Marriage Advice Needed Please

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AmazingGrace13

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I’m struggling with sexuality in my marriage after discovering my husband’s pornography use. I’m no longer upset with him (after over a year) but I’m having trouble feeling close to him emotionally and physically. I feel like a wall has gone up between us ever since the day I found out and my desire to be intimate with him has been decreasing ever since (not to mention my confidence). I’m not sure how to fix this. I desperately want to feel that connection again but have no idea what to do. I feel like it’s my fault…like I should be over this by now, and I feel terrible that my husband isn’t being satisfied. Has anyone else struggled with this? Any advice is appreciated. Thanks!
 
AmazingGrace13 said:
I’m struggling with sexuality in my marriage after discovering my husband’s pornography use. I’m no longer upset with him (after over a year) but I’m having trouble feeling close to him emotionally and physically. I feel like a wall has gone up between us ever since the day I found out and my desire to be intimate with him has been decreasing ever since (not to mention my confidence). I’m not sure how to fix this. I desperately want to feel that connection again but have no idea what to do. I feel like it’s my fault…like I should be over this by now, and I feel terrible that my husband isn’t being satisfied. Has anyone else struggled with this? Any advice is appreciated. Thanks!
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Your reaction is the natural result of his problems with pornography which in essence is a betrayal and a form of adultery. Hopefully, he is getting help for this and there are many resourced available to help him. Likewise, i would suggest you get a marital counselor to help the marriage and rebuild the trust again. Call your parish or diocese for someone they can recommend for you. Someone that isn’t going to excuse the porno use but understand that this is a problem and not excuse it. You are in my prayers.
 
I think porn addiction is not something one could or should handle on his/her own…first of all, you must stop blaming yourself, it is not your fault! Healing will take a long time for both of you and it is perfectly normal to feel the way you do at this time. May God guide you to find the resources and much needed help to overcome this.
 
Please don’t feel bad about your current situation, pornography addiction does that to marriages and relationships. When I have a very difficult situation to address in my life I try to find a saint who suffered through something similar and I pray for them to help me live my life the way they did and I ask them to intercede to God on my behalf. In your case I feel St. Monica would be a wonderful saint to read about and pray to for her intercession. God will heal you but it will be in His time. So fill your time with prayer and remain steadfast, do not let anyone or anything drag you away from your goal, to repair your marriage. Then wait on God to take care of you.

Memorare

REMEMBER, O most gracious Virgin Mary, that never was it known that anyone who fled to thy protection, implored thy help, or sought thy intercession was left unaided. Inspired with this confidence, I fly to thee, O Virgin of virgins, my Mother; to thee do I come; before thee I stand, sinful and sorrowful. O Mother of the Word Incarnate, despise not my petitions, but in thy mercy hear and answer me. Amen.
 
AmazingGrace13 please allow me to speak bluntly. Most men look at pornography. It’s grave matter. It’s wrong. They shouldn’t be doing so. But most men do so anyway. (Maybe not most men on this forum or maybe so).

This has nothing to do with you.

This has nothing to do with your husbands love for you. (Although it likely hinders his own performance of his marital duties).

It’s an addiction. It’s one he may not be able to break on his own, assuming he wants to stop.

But, bottom line, it has nothing to do with you. So, my advice is, look past your husband’s addition. Forgive him. Love him. Pray for him.

I’ll pray for you and for your marraige.
 
God bless you! Don’t lose your confidence.

And, may the Lord heal him.
 
My husband struggled with the same thing before he met me. and honestly speaking, i struggled with it too. we struggled with relations before marriage, we didnt think it was wrong before. when we started to get deep in our faith, and prepared to get married under the sacrament, we realized it was completely wrong. we went to confession and promised to abstain until we got married.

we are trying to have a baby and we are having intimacy problems too.i started to get frustrated becasue i feel that he is not attracted to me anymore, or he does not love me anymore. it helped us start the healing process when he started to open up to it. he started to tell me everything that has been going on before he met me. he is in the process of going to a therapist. then i started to understand…

pornography can do that in a marriage.it rewired his brain to think that pornography is a way of sexual release, with all its lewd situations and role play, but when it comes to the intimacy between husband and wife under sacramental marriage, that intimacy does not do anything…

we are still struggling with it, but we just lift it up in prayer and confession. have you tried talking to a priest about it, you and your husband?
dont lose hope. you are not alone in this.:console::hug1:
 
This is something I have really struggled with, and by the grace of God I have been free of for quite some time. It is NOT your fault. Pray for him, ask St Monica to pray for him. Accountability software like Covenant Eyes can really truly help. Personally, for me, the Rosary and the Scapular of Our Lady has been the biggest tools I have to overcome this vice. I will be prayer for both of you especially at this difficult time. I know the damage pornography can do to a relationship.

Hail Mary! Full of grace
The Lord is with thee
Blessed art thou among women
And blessed is the fruit of thy womb, Jesus
Holy Mary, Mother of God
Pray for us sinners
Now and at the hour of our death
Amen

St Michael the Archangel, defend us in battle.
Be our defense against the wickedness and snares of the devil.
May God rebuke him, we humbly pray, and do thou, oh Prince of the heavenly hosts, cast into hell Satan and all his evil spirits who prowl this world seeking the ruin of souls.
 
