Marrage Obligation

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pierced77

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My question has two parts.
  1. Is there anything wrong with one turning to their Catholic friends about specific struggles they have with their spouse? I’m not talking about husband/wife bashing more like turning to friends for support/advice. My wife and I have different views on this. One of us feels that a line is crossed when one shares specifics about their spouse or marrage. The other feels that this type of conversation can be healthy.
  2. Is it gossip or a betrayal of frindship for one to share with their spouse what their friend confides in them? Again my wife and I share different views on this topic. One of us feels that we are “one” and should feel free to share everything. The other believes it is a betrayal of the friendship.
 
#1) Yes, it’s a bad idea to discuss your spouse with friends, especially if they are mutual friends.

#2) It is not wrong to share things told to you by a friend. It is wrong to share things if you were asked not to. If you agree to listen in confidence, it is wrong to share it with anyone *including *your spouse.
 
Sharing about the partner and the marriage outside the relationship can be helpful or can also lead to complaining or gossip and in that case is unhelpful and can increase dissatisfaction by reinforcement from others’ comments and reactions.

However, though some wives and husbands do find it sometimes helpful to discuss issues with others, I wonder if it’s that case that one of you has strong objections to sharing with other married friends, that perhaps it would be kinder and wiser towards the other partner to speak to professional counsellors together or to one’s priest (also bound by confidentiality) rather than to go into discussion with friends.

It can be helpful to have the company and support and sometimes the wise advice of others, but it is important to protect trust in the marriage where one partner may ‘feel betrayed’. There are marriages where a failure to share with others who may provide and helpful advice can lead to harm, but I feel that you may be simply considering the matter of mutual trust as the significant part of your question.

God bless you and your spouse in your communication and your mutual relationship.
 
Regarding sharing others’ confidences with one’s spouse…I believe that one should honour the confidence. It belongs to the other person, spoken in trust and is a personal responsibility. There is no guarantee that one’s spouse may not mention it to a trusted individual, and thus the information begins to spread.

I believe that if one wishes to pass on the confidence to one’s spouse, one should ask courteously if the person sharing the confidence minds if one may share only with ones’ spouse. If the person agrees, it’s acceptable, but if they do not, one should respect the confidence. We are ‘one’ with our spouse, but we have responsibilities to our brothers and sisters of this world also.

I do know that nothing I ever say privately to my husband ever goes past him, but he would not expect me to break someone’s trust. If it were a serious matter where secrecy would result in someone’s grave danger, in that case our responsibility to protect another’s secret may be overridden.
Where our children confidences are concerned, sharing with our spouses can be very important.

More often that not, others’ confidences aren’t relevant to our spouse or our life and to share them is basically to gossip.
 
pierced77 said:
My question has two parts.
  1. Is there anything wrong with one turning to their Catholic friends about specific struggles they have with their spouse? I’m not talking about husband/wife bashing more like turning to friends for support/advice. My wife and I have different views on this. One of us feels that a line is crossed when one shares specifics about their spouse or marrage. The other feels that this type of conversation can be healthy.
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I agree that a line is crossed. There are plenty of alternatives if things get that bad or if the marriage needs an impartial third party. Otherwise, the best bet is to talk to the spouse directly. Having conversations with others just tends to exacerbate the problem. JMHO.
  1. Is it gossip or a betrayal of frindship for one to share with their spouse what their friend confides in them? Again my wife and I share different views on this topic. One of us feels that we are “one” and should feel free to share everything. The other believes it is a betrayal of the friendship.
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It’s only a betrayal of friendship if the friend spoke in confidence. Again, JMHO.
 
1ke said:
#1) Yes, it’s a bad idea to discuss your spouse with friends, especially if they are mutual friends.

#2) It is not wrong to share things told to you by a friend. It is wrong to share things if you were asked not to. If you agree to listen in confidence, it is wrong to share it with anyone *including *your spouse.
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I agree with 1ke. With #1 if you need to talk with someone I would suggest a priest/spiritual advisor.
With #2 some times it might be beneficial to share some info with the spouse (if the friend did not ask to not share it). Other times, even if the friend didn’t ask, it might not be a good idea to share if the reason to share is “gossipy”.
 
I don’t know about this one… I really think I’m still married after 2 years because I had a close girlfriend I could confide in and ask, “Is this normal for married couples?” I was often angry at my DH and she would calm me down and tell me when I was being unreasonable. My parents and grandparents were my only examples of married couples – couples who never fought and were on extremely good behavior all the time. I had no idea what to do with conflicts with my husband until I confided in my friend and she guided me as a new wife. Kind of like a mentoring relationship.
 
Sometimes other people’s advice can be helpful. However, if the problem involves another person you should always ask that other person if it is OK to share this story.

So, to answer your specific questions
#1, if either spouse is uncomfortable with sharing marriage intimacies with others, then don’t. Period.

#2. I always share everything with my husband. But, I make sure my friends know this. I will tell them as they talk…remember, I tell my husband everything, so make sure you don’t tell me anything you wouldn’t want him to know. That way I can tell my husband, without feeling guilty.
 
Actually it is both gossip and betrayal of friendship to your spouse. As much as we want to vent to our friends or ask for advice that is crossing the line and is a big no no. If you need to talk about it talk to the one who is your spouse. Look up the definition of gossip in the dictionary. 😉
 
#1. Depending on what the issue is the answer can be yes or no.

#2. What I know, my wife knows. What my wife knows, I know. All of our friends understand this. If they ever (and they have), ask that I keep something to myself. I remind them that I consider my wife and I one and will not refuse to tell my wife. My wife has done the same thing. The friend then has the option to continue with that knowledge or not.
 
I will add here that even in marriage where 2 are 1, does either party really know the other party… FULLY!

After being married a few decades I am still ‘getting to know’ my wife, as she is me. She grows and so do I. We are the same and different at the same time. The more we share the more we grow together. Yes, we do lean on each other depending on what life serves up. So far, where she is weak, I am strong… and vice-versa.

And NO, we do not go very deep into our relationship with friends. However, sometimes they seek our advice. And here I know that I am hearing only one side of the story (theirs). Without knowing the other side of the story, any answer would be unjust. And, not knowing the other person FULLY, what kind of an answer would be fair? Most of the time it may be called ‘venting’, but things are said during that that are built-up bigger then they really are, or played down for the benefit of the one saying it.

If a friend (supposedly) knows us better then our spouse, that one will go to them for comfort and understanding before one’s spouse, something with the marriage is missing. At this point, it would be better to try and bring that into the marriage then to keep it out of it. Yes, our friends were with us all the way till we got married, and some were maybe even in our wedding, but at that point, the ‘greater’ friendship of marriage is to take over. Friends are still friends, but they should not be put on the spot to side with one person in a two person marriage. By siding with one (of the two) they are actually making the (one)(two again). And perhaps helping the separation of the marriage by getting in-between the two-as-one by adding themselves into it to become three-as-one.

Here now, how many makes a marriage? Two, three, let’s make it five, I have that many close friends. Oops, they are married too, so now it’s ten… we must all be married together??? NO, there is a line that is not crossed in marriage, and there should be a line that is not crossed with friends also. A friend is a ‘friend’; a spouse is a ‘spouse’… it is best to know the difference.
 
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