a sex drive, a libido that can be higher than the husband. This type of mentality about the lack of libido of wife or a low libido is wrong, this manner of thinking comes from past mentalities about the sexuality of wife (Roman civilization, victorian time, puritan time…etc): the sexism from men, the philosophy of machism…etc. Why rare and uncommon? The society is strange when she is talking about the libido of wife!!! Why!!!

By principle, you have the right of asking for the marital request of the conjugal union of bodies, and the husband has the natural moral obligation to say yes. What are his reasons for saying no or for not being at the initiative??? His reasons are objective, real, present, serious or grave, fair??? His “no”, is it a pretext???

What is his first devotion? Does he know the notion of the marital debt? You are rights,* he has obligations*??? Does he have medical issues, moral issues, emotional issues…???* A medical check up???*

Too much work??? Too much professionnal activities??? The moderation in the job is important???
 
My wife’s not as interested as she used to be . . . once every two weeks, maybe? Everyone’s tired, instead, working, household work, etc. I’d prefer a different schedule.
 
Captain_America said:
My wife’s not as interested as she used to be . . . once every two weeks, maybe? Everyone’s tired, instead, working, household work, etc. I’d prefer a different schedule.
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Captain, You two can make a different schedule… a different schedule for work, housework, things that makes “everyone tired”… this gives the two of you a different schedule for intimacy, romance, sexual love.

Give yourselves time for each other every day, for sharing of yourselves. Worldwide Marriage Encounter is a weekend to reconnect or rekindle your life as a couple - outside of work and household work - to simply put your life as a couple back as a priority of your Sacrament of Matrimony.

Invite your beautiful wife to attend a weekend just for the two of you… no work… no household work… no computers… just a gift of you to her and a gift of her to you.

wwme.org/
 
There’s no one right answer as to what you can “expect.” this varies from couple to couple, and will usually vary throughout your lifetimes. I know couples who do it several times a week, and others who are virtually abstinent. Everything from stress, work, kids, different schedules, health, etc. all play a role. If you guys aren’t on the same page, try to communicate well, be respectful and compromise, and see a counselor if that doesn’t work.
 
fpt said:
Sorry, but per se, it is not abnormal for a wife to have a sex drive, a libido that can be higher than the husband. This type of mentality about the lack of libido of wife or a low libido is wrong, this manner of thinking comes from past mentalities about the sexuality of wife (Roman civilization, victorian time, puritan time…etc): the sexism from men, the philosophy of machism…etc. Why rare and uncommon? The society is strange when she is talking about the libido of wife!!! Why!!!

By principle, you have the right of asking for the marital request of the conjugal union of bodies, and the husband has the natural moral obligation to say yes. What are his reasons for saying no or for not being at the initiative??? His reasons are objective, real, present, serious or grave, fair??? His “no”, is it a pretext???

What is his first devotion? Does he know the notion of the marital debt? You are rights,* he has obligations*??? Does he have medical issues, moral issues, emotional issues…???* A medical check up???*

Too much work??? Too much professionnal activities??? The moderation in the job is important???
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fpt is speaking truth here.
 
hurting said:
fpt is speaking truth here.
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Yes, but my husband isn’t Catholic so he doesn’t understand the seriousness of carrying out certain church teachings. He has been trying harder lately. Usually not initiating, but he is not rejecting my initiation as much. But it still is far from regular. It used to be regular per HIS initiation. It has just changed a lot for some reason. I really think it is all the long hours he puts into his job. He often works from home in addition to the long hours at work. I have peeked in on him and he really is working all that time. He cannot change to a different job because he works for a company that has GREAT health care benefits. They even cover my mental health therapies and medications. Not all insurances do that. He hates this job, but he sees no alternative since I have been quite sick on and off. This is why I am trying to cut him some slack, but I know we are far from “normal” or “regular” here. Our marriage is in a rough spot so I believe more frequent marital relations could really help us out some. 🤷
 
I find it very difficult to love my wife in that way when I do not feel loving toward her. We all have our spats, and maybe harsh words. Those dampen the ardor, so to speak, at least for me.

In other words, I am not sure that his reluctance to initiate is not related to whatever else is causing your present marital issues. I would be working on that, as hard as possible, and maybe then you will see the fire light itself back up.
 
. . . I guess it’s once every three weeks. There’s just so much going on and we’ve got so much to do and rest at the end of the day is a damn fine idea.

I’m a bit of a heretic to the zeitgeist when I say I think there are finer things to do than sex.

Ain’t much interested in self-gratification or an affair, etc. Doesn’t do much for me.
 
Convert_in_99 said:
Yes, but my husband isn’t Catholic so he doesn’t understand the seriousness of carrying out certain church teachings. He has been trying harder lately. Usually not initiating, but he is not rejecting my initiation as much. But it still is far from regular. It used to be regular per HIS initiation. It has just changed a lot for some reason. I really think it is all the long hours he puts into his job. He often works from home in addition to the long hours at work. I have peeked in on him and he really is working all that time. He cannot change to a different job because he works for a company that has GREAT health care benefits. They even cover my mental health therapies and medications. Not all insurances do that. He hates this job, but he sees no alternative since I have been quite sick on and off. This is why I am trying to cut him some slack, but I know we are far from “normal” or “regular” here. Our marriage is in a rough spot so I believe more frequent marital relations could really help us out some. 🤷
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I think you’re just going to have to lump it and figure that eventually the situation will change. The benefits sound great.
 
I think it’s really misleading out there that “men have high sex drives and women have low sex drives”. In our marriage, I’m the one with a higher drive (not by a lot) and he’s not yet comfortable with initiating, although he’s getting there.

As for frequency? Anything from multiple times a day to a few times a month is “normal”. It’s a normal for YOU, not what the rest of the world is doing. We go through times when we realize that we haven’t had much intimate time and then we MAKE time for intimacy, even if it’s just naked cuddling. I could go months without an orgasm, but I couldn’t go months without cuddling. Normally we’re 2-3 times week except when abstaining for fertile times.
 
Captain_America said:
. . . I guess it’s once every three weeks. There’s just so much going on and we’ve got so much to do and rest at the end of the day is a damn fine idea.

I’m a bit of a heretic to the zeitgeist when I say I think there are finer things to do than sex.

Ain’t much interested in self-gratification or an affair, etc. Doesn’t do much for me.
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*The sexual harmony of the marital act is one of hard cores of the marriage.

The marital act is a duty, an obligation, a right for each one. Each member of the couple has to listen the sexual hopes, the sexual desires, the sexual expectations, the sexual wishes, the sexual needs, the sexual wills, the sexual vows, the sexual requests of the other, in the respect of the natural moral order of the intentionality and of the materiality of the marital act.

The creative abstinence is possible during the times where the couple does not want to practice the marital act: the conjugal physical love without sex is possible with the physical tenderness, in the respect of catholic morality.

The romantism, the marital act, the expectation of the other about the love are the first devotions.*
 
I agree that there is no “normal”. However I think we are all able to recognize abnormal when we see it. For me, after 12 years of marriage and 4 kids our average is 2-3 times per month. Some more, some less. It’ really always been that way. If it were up to me it would be 3 times per week or so. I’m pretty sure my wife could care less if we ever did, but she does it for me. She is just tired a lot.
 
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