Dear AmazingGrace,

As a husband and father of a young girl, I had and continue to battle this ADDICTION. I can almost imagine that your husband must want to stop this awful habit. I myself love my wife deeply and care for the well being of my daughter. They are my priorities. However I sometimes find myself drawn into this dark world not because I want to, but because like any drug, it continues to call me back.

I have made huge improvements fighting these addictions. Main reason being that my wife continues to pray for my soul every day. Second, we are in marriage counseling which has really made us face this problem head on with a 3rd party involved. Third, weekly confession. Fourth, Pray the Rosary as a family. Knowing that every night I will pray the Rosary with my wife and daughter makes me second guess any desires I have to look at porn. No real man wants to pray with his family and be a hypocrite over this matter.

Forgive your husband, it will mean the world to him because he is probably facing the problem of forgiving himself in getting involved with pornography.

My prayers are with you and your husband. I will say an extra prayer through the Most Blessed Mother that one day you and your husband will experience the joys of parenthood.
 
Dear AmazingGrace,

As a husband and father of a young girl, I had and continue to battle this ADDICTION. I can almost imagine that your husband must want to stop this awful habit. I myself love my wife deeply and care for the well being of my daughter. They are my priorities. However I sometimes find myself drawn into this dark world not because I want to, but because like any drug, it continues to call me back.

I have made huge improvements fighting these addictions. Main reason being that my wife continues to pray for my soul every day. Second, we are in marriage counseling which has really made us face this problem head on with a 3rd party involved. Third, weekly confession. Fourth, Pray the Rosary as a family. Knowing that every night I will pray the Rosary with my wife and daughter makes me second guess any desires I have to look at porn. No real man wants to pray with his family and be a hypocrite over this matter.

Forgive your husband, it will mean the world to him because he is probably facing the problem of forgiving himself in getting involved with pornography.

My prayers are with you and your husband. I will say an extra prayer through the Most Blessed Mother that one day you and your husband will experience the joys of parenthood.
 
AmazingGrace13 said:
I’m struggling with sexuality in my marriage after discovering my husband’s pornography use. I’m no longer upset with him (after over a year) but I’m having trouble feeling close to him emotionally and physically. I feel like a wall has gone up between us ever since the day I found out and my desire to be intimate with him has been decreasing ever since (not to mention my confidence). I’m not sure how to fix this. I desperately want to feel that connection again but have no idea what to do. I feel like it’s my fault…like I should be over this by now, and I feel terrible that my husband isn’t being satisfied. Has anyone else struggled with this? Any advice is appreciated. Thanks!
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As a wife who has been/still is in your shoes, I’m very sorry to hear what you’re going through, AmazingGrace. The advice given by everyone above is excellent and so true—It’s definitely NOT your fault! I think most of us wives feel that way in the beginning when we discover what our husbands have been doing behind our backs, but please don’t believe it’s your fault for one minute longer. There’s a support group for women here at CAF in the same situation as you are called, “Women Suffering Because of Unchastity.” Weird name for the group, I know, but the admin here insisted on it rather than what we wanted to name it to make it clearer. Anyway, please feel free to join if you wish. It’s helped me a lot in my marriage and also lists some excellent resources that might be beneficial for you also. If any other wives going through this in their marriages are also reading this thread, you are welcome to join, too.
Please know that you and your husband are in my prayers. May our Blessed Mother and St. Monica help intercede for you, and may Our Lord’s infinite love give you strength always.
 
I have also been through this with my husband. I understand how you feel. I don’t know what advice to offer–I was not a practicing catholic at the time but I did do therapy and found a COSA group to attend. We eventually did marriage counseling together too. My prayers are with you.
 
AmazingGrace13 said:
I’m struggling with sexuality in my marriage after discovering my husband’s pornography use. I’m no longer upset with him (after over a year) but I’m having trouble feeling close to him emotionally and physically. I feel like a wall has gone up between us ever since the day I found out and my desire to be intimate with him has been decreasing ever since (not to mention my confidence). I’m not sure how to fix this. I desperately want to feel that connection again but have no idea what to do. I feel like it’s my fault…like I should be over this by now, and I feel terrible that my husband isn’t being satisfied. Has anyone else struggled with this? Any advice is appreciated. Thanks!
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Your husband definitely needs some help, and it is not because of you, it is just a weakness many men have which is why the porn industry is doing so well. He needs to accept that he needs help before you can go anywhere with him. Pray for him and try and encourage him to seek help. Don’t be judgmental as it makes matters worst. Just let him know you love him and want to help him.
You also need some help with your marriage as well, you guys need to rekindle that passion which will help him to overcome his addiction. Seek counselling or help on how to strengthen your relationship, how to build a strong bond as a couple.

Patricktheonly1
www.getmarriageadvice.net/
 
I pray for you AmazingGrace,

Our Father, who is in heaven,
Your name be held holy,
Your kingdom come,
Your will be done on earth as it is in heaven.
Give us this day our daily bread,
and forgive us our debts, as we forgive our debtors,
and lead us not into temptation,
but deliver us form evil.
Amen.
 
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